Oceans Of Death

Oceans Of Death

Imagine you're homeless because you lost your job and can no longer afford housing.

You're walking the streets, eating fast food wrappers, when you spot an open area of land that looks unused except for stones scattered all over the place.

You worked in construction, so you go to the office and suggest building some kind of housing on the property. You’re able to get a crew together, could plan everything, and would work for free as long as a living unit would be yours at the end.

The person in charge of the property would have to tell you- with a serious face- that breathing people cannot live on the land because it's reserved for the dead.

You’d then have to do everything in your power to not add that person to the underground community.

Upon the cease of bodily life, many people pay many dollars for many loved ones to be inserted into expensive boxes that get lowered into the ground and covered with dirt so body and box can both rot, never to be seen again.

What an archaic, sad, ugly ritual that renders the land useless.

…

A bunch of years ago in Africa, some pyramids were erected.

These massive structures were each built for one dead ruler, who was wrapped up and shut into an undisclosed room filled with riches.

How was the room kept secret?

After burying the pharaoh within the structure, the rooms and hallways would be booby-trapped to prevent thieves from entering the tomb. For the sake of keeping the correct route unknown, the unlucky workers were then murdered and thrown into mass graves, which were a fraction of the size of the Pyramids yet held lots of bodies.

It was eventually decided that neither of these methods- hundreds in a mass grave or a giant tomb for one person- was acceptable. Thus, an odd combination of the two came to be.

…

Why do people go to cemeteries? Driven by faith or not, most want to 'visit' their deceased relatives and friends. Some talk out loud, assuming the person's spirit can hear them.

Isn't it weird to think of your loved ones' spirits just hanging around their former Earthly bodies, waiting for someone to drop by? And if you believe people can hear you in the afterlife, why couldn't you just speak to them from any location? What a curious vision of the next world some people have.

Occasionally, visitors even purchase blankets for the graves when the weather gets cold. I can’t even pretend to understand that idea, but kudos to whoever profits from it.

…

My suggestion is to eliminate at least 99% of all cemeteries. This is a fairly simple (if expensive and time-consuming) exercise that could benefit a large portion of people.

If a grave has not been visited within the past five years, dig it up.

Some ideas for how to replace cemeteries are affordable housing, parks, gardens, or making the land usable for agriculture.

Even a golf course has more value than a cemetery, and better pants.

Just use the land for something instead of nothing.

Regarding housing, some people would have a problem living on a former cemetery because the buildings might be “haunted” by the previous “residents”.

As comedian Jimmy Carr once said, “It's actually easy to tell if your house is haunted. It isn't.”

Besides, if a person with no home refuses to live somewhere because of superstition, that person deserves to sleep in terrible places and eat fast food wrappers.

…

Critics of my idea might say things such as, ‘But what about the jobs cemeteries provide?’ or ‘People who believe in cemeteries would be upset’ or ‘What would we do with the bodies?’

In order: Plenty of other jobs exist, tell them it’s time to act like adults, and utilize them! Bones could be fashioned into hunting gear or art, hair could be given to those without any, and the meat could be eaten. Yes, by humans. Humanity has a starvation problem and one solution would be cooking the dead.

Cannibalism may be taboo according to many cultures but I don't think a starving person would turn down a bowl of human soup.

I know I wouldn’t, and starvation isn’t an issue for me.

…

Here are some alternative ideas of what to do with your body once your brain deems it useless:

*Get ground up and planted as a tree! Can you sit under a tombstone and read? Can you fall out of a plot marker? Does a mausoleum go through photosynthesis, thus creating oxygen for live people to breathe?

To get started, check out a company called Bios Urn.

*Have a Viking funeral! The body in question is placed on a wooden craft and tastefully decorated by loved ones and adoring fans. Craft and body are then set ablaze and pushed off to sea, where the pair gets observed until both are fully consumed. This is followed by a wild beach party in the deceased's honor. Wood, air, fire, water- wonderfully elemental.

*Volunteer for your body to be eaten by something! (I actually wrote that as another option but as an insult it's a great suggestion if you'd like to go do that right now.)

...

