BABIES GIVE ME THE UGHS
I was at work with a nasty cold because I obviously
wouldn’t use a 'sick day' when I was actually sick.
I slept horribly the night before, as did the manager,
who told me that his baby kept waking him up. He desperately tried to make it
seem like his lack of sleep was worse than mine, to which I responded, “Well, I
didn’t choose to have a cold.”
Nice!
…
I am apparently in the minority with this opinion, but
I think everything about babies is awful, though people often throw words
around like ‘cute’ and ‘precious’ and ‘not awful’ when describing them.
Some parents are even ‘proud’ of their babies,
whatever that means.
How can any of these words be used to describe useless
lumps of nonsense that contribute nothing?
Even before the kid is born, there is so much focus on
it. Baby showers and remodeling rooms and doctor visits and learning how to
breathe and whatever else happens.
Then the kid appears and just sucks time and sanity
from formerly-decent people.
Have you ever tried talking to the parent of a baby? I
said 'tried' because all one can do is attempt without succeeding:
It is similarly impossible even when the kid grows up
a little:
(You have to tell the kid this? What an idiot.)
And what is this thing where people simply refer to
Baby? Gerber and other such companies say things like, 'This is good for Baby.'
Who is Baby? Is she in the corner somewhere? Did that reference make sense?
Whatever.
When did possessive pronouns become obsolete? 'Because
you care so much for Baby.' No, because you care so much for YOUR baby. That’s
how it works, grammatically speaking.
How it never works is by asking me if I want to hold a
baby.
Why would I do this? To bond? Over what!? Does the kid
listen to Viking metal? Has it read the latest issue of National Geographic?
What about writing insightful yet hilarious essays?
No, no, and no, in an ocean of no-ness.
The only thing we have in common is that we burp, but
I (usually) can control it and (usually) refrain from doing it like a rude jerk
while everyone is eating dinner. Plus, my burps are (usually) powerful and
awesome.
For another win, unidentifiable muck (usually) does
not emerge when I burp.
…
Not to be outdone by these insufferable parents, here
is my list of words to describe babies:
UGLY
“Aww, your baby is beautiful.” –something only liars
have said
You might think that your microscopic reproductive
sludge creating a living being is beautiful, which is fine because Biology is
amazing, but stop pretending your baby does not look like a creature from the
planet Hideous.
Actually, if you gave a creature from the planet
Hideous a crayon and told it to draw what it thought an alien baby looked like,
the result would be your gross kid.
Babies are ugly, fat, lumpy masses of gobbledygook.
(One could say the same about Americans in general and I would not argue.)
Have you seen the Gerber baby? This is a huge company
with access to millions of baby pictures and that disgusting blob was the best
they could find, meaning it was the least-revolting.
(I am uncertain about its relevance, but I
have always wanted to run this experiment:
After a baby is born in a hospital, it is
placed in a room with other babies so they can all scream and be the worst. Or
is that not the case? I don’t know.
Anyway, it has been said that new mothers
can naturally tell which baby is theirs.
I say prove it. And if the wrong one is
picked, oh well.
More like motherly inSTINKt!)
And stop telling the parents, “Oh he looks just like
his mommy”. Unless Mommy is also a creature from the planet Hideous, this is
untrue. The child is a repulsive, amorphous mush that is not worth looking at
ever.
Have you ever seen a blobfish? Whether you answered yes
or no, look up a picture of one immediately.
Now you know exactly what a baby looks like.
GROSS
Have you ever changed a diaper? I certainly have not.
Do
you know the contents of diapers?
Yeah, that stuff. And that other stuff. And probably
more gross stuff I would prefer didn’t invade my skin, clothes, table, ceiling,
floor, or walls.
Also, why is boys peeing while getting diapers changed
considered cute? It is urine in your face and I think you deserve it.
Parents also talk about their babies spontaneously
vomiting all over them. This is not sweet nor darling, but unacceptably
offensive to all the senses.
Have you ever watched a baby eat? I am not talking
about awkwardly staring at a mother with her boob plopped out at the mall food
court; I mean spoons full of goop that the kid “gets more on him than in him”.
That is sickening, unless your idea of a good time
involves puréed carrots being spat all over the shirt of an adult who used to
be a real person.
Here is a free parenting tip- Dump a cup of yogurt
directly on your baby’s forehead.
Its face will get covered, but that happens anyway,
right? The kid will flail around and probably half of the yogurt will end
up in its stupid mouth. Much less effort for the same result without making any
zoomy choo-choo noises.
Additionally, what is this curiosity where people
(mostly women) will look at a baby and say something about eating its chubby
cheeks? Cannibalism is not cute.
HORRIBLE
By 'Horrible', I mean ungrateful:
(I understand the urge to cry and scream but at least
focus the effort somewhere.)
By ‘Horrible’, I also mean horrible:
Just as babies are not good for anything, they
are good at nothing.
For instance, do you know how long it takes a newborn
giraffe to begin walking? One single, solitary hour!
When do baby humans start walking? Six months? Six
years? Regardless, it is definitely NOT one hour.
And when the calf does walk, there are no pictures
taken or dreadfully glowing faces to be seen. Mama Giraffe thinks, 'Right. Now
eat some leaves and if a hyena comes near you, kick it.'
Oh yeah, newborn giraffes can not only walk, but kick.
Baby giraffes: 2, Baby humans: -7,962,089
STUPID
In a tie with everything else, the most obnoxious
thing parents say goes something like this: 'I'm not saying this because she's
MINE, but my daughter is really smart.’
Two things:
1) Your child is not smart. Looking in your direction
when you call her name is a reaction to a sound. She does not know her stupid
name nor your stupid face nor anything else for that matter.
Parents love to pretend the trivial things their
babies do are brilliant and miraculous. Your child will not do or say anything
impressive for a long time, if ever.
2) You are, with complete certainty, saying the kid is
smart because she is yours. Have you ever said the same about someone else's
baby? Have your friends noticed this brilliance and commented on it? No and no,
so shut up.
Babies just look around and make fart noises because
they are awful at everything. If that’s not the definition of stupid, it’s
probably close.
…
One more thing- After your child hits the year mark,
stop referring to its age in months:
I have no problem doing Math but why must I do so to
figure out your idiotic kid's idiotic age?
…
People I have had this discussion with LOVE to point out that I was a baby
once, as if I had no idea.
Not only is that true, but I was ugly and gross and
horrible and stupid.
Luckily, I grew out of it quickly and am now stunning
and somewhat clean and awesome and undeniably clever.