I'd Prefer Never

 

I’D PREFER NEVER

don’t show up late
I’d rather you didn’t bother coming at all
your reason will mean nothing to me, regardless of what it is
train, traffic, construction, animal crossing
NO TURN ON RED
I don’t care
oh, the bus was delayed?
take a different route
oh, your car wouldn’t start?
get a reliable one
and pick up some of that dependability while you’re at it
oh, your dog got out of the yard?
it was lucky to get away from you
and give it a new name; the one you picked is stupid
oh, you got pulled over?
stop driving recklessly
oh, there was a last-minute emergency?
put it on hold
this is more important

your excuse does not matter
I don’t want to hear it
spare me
your explanation can’t make up for the time I’ve already lost
forgiveness is not an option

the Sun is always on time
so is the Moon
and they’re not even conscious beings
or maybe they are

the point is, I will be taking this very personally
it was a mistake to assume you’d be considerate
I put in the effort to be here
the least you could do is show up when you said you would

your apology is hollow
it has fallen on deaf ears
not sure if I can’t hear you or just don’t want to
either way, saying sorry is useless

you must have done this on purpose, specifically to hurt me
you could’ve just told me that you didn’t care
I don’t even want you here

but please show up
I’m so lonely…

 

For Them (Missing Mercury)

 

FOR THEM (MISSING MERCURY)

I see her walking to the door
she looks prettier in the reflection
I will make her knock
and she does- three times
"let. me. in."
I do, and she says it again
her words match my heartbeat
gentle and soft, yet full of rage
her eyes pierce through me
but I want her to look at me with blurry vision
and a heart full of emptiness
I should not speak but I do anyway
and I say the wrong thing
I want to smile, but it’s so unfamiliar
and it hurts my face

what goes on in my head?
bad memories of good times
missing her embrace will give me enough energy to get through this
everything is more important than it ever was
so, what do I need?
don’t insult me with love
just be there for me, regardless

I could count on her when everyone else lied
but now, the glass has shattered
and at least one of us is hurt
I watch as she collapses
and wonder how to react
if I help her up, she'll thank me
if I make her remember, she might adore me
but if I kiss her, will she reciprocate?
for a moment, I recognize her pain
knowing how it feels to be lying helpless on a cold floor
I choose to leave her alone
so she can wake up and think to herself
"isn't something missing?"
she'll try to remember me but find she can't
what she doesn't know won't hurt her
what she doesn't know is that I was never even there...

Karma Is A Bird

Karma Is A Bird
by Rob Cottignies

(This was a dream I had.)

            This morning, I was in a bookstore when I noticed Katy Perry doing an album signing. I enjoy some of her songs, especially Firework.

 Slayer was in my Discman and I thought it would be funny to ask her to sign that instead. I waited on line and shook her hand when I got to the table. It was soft and wonderful to feel. (Her hand, not the table.) I popped open my portable player and my request for her to autograph my Slayer disc was met with an odd smirk. I felt like she understood that I wanted her signature in a funny way when she signed it.

 For a moment, I thought she was flirting with me, but I quickly came to my senses and I began to walk away. I felt eyes on my back before I heard, “If you were more into mainstreaming I would love to hang out with you.”

 I asked what mainstreaming was.

 “You’re cute, but you should look and act a bit trendier.”

 “No thanks,” I said, strangely rejecting Katy Perry’s advances.

 She smiled.

 I thought she was going to ask to meet up after the signing session when a bird started chirping. I woke up and the thing was right outside my bedroom window, singing away. Some people find bird calls sweet and endearing. I do not, especially at 7:04am. In fact, I run my air conditioner every night so the noise it creates can overpower any outside sounds. It normally works when my neighbor starts his motorcycle, but this little avian creature was getting the best of me.

 I tried to shrug it off and continue my dream of the lovely Katy, but the pest wouldn't stop. Constant audio repetition keeps me awake like nothing else.

 Suddenly, I remembered I had a BB gun under the bed. I grabbed it, put on my robe, and went outside with the intent of firing a pellet directly into the bird's throat. If that didn't kill it, at least it would shut up and I could get back to sleep.

 The morning was misty and the dewy grass made my slippers wet, which made me angrier. I could hear the chirps but barely saw the bush they were coming from. Me, standing in the mist with a gun. It must have looked like a scene from Insomnia, though I was not hunting Robin Williams, but perhaps a member of the robin family. (Bad joke.)

 Anyway, I fired aimlessly in the direction of the bush until I heard a loud squawk. Confident that I'd dispatched the offending creature, I made my way back toward the front door. Five feet from the stairs, I was dive-bombed by a flock of screeching birds. They scared the wits out of me. I tripped over my own foot and banged my head on the concrete staircase.

 Many hours later, bandages shroud my head as I type from the hospital. Karma is very real, and its name is Sparrow.

 

A Letter To My Mom

  

While going through some papers, I came across a letter I apparently wrote to my mom for Mother’s Day in 2013. I don’t remember writing it, nor what her reaction was. She lived in Florida and had recently divorced my step-dad. This was a few weeks before she moved in with me, the then-owner of the house she bought with my dad. (Odd situation.) I found that all interesting, so here it is:

12 May, 2013

Mom-

First off, I am very proud of you. I know that’s not normally something said from a son, but it is the truth. I hate that you had to come to such a decision about Ken, but I definitely think it’s the right move for you. I’d been saying for a while that you had to be selfish and put your own needs ahead of everyone else’s, so it was a big relief for me when you had made a final choice, I hope the process goes as easily as possible and of course I will continue supporting you in any way I can.

Secondly, thank you. I know I’ve thanked you before, but no amount of times could ever be enough. I wouldn’t be me without so much love, understanding, and encouragement. And I’m pretty awesome, so you must have done something right! You’ve been there for me every step of every way and it means so much because I know there are mothers who are not nearly as great as you.

Now that our situations are shifting, we’ll need each other possibly more than ever. It won’t be easy for either of us, though we both need to change things and move along. I’ll certainly never stop being your son and now I’d like to become more of a friend to you. You’ve told me many things over the years (some, perhaps, could be classified as T.M.I.) but for no real reason, I’ve held back from being so open with you. I’m not saying I have a secret life you don’t know about, but I recall you saying something like you don’t really know me. It shouldn’t be that way. I’m not the most forthcoming person, but I want to erase that feeling from you. We’ve been through so much that it would be insane for either of us to hold back at this point.

To get that idea rolling, there actually is one thing I’ve kept from you and, again, I don’t really know why. I’m pregnant. Well no, but I wrote a journal of sorts while my dad was sick to record events and help me get out things I couldn’t fully express to anyone. I compiled it all into a long, quite sad but I think moving and well-written memoir. It’s a heavy read, especially since you were so involved with the situation, so I’ll e-mail it to you whenever you’re ready. I am sorry for not having shared it with you already.

For one more thing, a big concern I have about you is this negativity that comes out somewhat often. I know I can be cynic extraordinaire, but I think we handle it differently. Your childhood was unimaginably difficult and two marriages did not exactly go according to plan. These are not happy things, but my wish is that you grow from these experiences instead of holding onto and dwelling on them as you sometimes do. Good and bad events shape us equally and you wouldn’t be who you are today without them. You are a warm, funny, intelligent, beautiful person and a terrific mother. You’ve got lots of time left and I’d hate to see it wasted thinking about rotten things from the past. I also think your physical health would benefit from more positive thoughts. There should be more happy discussions. The other day, when you called with the wonderful news about Uncle Vic meeting with Michael, I was so glad to hear genuine happiness in your voice. We both need more of that!

I hope you appreciate this letter in lieu of a “gift” today. I felt it was more appropriate than a card someone else wrote or a present you might not use. Besides, with your allergic reactions to jewelry, your aversion to flowers and chocolate, and your difficulty with reading books, I couldn’t think of anything else to send you! But I guess another Que Pasta dinner wouldn’t hurt.

You are the best. Please continue to be so and I will do my part to make our relationship stronger.

I love you. Happy Mother’s Day.

~Rob(bie)

 

AFTERWORD 26 January, 2026: ‘Terrific’ was the wrong adjective. Horror – horrific. Terror – terrific? Doesn’t make sense. And since I’m always all about making sense, I should have gone with ‘excellent’.

Image; or Sorry, Charlie

 

Image; or Sorry, Charlie
by Rob Cottignies

 

            Myrtle had three cats. Their names are unimportant, but what is interesting is that her favorite one wasn’t even her own. According to his nametag, he lived four houses away and his name was Fluffy. According to Myrtle, her backyard was his home and his name was Charlie. He was orange with a white stripe that went from between his ears to halfway up his tail. He looked more like a Charlie than a Fluffy, thought Myrtle. She favored Charlie because her other cats were indoor animals. She loved the idea that he could roam wherever he wished, but always came back to her yard. The sweet old woman had gotten the three other cats two Winters earlier, after her husband, Charlie, had died. Charlie the cat gave her a daily reminder that Charlie the husband was still around, checking up on her.

