That Ain't Wright

That Ain't Wright

by Rob Cottignies

During the 1400s, Leonardo da Vinci dissected birds to figure out how they flew.

Based on this information, he came up with an idea commonly referred to as a flying machine. The design would not have succeeded as he sketched it but the groundwork for what would arguably be mankind's greatest invention was there.

He then drew a small portrait of a homely woman and everybody freaked out and that's what he is best known for. Kinda sad.

Skip ahead a few hundred years later in North Carolina to a pair of brothers named Orville and Wilbur who tinkered with that very idea and performed the first controlled human flight. It is debated if the Wrights actually invented the prototype for modern airplanes, but they will forever be remembered as the guys who led us in that direction.

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The focus of this article is how annoying the flying process is to the average frustrated traveler, but let’s begin with an unnecessary examination of aviation’s history and the basic mechanics of how an airplane works:

The first human-made flying machine, the kite, was invented in China during the 400s. Some were even able to lift people for brief periods of time, although that was implemented more for punishment than aviation.

Four centuries later, an Andalusian man named Abbas ibn Firnas attempted to fly by constructing wings out of bird feathers, attaching them to his body, and jumping out of a tower. His attempt failed overall but worked well enough to allow his survival.

You already know about Leonardo in the 1400s.

(Side note: ‘da Vinci’ was not his last name. He was from a region of Italy called Vinci and ‘da’ simply means ‘of’.)

In France of the 17- and 1800s, the first hot-air balloons and airships (blimps) were flown.

Orville and Wilbur Wright are popularly credited with the first controlled flight of a heavier-than-air craft in North Carolina in 1903.

The first commercial flights happened in Florida in 1914.

In 1927, Charles Lindbergh made the first solo flight across the Atlantic Ocean.

Though she is mostly known for disappearing, Amelia Earhart was the first woman to fly alone across the Atlantic (1932). While attempting to fly around the world, she (along with navigator Fred Noonan) vanished over the Pacific Ocean in 1937.

Also of note- there is a conspiracy theory that Harry Houdini, who died in 1926, had something to do with their unfortunate expedition.

From then until now- the Hindenburg crashed, ending the era of airships; Chuck Yeager broke the sound barrier; electronic instruments such as GPS have replaced human flight navigators; drones are used for all sorts of things; Snakes On A Plane came out; and now flying as a means of travel is more popular than ever.

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But how does an airplane work? How does a metal vessel loaded with people and other things get into the air and remain there for hours? And why do the seats have such little leg-room?

The answer to the first two questions is quite complicated (I’ll get to the third), but here are the basics:

Airplanes accelerate the same way cars do but go much faster. (Well, maybe not *much* in the cases of some drivers.) They even have foot pedals for braking but use hand devices to control speed. Typically, airplanes go between 150-185 miles per hour before lifting off the ground.

The speed of sound (a.k.a. Mach One) is 760 miles per hour. Most commercial jets move below this speed in the air to compete with DRAG, which is the opposing force created by all parts of an aircraft while it flies.

An airplane’s wings are designed to make air flow faster above them than below, thus creating the effect known as LIFT.

PITCH is the term used for making an airplane climb or descend. Adjusting the pitch, the pilot points the nose of the craft in the desired direction. ROLL is when the craft’s front and back move and cause it to go in a different direction. YAW is when the wings are tilted, resulting in a turn.

There is such a small amount of leg-room on airplanes for two reasons: 1) simply to maximize profits, and 2) because there are no regulations regarding seats for airlines to follow. Changing the second part has been suggested to the FAA by Congress without a positive result so far.

And for the first cause, the bare minimum amount of room is generally allotted so the most people possible can get in flights. However, for your convenience, extra space can be provided to those willing to spend even more on the flight, assuming the charges for checking luggage and selecting seats hasn’t bankrupted them already.

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Now that we’re all experts in aviation mechanics, let’s break down that dreadful endeavor known as the flying experience:

Getting to the airport two hours early

The general rule across the aviation industry is to arrive two hours before a domestic flight and three prior to international.

There are many factors that could make you late for your flight, including traffic on the way to the airport and/or a long line at security. Therefore, arriving early gives you extra time in case something (or many somethings) happens.

However, if you are a frequent flyer leaving from a familiar airport with no bags to check, getting there hours early would be foolish. Unless, of course, your flight is near a holiday.

This might seem awful and confusing because that’s exactly what it is.

To make things worse, consider that the airport is a business that really wants people to wander its halls and over-pay for everything.

In fact, airports are specifically designed to maximize profits from the passengers leaving it. Exorbitant parking fees, vending machines selling electronics, and common-but-way-more-expensive-than-usual stores all provide no shortage of ways for bored people awaiting flights to spend a lot of money.

Does security equal safety?

By now, we’re all used to removing our belts and shoes and taking electronics out of their cases before getting close to our flight’s gate.

