This Used To Be My Playground

This Used To Be My Playground
by Rob Cottignies

When I exercise in the park, the pathway is often more of an obstacle course than a route to cardiovascular health. Each time I perform one of these precious activities, some kind of grotesque terror presents itself.

Below is a list of inconsiderate creatures who could really use a lesson in park etiquette and should stay out of harm’s way-- which in this case is my way, because I would like to harm them:

NON-LEASHED CHILDREN

You may have seen parents with their kids on “leashes” and thought something irrational like, ‘That is terrible’.

No, it is not terrible. Humans under 12 years of age should have to be harnessed in some way.

Ask some of these “bad” parents how many times their child has been run into by a roller-skater. Answering on their behalf without evidence, I will confidently say zero.

My proposed harnesses should be attached to leashes no more than six feet in length to coincide with regulations about dogs. At the ends of these leashes would be the parent or guardian, who I often blame more than the reckless offspring for yakking on the phone or otherwise trying to ignore the beast they brought into this world.

Do you know what would get the parent’s attention? A loud smash followed by a screaming bloody child. And laughter.

I am graceful and stunning, so children like to stare as I whisk past them. I can usually navigate around a lone child, but even that can be tricky when the brainless creature decides to move directly into my path even though it blatantly sees me coming.

Are these kids vindictive or just dumb?

Every time a kid gets in my way, I obviously think about running it over, especially since I would likely make a clean getaway. The only downfall to this, of course, is I could not go back to the park for a while. With my flashy exercise clothing and stylish demeanor, I would be easily recognized then unjustly prosecuted for teaching at least one person a valuable lesson.

“Then go to a different park.”

No.

I have been to different parks and they all have children. Running over a kid at each park in the area would be a vicious, time-consuming waste of energy. And it would probably be in the news for all the wrong reasons.

One time, I skated around a corner and saw a gross woman standing on the left side of the path, looking in my direction. On the right side was a young child, useless as ever. The middle of the path was occupied by an older child, spinning in a circle while swinging a large branch.

(Had the older child been harnessed and tethered, he would have spun around so many times that the leash would have choked him. This is how one learns.)

I came to a complete stop and stared at the gross woman until she told the twirling mutant to let me pass.

I would not mind seeing that gross woman on a leash as well, draped over a fence high enough so she cannot reach the ground. Dangling. Asphyxiation. Get me?

Keep your kids in check and out of my way.

LITTLE DOGS

Which is worse- cats or little dogs? I mean, cats are cats and that is inexcusable. But should little dogs be penalized more than cats because they could be real dogs but chose to be small yippy things with stupid stick legs instead?

Yes, they should be punished.

Making things worse, little dogs tend to think of themselves as tough and not dumb.

If I saw a creature twenty times my size hurdling toward me, I would move as far away as possible and keep quiet. That is called ‘being smart’.

Ignoring their survival instincts, these tiny idiots often start yelping and trying to bite my wheels.

Do they not know anything about basic Physics and the laws of motion? How about the simple idea that I could easily snap their stupid necks apart by running them over, resulting in little doggy death?

At the very least, my hot skate wheels would burn their horrible mouths.

Get these wretched morons on regulation leashes. I have nearly crashed many times because some small jerk dog whose owner is ten feet off the path comes running into my way.

This is no way to live, let alone exercise.

I once had to steer my bike into a trash can because a woman’s bite-sized dog on a too-long leash ran across the path. Natural reflex prompted me to veer and not hit it, which I instantly regretted.

While the foolish mini-dog was trying to bite my tires, the woman simply walked away without acknowledging what had happened. Then some nosy onlooker asked why I was not riding on the bike path. Putting the fact that I was directly on said path, I mildly argued with this micro-dog sympathizer until chalking his question up to a mental defect.

All this because of a stupid small dog on an illegally-long leash.

There are signs posted in the park stating that a dog’s leash can be no longer than six feet. I found out this is an enforceable law straight from the Bergen County Director Of Parks.

You can and should get fined for violating the ordinance. I think you should also be thrown into prison. Or an active volcano.

To note, I have *NEVER* encountered this situation with a Boxer or German Shepherd or any other respectful dog of reasonable size.

So there.

