Thursday, March 07, 2013

Commentary- Why Nobody Wants To Date You, Ladies

By Rob Cottignies

Many things in our modern world have moved online and dating is no exception. There are pay sites, free sites, free sites that don't give you much unless you pay. And people are busy, the bar scene is crazy, and going out with a friend of a friend never ends well. Online dating should be great, since you can see pictures of and find out about a person without any forced awkward conversation. Of course, pictures are often blurry or not current and people love spewing nonsense that's sort-of-but-not-really related to their lives. I've been on one (obviously free) dating website for a while and after scrolling through hundreds of ladies' profiles and sending out many personalized, well-written e-mails, I've gotten maybe ten replies and one actual date with a really boring girl. So, instead of getting bitter- or, rather, getting extremely bitter but using it in a creative way- I've compiled a list of advice for all the ladies out there on how to make their profiles better and more appealing to that "special someone" with whom you might have a real "connection.”

1) Don't say that you like all kinds of music or that you 'listen to everything' because you don't. No one does. Think that’s wrong? Then name your favorite Finnish polka metal album. Yes, that is a genre and no, you do not listen to it.
2) You are not just like one of the guys. Sure, you like sports and sometimes drink beer, but even with your pink jersey and horrible 64-calorie excuse for a beer, you are not a guy. If I wanted a guy, I’d date a guy. And I’ve thought about it, but…no can do.
3) Don't list 'hanging out with friends' as one of your favorite activities. You know who likes hanging out with their friends? Everyone. Like, for real, everyone. This does not set you apart. Similarly, if the first thing you want me to know about you is that you love your family, I will automatically move on because you are boring.
4) Speaking of being unique, I read the following sentence, word-for-word, on a girl's profile: 'What makes me unique is that I'm different from other girls.' Though an idiotic statement, it would have been mildly acceptable had she backed it up by saying how she is different. The only thing that makes her unique is that she is THE stupidest person on the internet. Don't be like whatever she is. I also copied and pasted this gem: ‘what i like to do for fun is basically anything fun!’ How fun.
5) If you enjoy being perceived as unintelligent, continue to spell things horribly and mash six sentences together without any sort of connector. I've heard people say they're "not good at spelling" more times than I can vomit and I know not everyone obsesses over grammar and punctuation, but every computer has some kind of Spell Check feature. Use yours. Not even trying to do so is lazy and unattractive.
6) I've seen profiles that only contain one picture of two or more women without the profile's owner saying which one she is. Of course, I assume she is the ugly one. If you’re going to include a picture like this, state that you’re on the left or wearing red and make sure your friend isn’t prettier than you are.
7) Oh, you just got out of a relationship and your cousin met someone on this site two months ago? NO ONE CARES. Get to the point of why I should consider talking to you.
8) Oh, you also hate talking about yourself? Liar. Bye!
9) Stop with the kissy-face and fake moustache pictures. You look stupid.
10) Save some dignity and don’t call yourself a hopeless romantic. Hopeless, huh? Mmm, let me get some of that.
11) Every woman says she is sarcastic and/or likes sarcasm. The problem, princess, is that there are various different levels of sarcasm. Of course this all relates to sense of humor so describe yours. Do you watch primetime sitcoms? Do you think American Psycho is hilarious? Do you understand Monty Python? Would you rather see Margaret Cho, Chris Rock, or Norm MacDonald?

I know I’ve been mean but that’s what gets attention these days. Stop being negative and vague. You’re on the site for a reason. Shape up your profile and good luck with deleting hundreds of e-mails from guys who didn’t even read it.
PS- 12) Don’t say that you’re ‘obsessed’ with your dumb little dog. Ugh.

1 comment:

  1. Copy and pasted from my email as of ten am this morning:

    loverboyforyou1 says:

    Heyyy!!! How's it going??

    Loverboy for me 1, huh? What if I wanted Loverboy2? What if I didn't want Loverboy at all? I've heard their song, it's horrible. Look, I too am working for the weekend... I've just never seen any reason to sing about it.

    I've created an online profile on a free site that I think is pretty decent. Well, for my standards. Obviously, I'm biased, so here's a sample, because obviously I don't mind talking about myself:

    I kind of think online dating is stupid, but, hey -- my friends swear by it, and god knows they're a bunch of Mensa members.
    To me, it feels like buying condoms at the gas station at midnight. Everyone does it, but no one wants to get caught doing it.
    I'm looking for someone equally shame faced by this endeavor. Also, someone who likes to read, can hold a conversation, knows their music and pop culture references, doesn't take life too seriously, and will promise that if we ever date, we will tell our friends we met at a church social or the Household Items section of Target.
    What I’m doing with my life
    Thug Life! Working, paying bills, flexing in front of mirrors, eating lollipops all sexy, cooking delicious meals for the elderly, dancing for impotent men cos they're safe
    I’m really good at
    Speaking before I think.
    The first things people usually notice about me
    My boobs. But I'm sure you'll say my eyes, cos you're a gentleman.
    Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
    This one is important, so I will reference High Fidelity. It's not what you're like, it's what you like. I never get tired of reading kurt Vonnegut. Or Palahniuk. Or David Sedaris. I have fantastic taste in literature, I gotta admit.
    My first album was Metallica master of puppets. I was 11.

    By now, you're probably thinking you know me. You don't. I'm Anonymous.
    Anyway, I'm writing this blog comment to tell you the hatred goes two ways. It's reciprocal. What the christ is the point of me writing an honest, thoughtful profile if I'm only going to get 300 emails worth of two fragmented sentences written by variations of "LoverBoy4U" and "GoodOnesArentAllTaken" "?

    Winchester1515 says:
    You seem fun​

    Fuck you, Winchester1515. You sound like some crazy NRA right wing nut who watches Tom Selleck movies. I just want to get ONE decent email in return, and I will respond to it. Just one. And not from the Freemason who plays the kazoo with his ex. No, I will not meet you in the Wal Mart parking lot.