Sunday, July 12, 2015

I Do Not

I Do Not
by Rob Cottignies

            With all this gay marriage business going on, millions of people (zero people) have been asking for my opinion on the topic. Many (again, zero) are surprised to hear that I'm against it. It's not so much the gay part that bothers me but that whole marriage thing. 'Hey, instead of verbally committing to each other, let's involve the government so if it ends up not working out the split will be a gigantically long, stressful, and expensive process.'
            Fun fact: Did you know that the top cause of divorce is marriage? Simply, if you're not married, you can't get divorced!
            According to the American Psychological Association, 40-50% of marriages end in divorce. To rip off and paraphrase comedian Bill Burr, if you're going skydiving and are told that 40-50% of all parachutes don't open, would you still jump? Apparently many folks would. It's certainly not that I want to see any of them splat on the ground but the fault would be only their own. Just don't land on me.
            Now, I know there are legal benefits to getting married and I'm not actually naysaying the "institution" of marriage, rather everything involved in the entire process. I've never been foolish enough, but (for a traditional straight male) I believe it goes something like this:
            1) Go out with girl after girl until you find one you're attracted to *and* can stand for more than ten minutes. 2) Do various things with this person. 3) Save lots of money then spend it on a shiny rock attached to a metal circle. 4) Plan something romantic. 5) At the "right time", lower yourself to one knee. 6) Beg her to marry you because it's 100% her decision and she can easily say no after your money and time have been spent. 7) IF she says yes, you're engaged, which really means nothing. It's like being in Limbo, only horrible. 'Hey, you know how we're together? Want to be... more together yet somehow still not fully committed?'
            Because I am unable to write a blog without going into some random history, the idea of an engagement ring was brought about by the DeBeers diamond company in the 1920s. As this idiotic article points out, they used clever marketing to convince men that spending at least one month's pay on a piece of jewelry was a necessary step before marriage. Obviously, the idea caught on and now he goes to Jared and kisses Kay.
            To earn points with all you feminists out there, I think the ring is a chauvinistic idea. While her ladyfriends swoon over it with hormones completely out of control, the ring tells other men that the lady is taken. Property. And what does the man wear? Nothing. Well, probably clothes, but nothing indicative of his being in a committed relationship. Pig.
            Alright, so you're engaged. Now what? Wedding planning! Time to search for those perfect napkins and the least-obnoxious DJ who can be found, which is exactly none of them. 'Should we invite Randy? I've known him for a long time but we're not really close anymore. But we're inviting Paul and he's good friends with Randy. Doesn't Randy have an annoying girlfriend? How long have they been together? Would we have to invite her too? Randy always invites us to his yearly barbecue so I guess we have to invite him. He doesn't get a plus-one, though. He can sit at the table with Jim and Sylvia. Oh right, Randy and Sylvia used to date…'
            Blah blah freakin' blah. Still feeling good about that expensive one-knee question, chief?
            During this whole planning phase, there are various parties. An engagement party, which is nothing but more money and self-promotion. And what the hell is the point of a bridal shower? I tended bar during one of these and couldn't figure it out. It was just a bunch of chickens clucking around while playing stupid games and not tipping their bartender for providing endless mimosas and looking quite dapper while doing so. Then the respective bachelor and bachelorette parties. Those are fun but they're supposed to be 'One last hurrah before taking the plunge!' So there's no more fun after that night out? A friend recently told me that he hooked up with a bachelorette after running into her party. That unfortunate groom's parachute will definitely not deploy.
            I don't really have an ending for this and I think I'm losing focus anyway so here's a list!

Ten hilarious things I'd rather do than propose marriage:
-Fight a bear
-Eat a tree
-Cut a lawn with scissors
-Listen to Ben Stein read War & Peace
-Carve a statue with sporks as my only tools
-Run through a desert wearing a Winter coat
-Drive blindfolded in reverse on the Autobahn
-Look at Sarah Jessica Parker
-Discuss anything with a person from Alabama
-Write a serious blog about a socially-important topic

Are you really just afraid of commitment, spoolygoo?
-No. Commitment is fine. Marriage is stupid.

Are you bitter because a girl said no to you?
-Bitter, always. Rejected, never.

Do you hate your married friends?
-Of course not. Their choices just aren't for me. And the weddings were great!!!

So you'll never get married, huh?
-You don't know anything. It could happen. But if so, it'll be low-key with mutual effort involved. The honeymoon would certainly be hectic, long, and awesome.

1 comment:

  1. Please name your first child Ethan.