Take Me Out

Take Me Out
by Rob Cottignies

Despite COVID-19’s best efforts, baseball is happening once again.

Normally, it would be another half-year of the same boring game in various uniform colors on every screen in bars. But now, many of us are not allowed into bars and there is not even the slightest hope of seeing a fight in the stands since cardboard is yet to attack itself.

I have often wished baseball a slow, wretched death because it is such a slow, wretched game.

…

But first, a non-baseball issue:

Before a game, everyone is asked to stand and remove their hats while the Star-Spangled Banner is performed. Standing supposedly displays respect and patriotism but therein lies a contradiction: How can something be patriotic if not everybody can do it? Are people without legs or who are wheelchair-bound not patriotic? I would think whoever made up the tradition (yes, it was simply made up one day) would have chosen something everyone can do.

And stop with this standing/kneeling debate. It doesn't matter whether someone stands, kneels, sits, lies down, vomits, or does jumping-jacks during a song. If love for your country is in your heart, that's good enough. If you want to stand during the Anthem, great. If not, great. Putting emphasis on something that really doesn't matter is useless.

Or, you know, do some research into why they’re kneeling instead of yelling about it.

The hat-removal topic is even more inane but watch George Carlin do a much better job discussing it than I ever could.

…

Back to baseball. What’s happening on the field?

Batter steps up to the plate...
Stretches for a bit...
Demands everyone wait for him…
Adjusts his batting glove…
Digs into the dirt...
Takes some practice swings because he’s clearly new to the activity…
He's ready to bat...
The pitcher stamps his feet on the ground...
Bends over...
Looks at the catcher's crotch...
Shrugs off one signal...
Shrugs off another...
Glances at the guy on first base because he moved an inch…
Stares at the guy on third…
Looks back at the catcher's crotch...
Shrugs off another signal...
Nods his head...
Stands up...
Looks at the guy on third, again...
Finally…THE PITCH!!!!!!

Ball one.

And it repeats...

…

Here’s how I would fix this mind-numbing routine:

Every batter gets one pitch. If the pitcher is good, he'll throw a strike. If the batter is better, he'll get a hit. One strike is an out; one ball a double; swing and miss and you're out for the game.

Also, each team gets one pitcher per game; no relief or closers. If his arm gets injured or tired, he can throw with the other one, which just might lead to hits and things happening and excitement!!!

This would also hopefully prevent a horrible pitchers’ duel. I cannot think of anything less interesting, except…

Our batter is still at the plate and the count is now 2 balls, 1 strike. We missed two instances of crotch-looking and it couldn’t matter less.

While the batter removes then replaces his batting glove for no reason, I’ll take time to note how lovely the weather is.

Baseball is always played in lovely weather because rain might cause their obnoxious uniforms to get a tad muddy or, worse yet, someone might develop a wittle itty bitty case of the sniffles. But don’t worry- If a player gets a cold he can go on the disabled list along with macho men who stubbed pinkies and didn’t get their diapers changed before nap time.

…

A little more crotch-looking and we’re at 3 balls, 2 strikes.

Is something about to happen!? The count is full so there must be action on the next pitch.

And it’s a hit!

Foul ball.

But a foul is a strike so the batter is out, yes?

Nope.

This nightmare can only end one of three ways: 1) There will be a real strike and the batter will get angry and sit down after wasting ten minutes of everyone’s time; 2) He will hit the ball and a few people will have to move; or 3) The pitch will be outside of the strike zone and this bonehead will get to WALK to first base after accomplishing nothing.

Whatever happens will be dull but at least it won’t be an *intentional walk*. Please don’t make me describe that awful scenario.

…

What bothers me about the steroids debate is if I were to watch baseball, I’d want to see home runs. I do not care if Fastball Frankie can throw a ball with such a spin that it dips at the right time, resulting in a swing and/or miss. That guy should go into Physics and invent something useful with his skill. I want to see a smash hits which go out of the stadium to shatter people's windshields. I WANT A FINAL SCORE OF BREWERS 53, CARDINALS 45!

(Those teams were chosen randomly. I hold no allegiance, if you’ve not figured that out already.)

Also, I dislike how only one team can score per half-inning.

In real sports, one team has possession of the ball or puck but the other team can steal it and get points at any time. That’s exciting! How can you watch a team only play defense?

I propose the team in the field earns a point for pegging a base runner with the ball. Two points for a face shot. That would surely make Captain Five-O’clock-Shadow rethink stealing second.

Or, once per inning, the catcher can body-slam a batter to the ground and take his bat, hitting his own team’s pitch and scoring based on distance. But the batter can fight back with his cleats! The catcher has all that equipment on so why not use it!?

How about having only one umpire? And it’s a one-eyed four-year-old from Uzbekistan who doesn’t leave right field!

Are my suggestions practical? I don’t care. I just think baseball should be as exciting as television’s eternal coverage pretends it is.

…

I (obviously) find baseball dreadful.

For a weird segue, I find the Ku Klux Klan even more dreadful.

Check this out:

At baseball games, a common practice is to hang a banner with a K on it for every strikeout the home team gets.

In the 1800s, some limey Brit developed a system for scoring baseball games. He is responsible for the scores by inning as well as the Runs Hits Errors part after it.

My guess is he devised this structure over the course of a few games (and tea with crumpets) because he was so insanely bored.

He abbreviated a single with an S, so a player being struck out was not-so-cleverly abbreviated K.

Today, something like this happens: After strikeout #1, whoever's in charge of the banners displays a big K. After #2, another K is added next to it.

The third strikeout where things get dicey.

If the same pattern repeats, it would read KKK, which is the usual initialism for the Ku Klux Klan- a group of unsavory white folks with a particular distaste for anyone who is not white and whatever other stupid criteria.

People generally don’t want to promote that group, so the third strikeout's K is frequently reversed.

Apparently a forward or backward K indicates whether the batter struck out swinging or looking, but most of us know what three sequential Ks represents.

Also, another yawn.

These are the things baseball fans pay attention to because there is so little action during the game.

Then there’s this argument:

Offended Guy: 'Hey, that means Ku Klux Klan.'
Banner Guy: 'No, it means the pitcher threw three strikeouts.'
No-Longer-Offended Guy: 'Oh, all right.'

And that would be it! Modern baseball does not promote white supremacy that I know of. The league and stands are filled with boring people from all sorts of boring places and backgrounds. The banner guy is not wearing a white robe with a stupid pointy hood.

Unless he is. Then the whole thing is racist.

…

I saw haircut store (a what?) in Tennessee named Kim's Klassy Kuts. Again, in Tennessee, not far from Lynchburg. That was quite likely racism disguised as something cutely vomit-inducing.

To end with an interesting bit of history, in 1925, there was a baseball game in Kansas between an all-black team and the Klan. The (black) Wichita Monrovians had an open invitation to anyone who wanted to play them.

Guess who accepted. Well, you don't have to guess because I’ve already told you.

Apparently, the game was a peaceful money-making success which ended with the Monrovians winning 10-8.

Check out the full story here.

It would be fascinating to know which direction the Ks faced during that game.

To close, baseball stinks. Have a nice day.