But are these things necessary?

Largely and simply- no.

Hard to believe? Consider TSA PreCheck, Clear, and whatever other such entities may exist.

Travelers with these can go through security while leaving belts, shoes, and electronics where they are.

And why? Because those people are safer?

Well, yes. Their backgrounds have been carefully examined by… whoever does such things.

Also, no. These are the same caliber of people but they have the means to pay for a faster security process. That’s it.

Then why doesn’t the TSA run background checks on everybody? Again, the answer is financial.

Additionally (and back on regular security lines) young and old people do not have to endure the same measures as everyone else. Are they less likely to be terrorists? Probably. But are they more likely to be used negatively because of their age? There ya go…

Speaking of terrorists, it’s not possible to write something like this without mentioning the hi-jackings and attacks of September 11, 2001.

Since then, the United States government has spent over one *trillion* dollars on defense. The public doesn’t know how much of that went to the Transportation Security Administration (TSA, now part of the Department Of Homeland Security), but many analysts have determined that whatever the amount- it’s too much.

The whole process is mostly theatrical, in that it shows the illusion of safety without actually accomplishing anything. Customers feel like it’s all necessary while TSA agents get paid the same amount whether they rush you through or take their time.

(Not sure about you but I’ve never seen one move above a tortoise’s pace.)

Would you trust the average TSA agent to baby-sit your kids?

TSA agents are often under-paid and poorly-trained but they have the power to absolutely ruin your day.

By a gigantic majority, most people do not wish to cause harm on an airplane. They just want to get to the destination and proceed.

But if somebody *does* want to, that person could pretty easily figure out how while probably using the TSA’s own regulations against it.

(When did this article turn into a conspiracy theory!?)

Dogs

Isn’t it unfair that we’re not allowed to pet security dogs? It makes sense, though. I guess.

But did you know small pets in carriers are allowed on most flights?

I found that out when sitting next to a smelly couple with dogs named Jerry and Marley. (Seriously.) The humans were much more annoying than the caged beasts.

Boarding

Before even getting on the airplane, we must endure the “pre”-boarding of first class, business class, business-casual class, disabled travelers, current military, past military, future military, parents with small children, parents with large children, Gold members, Silver members, Orange members, Magenta members, people in the Zoom Zoom Club, people in the Super Zoom Zoom Club, people in the Mega Super Zoom Zoom Club, and guys named Ralph. Then and only then can the remaining 98% of travelers scan their own passes and proceed slower-than-anything to their seats.

But, at least boarding itself is done in the most efficient way possible.

Or…

Scientists and mathematicians have devised several ways to board planes involving front-to-back, alternating rows, random but controlled entry, and other methods. These techniques have been tested and the results were generally positive, cutting boarding time by at least half.

Then why haven't these faster ways been adopted?

It is simple to teach an individual new behavior but almost impossible to teach the same to a group. People en masse are not capable of following simple plans that would relieve a problem everybody shares.

I probably ripped him off in some way while writing this part, so here is George Carlin’s bit about the whole thing.

Why does the pilot always tell us the cruising altitude?

This is done to let passengers and crew know the aircraft will stop ascending once a certain height is reached. Doing so can explain any turbulence along the way.

It is important for pilots to consider altitude because the chosen paths have been deemed the safest in which to fly, with air movement and distance from other airplanes among the main factors.

Regardless, few people care how high the craft will be flying and I think a promise to not crash would be much more comforting.

What is that loud, seemingly random BING BONG sound?

Though it may appear that this noise was designed to jolt people from sleep, it’s actually communication from the cockpit to the flight attendants to indicate various things, such as certain altitudes being reached and the ‘fasten seat belts’ sign turning off.

Why was it called a ‘cockpit’ but isn’t anymore?

There are several theories to the term’s origin but the most popular one points at ‘cock’ being an Old English word meaning ‘boat’. The person in charge of steering the craft was called a ‘cockswain’ (spelled coxswain today and pronounced ‘kak-sun’), meaning ‘boat servant’. As aviation became a more common thing, the name went along with it.

It may not be called that any longer because of cockfighting, also known as roosters being forced to battle each other. There also could be a more juvenile explanation but this is a classy blog so such things will not be discussed.

Why does the flight attendant always offer ice cubes in orange juice?

Apparently, some people prefer that disgusting filth.

Why was I given a full box of tissues to vomit in that one time?

Because there were no bags available. After what they had to clean up, they were probably obtainable on every flight from then on.

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To close, when asked how a flight was, I respond with something like this:

The plane took off and landed where I wanted to go, which was great. Everything before and during was horrible.

 

Thanks to these websites for making this article possible:

Google.com, History.com, NASA.gov, elevate-aviation.com, Wikipedia.org, How Things Fly, Mental Floss, CabinCrew Chit Chat, Does Airport Security Really Make Us Safer?