             Malcolm had a genuine fondness for rap music. He didn’t like all of it, but he somehow related to inner-city struggles, though he was raised in a nice suburban home. His first month in high school was a tough and confusing one, as most are for adolescents. However, he quickly fell into a group of slightly older kids who liked the same music. They often called themselves gangsters, though most people would say they only pretended to play the part. They dressed the way many popular rappers do, with big flashy clothes. Malcolm’s favorite pants were big, but only because he’d lost thirty pounds over the past year. He held them up with suspenders, often over a flannel shirt. The gangster kids did not approve of his clothes, so to be a part of their group, Malcolm had to spend his newspaper route money on a new wardrobe.

             Myrtle’s morning ritual started with a cup of vanilla-flavored coffee, as it had since she was fifteen, sixty-two years ago. She always set a place at the table for her husband, and had only recently stopped preparing food for his space, which she did for over a year after his passing. Coffee always gave her a headache, but she loved the way it made her house smell. She’d pour milk into it and then prepare a bowl for Charlie the cat, who liked to wander around the nearby park before making his way to Myrtle’s backyard for the delicious treat. She’d leave it outside right before she left for school. Once there, she was in charge of preparing sandwiches for the three lunch periods. The routine of it all had become a great comfort to her, aside from being called “Myrtle The Turtle” by some boorish students. She’d grown immune to the name-calling by finding out the hard way that if she retaliated it would only get worse.

            Malcolm always woke up twenty minutes before school began. He lived on the same block as the school, so it didn’t take long to get there. Part of his morning routine had become dressing into his gangster clothes and staring at himself in the mirror. He hated what he saw, but went along with it for the sake of fitting in. Once at school, he spoke differently, acted differently, and even walked differently. Luckily, there were few mirrors in the hallways. His grades in middle school were excellent but had begun to slip in high school. He was acting up in class for the sake of a few cheap laughs and getting detention- something that had never happened before.

            One morning, Malcolm was asked to leave his Geography class after throwing paper balls at the teacher and various students. His gangster friend, Tripps- whose real name was Arnold- was impressed by the display. He told Malcolm that if he did it, he’d let him hang out with the rest of the crew on Friday night. This was a big step closer to becoming an official part of the gang. During the morning periods, the cafeteria doubled as the suspension room for students removed from class. A substitute teacher was in charge of the students, who mostly slept or caught up on homework. Malcolm promptly realized the substitute didn’t really care what went on, so he went to the lunch line to get a soda. He got Myrtle’s attention by shouting, “Hey, Turtle.” She stopped making her sandwich and looked up at him. “Give me a soda,” Malcolm demanded, only to find out he was not allowed to have one before lunch began. He knew the other mischievous students were watching, so he had to react in a big way, since it would definitely get back to his gangster pals. He reached over the counter, grabbed a half-made sandwich, and threw it across the cafeteria. “Get back in your shell,” he screamed and returned to his seat. The gangsters soon heard about Malcolm’s cafeteria antics and praised him.

            The next morning, Malcolm set his alarm to sound ten minutes earlier, so he could stare at his reflection longer.

            “We’re gonna get her back,” said Arnold. “Today, at lunch, Myrtle The Turtle’s getting soaked.”

            “I’ll get her right in the hunchback,” said P-Funk, whose actual name was Paul.

            Malcolm smiled. The gangsters were getting revenge for him, which had to mean he was that much closer to full acceptance.

            The three boys anxiously waited on the lunch line. Arnold was the decoy. Myrtle always gave him his low-sodium turkey sandwich and made some kind of light joke. “Don’t have the salty chips with this,” she’d often say and repeated again on this day. That was the cue for the other two.

            Splash! The first water balloon hit Myrtle directly in the face. She jumped back as fast as her feeble body would let her. Splash! Splash! She was hit with two more in the stomach. Of the fifteen balloons thrown, twelve hit her directly while two exploded behind her and one at her feet. That last one caused her to take a nasty fall on the hard, unforgiving floor.

            All three boys were suspended from school for the remaining two days of the week. They snuck out of their houses to meet in the park on their first “day off,” as they referred to it. Arnold and Paul were already deep in discussion when Malcolm arrived. “We’ve been talking,” began Arnold, “about our groundings. P-Funk got two weeks for getting suspended, and I got three, plus now I can’t go on the camping trip.”

            Malcolm tried to relate. “Yeah, I have to stay in for the next four weekends. This sucks.”

            Paul snapped back immediately. “What sucks is that we got punished because of you. Your beef with the Turtle made us do what we did. Now Tripps and I have to pay for what you started.”

            “But guys, I didn’t mean—” Malcolm’s apology was interrupted by Arnold’s fist hitting his stomach. Malcolm’s body begged for air but could find none to take in. Keeled over, he was struck repeatedly on his back while also being hit with accusations that didn’t really seem true. Once Malcolm regained his breath, he stood up only to be punched directly in the nose by Paul. Upon seeing blood, the two attackers fled the scene.

            Malcolm hobbled to a nearby road and sat on the curb. His tears of disgust washed some of the blood off his face. Just when Malcolm thought he couldn’t get any more confused, he heard a voice. “Are you OK?” it asked. He looked up and, though his vision was blurry, he immediately knew the question had come from the old woman he’d assaulted with water balloons just one day earlier. “My house is right over there. Do you want to come in and get cleaned up?” Myrtle cringed as the words left her mouth, but she knew it was the right thing to do.

            Bandaged and iced, Malcolm enjoyed the tomato soup that had been heated for him. Charlie the cat was not around, but Myrtle introduced her young guest to her three indoor pets. He stroked their fur while looking around the simple kitchen. “Who’s that?” asked the visitor of a man in a picture.

            “That’s Charlie,” said his widow. “He was my husband. He died two years ago when his kidneys stopped working.”

            “Oh,” said the boy, amazed she’d put it so delicately. “Sorry.”

            “Thank you. Are you also sorry for what you and your friends did to me?”

            “Yes. We really didn’t mean for you to get hurt. I don’t know what we meant to happen. It was stupid. I’m very sorry.”

            “I forgive you,” said Myrtle. “Just don’t let it happen again!”

            With an awkward but genuine smile, Malcolm thanked the lunch lady for helping him and went home before his parents got back from work. The reflection in his mirror, though bruised and bloody, was now hopeful. Tripps and P-Funk were done with him, and he was now free to create his own personality. He put on his favorite rap album and fell asleep.

            On the second day of his suspension, Malcolm awoke to his doorbell ringing. It repeated several times before he rose from bed. Arnold and Paul were on the other side of the door. Without a welcome, they entered the home.

            “What do you guys want?” asked the defiant Malcolm.

            “We want to let you know that we were just testing you yesterday,” said Arnold. “We saw this show about street gangs and how they beat up new recruits to see if the guy reports it.”

            “You passed,” Paul chimed. “You are one of us.”

            Malcolm certainly hadn’t forgotten the beating he took the day before. His heart said he shouldn’t forgive them, but they were awfully convincing.

            Arnold told him that the beating was his initiation, but he still had to make up for getting them suspended.

            Malcolm waited several moments before immaturely telling them, “I know where she lives.”

            Myrtle came home from her weekly Bingo outing that night. She’d won three rounds, so she was feeling rather high-on-life. She smiled as she put on the parking brake. She smiled as she unclasped her seatbelt. She smiled as she opened the door and smelled the cool night air.

Myrtle’s lovely smile was destroyed at her doorstep. Lying there, distastefully on her Welcome mat, was the lifeless body of Charlie the cat. Myrtle knew he was old, but the blood scattered about led her to also know this was not the result of Nature. In tears, she walked four houses down the block to tell the residents of Fluffy’s demise. Upon seeing him, they were shocked someone would do such a cruel thing to an animal, but didn’t seem overly concerned for their pet. Myrtle, alternately, was devastated. Gone was her outdoor playmate and greatest reminder of her husband’s lingering presence. She buried the animal during a tear-soaked ceremony in her backyard. His makeshift gravestone read, ‘RIP Charlie.’