Cemeteries also give florists a lot of business. A suggestion for them would be to petition Hallmark to invent another holiday to boost their flower sales.

How much death must cemeteries consume, anyway? When weeping people lay flowers six feet above their person's rotting corpse, what happens to the plants?

They become rotting flora-corpses. The same thing happens to all the arrangements delivered to funeral homes.

The death of one human causes other humans to kill hundreds or thousands of plants.

Zennists believe in balance. This is a great example of the opposite.

…

The biggest question I have about cemeteries is: ‘What happens when they're all full?’

It's mathematically inevitable. And really, what then?

Earth's population is increasing and more living bodies means more dead bodies.

Will the world be overrun with cemeteries? Will people get dug up and removed according to burial date or importance? If the latter, who decides?

This topic can be disturbing to think about but I think it's important. If humanity can agree on nothing else, let’s value living people more than the dead.

Stop the tired practice of cemeteries and simply honor those who’ve passed with pictures and memories.

Yes, in your brains. Don’t be afraid to use them.

 

Babies Give Me The UGHS

BABIES GIVE ME THE UGHS

I was at work with a nasty cold because I obviously wouldn’t use a 'sick day' when I was actually sick.

I slept horribly the night before, as did the manager, who told me that his baby kept waking him up. He desperately tried to make it seem like his lack of sleep was worse than mine, to which I responded, “Well, I didn’t choose to have a cold.”

Nice!

…

I am apparently in the minority with this opinion, but I think everything about babies is awful, though people often throw words around like ‘cute’ and ‘precious’ and ‘not awful’ when describing them.

Some parents are even ‘proud’ of their babies, whatever that means.

How can any of these words be used to describe useless lumps of nonsense that contribute nothing?

Even before the kid is born, there is so much focus on it. Baby showers and remodeling rooms and doctor visits and learning how to breathe and whatever else happens.

Then the kid appears and just sucks time and sanity from formerly-decent people.

Have you ever tried talking to the parent of a baby? I said 'tried' because all one can do is attempt without succeeding:

'Did you watch that new show about the kind-hearted serial killer?'

'No, I was putting Baby to bed then watched her for three hours.'

'Doing what?'

'Sleeping.'

'You suck now.'

It is similarly impossible even when the kid grows up a little:

'Hey, want a beer?'

'Well, I don't know because... [looks away] Balthazar Horatio Girdlestaff! Do not eat the lawn fertilizer!'

(You have to tell the kid this? What an idiot.)

And what is this thing where people simply refer to Baby? Gerber and other such companies say things like, 'This is good for Baby.' Who is Baby? Is she in the corner somewhere? Did that reference make sense? Whatever.

When did possessive pronouns become obsolete? 'Because you care so much for Baby.' No, because you care so much for YOUR baby. That’s how it works, grammatically speaking.

How it never works is by asking me if I want to hold a baby.

Why would I do this? To bond? Over what!? Does the kid listen to Viking metal? Has it read the latest issue of National Geographic? What about writing insightful yet hilarious essays?

No, no, and no, in an ocean of no-ness.

The only thing we have in common is that we burp, but I (usually) can control it and (usually) refrain from doing it like a rude jerk while everyone is eating dinner. Plus, my burps are (usually) powerful and awesome.

For another win, unidentifiable muck (usually) does not emerge when I burp.

…

Not to be outdone by these insufferable parents, here is my list of words to describe babies:

UGLY

“Aww, your baby is beautiful.” –something only liars have said

You might think that your microscopic reproductive sludge creating a living being is beautiful, which is fine because Biology is amazing, but stop pretending your baby does not look like a creature from the planet Hideous.

Actually, if you gave a creature from the planet Hideous a crayon and told it to draw what it thought an alien baby looked like, the result would be your gross kid.

Babies are ugly, fat, lumpy masses of gobbledygook. (One could say the same about Americans in general and I would not argue.)

Have you seen the Gerber baby? This is a huge company with access to millions of baby pictures and that disgusting blob was the best they could find, meaning it was the least-revolting.

(I am uncertain about its relevance, but I have always wanted to run this experiment:

After a baby is born in a hospital, it is placed in a room with other babies so they can all scream and be the worst. Or is that not the case? I don’t know.

