Last
weekend marked the end of living aimlessly for me.
(This
round, anyway.)
I’ve been
waiting for this almost since it began, over 20 months ago. Some of my first
memories from the journey include taking a picture of myself being sad and
going on a road trip I knew was a bad idea simply because I was desperate to
follow someone else’s guidance.
And those
were in the early days, not even two months in.
Since
then, I’ve visited some great places and seen some amazing things but much of
the time has been spent by myself. I’ve always had many solo experiences but
discovered the feeling of loneliness along the way.
Among
other things, I drove across the country twice, visited 20 state capitol
buildings, and went to 28 National Park Service sites.
And I have
very little to show for it.
My one
constant emotion has been frustration. Disappointment and regret have also made
frequent appearances.
Plus, I’m
very introverted and don’t usually communicate with strangers.
As my
former therapist said many times- “Wherever you go, you can never escape
yourself.”
So, what
have I learned?
Sadly, not
much.
During
this time, I’ve taken up no hobbies nor learned any skills. I’ve done a lot of
driving while listening to books and podcasts but largely without purpose.
I was
never even able to get myself to consistently exercise or read.
And all
that might be fine if I had something worthwhile to brag about.
I can’t
help but think this whole time was wasted on me; that this opportunity should
have gone to somebody else who would use it wisely.
What will
be different now that I have a place to call my own?
Well,
firstly, I don’t. The house may be mine but I’m renting it from a friend so she
can move in with her parents to help them.
She hasn’t
done nor said anything to make this so, but I doubt I’ll ever escape feeling
like this is just another place to be. And I’ll probably never refer to it as
my house.
Arguably,
I’ve never had a place to truly call my own. Maybe this is just a continuation.
Or,
perhaps, I just needed a pause in order to gain some sort of direction.
So much
time has been spent doing nothing and/or being angry when I could have at least
been enjoying the moment. I wanted to be grateful for all I had yet could never
get to that point.
My basic
needs were met. I always had a bed to sleep in and food to eat and clothes to
wear. My car ran successfully every time. Hell, I never even got a cold during
my journey.
Not that I
wish any of these were their opposites, but maybe experiencing them could have
helped me grow a little.
I really
don’t know what to expect from my time here. A goal is finishing a screenplay
that’s been “in the works” for a long time, but I’ve aimed at that before and
done little.
I’d like
to start a company that raises funds for charities. The way I look at it is
that if I’m not doing anything great, at least I can support those who are. But
I can’t say for sure whether or not that will be realized.
I want to
volunteer at a library and/or animal shelter, though I did both last year yet
found ‘come by whenever’ attitudes and fairly quickly lost interest.
I want to
take a class of some kind.
I want to
work on writing comedy.
I want, I
want, I want.
Yet, what
will actually happen? I guess we’ll find out…
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