Wicked Not Awesome

Wicked Not Awesome

by Rob Cottignies

Some people without brains do an awful lot of talking, don't they?

I lost a bet.

But first, some back story…

My friend Mike loves almost everything. He gets giddy at the very mention of Sasquatch, shakes with excitement over ordering martinis in spite of hating them, and buys endless memorabilia of orange-colored sports teams. He's a special guy, this Mike.

I said Mike loves almost everything because there is a song he absolutely detests. You, dear reader, are undoubtedly familiar with this tune and probably downright love it because it is wonderful. Of course, I’m talking about Love Shack by The B-52's.

What a feel-good song and video. A dance party where everyone is dressed handsomely, a great big car, some woman in a bathtub watching indentured servants work in the yard. Can you watch that video and not smile? Probably not, but Mike sure can.

And now, another back story…

Some years ago, Mike decided it would be a great idea to discuss Broadway during an NFL tailgate. This went on for hours and was primarily about Wicked, which is apparently the best play ever.

***SPOILER ALERT***

(Do I really have to put this here? Has anyone not seen The Wizard Of Oz?)

The Wizard Of Oz is one of the most popular movies in film's great history and the play Wicked is its ‘prequel’.

But wait a second…

How can there be a prequel to The Wizard Of Oz, which is about a girl getting knocked unconscious then having an elaborate dream and learning a moral or two at the end?

It must be a documentary-style film about farm life in rural Kansas. Perhaps it shows the three guys getting hired at the farm and how the Gale family got that little jerk Toto. Or maybe it portrays how Uncle Henry and Auntie Em met. Why is Dorothy living with her aunt and uncle instead of her parents? Whoa, can't wait to find out!!!

Oh, it's about the wicked witch? You mean Miss Gulch? Alright, I've always wondered why she was so cranky. Let's have it…

But instead of something which might make sense, Wicked tells the story of how Glinda (the good witch) grew up with the wicked witch (supposedly named Elphaba, though that has changed throughout the years).

Like me, you should be wondering how there could be a prequel to a girl's dream. Dorothy’s unconscious imagination invented these characters, so how could they have backstories?

…

Let’s return to the tailgate, where Mike and I debated respectively and respectfully over Wicked being a worthy addition to the story even though its storyline was completely illogical. Much to the amusement of those in our company, the contest went on and on with no mutually agreeable conclusion. That storm still rages today, and we've been best friends since first grade.

Long story short…

Regarding the bet I lost, the Penguins I liked were playing the Islanders, who Mike supported because of his affinity for sub-par orange teams.

We’d usually wager a dollar for fun but had grown weary of betting pretend money, so he suggested that if the Islanders won, I would have to see the Wicked movie with him.

Confident in the Penguins' abilities, I accepted and countered that if his Islanders lost, he would have to sing and dance to Love Shack at karaoke one night.

We shook hands and our fate was left up to athletic strangers. The game in question started out great but ended horribly when the Penguins decided to stop trying. They, and therefore I, lost.

I am doomed to see Wicked.

…

I've never seen the play nor do I remember its details from Mike's ramblings but I’ve heard that it's quite lovely.

That's not the point, though.

My postulation is that Wicked, along with Return To Oz, Oz The Great And Powerful, The Wiz, and whatever other additions to the story are all bogus. The Wizard Of Oz explained what happened perfectly- Dorothy got knocked out, had a dream which included likenesses of people she knew, and woke up after she had gotten the point of it.

Like Biggie once said, it was all a dream. Imaginary. No start, no end; just what she and only she saw in her head. That’s how a dream works. Dream dream dream. I recently did a crossword puzzle and the clue for 36-down was: 'Dorothy's visit to Oz, for example'. The answer was five letters long. Get me?

The only way for Wicked to exist would be if Dorothy dreamt that up as well, but according to Mike, she is not even mentioned in this story.

A sports team caused me to lose a bet and now I must angrily sit through a movie which already makes absolutely no sense to me. I also realized too late that I was dopey enough to bet a five-minute song against a full-length movie. On the bright side, the release date keeps getting pushed back so perhaps it will never come out.

(I wrote this years ago and the movie is still yet to come to fruition. Fingers crossed!)