            Malcolm had turned his mirror around so he could not see his reflection on Monday morning. He had a terrible weight on his shoulders, but also a new identity as an official part of Tripps and P-Funk’s gang. In accordance with this, he once again got kicked out of his Geography class. There were no other students in the cafeteria so he was able to approach the counter and say, “Excuse me, may I please have a soda?” Myrtle had applied more make-up than usual that morning to cover her sour face, which only backfired when her tears smeared it horribly. Though he already knew, Malcolm quietly asked what was wrong.

            “It’s my cat, Charlie. He’s dead. He was killed on Friday night.” She hesitated briefly before asking, “Do you know anything about this?”

            Malcolm was confused. He knew he hadn’t met a cat named Charlie at Myrtle’s house, but that her husband’s name was Charlie. In a concerned yet dismissive manner, he said, “I don’t remember any of their names being Charlie.”

            “He wasn’t really mine, but I adopted him from people who didn’t give a damn about him. They called him Fluffy but I named him Charlie since his fur reminded me of my husband’s beard.” Myrtle was sobbing. “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM!?”

            The boy stood in a daze. Tears welled up in his own eyes as he watched the frail old woman gasp for air. He couldn’t take the sight anymore. “My friends did it,” he exclaimed. “I was there, but I didn’t hit the cat, I swear. They threw rocks at him until he stopped moving.”

            “Which one put him on my welcome mat?” demanded Myrtle.

            “Tripps. Arnold, I mean. He did it. We didn’t know he was your adopted cat. They were mad about getting suspended and—“

            Myrtle walked away. Malcolm knew he wouldn’t be forgiven this time.

            Before she went home for the day, the lunch lady grabbed the only low-sodium turkey sandwich from the refrigerator. She emptied a few capsules of her arthritis medicine into the bread. This was the best revenge she could think of.

            Had Arnold eaten his usual sandwich for lunch that day, he would have felt dizzy and had a mild stomach ache for about an hour. Had Malcolm’s mother not prepared peanut butter and jelly for her son, Arnold would have felt dizzy and had a mild stomach ache. Malcolm hated peanut butter and Arnold jumped at the chance to trade. Had Malcolm ever taken pain medication, it would have been known that he was allergic to acetaminophen. All of these factors contributed to Malcolm’s untimely death.

            Myrtle was overcome with grief when the news hit her home. She knew it would all get back to her eventually and could not stand the thought of prison, even though she knew she belonged there. The old woman, in disbelief of what she had done, took a bottle of pills from her bathroom and went into the backyard. She placed a picture of Charlie the husband on top of Charlie the cat’s grave. Staring at the scene she’d created, she swallowed as many pills as her body would allow. Her dying words were, “I’m sorry, Charlie.”

 

Jerry Armageddon

 

Jerry Armageddon
by Rob Cottignies

Jerry Willis often wondered why happy hour is usually more than 60 minutes.

His co-workers hated his questions. He knew they didn't like him, but he enjoyed following them to the local bar because they would make his favorite cocktail- a mixture of rum, seltzer, and pickle juice. Jerry's co-workers also didn't like him because his favorite cocktail included pickle juice.

The employees were allowed to leave fifteen minutes early at the end of every week. As 4:30 approached each Friday, Jerry would get excited for his pickle juice cocktail. While Jerry got excited for his pickle juice cocktail, his co-workers tried to leave before he saw them.

Nancy, who liked Jerry least of all, was his boss. She popped into Jerry's office one Friday at 4:30. "Jerald", she said, hoping that using his full name bothered him, "I need you to stay a bit later today. I know you're excited to get your pickle drink, but I need that report."

Pickle drink? The nerve of Nancy. It was a cocktail, Jerry thought. In fact, the pickle cocktail was named for Jerry at the local happy hour bar. The manager said the drink was special, but Jerry knew it was because he was the only one who ordered it. It was called The Jerry and he hoped it would be on their menu one day.

Because he just had to, Jerry quipped to Nancy, "You know, if happy hour was really only one hour, I would miss some quality cocktail time." Nancy rolled her eyes and fired back. "But it goes until 8:00. If you're a little late this one time it won't be the end of the world."

Jerry understood what Nancy meant, but he had no way of knowing the actual gravity of her words.

Jerry had been going to happy hour every Friday for three years. He routinely had two Jerrys, then would leave the rest of the party after a failed joke about not being able to drive home.

But this Friday was different. Call it destiny, but if Jerry didn't get to happy hour by 5:00, it would, in fact, be the end of the world. No nuclear missiles nor volcanic eruptions. No solar flares nor meteor bombardment. No oceans rising nor predictions by Nostradamus. Everything relied on Jerry getting to happy hour on time.

Truth is, things like this have happened throughout the course of history. One time, Jerry's brother wanted to eat a third plate of chicken wings. His friends tried to dissuade him, but he convinced them it would be fine by saying that eating another plate of chicken wings wouldn't be the end of the world. Jerry's brother didn't know how right he was. Had he not ordered the extra plate, the world would have ended.

What an unknowing hero.

And that's only one example of how different things could have gone.

This time, however, was Jerry's turn to unwittingly save the world.

While Jerry was preparing Nancy's report, his brother was saving someone's life. Jerry's brother was a surgeon at a hospital in a large city. He didn't know how the patient had gotten injured, but he knew it was his duty to save her.

Jerry typed while his brother opened the girl's stomach. Jerry typed while his brother removed something from the girl's liver. Jerry took a break from typing to drink some water while his brother stitched up the girl's organ.

Jerry finished the report at 4:50. Happy hour was ten minutes away. Jerry gathered his things and drove to the local bar while his brother closed the girl's stomach. Jerry stopped to let someone cross at an intersection while his brother thought the girl was going to survive. Jerry walked into the bar at 5:01 while his brother's patient died on the operating table.

Seeing the patient die, a nurse died. Seeing that nurse die, another nurse died. Hearing the sound of the nurses falling to the floor, Jerry's brother turned around to see them and himself died. The girl's parents, who were watching the procedure from another room, died from watching Jerry's brother die. The intern who was responsible for bringing the girl's parents back to the waiting room after surgery entered that room and died from the sight.

All of this happened while Jerry sipped his first Jerry cocktail and told bad jokes which his co-workers hated.

People at the hospital in the large city were dying from seeing other people die. More nurses died. More doctors died. More interns died. This caused patients and their visitors to die. This caused the janitors and an elevator mechanic to die.

Everyone in the hospital had died before Jerry finished the cocktail. He would never find out about his brother and the rest of the hospital. He would especially never find out that he had caused the end of the world.

An ambulance rushed to the hospital. A technician ran in to announce that there would be many more ambulances coming. The people at the desk were dead. Soon, the technician and the people in the ambulance and all the people in all the ambulances were dead. Then people walking past the hospital began dying. Then people driving past them began dying. Then police officers responding to the sound of car crashes began dying.

Nancy was surprised when Jerry when he ordered his third Jerry cocktail, and got away from him quickly. She was tired of listening for probably the hundredth time about how he wanted to get The Jerry onto the cocktail menu. He wasn't so quiet about it around Nancy. Jerry liked Nancy, not in the 'true love' sense, but because she was the only woman he spoke to regularly. Jerry hoped that one day Nancy would return his flirtations.

And it would've happened, but not on that day, which was the end of the world.

Every person in Jerry's brother's large city was dead.

While Jerry flirted with Nancy and drank his third cocktail, visitors to the large city died in the airport terminals, then at the gates and jetways. Pilots and their crews didn’t even make it off the planes. Nobody in the tower was alive to warn them.

While Jerry finished cocktail, the plague of death-by-sight reached other large cities, and Nancy was actually listening to Jerry's rambling.

While Jerry ordered yet another cocktail, the outbreak spread through entire continents, and Nancy was feeling more than a little bit tipsy.

Here is how Jerry and Nancy came to be the last people in civilization: Nancy excused herself to go to the bathroom. She unwittingly gave Jerry a wink, which he noticed immediately. Suddenly Jerry had to go to the bathroom too.

While Nancy was disgusted that she'd winked at Jerry, he was checking his teeth for food, though he hadn't eaten anything. Drunk and vulnerable, Nancy cried to her sister on the phone while Jerry combed his hair with his fingers. Jerry was satisfied his look would convince Nancy that it was their special day and waited outside her bathroom. Jerry was oblivious to the fact that everyone in the restaurant was dead.

Outside the bathroom, humanity was more dead than alive and Jerry looked at himself in a mirror. Inside the bathroom, Nancy had died from seeing her sister die, who saw her husband die, who saw their neighbor die, and so on.

Jerry heard Nancy's body hit the cold floor and rushed in, only to die himself.

Jerry, the last person in civilization, was dead.

Soon enough, every person who was at sea and in space would be dead. Every person exploring caves and on long hiking trips would be dead. Every single person, regardless of who they'd been, would be dead. And The Jerry would never make it to the cocktail menu.

