Monday, June 30, 2014

Animals- Moose Vs. Goose

Moose vs. Goose: The Eternal Battle Of The Rhyming Animals
by Rob Cottignies

If you've read my previous posts, such as the reasons babies are awful or why I should be allowed to shoot people in the face, you already know that this blog tackles today's most-pressing and serious topics. This one is obviously no different, with the issue-at-hand being how much better moose are than geese. It is unfortunate that the words 'moose' and 'goose' rhyme in American English. This mere coincidence is the only likeness between the creatures, however.

Large, awkward, and clumsy, the moose is mighty. It is certainly no accident that 'moose' and 'mighty' begin with the same letter. Another non-accident is how the G in 'mighty' is completely ignored during pronunciation. Goose starts with G and this G is silent, like hissing geese should be. Geese are not mighty and they think they are snakes. This is how dumb they are. A snake's hiss warns me to not go closer to it else I shall be struck down by natural poison, which is awesome. Not that me being poisoned would be awesome but the phenomenon that is snake venom is breathtaking, figuratively and actually but certainly not literally. A goose hissing makes me simultaneously laugh and angry, prone to grabbing a stupid furry goose child and punting it into a lake. The only species-confusion moose have is due to Europeans calling them elk. Why do Europeans do this? Certainly don't ask a goose or you'll get an answer like 'Duh, I don't know. I'm going to fly in a V pattern with my friends and crap everywhere because I'm rude and awful.'
For the record that I am sure you are all keeping, I am speaking specifically about Canada geese and not any other kind, such as snow geese, or 'snoogeez' as they prefer to be called. So these geese left Canada. Why? Canada is great and do you know why? Moose. So many moose. Geese got so mad at Canada because moose are amazing that they invaded America but kept their ancestral name. Somebody should petition Canada’s arch-duke or whatever they have to change the name of these embarrassing creatures that are the only blemish on the delightful nation.
Oh man, my feet are so sore after a hard day of work. I’d better put on my goose slippers. WRONG! No such thing. Go ahead, do a Google search. When seeking ‘moose slippers’, you’ll find pictures of many warm and cozy slippers with some sort of moose head complete with antlers that are not only practical but adorable. A search for ‘goose slippers’ will bring you nameless, faceless sleepy shoes which contain feathers from geese and are probably sort-of warm but look dreadful when juxtaposed with a wonderful pair of moose slippers.

 The best thing about moose is how freakin’ cool they are. When offered pluralization, the entire Cervidae family collectively said ‘Nah, we don’t need an S or anything. Whether there is one of us or one hundred, we will be moose, deer, elk, caribou, and reindeer.’ Not only tough in a literal fashion but highly considerate.

 Geese, on the other hand, totally rewrote the rules…… of annoyance…
Word guy: ‘Hey, how about ‘gooses’?
Goose representative: ‘Not only no, but we demand that you completely change two letters in our singular title. Yes, add a separate entry in the dictionary for our plural form, which MUST come alphabetically first, thus confusing everyone.’
Mice followed this example and there has been chaos ever since. Geese are such jerks. Now, mice are not jerks. Calling a mouse by a name one letter different from a moose is simply a fun thing to do, like calling a huge guy Tiny or a fat guy Slim. Mice are fun but moose are the best. Also, geese are the worst.

In the world of sports, there are several teams from northerly-latitudinal locations whose mascot is the moose. For examples, the Manitoba and Jackson Hole Moose terrorized their respective hockey associations for years. And the University Of Maine decided moose are so wonderful that they named their *entire* school’s mascot after the majestic beasts. To contrast, I found exactly ZERO teams named Geese in my internet search that was really brief because I was afraid of actually finding a team with that name.

 Staying with sports, everyone knows that the most obnoxious man in sports commentating is Tony Siragusa. What is his nickname? Goose! Another perfect example to help prove whatever point I am trying to make. Alternately, Daryl Johnston- nicknamed Moose- was recently entered into the Greater Buffalo Sports Hall Of Fame. Can you name anyone called Goose who holds that honor? Can you name anyone else in that hall of fame? I sure can’t. Also, there is a player on the Detroit Pistons named Greg Monroe who is referred to as Moose. I don’t watch basketball because it’s terrible but I bet this guy is really good.

Another person who was possibly nicknamed Moose was Benito Mussolini. Hmm… Anyway, I heard this story while in Alaska: An older man was walking around the campus of the University Of Alaska at Fairbanks when he unwittingly strolled between a baby moose and its mother. Mama moose, fearing her child was in danger, immediately ran at the man, trampling and killing him. This is indeed a sad and unfortunate story for humans, but how bad-ass is that? Mama moose used her weight and might to stomp out a threat to her kid. What would a goose have done in that situation? Hissed. Maybe flapped its stupid wings. What potential predator would that deter? A boll weevil perhaps.

To close, this is how horrible geese are: Have you ever walked, run, skated, or biked in a park? Yes? Good job! You must be well-aware of how annoying it is to avoid 'landmines' on the path. Not only do geese crap everywhere like idiots but waiting for one or a series of them to cross said path is excruciating. Coming to a full stop (physically, not the British phrase for a punctuation mark) to watch these fat morons waddle out of the way is unbearable. Sometimes you'll witness them having a goose-battle over something stupid when one runs at the other. So they can run but choose to move at a snail's pace. I feel like there's something else they can do which would be convenient for everybody but actively choose not to. Oh right, geese are BIRDS with WINGS which enable them to FLY. They can move really fast if they want to but instead real animals must bide our time and, for some reason, not run them over. Let's change this. Run geese over. Spit at them. Kick them in their necks. Do anything you can to make their small brains realize that they are the worst species on the planet. Do you know how many species of animals there are on Earth? Like, dozens. Maybe even bakers' dozens.
To close for real, all hail the moose.

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