NEW SKATERS

If you have ever been to a park, you probably saw at least one person learning to rollerskate. And saw them, and saw them, and saw them.

This is because they DO NOT MOVE. They STEP two inches then get driven back by the mighty force of Gravity while having both arms dangerously extended outward. And there is always some bozo next to this new skater saying, ‘You’re doing great!’ and other misleadingly encouraging things.

Also risky is the possibility that this new skater could, at any time, tumble and obstruct the entire path.

What do you do when approaching one of these? Consider shouting your presence but be prepared for the rookie to flail and move toward the wrong direction, which is obviously the one directly in your route.

The best way to avoid one of these is to turn around.

My park path is a figure 8 so going the other way usually solves this issue. If your park is not a figure 8, well, come to my park. But stay out of my way.

GEESE

I adore Canada but they should really take back their horrible brown birds.

Not only do these evolutionary failures poop all over pathways, they have large wings but, instead of flying, choose to walk at an incredibly slow pace whenever on concrete.

And their eyesight must be awful because they never move out of the way when a much bigger creature is coming directly toward them.

Forget about trying to get past them when they have horrible goslings around. They stand still and pretend to protect their young by hissing because they want to be snakes. The idiots don’t even have scales!

(Since their necks are long and slender, would it not be fun to kick a goose in the head and watch it bounce back and forth like a spring in cartoons?)

Does Nature really need geese? Is there an ecosystem that depends heavily on the goose? They should- all of them- be completely eliminated.

SPANISH FAMILIES

Why do Hispanic people take their entire extended families when they go for a walk in the park?

There is never less than a dozen and they scatter all over the place.

This is not a race thing but simply a statement based on years of observation. Plus, I am half-Spanish and that fact somehow absolves anything offensive.

(No, I do not bring half of my family when I go to the park. You are hilarious.)

The peculiar thing is that these families never do the same activity. There will be two older folks walking slowly, a parent trying to grab a kid riding away on a tricycle, a teenager dribbling a soccer ball, and always one family member screaming on a video call so loudly the music in my earphones gets muffled.

Sometimes I will see one Spanish guy casually jogging and think, ‘Wow, a solo Spanish guy casually jogging'. But in a line behind him, Enrique, Consuela, little Hector, and even Abuelita are also jogging in a sort-of effort to keep up with the first señor.

Watching Jai Alai on televisión would be a great way to avoid my wrath.

THE IMPASSIBLE OBSTACLE

I once encountered a scenario which could not be defeated.

A man was talking on his phone while *sitting* in the middle of the pathway. His two (non-leashed) children were on either side of him, running amok and dropping things on the ground. Also on either side of him were two horrible small dogs, each on an illegal 20-foot leash.

This was the epitome of my park nightmare. A concrete wall would have been easier to pass.

As with the gross woman and branch-spinning kid, I stopped in front of this disaster area and stared.

The guy was facing my direction yet remained admirably oblivious to my presence.

In my friendliest voice, I exclaimed something like, “You should get your mess of a family off the path.” Without a word, he slowly stood up and moved to one side, though his kids and fully-extended dog leashes remained.

I continued my stare.

In a feeble attempt to prove he was not completely brain-dead, he pulled one (1) dog to the side. You may realize the other one was still in the way while the kids were running around freely.

I am not fluent in Sign Language, but I tried my best to physically say, ‘Wow, do I hate you. I hate your kids. I hate your dogs. I hate your parents for keeping you alive through childhood. I hate the person on the other side of your phone call. Please, I beg you, in the sweet name of sanity, remove your wretched self from public and take your dependents with you.’

He got the idea, but took no less than six-hundred hours to move his brood.

To spite him, I waited the entire time.

…

Dishonorable mention is awarded to elderly people who stand while conversing in the middle of the path, any two women pushing strollers, and Indian men who walk with their hands clasped behind their backs on the wrong side of the path.

Walking in the park should be like driving. Make sure your children are buckled and keep your eyes on them at all times. Restrain your dogs. Look behind you somewhat frequently. And stay to the right. This former English commonwealth has proudly defied the wrong-side-of-the-street idea.

Until common park etiquette is realized and practiced, I will think about (but, in reality, not act on) taking people out one by one, child by child, wretched little dog by wretched little dog.

Consider yourself warned.