 

Presidents Of The United States

Presidents Of The United States

“Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.”
-Douglas Adams, author of The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy

Here are the American presidents in chronological order with some important and/or interesting facts about them. Of course, there is much more to know about each person. Use any of the links below the list to find out more.

Technically, there were presidents before George Washington- 14 to be exact. They were ‘Presidents of Congress’ until the United States (and its executive branch) was officially formed. The first “president” was Maryland native John Hanson, who, among other things, established Thanksgiving as the fourth Thursday in November. John Hancock held the position in 1776, which enabled him to famously sign the Declaration Of Independence first.

But first, some general information about the presidency and Electoral College, which is still confusing but perhaps this description can help a bit.

Hail To The Chief!

Facts about the presidency

*To run for president, a person must have been born in the United States, to establish a tie to the country. Secondly, the person has to have lived in the U.S. for at least 14 years, though it’s not specified whether those years are consecutive or cumulative. Lastly, the candidate must be at least 35 years old, a qualification which was installed to ensure a level of experience and maturity but has come under recent scrutiny because life expectancy was shorter when the Constitution was written.

*Speaking of the Constitution, the only presidents to sign it were Washington and Madison.

*A person who ascended to presidency after the president died in office (assassinated or otherwise) has never had a vice president during the remainder of that term.

*14 presidents were former vice presidents.

*Eight presidents did not attend college.

*The colonies switched from the Julian calendar to the Gregorian in 1752, making some of the presidents’ birthdates technically inaccurate.

*As of December, 2025, there have been 47 presidential terms though only 45 people have served, since Grover Cleveland and Donald Trump had two non-consecutive terms.

*The first woman to run for president was Victoria Woodhull in 1872, decades before women would be Constitutionally allowed to vote. She co-founded and ran for the Equal Rights Party, spent Election Night in jail, and was not on any national ballots. Read more of her story here.

*No president has been an only child. (FDR and Obama had half-siblings.)

*19 presidents have been Republican, 16 Democrat, four Whig, four Federalist, and one was unaffiliated with a political party.

What is the Electoral College and how does it work?

*Ballots from each state go to Electors, who cast official votes for president. They are not politicians but are chosen by political parties through a random yet complicated process that will not even be attempted to be explained here.

*The number of Electors in a state is equal to the state’s members of the House Of Representatives and the Senate combined.

*There are currently a total of 538 Electors, with 270 votes needed to obtain the presidency.

*If no candidate reaches 270 Electoral votes, the House decides the president while the Senate chooses the vice president.

*Electors meet the first Monday after the second Wednesday in December to cast separate votes for president and vice president, which have rarely gone outside party lines.

*An Elector who abstains or votes against the state’s popular choice is known as ‘faithless’. This happened in 2004 but is otherwise uncommon in recent history, with most of the 157 ‘faithless’ votes cast in the 1800s.

*The Electoral system was originally installed by Alexander Hamilton to safeguard against an unqualified person becoming president.

*Because of the Electoral College, the person with the most national popular votes does not necessarily win an election. These runners-up won the popular vote but lost their elections: Andrew Jackson lost to John Quincy Adams in 1824; Samuel Tilden lost to Rutherford B. Hayes in 1876; Grover Cleveland lost to Benjamin Harrison in 1888; Al Gore lost to George W. Bush in 2000; and Hillary Clinton lost to Donald Trump in 2016.

And now, the presidents…

1. George Washington (1789-1797)

“Be courteous to all but intimate with a few, and let those few be well-tried before you give them your confidence.”

February 22, 1732 (Popes Creek, VA) – December 14, 1799 (Mount Vernon, VA)

Vice President: John Adams

First Lady: Martha Dandridge

nickname: ‘The Father Of His Country’ because he was considered the best person to lead the newly-established United States

*only had a grade-school education

*ran unopposed without representing a political party

*only president to go into battle while serving

*birthday will never fall on Washington’s Birthday (a.k.a. Presidents’ Day) because the third Monday in February cannot be the 22^nd

*stories about him having wooden teeth and chopping down a cherry tree were invented by biographers

*still holds the highest military rank ever available- General of the Armies of the United States

*owned a whiskey distillery

*one of four presidents on South Dakota’s Mount Rushmore

*featured on the quarter and $1 bill

2. John Adams (Federalist; 1797-1801)

“No man who ever held the office of president would congratulate a friend on obtaining it.”

October 30, 1735 (Quincy, MA) – July 4, 1826 (Quincy, MA)

Vice President: Thomas Jefferson

First Lady: Abigail Smith

nickname: ‘Old Sink Or Swim’ for a speech in which he promised to sink or swim with his country

*main author of the Massachusetts Constitution, which framed the U.S. Constitution and is still in use today

*first president to live in the White House, then-called the President’s House

*defended British soldiers after the Boston Massacre out of respect for the law

*held no slaves but was against abolition for the sake of the country’s economy

*died exactly 50 years after the Constitution was adopted, the same day as his political enemy Thomas Jefferson, who was his vice president because, at the time, the election’s runner-up got that job

3. Thomas Jefferson (Democratic-Republican; 1801-1809)

“Nothing on Earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude.”

April 13, 1743 (Shadwell, VA) – July 4, 1826 (Monticello, VA)

Vice Presidents: Aaron Burr, George Clinton

First Lady: Martha Jefferson (daughter)

nickname: ‘The Sage Of Monticello’ because he was a wise person and Monticello (Italian for ‘little mountain’) was the name he gave to his estate, though the motive for that is unknown

*main author of the Declaration Of Independence

*wife Martha died before his presidency

*responsible for the Louisiana Purchase

*hated public speaking and only gave the two inaugural addresses during his terms

*Aaron Burr shot and killed Alexander Hamilton in a duel

*sold around 6,700 books to the Library Of Congress after the British burned it down during the War Of 1812

*died exactly 50 years after the Constitution was adopted, the same day as his political enemy John Adams

*one of four presidents on South Dakota’s Mount Rushmore

*featured on the nickel and $2 bill

4. James Madison (Democratic-Republican; 1809-1817)

“The advancement and diffusion of knowledge is the only guardian of true liberty.”

March 16, 1751 (Port Conway, VA) – June 28, 1836 (Montpelier, VA)

Vice Presidents: George Clinton, Elbridge Gerry (“Gerrymandering”)

First Lady: Dolley Payne

nickname: ‘Father Of The Constitution’ for drafting the bulk of that document

*wrote the first draft for the Bill Of Rights and most of the Constitution

*served during the War Of 1812

*both vice presidents died in office (from natural causes)

*smallest president at 5’4” and a maximum of 100 pounds

*he and Dolley loved ice cream and she was the namesake for the Dolly Madison ice cream company

*featured on the $5,000 bill

5. James Monroe (Democratic-Republican; 1817-1825)

“It is better to spread trust all around than to hand out money.”

April 28, 1758 (Monroe Hall, VA) – July 4, 1831 (New York, NY)

Vice President: Daniel D. Tompkins

First Lady: Elizabeth Kortright

nickname: ‘The Last Cocked Hat’ because he was the last president to wear a traditional tricorn hat, considered ‘old fashioned’ in the 1800s

*oversaw the Era Of Good Feelings, a period of national pride following the War Of 1812

*the Missouri Compromise of 1820 allowed Missouri into the U.S. as a slave state and Maine as a free one

*ran for 2^nd term unopposed

*the capital of the African country Liberia was named Monrovia in his honor because he was a big supporter of its American colonization

*he is holding the flag behind George Washington in the famous painting Washington Crossing The Delaware by Emanuel Leutze

*died exactly five years after Adams and Jefferson

6. John Quincy Adams (Democratic-Republican; 1825-1829)

“Try and fail, but don’t fail to try.”

July 11, 1767 (Quincy, MA) – February 23, 1848 (Washington, D.C.)

Vice President: John C. Calhoun

First Lady: Louisa Johnson

nickname: ‘The Abolitionist’ for using his political and law platforms to actively campaign against slavery

*son of John Adams

*primarily responsible for the Monroe Doctrine, which warned European countries against attacking the United States

*can be thanked (or blamed) for acquiring Florida

*first president to be photographed

*fond of skinny-dipping in the Potomac River

*kept a pet alligator in the White House for several months

*only former president elected to the House Of Representatives

7. Andrew Jackson (Democrat; 1829-1837)

“Any man worth his salt will stick up for what he believes right, but it takes a slightly better man to acknowledge instantly and without reservation that he is in error.”

