Half-Stewish

Half-Stewish
by Rob Cottignies

There is a guy named Stew, like the food only much more annoying and probably less tasty.

Stew has the rare condition of being allergic to not speaking. Ignoring social cues from people who are completely uninterested in what he’s saying is among his favorite hobbies.

During my first work shift with Stew, he announced his appointment with a Podiatrist. Stew didn't want to go to the Podiatrist. But Stew's foot was cracking and his doctor suggested going to the Podiatrist.

So Stew went to the Podiatrist, and there was quiet in the land.

Then Stew returned to tell everyone all about the Podiatrist.

I hate Stew. Not only does he constantly speak but he'll blurt out uninteresting things simply to ignite more talking. His father had to stop drinking for a month. He doesn't understand why there aren't stricter gun laws. He ate portabella fries the other day. Small tidbits, sure, but they always lead to seemingly-endless conversations. Hmm, maybe ‘soliloquies’ would be a more accurate word.

Stew also claims to be very politically-correct, because he doesn't want to offend anyone.

Stew told me a story about a guy who said "the K word" on TV. Stew whispered "the K word" after looking around to make sure no one else could hear it in a setting with very few people, none of whom would've been offended.

The K word which the TV guy had uttered which Stew could not bring himself to say was ‘kike’. Certainly not a pleasant word but one which should only be taken sorely if it's yelled in a mean way.

…

On my way home, I realized I had missed a grand opportunity.

My response to Stew's whisper should've been, 'What K word?' The discomfort on his Stew-pid face from having to say the word would’ve been so delicious. Then I should've asked what the word meant, after which I should've explained that when Jewish people entered America, many of them could not write their names in English on the entry forms. Instead, they drew a circle. The Yiddish word for 'circle' is 'keikl' [kike-uhl]. So, the agents referred to them as Kikes.

(And there’s the history of that particular thing.)

However, I did not say any of that.

In the time it would have taken, Stew had already begun rambling about new video games and every quirky cartoon on YouTube, so I'd have to wait until next time.

…

Next time came around and Stew was still relentlessly speaking, which I assumed was just a run-on sentence continued from the week before. At one point, Stew was ranting about Lenny Kravitz for some reason. Stew mentioned that Lenny is half-black and half-Jewish.

I had him.

It was time to play dumb-but-ultimately-smarter.

"How can someone be half-Jewish?" I asked.

I also wondered which half of the Torah Lenny believed. Stew said that Judaism is both a religion and a nationality. I told him it was not, as this blog by a Rabbi confirms. He gave several more replies, each of which garnered "But how can you be half of a religion?" from me.

Then, finally, he shut up. Two entire minutes went by without Stew saying a word. I had tamed the wretched beast.

…

The phrase 'half-Jewish' is unique, too. I've never heard anyone referred to as half-Buddhist or half-Pastafarian. So why does half-Jewish happen? (If you're still wondering, now would be a good time to read that blog by the Rabbi.)

As for Stew, I expect that the next time I must put up with him he will talk endlessly about things which are only of interest to himself. But now I know the monster can be defeated. You can beat your monster, too. (Innuendo not intended, but pretty funny.)

So get out there and destroy the beast that bothers you most. You'll feel good. I promise.