Thursday, November 05, 2015

All About That Blog


All About That Blog
by Rob Cottignies

            I was listening to the radio recently (FM radio, not your satellite nonsense) when I heard a new song. It was repetitive, infectious, and horrible, so I knew it must've already been a huge hit. I was correct. It was everywhere, there was a video, all of that. The song was really bad but I enjoyed its message about loving heavy techno music…
            Then it was brought to my attention that the song isn't about techno at all. It's about having pride in being a large(r) female. That's fine with me. Pride is great, but it doesn't make a song such. It's so bad that it makes the insane illegal things Carrie Underwood did seem perfectly rational.
            So, after a bit more ado, I will speak for Sir Mix-A-Lot if I may. And I may because this is my blog.
            The song in question is "All About That Bass" by Meghan Trainor. Nice name. Not.
            If you're unfamiliar, I'm going to ruin your day by making you watch the video.

            ……………………………………………………………………..

            Welcome back.
            Horrible, right?
            In case you couldn't hear the lyrics because you tried suffocating yourself between two pillows, here they are for your viewing displeasure. See you on the other side…


"All About That Bass"
by Meghan Trainor

Because you know I'm all about that bass
'Bout that bass, no treble
I'm all about that bass
'Bout that bass, no treble
I'm all about that bass
'Bout that bass, no treble
I'm all about that bass
'Bout that bass... bass... bass... bass

Yeah, it's pretty clear, I ain't no size two
But I can shake it, shake it, like I'm supposed to do
'Cause I got that boom boom that all the boys chase
And all the right junk in all the right places

I see the magazine workin' that Photoshop
We know that shit ain't real, come on now, make it stop
If you got beauty, beauty, just raise 'em up
'Cause every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top

Yeah, my mama she told me "don't worry about your size"
(Shoo wop wop, sha-ooh wop wop)
She says, "Boys like a little more booty to hold at night"
(That booty, uh, that booty booty)
You know I won't be no stick figure silicone Barbie doll
So if that what you're into, then go 'head and move along

Because you know I'm all about that bass
'Bout that bass, no treble
I'm all about that bass
'Bout that bass, no treble
I'm all about that bass
'Bout that bass, no treble
I'm all about that bass
'Bout that bass... Hey!

I'm bringing booty back
Go 'head and tell them skinny bitches that
No, I'm just playing, I know you think you're fat
But I'm here to tell you...
Every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top

Yeah my mama she told me, "don't worry about your size"
(Shoo wop wop, sha-ooh wop wop)
She says, "Boys like a little more booty to hold at night"
(That booty booty, uh, that booty booty)
You know I won't be no stick figure, silicone Barbie doll
So if that's what you're into, then go 'head and move along


            Then she says "All about that bass" about four-thousand more times.
            What I'll do now is dissect these lyrics in a mildly-comical way for no real reason other than that's what I do and I am yet to find a useful outlet for my creativity:

            Dear Ms. Trainor,
            I recently heard your song 'All About That Bass' and I have some helpful critique for you.
            First, thank you for informing me immediately that proper grammar would not be a highlighted feature of your song. The first word is a preposition, which is widely accepted but incorrect. I do this in my writing but at least I know it's incorrect; I just make it sound awesome.
            You assumed I would've been aware, but I had no idea you were all about that bass. How would I? How would anyone without hearing the song first? You've created a Twilight Zone-esque paradox of sorts. My guess is this was inadvertent.
            What's so bad about treble? Having only bass just sounds uncomfortable. I mean, I don't like hops but they are necessary for beer to taste right.
            I'm a guy- I have no idea what a size 2 looks like. I know it exists but I'll need you to convert it to inches. Do you do this later in the song?
            I enjoy the echoing of "shake it" but how and why are you "supposed to"?
            So the boys chase your boom boom. Is this at all like somebody's milkshake that brings boys to the yard? Are these the same boys?
            Your mom did well by saying not to worry about your size. Other than for health reasons, you shouldn't care what others think so long as you're happy with how you look. That said, it's a little odd to me that Mom also noted that boys like to hold "a little more booty" at night. Is this is a common mother-daughter discussion? I never really had "the talk" with my father so I don't know if he was supposed to tell me to look for a lady with a little more booty. I prefer to hold a pillow at night. It wiggles less.
            And speaking of booty, my main problem with your song is that it made me wonder where booty went and for how long. I hadn't noticed a lack of booty with all the twerking and bootylicious business going on. Before you were born, we had a severe drought from sexy. It just went away. However, our society was blessed enough to have Justin Timberlake bring it back to us with style, sophistication, and a damn fun song. I think booty was always around but you just pretended it wasn't so you could make this song. My basis for this theory is simple- I sat through your entire excruciating video and did not notice one scintilla of your booty. I mean, how can you bring booty back without bringing your own? There were other dancers with other booties but it seems somewhat hypocritical of you to exploit them for your own personal gain.
            I think the only solution to this mess is for you to reshoot the video with the addition of your booty bouncing around. Also, make the song better. Like, a lot better. But keep your message of self-pride.
            You are woman and I have heard you roar. I just wish I hadn't. Bonus points for the fat guy's dancing skills, though.
            Best wishes,
            -spoolygoo

3 comments:

  1. Personally, I have nothing but disdain for the Booty Revival our culture is being forced to embrace. There are several reasons behind this.

    1. We fart out of our sha-booty-wop-wahs.
    2. We excrete vile filth no human should have to endure out of our bass on a regular basis. (Pun intended.)
    3. How do I know you've properly wiped your bass line? Do you use Cottonelle fresh wipes? If you have them in your bathroom in plain view, I'll judge you as a messy shitter, but if you don't have them I'll assume you know nothing of proper derrière hygiene.
    4. And sex leads to colon cancer, and colon cancer killed Farrah Fawcett.
    5. Patrick Swayze died a minute later and we all forgot about Farrah. We went to Halloween parties dresses as Patrick and left our poor Farrah wigs to rot in the discount bin, didn't we? Didn't. We?
    6. Asses sag with age. Fall in love with something more substantial.
    7. I despise anything pop culture related with "booty" in the title, for extremely personal reasons having nothing to do with my name. It affects my well being when shit stains cut a record and put the word "booty" on wax. They get rich, I get a facial tick from having this song sang to me 15 times a day, till the next booty worshipping song "drops." Can we stop with the Booty? Can we worship the Beast? K thanks.

    PS I wrote this in five minutes watching a show the whole time. So. Thank you.

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  2. It's nice to hear you acknowledge what's so plainly obvious. You do that well. P.S. A size two is a 26 inch waist.

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