March 15, 1767 (Waxhaws region of the Carolinas) – June 8, 1845 (Nashville, TN)

Vice Presidents: John C. Calhoun, Martin van Buren

First Ladies: Emily Donelson (niece); Sarah Yorke (daughter-in-law)

nickname: ‘Old Hickory’ because soldiers under his command described him being as tough as old hickory, a type of durable wood

*born on land shared by North and South Carolina so his official birth state is unknown

*only president to have killed at least one man during a duel, which he was reportedly in over 100 of

*wife Emily died before election from a heart attack allegedly brought on by stress from the campaign

*critics called him a jackass, which he embraced and made the symbol of the Democratic Party

*first president to face an assassination attempt

*led campaigns against Native Americans but adopted a child from the Creek tribe

*featured on the $20 bill (until 2028, when Susan B. Anthony will be the face of it)

8. Martin van Buren (Democrat; 1837-1841)

“Railroad carriages are pulled at the enormous speed of fifteen miles per hour … The Almighty certainly never intended that people should travel at such break-neck speed.”

December 5, 1782 (Kinderhook, NY) – July 24, 1862 (Kinderhook, NY)

Vice President: Richard M. Johnson

First Lady: Sarah Singleton (daughter-in-law)

nickname: ‘Old Kinderhook’ for his hometown, which gave us the expression ‘OK’

*first president officially born in the United States, as opposed to the colonies

*first language was Dutch

*wife Hannah (his first cousin, once removed) died from tuberculosis before his presidency

*autobiography did not mention presidency nor Hannah

9. William Henry Harrison (Whig; 1841)

“The liberties of a people depend on their own constant attention to its preservation.”

February 9, 1773 (Berkeley Plantation, VA) – April 4, 1841 (Washington, D.C.)

Vice President: John Tyler

First Ladies: Anna Symmes, Jane Irwin (daughter-in-law)

nickname: ‘Old Tippecanoe’ for leading Americans to victory over the Shawnee tribe at the Battle of Tippecanoe

*longest inauguration speech (90 minutes), which was given outside during a snowstorm

*Anna could not act as First Lady due to illness so Jane took over

*led battles against Native Americans and the British

*first president to die in office- 33 days into term, likely from pneumonia caused by his inauguration speech, which resulted in the shortest-ever presidency

10. John Tyler (Whig, unaffiliated; 1841-1845)

“Here lies the body of my good horse, The General. For years, he bore me around the circuit of my practice and all that time he never made a blunder. Would that his master could say the same.”

March 29, 1790 (Charles City, VA) – January 18, 1862 (Richmond, VA)

Vice President: [none]

First Ladies: Letitia Christian, Elizabeth Cooper (daughter-in-law), Julia Gardiner (remarried)

nickname: ‘His Accidency’ because he obtained the presidency only because Harrison died

*born in same county as William Henry Harrison

*helped establish the order of presidential succession (President, VP, Speaker Of The House, etc.)

*was accused of overusing his veto power and was therefore the first president to face impeachment

*Letitia was the first First Lady to die during a presidency (stroke)

*disowned by the Whig Party because of conflicting political ideas

*had 15 kids, the most by any president

*often named the least-popular president

11. James Knox Polk (Democrat; 1845-1849)

“Thank God, under our Constitution there was no connection between church and state.”

November 2, 1795 (Pineville, NC) – June 15, 1849 (Nashville, TN)

Vice President: George M. Dallas

First Lady: Sarah Childress

nickname: ‘Young Hickory’ for being a protégé of Andrew Jackson, a.k.a. Old Hickory

*nominated as a ‘dark horse’ since his party could not decide between two other candidates

*president during the Mexican-American War

*expanded the United States to the Pacific Ocean

*his administration introduced the postage stamp

*Sarah banned liquor and dancing from the White House

*on the TV show Married… with Children, Al Bundy went to Polk High School and scored four touchdowns in one game

12. Zachary Taylor (Whig; 1849-1850)

“A strong reputation is like a good bonfire. When you have one kindled, it’s easy to keep the flame burning, even if someone comes along and tries to piss on it. But if you fall asleep and neglect it, you’ll wake up with ashes.”

November 24, 1784 (Barboursville, VA) – July 9, 1850 (Washington, D.C.)

Vice President: Millard Fillmore

First Lady: Margaret Smith

nickname: ‘Old Rough And Ready’ for fighting alongside the men he commanded in the military

*did not go to college and had no political experience

*officially nominated without his knowledge

*slave owner who was politically neither for nor against slavery

*hesitant father-in-law of Jefferson Davis, eventual president of the Confederacy

*James Madison’s second cousin

*had a beloved war horse named Old Whitey and a circus pony called Apollo

*died 16 months into term from flu or cholera

13. Millard Fillmore (Whig; 1850-1853)

“It is not strange to mistake change for progress and the invasion of the rights of others for national prowess and glory.”

January 7, 1800 (Moravia, NY) – March 8, 1874 (Buffalo, NY)

Vice President: [none]

First Lady: Abigail Powers

nickname: ‘Wool Carder’, after spending time in his youth preparing wool for production

*first president born in the 1800s

*oversaw the beginning of official trade with Japan

*last president to represent the Whig party

*considered an “uninspiring” president by many, including the White House’s website

14. Franklin Pierce (Democrat; 1853-1857)

"While men inhabiting different parts of this vast continent cannot be expected to hold the same opinions, they can unite in a common objective and sustain common principles."

November 23, 1804 (Hillsborough, NH) – October 8, 1869 (Concord, NH)

Vice Presidents: William R. King, [none]

First Lady: Jane Appleton

nickname: ‘Handsome Frank’ for being, well, handsome

*supported slavery and legislation that promoted it

*completed the Gadsden Purchase, obtaining land that is now Arizona and New Mexico

*King died from tuberculosis 45 days into term

*struggled with alcoholism and died from liver failure

*many historians consider him forgettable and even a traitor because of his stance on slavery

15. James Buchanan (Democrat; 1857-1861)

“All the friends that I loved and wanted to reward are dead, and all the enemies that I hated and marked out for punishment are turned to my friends.”

April 23, 1791 (Cove Gap, PA) – June 1, 1868 (Lancaster, PA)

Vice President: John C. Breckinridge

First Lady: Harriet Lane (niece)

nickname: ‘Old Buck’ was a shortened form of his surname

*only president who never married

*backed the Supreme Court’s ruling that slavery was Constitutional and the South’s right to secede from the Union

*supported Abraham Lincoln during the Civil War

*bought slaves just to free them in the North, for political reasons instead of morality

*(many contradictions with this fellow)

16. Abraham Lincoln (Republican; 1861-1865)

“I don’t like that man. I must get to know him better.”

February 12, 1809 (Hodgenville, KY) – April 15, 1865 (Washington, D.C.)

Vice Presidents: Hannibal Hamlin, Andrew Johnson

First Lady: Mary Todd

nickname: ‘Honest Abe’ for working hard to attain a truthful reputation

*first Republican president

*president during the Civil War

*author and speaker of the Emancipation Proclamation and the Gettysburg Address (also, a ‘score’ is equal to 20 years; 4 score + 7 = 87)

*created the Secret Service to tackle currency counterfeiting

*tallest president at 6’4”

*used the now-called Lincoln Bedroom as an office and never slept in it

*was an accomplished wrestler and is in the Wrestling Hall Of Fame in Stillwater, OK

*reportedly hated being called Abe

*assassinated at Ford’s Theatre in Washington DC on Good Friday in the second month of his second term by actor and Confederate sympathizer John Wilkes Booth

*assassination was planned after a failed kidnapping attempt and included a plot to kill Lincoln’s successors as well

*Booth’s brother Edwin once saved Lincoln’s son Robert from an oncoming train

*first president to be murdered while in office

*one of four presidents on South Dakota’s Mount Rushmore

*featured on the penny and $5 bill

17. Andrew Johnson (Democrat; 1865-1869)

“If blacks were given the right to vote, that would place every splay-footed, bandy-shanked, hump-backed, thick-lipped, flat-nosed, woolly-headed, ebon-colored in the country upon an equality with the poor white man.”

December 29, 1808 (Raleigh, NC) – July 31, 1875 (Elizabethton, TN)

Vice President: [none]

First Lady: Eliza McCardle

nickname: ‘The Tennessee Tailor’ for working as a tailor before entering politics

*ran with Lincoln on the National Union ticket, a political party supported by Republicans and War Democrats, who had backed the Civil War

*impeached (but not removed from office) for firing his congressionally-approved Secretary Of War

*bought Alaska from the Russian Empire for $7.2 million in gold

*made his own suits

*despite the quote above, African American males were given the (limited) vote during his administration

*though not Johnson’s responsibility, his term saw the birth of the Ku Klux Klan

18. Hiram Ulysses Grant (Republican; 1869-1877)

“The most confident critics are generally those who know the least about the matter criticized.”

