A Gothic Newsletter

A Gothic Newsletter
by Rob Cottignies

Let it be known that I did not write this newsletter. The version I found was said to be written by Saint Mary's Church in Colorado Springs, USA.

This writing is somewhat extreme and can be applied to only a small amount of people but I think it's worth sharing for more than its comedic value.

I've included the original text followed by my little rebuttals [in brackets].

Enjoy!

If Your Child is a Gothic, Reform Through the Lord!

Listed below are some warning signs to indicate if your child may have gone astray from the Lord. Gothic (or goth) is a very obscure and often dangerous culture that young teenagers are prone to participating in. The gothic culture leads young, susceptible minds into an imagined world of evil, darkness, and violence. Please seek immediate attention through counseling, prayer, and parental guidance to rid your child of Satan's temptations if five or more of the following are applicable to your child:
[Who decided on 5 being the minimum number of 'signs' to qualify as a Gothic?]

-Frequently wears black clothing.
[Priests and nuns are Gothics.]

-Wears band and/or rock t-shirts.
[What about Christian rock bands, such as Stryper?]

-Wears excessive black eye makeup, lipstick or nail polish.
[Maybe that’s the new fashion trend. Ask someone who knows about that kind of thing.]

-Wears any odd, silver jewelry or symbols. Some of these include: reversed crosses, pentagrams, pentacles, ankhs or various other Satanic worshipping symbols.
[“Reversed” crosses are actually Christian symbols, introduced by Saint Peter when he said he wasn’t worthy of being crucified in the same way as Jesus. The pentagram (star) and pentacle (star with circle around it) are used in Wiccan ceremonies to invoke tree goblins or whatever they do. Ankhs were hieroglyphic symbols used in ancient Egypt to promote enduring life.]

-Shows an interest in piercings or tattoos.
[Leviticus 19:28 specifically forbids tattoos. Ever see a cross or rosary inked on someone?]

-Listens to gothic or any other anti-social genres of music. (Marilyn Manson claims to be the anti-Christ, and publicly speaks against the Lord. Please discard any such albums IMMEDIATELY.)
[Listening to country music makes me not want to socialize with people who enjoy it, so to me, it’s anti-social. Music is defined by how it’s received. Manson is (or was) shocking but his messages were largely intelligent and meaningful. It makes sense that religious types never cared for him.]

-Associates with other people that dress, act or speak eccentrically.
[Have you seen how the pope dresses? Have you ever watched a sermon, especially be a televangelist?]

-Shows a declining interest in wholesome activities, such as: the Bible, prayer, church or sports.
[The first three are clearly related, and then there’s sports, which are often violent and demand a loyal following. So, they’re all related.]

-Shows an increasing interest in death, vampires, magic, the occult, witchcraft or anything else that involves Satan.
[Reading about several of God’s acts could be considered having an interest in death. Vampires are as real as Santa Claus. Magic and occult invocations are no different than praying. Witchcraft deals with Nature. And Satan was first introduced in…wait for it…the Bible.]

-Takes drugs and/or drinks alcohol.
[Because behavior of parents is never a factor.]

-Is suicidal and/or depressed.
[Having a mental illness does not make one blasphemous.]

-Cuts, burns or partakes in any other method of self-mutilation. (This is a Satanic ritual that uses pain to detract from the light of God and His love. Please seek immediate attention for this at your local mental health center.)
[I appreciate that they advised a mental health center instead of a church.]

-Complains of boredom.
[Everybody is a Gothic.]

-Sleeps too excessively or too little.
-Is excessively awake during the night.
[Sleep disorders exist.]

-Dislikes sunlight or any other form of light. (This pertains to vampires promoting the idea that His light is of no use.)
[Oddly, I see no promotion of the idea that vampires are not real. But for fun, let’s say they are. The Sun scorching them to ash would probably be their top reason to dislike it.]

-Spends large amounts of time alone.
[There was a hippie in Maine who lived in the woods and talked to nobody for over three decades. Such a Gothic.]

-Requests time alone and quietness. (This is so that your child may speak to evil sprits [sic] through meditation.)
[That’s… not what meditation is.]

-Insists on spending time with friends while unaccompanied by an adult.
[So, every teenager in the world.]

-Disregards authority figures; teachers, priests, nuns and elders are but a few examples of this.
[I recall many Christians disregarding President Obama.]

-Eats goth-related foods. Count Dracula cereal is an example of this.
[Aside from the obvious mistake, I would have appreciated more examples. Blackened turkey burgers? Asparagus from Hell? They could've at least said Deviled eggs.]

-Drinks blood or expresses an interest in drinking blood. (Vampires believe this is how to attain Satan. This act is very dangerous and should be stopped immediately.)
[Again with the vampires. Once more- they’re fictional. And attaining Satan is not why they drink blood. Know how you eat things? Think along those lines. But drinking blood actually can be dangerous, so yeah, avoid it.]

-Watches cable television or any other corrupted media sources. (Ask your local church for proper programs that your child may watch.)
[SpongeBob is not a Gothic.]

-Plays videos [sic] games that contains [sic] violence or are of a role-playing nature.
[Every video game involves some sort of role-playing.]

-Uses the Internet excessively and frequently makes time for the computer.
[This can certainly be unhealthy but what does it have to do with vampires?]

-Makes Satanic symbols and/or violently shakes head to music.
[What if the head-shaking is caused by a church choir during one of those out-of-body panic attack speaking-in-tongues things?]

-Dances to music in a provocative or sexual manner.
[Cardi B is such a Gothic.]

-Expresses an interest in sex.
-Masturbates.
[If natural instincts are evil, Nature was made by the devil. If that’s true, what did God make?]

-Is homosexual and/or bisexual.
[It’s fun when they combine things, like those lifestyles with Gothics; or being pro-life while being pro-death penalty.]

-Pursues dangerous cult religions. Such include: Satanism, Philosophy, Paganism, Wicca, Hinduism and Buddhism.
[Here we go: Satanism was developed because of the Bible so it should be equally accepted; Philosophy is not a religion; Wicca falls under the umbrella of Paganism and regardless has to do with Nature and asking imaginary beings for help (sound familiar?); except for extremists, Hinduism and Buddhism are as harmless as any other religion (which could all be called cults).]

-Wears pins, stickers or anything else that contains these various phrases: "I'm so gothic, I'm dead", "woe is me", "I'm a goth".
[Who wears stickers?]

-Claims to be a goth.
[Maybe this should have been higher on the list.]

If five or more of these apply to your child, please intervene immediately. The gothic culture is dangerous and Satan thrives within it. If any of these problems persist, enlist your child into your local mental health center.

~St. Mary's Catholic Church

…

Awesome, huh?

For a fun little anecdote, guess which architectural style the building of St. Mary's is in. Gothic! I know it doesn't mean the same thing but how hilarious is that?

Stay strong, fellow Gothics. But stay away from that blasphemous cereal.