Before She Cheats....The Judicial System
by Rob Cottignies
I’ve had a burning hatred for this song since I first heard it. Not only is it dangerous insecurity hidden behind a catchy chorus, but it glorifies unjustified violence and sets its own double standard. Imagine a man singing this about his potentially cheating girlfriend. There would’ve been chaos and uproar and all sorts of tommygoggling. But because this “pretty” little thing named Carrie sings it with a smile, it’s fine. Well it’s not fine on this blog. Words that come to mind are harmful, hazardous, inappropriate, and just plain wrong.
Here are the lyrics. Read them carefully, then proceed to see how I completely rip them apart…
“Right now, he's probably slow dancing with a bleached-blonde tramp and she's probably getting frisky
Right now, he's probably buying her some fruity little drink 'cause she can't shoot whiskey
Right now, he's probably up behind her with a pool stick showing her how to shoot a combo
And he don't know
That I dug my key into the side of his pretty little suped up four-wheel drive
carved my name into his leather seats
I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights
slashed a hole in all 4 tires
Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats
Right now, she's probably up singing some white-trash version of Shania karaoke
Right now, she's probably saying "I'm drunk" and he's thinking that he's gonna get lucky
Right now, he's probably dabbing on 3 dollars worth of that bathroom Polo
Oh, and he don't know
I might've saved a little trouble for the next girl
'cause the next time that he cheats
Oh, you know it won't be on me
No, not on me”
Let the dissection begin, line by line- verses first, followed by the chorus:
First of all, Miss Underwood, you throw around this ‘probably’ word quite often and loosely. Is this fellow actually cheating on you or are you just completely insecure, suspicious, jealous, and all of those other fine words? There doesn’t appear to be any basis for your accusations.
You comment on this hypothetical woman’s bleach-blonde hair. Is it very different from your hair color on the very cover of this song’s single? (See above.) Might this be a degree of what psychologists refer to as projection?
By the next line, are you implying that you shoot whiskey and are comparatively inexpendable because of it? Some people don’t like it and prefer fruity drinks. Whiskey and I are good friends, but I would never criticize someone for not drinking it. (I may have done this, but in this forum let’s assume I’ve not.) What a load of passive-aggressive arrogant-for-no-reason rubbish.
So this guy is teaching this hypothetical girl how to be better at pool. Wow, he really might be a jerk. You’ve got me starting to rethink this whole thing.
It’s ‘he doesn’t know,’ not ‘he don’t know.’ Go back to second grade.
I typed into Google, ‘What is a white-trash version of Shania karaoke?’ and found out that I am not alone with this inquiry. I also found out that there’s no such thing and the line makes no sense. This is likely nothing more than a poor attempt to get into the good graces of a more moderately talented artist.
At a bar, hopefully when not driving, one tends to get drunk. This person may announce it. And if this person is a lady who’s been flirting with a guy all night, it’s fairly reasonable for him to think he’s going to ‘get lucky.’ I must remind you that this is all, of course, hypothetical.
This situation is taking place in quite the interesting bar- slow dancing, pool, karaoke, and Ralph Lauren cologne available in the bathroom. Where is this, exactly?
And, again, he *doesn’t* know.
Now, the chorus tells me that you, Carrie, followed your guy to a bar and sat outside imagining this entire scenario. To clarify, everything listed above was hypothetical. This is what you actually did…
Your first thought after guessing this guy was cheating on you was to key his car? It sounds like his car is important to him and he’d spent a lot of money on it. Hey, here’s a thought- go into the bar to see if he really is doing those things with another woman and if so, confront him about it. Immediately resorting to vandalism seems like a gross overreaction based on some severe mental issues you have.
Then you carved your name into his car seats, which added illegal entry (possibly breaking and entering) to your rap sheet. You had no right to be in his car, which would be the only way for you to get at his seats, even if the window was left open. Also, I’m sure he’d have no doubt anyway, but using your own name pretty much solidifies a conviction.
This guy possibly cheated on you. Even if he did, that’s no reason to deprive the ability to see the road at night. How would he safely get home without headlights? Cheating does not justify endangering his life. Also, do you always bring a baseball bat to a bar?
I’m sure you destroyed his car’s tires, but you can’t exactly slash a hole. This defies some law of Physics.
Do you know what he’ll think before he cheats? ‘Wow, the last time I did this that maniac I was dating destroyed my car. I’m glad she’s in prison and I was able to get an even nicer car with the settlement, but I kind of feel bad that she was such a messy ball of feminine lunacy.’
That’s right, you’re going to jail. To top that, your actions will all be public record, so I doubt any guy will ever date you again. “But I thought he was cheating on me” will not hold up in court or in life. Was it worth it?
Why am I asking you all of these questions? I should address them to the men who wrote this dreadful song. Maybe I’ll do that, but will first listen to Eminem’s song ‘Kim,’ which presents a healthy, reasonable way to end a relationship…