Memorial For Someone I Should Have Met

 

Memorial For Someone I Should Have Met

The original beginning of this article was, ‘I went to a memorial service for someone I never met’.

Then I realized how common that is. I’ve done it many times for someone I care about, even though I failed to know the deceased. You’ve probably done the same.

So, here’s my revised statement: I went to a memorial service for someone I never met but definitely should have, and could have if I wasn’t such a fool.

That’s better. Sort of.

Anyway, here’s how it happened:

I “met” Raegan on a dating app. We matched and commenced conversing on there, then it moved to text messages and eventually phone calls.

Early on, she saw my hometown and asked if I knew a certain person. Not only had I heard of him, we were friends who had done many things together. Raegan knew him from college and they’d been close since.

Raegan was forward with me from the beginning, which I appreciated. She’d had issues with her brain (physical, not mental) and told me she would never be able to drive to me and the possibility of her becoming exhausted shortly into a visit was very real.

Some people would call this information a “red flag”, but I didn’t run away. Instead, we had some very interesting conversations about a variety of topics.

However, time went on and we fell out of contact. Nothing bad happened; we just stopped talking.

A few months later, our mutual friend posted on social media that Raegan had died.

(She did not ‘pass away’. Euphemisms are stupid.)

I didn’t know how to feel about this. It was sad, of course, and I felt awful that my friend had lost someone dear to him, and that the world was going to miss out on her wonderful nature.

But how did it affect me?

I immediately thought about how I’d never met her and would now never get that opportunity.

We met via a dating app, so would we have ended up together? Maybe.

(Speculation often does not help.)

I felt compelled to attend her memorial service but couldn’t place why. I had never met the person being honored and, though he is certainly a friend, the mutual and I don’t communicate much.

I always break things down to three questions- Am I obligated? Do I feel obligated? Do I want to?

No question that I was not obligated to attend.

I didn’t really feel obligated to go, but that was certainly a factor in some way.

And nobody wants to go to a memorial service so I replaced that by asking if I felt like I should.

I really did, so I figured out how to get there.

Then I wondered how it would go. Would it be weird? (Well, of course it would, but you know what I mean.) How would I explain my presence to strangers? What would I say to her relatives?

Was I making this about myself? Kind of, but internally, so it was acceptable.

Here’s how I pictured the evening going:

I would feel under-dressed because I was not wearing a suit, chatting with my friend would be nice but he would know others who were also friends with Raegan so he’d gather with them, I’d do a lot of lingering and wondering if I should leave, I would feel embarrassed upon meeting her family, people would tell memorable stories about her and I’d listen but contribute almost nothing then feel inferior because I had so little to add, and I would simply feel uncomfortable the entire time.

And that’s exactly how it played out. (Did I will it to be that way or am I really good at predicting?)

Am I making this about me again? Sorry.

Anyway, despite feeling mostly negative things about this, I’m glad that I went. Memorials are awful to attend but, having been on the other side of the situation, I understand how much seeing familiar faces really does help.

So, when did I actually leave the event?

When I thought one of her cousins was cute. Although honest, I recognized how inappropriate that was and decided to remove myself from the situation.

...

One of my few stories about Raegan involves bananas.

She told me that turning one “upside-down” and pinching the end would get it to un-peel every time. And she was absolutely correct.

I began doing that immediately and have ever since, thus reminding me of her almost every day. (I eat a lot of bananas.)

Now that you know about the trick, try it out. And thank Raegan when it works.