April 27, 1822 (Point Pleasant, OH) – July 23, 1885 (Wilton, NY)

Vice Presidents: Schuyler Colfax, Henry Wilson

First Lady: Julia Dent

nickname: ‘Unconditional Surrender Grant’ because he demanded that in the South’s concession of the Civil War

*better known as Ulysses S. Grant, the S. was mistakenly added at West Point Military Academy and could not be legally removed

*declined Lincoln’s invitation to see the show at Ford’s Theatre the night of the assassination

*ran for a third term since a limit wasn’t ratified until 1951 by the 22^nd Amendment

*made laws against the Ku Klux Klan and effectively drove them underground for decades

*wrote Robert E. Lee’s terms of Civil War surrender and made them generous in hopes of reuniting the country

*declared Christmas a national holiday to unify the North and South

*smoked cigars and died of throat cancer

*buried in North America’s largest tomb

*featured on the $50 bill

19. Rutherford Birchard Hayes (Republican; 1877-1881)

“Every expert was once a beginner.”

October 4, 1822 (Delaware, OH) – January 17, 1893 (Fremont, OH)

Vice President: William A. Wheeler

First Lady: Lucy Webb

nickname: ‘Rutherfraud’ because his presidential victory was highly disputed

*wounded while fighting in the Civil War

*won the presidency by one Electoral vote

*signed a law allowing women to argue before the Supreme Court

*Lucy received America’s first Siamese cat as a gift

*first president to use the telephone and typewriter , and to visit the west coast

*began the tradition of having Easter celebrations on the White House lawn

20. James Abram Garfield (Republican; 1881)

“I love agitation and investigation and glory in defending unpopular truth against popular error.”

November 19, 1831 (Moreland Hills, OH) – September 19, 1881 (Elberon, NJ)

Vice President: Chester A. Arthur

First Lady: Lucretia Rudolph

nickname: ‘Preacher President’ because he was an ordained minister

*fought in the Civil War until Lincoln asked him to focus on politics instead

*nominated because the Republican party could not decide between other candidates

*was ambidextrous (used both hands) and a linguist, fluent in English, German, Latin, and Greek

*shot four months into his term by Charles Guiteau, a former supporter who felt Garfield owed him a government position, who was mentally disturbed and saw the act as a necessity to save the country

*survived another 2.5 months but succumbed to blood poisoning due to sub-par medical treatment

21. Chester Alan Arthur (Republican; 1881-1885)

“There doesn’t seem anything else for an ex-president to do but to go into the country and raise big pumpkins.”

October 5, 1829 (Fairfield, VT) – November 18, 1886 (New York, NY)

Vice President: [none]

First Lady: Mary McElroy (sister)

nickname: ‘Gentleman Boss’ for his stylish attire and demeanor

*part of a law firm that helped integrate streetcars in New York City

*faced untrue allegations he was born outside of the U.S.

*wife Nell died from pneumonia before his presidency

22. Stephen Grover Cleveland (Democrat; 1885-1889)

“The ship of Democracy, which has weathered all storms, may sink through the mutiny of those aboard.”

March 18, 1837 (Caldwell, NJ) – June 24, 1908 (Princeton, NJ)

Vice Presidents: Thomas A. Hendricks, [none]

First Ladies: Rose Cleveland (sister), Frances Folsom

nickname: ‘His Obstinacy’ for stubbornly vetoing 414 bills while in office, the most ever until FDR’s administration

*hanged two men as Sheriff of Erie County, New York

*only president married in the White House

*Hendricks died unexpectedly in his sleep ten months into the term

*distant relative of Moses Cleaveland (spelled that way), the namesake of Cleveland, Ohio

*the creator of the Baby Ruth candy bar wanted to avoid paying royalties to Babe Ruth so he claimed it was named for Cleveland’s daughter

*featured on the $1,000 bill

23. Benjamin Harrison (Republican; 1889-1893)

“We Americans have no commission from God to police the world.”

August 23, 1833 (North Bend, OH) – March 13, 1901 (Indianapolis, IN)

Vice President: Levi P. Morton

First Ladies: Caroline Scott, Mary Harrison (daughter)

nickname: ‘The Human Iceberg’ for having a cold attitude when speaking privately

*grandson of William Henry Harrison

*commanded several brigades in battle during the Civil War

*first president to use electricity in the White House and to have his voice recorded

*signed the Land Revision Act, which paved the way for national parks to be established

*Caroline died from tuberculosis during presidency

*re-married to Caroline’s niece, Mary Dimmick

*last president to have a beard

24. Stephen Grover Cleveland (Democrat; 1893-1897)

Vice President (2^nd term): Adlai Stevenson

First Lady: Frances Folsom

*first separate-term president (he lost the previous election)

25. William McKinley (Republican; 1897-1901)

“War should never be entered upon until every agency of peace has failed.”

January 29, 1843 (Niles, OH) – September 14, 1901 (Buffalo, NY)

Vice Presidents: Garret Hobart, Theodore Roosevelt

First Lady: Ida Saxton

nickname: ‘The Idol Of Ohio’ for making Ohio proud with his political success

*president during the Spanish-American War

*North America’s highest mountain was controversially named for him, but is called Denali to reflect local native Alaskans

*annexed Hawaii for U.S. territory, despite opposition

*assassinated six months into second term by anarchist Leon Czolgosz, who thought McKinley was corrupt

*featured on the $500 bill

26. Theodore Roosevelt (Republican; 1901-1909)

“Speak softly and carry a big stick.”

October 27, 1858 (New York, NY) – January 6, 1919 (Oyster Bay, NY)

Vice President: Charles W. Fairbanks

First Lady: Edith Carow

nickname: ‘Bull Moose’ because Roosevelt described himself as such after losing a third Republican nomination and switching to the Progressive Party

*youngest president at 42 years of age

*first president to win a Nobel Peace Prize (for bridging peace between Japan and Russia)

*oversaw the building (but not conclusion) of the Panama Canal and was the first sitting president to leave the U.S. when he visited the area

*organized and led the Rough Riders during battles of the Spanish-American War in Cuba

*avid outdoorsman who climbed the Matterhorn in Switzerland

*founded Yellowstone, the world’s first national park

*mother Martha and first wife Alice both died on Valentine’s Day in 1884

*Teddy bears were named for him because he once refused to shoot an injured bear that was tied to a tree for him; he gave permission despite hating the nickname Teddy

*one of four presidents on South Dakota’s Mount Rushmore

27. William Howard Taft (Republican; 1909-1913)

“Don’t write so that you can be understood. Write so that you can’t be misunderstood.”

September 15, 1857 (Cincinnati, OH) – March 8, 1930 (Washington, D.C.)

Vice Presidents: James S. Sherman, [none]

First Lady: Helen Herron

nickname: ‘Big Bill’ for his large size

*governor of American-occupied Philippines

*heaviest president; possibly topping 350 pounds but losing 70 after his term

*had a large bathtub installed at the White House but there is no evidence he ever got stuck in it

*rejected two Supreme Court nominations but eventually became Chief Justice and the only person to hold both that title and President

*Sherman died from Bright’s disease (a kidney condition)

*began the tradition of the president pitching a ball before Major League Baseball’s opening game

*last president with facial hair (moustache)

*like Roosevelt, had a stuffed animal named for him- the Billy Possum

28. Thomas Woodrow Wilson (Democrat; 1913-1921)

“If you want to make enemies, try to change something.”

December 28, 1856 (Staunton, VA) – February 3, 1924 (Washington, D.C.)

Vice President: Thomas R. Marshall

First Ladies: Ellen Axson, Margaret Wilson (daughter), Edith Bolling (re-married)

nickname: ‘The Schoolmaster’ due to his glasses and tendency to lecture people

*president of Princeton University (his alma mater) in New Jersey (where he was governor)

*won the presidency partly because Roosevelt created his own branch of the Republican party

*won the Nobel Peace Prize for organizing the League Of Nations, predecessor of the United Nations

*spoke in support of segregation, stunted African American societal progress, and is partly responsible for the resurgence of the Ku Klux Klan

*held the first presidential press conference, in 1913

*Prohibition began under his presidency, in 1920

*president during World War 1 (remember that by focusing on all the Ws)

*Ellen died from Bright’s disease during presidency

*gave the first live national radio broadcast in 1923

*only president buried in Washington, D.C.

29. Warren Gamaliel Harding (Republican; 1921-1923)

“I am not fit for this office and should never have been here.”