Anyway, it has been said that new mothers can naturally tell which baby is theirs.

I say prove it. And if the wrong one is picked, oh well.

More like motherly inSTINKt!)

And stop telling the parents, “Oh he looks just like his mommy”. Unless Mommy is also a creature from the planet Hideous, this is untrue. The child is a repulsive, amorphous mush that is not worth looking at ever.

Have you ever seen a blobfish? Whether you answered yes or no, look up a picture of one immediately.

Now you know exactly what a baby looks like.

GROSS

Have you ever changed a diaper? I certainly have not.

Do you know the contents of diapers?

Yeah, that stuff. And that other stuff. And probably more gross stuff I would prefer didn’t invade my skin, clothes, table, ceiling, floor, or walls.

Also, why is boys peeing while getting diapers changed considered cute? It is urine in your face and I think you deserve it.

Parents also talk about their babies spontaneously vomiting all over them. This is not sweet nor darling, but unacceptably offensive to all the senses.

Have you ever watched a baby eat? I am not talking about awkwardly staring at a mother with her boob plopped out at the mall food court; I mean spoons full of goop that the kid “gets more on him than in him”.

That is sickening, unless your idea of a good time involves puréed carrots being spat all over the shirt of an adult who used to be a real person.

Here is a free parenting tip- Dump a cup of yogurt directly on your baby’s forehead.

Its face will get covered, but that happens anyway, right? The kid will flail around and probably half of the yogurt will end up in its stupid mouth. Much less effort for the same result without making any zoomy choo-choo noises.

After ten minutes, spray the kid with a hose and put it in the crib. Not nap time yet? Aside from the fact that [all time is fictitious], this will teach the kid, ‘Put in the crib, time to shut up and go to sleep.’

https://spoolygoo.blogspot.com/2020/03/time-is-meaningless.html

Additionally, what is this curiosity where people (mostly women) will look at a baby and say something about eating its chubby cheeks? Cannibalism is not cute.

HORRIBLE

By 'Horrible', I mean ungrateful:

‘Hey, child, here are the gifts of life, food, clothing, shelter, entertainment, and attention.’

‘That’s nice but instead of appreciating them I will CRY and SCREAM and you can do exactly nothing about it.’

(I understand the urge to cry and scream but at least focus the effort somewhere.)

By ‘Horrible’, I also mean horrible:

Just as babies are not good for anything, they are good at nothing.

For instance, do you know how long it takes a newborn giraffe to begin walking? One single, solitary hour!

When do baby humans start walking? Six months? Six years? Regardless, it is definitely NOT one hour.

And when the calf does walk, there are no pictures taken or dreadfully glowing faces to be seen. Mama Giraffe thinks, 'Right. Now eat some leaves and if a hyena comes near you, kick it.'

Oh yeah, newborn giraffes can not only walk, but kick.

Baby giraffes: 2, Baby humans: -7,962,089

STUPID

In a tie with everything else, the most obnoxious thing parents say goes something like this: 'I'm not saying this because she's MINE, but my daughter is really smart.’

Two things:

1) Your child is not smart. Looking in your direction when you call her name is a reaction to a sound. She does not know her stupid name nor your stupid face nor anything else for that matter.

Parents love to pretend the trivial things their babies do are brilliant and miraculous. Your child will not do or say anything impressive for a long time, if ever.

2) You are, with complete certainty, saying the kid is smart because she is yours. Have you ever said the same about someone else's baby? Have your friends noticed this brilliance and commented on it? No and no, so shut up.

Babies just look around and make fart noises because they are awful at everything. If that’s not the definition of stupid, it’s probably close.

…

One more thing- After your child hits the year mark, stop referring to its age in months:

'Oh, how old is your kid?'

'SIXTY-TWO MONTHS.'

I have no problem doing Math but why must I do so to figure out your idiotic kid's idiotic age?

…

People I have had this discussion with LOVE to point out that I was a baby once, as if I had no idea.

Not only is that true, but I was ugly and gross and horrible and stupid.

Luckily, I grew out of it quickly and am now stunning and somewhat clean and awesome and undeniably clever.