Cheese In The Middle East
by
Rob Cottignies
“For a long time I could not conceive how one man
could go forth to murder his fellow, or even why there were laws and
governments; but when I heard details of vice and bloodshed, my wonder ceased
and I turned away with disgust and loathing.” -the creature, Frankenstein by
Mary Shelley
There are many trees on
many islands but one particular tree only grows on one particular island. The
dragon's blood tree (Dracaena
cinnibari) is native to the island
of Socotra, the largest of four islands in the Socotra archipelago off the
coast of Yemen.
The dragon's blood tree
is arguably the most interesting-looking tree on our planet and its red sap was
mythologized as resembling the blood of a dragon. These trees can be found on
plateaus, beaches, mountains, and wherever else they feel like sprouting up
from the mighty ground.
A dream of mine is to sit
under a dragon's blood tree and admire Socotra's diverse flora and fauna, read
a book, eat the tree's berries, contemplate, and whatever else. That seems
easily-attainable, but sadly, it will probably never come true.
I have the means, motive,
and opportunity to visit Socotra, so why should this not happen?
The U.S. Department
of State advises against traveling to Yemen “due to terrorism, civil unrest,
health risks, kidnapping, armed conflict, and landmines.” In other words, I
can't relax under a tree because people might try to blow me up. I could
certainly sit under the tree, but there's a decent chance I could be kidnapped
and/or killed on my journey by violent radicals, pirates, or any other group of
angry folks who are waiting to cause chaos.
Those trees look awesome
but aren’t entirely worth the risk.
…
How did we get to this
point? By ‘we’, I mean humans, the only species of the roughly 8.7 million on
Earth to cause such situations.
Many have argued that violence
is in our nature. Some quick research into the history of almost any country,
tribe, ethnicity, or religion will show you massive amounts of bloodshed. Even
our ancestral apes likely resorted to violence when the thought emerged, as
pointed out by Arthur C.Clarke and Stanley
Kubrick in 2001: A Space
Odyssey. Many animals fight with each other, but those bouts are limited to
hunting for food and protecting the pack. People do horrible things to other
humans out of greed, jealousy, revenge, enjoyment, or even for no reason at
all.
And why would this specific
state of things change? The Middle East has been a disaster since I've been
aware of what it is and long before that.
…
Then I wonder, ‘Do they
eat grilled cheese in the Middle East?’ I think not, because the versatility of
this food would make anyone stop blowing things up and start eating. ANY person
can take two slices of ANY kind of bread and put ANY kind of cheese between
them to get a delicious and possibly nutritious snack.
Melted cheese turns any
food into an absolute delicacy, but with grilled cheese it’s the featured ingredient!!!
Peaceful and relaxing, cheese has a proven* calming effect on any person it
enters. When it's placed between bread and cooked, Nirvana is achieved. Go
forth, young Arhat.
*I made this up, though
it should have been proven by now
What's even better is
that you don't even have to specifically grill your sandwich. Instead, you
could toast it, bake it, broil it, griddle it, pan-fry it, cook it over an open
fire, put it in a Panini press, or however else you want to cook it for maximum
deliciosity.
For a minute there, I
felt like somebody else…
…
Have you ever seen the
film Benny And Joon? Me neither, but apparently it contains a charming scene which
features Johnny Depp making grilled cheese with a clothes iron. As far as I
know, Johnny Depp has never wanted to blow me up so that I couldn't sit under a
dragon's blood tree, so I'll also trust his method.
By adding a few simple
ingredients, you can make at
least 150 different amazingly
deliciously wonderfully melty grilled cheese sandwiches!
If grilled cheese sounds
amazing but not quite filling enough, have I got some great news for you- Grilled
cheese's best friend is none other than tomato soup! Just think about dipping
the corner of your scrumptious cheese-melt into a bowl of hot liquid red
wholesome creamy amazingness.
(Is anyone else drooling
right now? If you're not, immediately stop what you're doing and spend no less
than four hours on this
site.)
Cranking up the appeal
for people who hate their bodies but love their taste buds, restaurant chain
Friendly's once offered a grilled
cheese burger melt, which was a good
old juicy hamburger smooshed between *two* grilled cheese sandwiches. Sadly or
thankfully, this item is no longer available.
...
The Great Depression, by
its own definition, was one of the saddest times in American history. To feel
better, do you know what people ate during this era? Grilled cheese! They often
called it Cheese Dream and I don't blame them for one second. Sometimes there
were variations, such as adding bacon or eggs, or (gasp!) preparing it
open-faced.
If some of the saddest
people ever ate grilled cheese to get through their hardships, surely
terrorists and counter-terrorists would benefit from its grandiosity, eating
together while holding hands and singing Imagine.
Forget about hating
people with beliefs different from yours and make yourself a grilled cheese
sandwich according to your own specifications. And enjoy it!
Everyone is entitled the
right to enjoy cheese.
Hopefully Middle
Easterners will read my message and I'll see you in Yemen.
Postscript- This article
was originally titled 'Discussing The Disgusting' and took a very serious turn
toward Existentialism and the history of human-on-human violence. Wasn't
reading about cheese so much better!?!?