November 2, 1865 (Blooming Grove, OH) – August 2, 1923 (San Francisco, CA)

Vice President: Calvin Coolidge

First Lady: Florence Kling

nickname: ‘Wobbly Warren’ for being undecided and/or changing his stance on many issues

*won presidency by the largest margin since the 1820s, 26.2%, possibly because it was women’s first election

*signed the Budget & Accounting Act, which allowed for closer watch over government spending

*like many politicians, supported Prohibition but was a known drinker

*first president to own a radio

*only child was from an affair

*put friends in powerful positions (nepotism), leading to many scandals, including an infamous one where his Secretary Of The Interior illegally sold oil reserves in Teapot Dome, Wyoming

*died from a heart attack less than two years into his term, though a theory claims his wife poisoned him

30. John Calvin Coolidge (Republican; 1923-1929)

“Silence can never be misquoted.”

July 4, 1872 (Plymouth, VT) – January 5, 1933 (Northampton, MA)

Vice President: Charles G. Dawes

First Lady: Grace Goodhue

nickname: ‘Silent Cal’ for his calm and often quiet mannerisms

*sworn in by his father, a notary, while on vacation

*known for a reserved demeanor, his campaign slogan was ‘Keep Cool With Coolidge’

*opposed Prohibition at first then supported it for political reasons

*reduced taxes constantly so only 2% of the population paid income tax by the end of his presidency

*signed the Indian Citizenship Act in 1924, granting citizenship to Native Americans

*installed a mechanical horse in the White House and used it for exercise after it was deemed riding actual horses was too dangerous for a president

*entertained himself by calling White House workers into his office then hiding

*led the U.S. during most of the Roaring Twenties but blamed himself for not doing enough to avoid the Great Depression, which started a few months after his presidency

31. Herbert Clark Hoover (Republican; 1929-1933)

“No one can catch a fish with anger.”

August 10, 1874 (West Branch, IA) – October 20, 1964 (New York, NY)

Vice President: Charles Curtis

First Lady: Lou Henry

nickname: ‘The Great Engineer’ because he worked as a civil engineer and helped save many people with his work, notably along the Mississippi River when it overflowed in 1927

*the presidency was his first election victory (appointed to previous government positions)

*saw the U.S. through the Great Depression, the stock market crash that had negative impacts on economies worldwide

*featured in the first American television broadcast, in 1927 (before presidency)

*nominated five times for the Nobel Peace Prize but never won

*spoke conversational Mandarin Chinese

*was not invited by FDR’s administration to the dedication of the Boulder Dam, which was renamed the Hoover Dam by Truman

32. Franklin Delano Roosevelt (Democrat; 1933-1945)

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”

January 30, 1882 (Hyde Park, NY) – April 12, 1945 (Warm Springs, GA)

Vice Presidents: John Garner, Henry Wallace, Harry Truman

First Lady: Anna Eleanor Roosevelt

nickname: ‘FDR’ for his initials

*president during World War 2

*only president elected to four terms

*won each election by a landslide of Electoral votes

*introduced the New Deal to recover from the Great Depression

*pushed for and ultimately saw the end of Prohibition

*sanctioned Japanese-American internment after the attack on Pearl Harbor

*first sitting president to appear on television and to fly in an airplane

*fifth cousin of Theodore Roosevelt, whose niece he married

*kept his 1921 Polio diagnosis from the public during his presidency

*featured on the dime

33. Harry S Truman (Democrat; 1945-1953)

“It’s amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit.”

May 8, 1884 (Lamar, MO) – December 26, 1972 (Kansas City, MO)

Vice President: Alben W. Barkley

First Lady: Elizabeth “Bess” Wallace

nickname: ‘Give ‘Em Hell Harry’, which was his campaign slogan

*legal name was Harry, not Harold

*his parents couldn’t decide which grandfather to honor- Solomon or Shipp- so his middle name is simply S

*gave the order to drop atomic bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki

*heavy underdog to win a second term against Thomas Dewey, which resulted in newspapers prematurely printing DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN, shown in a famous picture of Truman holding a paper after his victory

*made popular the phrase The Buck Stops Here, which was on a sign on his desk and meant he would not defer responsibility, or ‘pass the buck’, a saying with roots in poker games

*introduced presidential term limits via the 22^nd Amendment

*co-created the North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO), a collective of 30 countries to protect each other from hostile forces, namely the Soviet Union (at the time)

*began the tradition of Thanksgiving Turkey Presentation at the White House, though the idea of ‘pardoning’ a turkey wouldn’t come for decades

34. Dwight David Eisenhower (Republican; 1953-1961)

“If you want total security, go to prison.”

October 14, 1890 (Denison, TX) – March 28, 1969 (Washington, D.C.)

Vice President: Richard Nixon

First Lady: Mamie Doud

nickname: ‘Ike’, a family nickname made popular by his campaign slogan ‘I Like Ike’

*birth name was David Dwight but his mother reversed the names to avoid confusion with his father, also David Dwight

*served in the military during both World Wars but never saw active combat

*Democrats and Republicans both wanted him as their candidate

*president during the Korean War

*first president to ride in a helicopter

*presidential retreat in Maryland was renamed from Shangri La to Camp David, after his grandson

*Alaska and Hawaii became states during his presidency

*signed a bill in 1958 to create NASA, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration

35. John Fitzgerald Kennedy (Democrat; 1961-1963)

“Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.” (paraphrase of a Warren G. Harding quote)

May 29^th, 1917 (Brookline, MA) – November 22^nd, 1963 (Dallas, TX)

Vice President: Lyndon B. Johnson

First Lady: Jacqueline Bouvier

nickname: ‘JFK’ for his initials

*at 43, youngest person to be elected president (Theodore Roosevelt was younger but succeeded to the presidency after McKinley was killed)

*president at the beginning of the “space race” and guaranteed Americans would land on the Moon before 1970 (without a plan in place)

*only president to win a Pulitzer Prize, though how much of Profiles In Courage he actually wrote is disputed

*only president to receive a Purple Heart, for being injured in battle during World War 2

*only president to appoint a sibling (his brother Robert) to a cabinet position (Attorney General)

*donated his presidential salary to charities

*famously sung to by Marilyn Monroe during his 45^th birthday party / campaign fundraiser

*assassinated in November of 1963 in Dallas, Texas, by Lee Harvey Oswald, a former Marine sharpshooter who defected to the Soviet Union because he opposed the U.S. and Capitalism, not Kennedy himself

*targeted for assassination at least three times before the successful attempt

36. Lyndon Baines Johnson (Democrat; 1963-1969)

“Until justice is blind to color, until education is unaware of race, until opportunity is unconcerned with the color of men’s skin, emancipation will be a proclamation but not a fact.”

August 27, 1908 (Stonewall, TX) – January 22, 1973 (Stonewall, TX)

Vice President: Hubert Humphrey

First Lady: Claudia “Lady Bird” Taylor

nicknames: ‘LBJ’ for his initials

*first president born in the 1900s

*inadvertently avoided death in World War 2 because he boarded the wrong airplane

*took his oath of office aboard Air Force One

*oversaw the creation of Medicare and Medicaid

*authorized the U.S. to enter the Vietnam War, known there as the American War

*eco-friendly man who would shut off unnecessary lights and lamps around the White House

*’Lady Bird’ was a nickname from childhood

*owned dogs named Him and Her

37. Richard Milhous Nixon (Republican; 1969-1974)

“I am not a crook.”

January 9, 1913 (Yorba Linda, CA) – April 22, 1994 (New York, NY)

Vice Presidents: Spiro Agnew, Gerald Ford

First Lady: Thelma “Pat” Ryan

nickname: ‘Tricky Dick’ for using underhanded tactics, even before Watergate

*Milhous was his mother’s maiden name

*renounced his Quaker faith to join the Navy in World War 2 (Quakers are pacifists)

*signed the Paris Peace Accords in 1973, ending U.S. involvement in the Vietnam War

*established the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA)

*initiated the War On Drugs to combat America’s drug problems

*mandated year-round daylight saving time to conserve fuel during an energy crisis but the idea was abandoned because people didn’t like children waiting for morning school buses in the dark

*installed a bowling alley in the White House and reportedly averaged a score of 232

*several people within his administration were caught breaking into rooms at the Watergate Hotel in Washington, D.C., hoping to get information about Nixon’s political opponents

*never officially implicated in the Watergate scandal but was suspected of trying to cover it up and co-conspirators confessed Nixon secretly taped meetings in the Oval Office, which was illegal

*only president to resign from office, which he did before he would likely have been impeached and removed for obstruction of justice and other serious charges

38. Gerald Rudolph Ford (Republican; 1974-1977)

“Tell the truth, work hard, and come to dinner on time.”

July 14, 1913 (Omaha, NE) – December 26, 2006 (Rancho Mirage, CA)

Vice President: Nelson Rockefeller

First Lady: Elizabeth “Betty” Bloomer

nickname: ‘Mister Nice Guy’ for his clean-cut image and personable character

*born Leslie Lynch King, Jr. but renamed for his stepfather

*football player who turned down two NFL offers

*won 13 straight congressional campaigns

*never elected to high office- ascended to vice presidency when Agnew resigned then president when Nixon resigned; he ran in 1976 but lost

*target of two assassination attempts, both in 1975 by women, including a disciple of Charles Manson

*Betty was named Time’s Woman Of The Year in 1975 and is the namesake of a famous drug rehabilitation clinic

*controversially pardoned Nixon from any charges resulting from Watergate in an attempt to let the country move on from the scandal, though alternate, nefarious reasons have been suggested

39. James Earl Carter, Jr. (Democrat; 1977-1981)

“The measure of a society is found in how they treat their weakest and most helpless citizens.”

October 1, 1924 (Plains, GA)

Vice President: Walter Mondale

First Lady: Eleanor Rosalynn Smith

nickname: ‘The Peanut Farmer’ because of his previous occupation

*resigned from the military to save his family’s peanut farm

*went by ‘Jimmy’, making him the first president to use his nickname in an official way

*sold the presidential yacht to show he was “equal” to the general public

*only president to be interviewed by Playboy Magazine

*created the Department of Energy

*had solar panels installed on the White House roof

*an early promoter of Habitat For Humanity

*won the Nobel Peace Prize in 2002 for advancing democracy and human rights

40. Ronald Wilson Reagan (Republican; 1981-1989)

“It’s hard, when you’re up to your armpits in alligators, to remember you came here to drain the swamp.”

February 6, 1911 (Tampico, IL) – June 5, 2004 (Los Angeles, CA)

Vice President: George H.W. Bush

First Lady: Nancy Davis

nickname: ‘The Gipper’ for playing George ‘The Gipper’ Gipp in the 1940 film Knute Rockne, All American

*sports broadcaster and actor in over 50 films and television episodes before getting into politics

*first president to be divorced before election

*heavily promoted Nixon’s War On Drugs

*appointed the first female to the Supreme Court- Sandra Day O’Connor

*loved jelly beans and was sent free shipments of them throughout his presidency

*shot by John Hinckley, a mentally-disturbed man who was trying to impress actress Jodie Foster, whom he thought he had a relationship with

*Hinckley’s bullet missed Reagan but ricocheted off the presidential limousine’s bulletproof glass to hit him in the chest, which is a nice example of irony

41. George Herbert Walker Bush (Republican; 1989-1993)

“I have opinions of my own … but I don’t always agree with them.”

June 12, 1924 (Milton, MA) – November 30, 2018 (Houston, TX)

Vice President: Dan Quayle

First Lady: Barbara Pierce

nickname: ‘Poppy’, what his family called him

*joined the Navy instead of attending Yale, but eventually went to the university

*former director of the CIA

*first sitting vice president to be elected president since 1836

*president during the first Gulf War, after Iraq invaded Kuwait for oil in 1990

*first president to officially “pardon” a turkey from being eaten on Thanksgiving

*the Japanese word ‘bushusuru’ was coined after he publicly vomited on Prime Minister Kiichi Miyazawa, likely caused by food poisoning

*celebrated 75^th­_, 80^th, 85^th, and 90^th birthdays by skydiving

42. William Jefferson Clinton (Democrat; 1993-2001)

“The road to tyranny, we must never forget, begins with the destruction of truth.”

August 19, 1946 (Hope, AR)

Vice President: Al Gore

First Lady: Hillary Rodham

nickname: ‘Bubba’, a common moniker for Southerners

*born with the last name Blythe for his father he’d never met; legally changed to Clinton after his mother remarried

*played saxophone, notably on Arsenio Hall’s talk show while campaigning for president

*signed the North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA), which permits tax-free trading between the U.S., Canada, and Mexico

*successfully balanced the budget

*third president to be impeached but not ousted, for lying to Congress under oath about his affair with White House intern Monica Lewinsky and for obstructing justice

*nominated for four Grammys and won two- narrating on a children’s album called Peter And The Wolf & Wolf Tracks and his audio autobiography

43. George Walker Bush (Republican; 2001-2009)

“I don’t worry about long-term history. I won’t be around to read it.”

July 6, 1946 (New Haven, CT)

Vice President: Dick Cheney

First Lady: Laura Welch

nickname: ‘Dubya’ because of the quick, Southern way he pronounced his middle initial

*son of George H. W. Bush, making him the second son of a president to be president (Adams)

*former governor of Texas; his brother Jeb was governor of Florida

*co-owned the Texas Rangers baseball team from 1989-1998

*president during the September 11, 2001, attacks on the World Trade Center

*signed the Patriot Act to detect and deter terrorism

*established the Department Of Homeland Security

*oversaw the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression, brought on by the costs of war and excessive tax cuts

*began the second Gulf War with Iraq, claiming they were hiding weapons of mass destruction

*only president to attain an MBA degree (master of business administration, from Harvard)

*only president to run a marathon (in 1993, with a time of 3:44:52)

44. Barack Hussein Obama (Democrat; 2009-2017)

“When ignorant folks want to advertise their ignorance, you don’t really have to do anything. You just let them talk.”

August 4, 1961 (Honolulu, HI)

Vice President: Joe Biden

First Lady: Michelle Robinson

nickname: ‘No Drama Obama’ for his relaxed demeanor

*first name means ‘blessed one’ in Swahili

*only president born outside the continental United States (Hawai’i)

*moved to Indonesia at 6 years old but left at 10 for safety reasons

*first president with direct African ancestry (father was born in Kenya)

*first sitting president to visit the Arctic Circle and a federal prison (on separate occasions)

*awarded the Nobel Peace Prize in 2009 for his efforts toward international diplomacy

*winner of two Grammys, both for spoken word albums

*named Time magazine’s Person Of The Year in 2008 and 2012

*ordered the military operation that killed Osama Bin Laden

45. Donald John Trump (Republican; 2017-2021)

“Leaders- true leaders- take responsibility for the success of the team and understand that they must also take responsibility for the failure.”

June 14, 1946 (New York, NY)

Vice President: Mike Pence

First Lady: Melanija Knavs

nickname: ‘The Donald’, because his first wife referred to him by it, or a mafia boss (a.k.a. The Don)

*established the Trump Foundation in 1987 to donate profits from his book sales to charity

*former host of The Apprentice, a television show in which people competed to work for him

*first considered running for president going into the 2000 election

*‘Make America Great Again’, his first campaign slogan, was also used by Ronald Reagan during his run against Jimmy Carter

*first president to be impeached twice; first for abuse of power and obstruction of Congress, second for incitement of insurrection

*was not removed from office because of impeachments

*has five children with three women

*owner of the Miss Universe, Miss America, and Miss Teen USA pageants from 1996-2015

*had cameos in the films Home Alone 2: Lost In New York and Zoolander

46. Joseph Robinette Biden, Junior (Democrat; 2021-2025)

“Leadership, at its core, in my view, is about being personal.”

November 20, 1942 (Scranton, PA)

Vice President: Kamala Harris

First Lady: Dr. Jill Jacobs

nickname: ‘Amtrak Joe’ from early in his career when he would frequently commute to and from Washington, D.C., by train, taking at least 75 minutes each way

*former senator from Delaware; first elected in 1972 at age 29

*first ran for president in 1988 but quit after parts of a speech were found to be plagiarized

*was responsible for the controversial Violent Crime Control & Law Enforcement Act in 1994, which reduced crime but resulted in a disproportionate number of minorities going to jail

*overcame a childhood stutter

*does not drink alcohol but is quite fond of chocolate chip ice cream

*first wife Neilia and their one-year-old daughter Naomi died in a car crash in 1972

*son Beau (with Neilia) died from brain cancer in 2015

*awarded the Presidential Medal Of Freedom in 2017

*oldest elected president at 78

47. Donald John Trump (Republican; 2025-20??)

Vice President (2^nd term): J.D. Vance
First Lady: Melanija Knavs
*second separate-term president, having lost the previous election (though he claims it was rigged)

SOURCES

history.com, azquotes.com, biography.com, google.com, wikipedia.org, mentalfloss.com, thoughtco.com, constitutioncenter.org, cnn.com, facts.net, presidentsusa.net, constitutionfacts.com, The Presidents Before Washington exhibit in Annapolis, Maryland