Moose vs. Goose
The Eternal Battle Of The Rhyming Animals
The current ultra-important topic is how much better
moose are than geese.
Unfortunately, the words 'moose' and 'goose' rhyme in
English. Thankfully, this mere coincidence is the only likeness between the
creatures.
Awkward and clumsy with poor eyesight, the moose is
undeniably mighty. It is far from accidental that 'moose' and 'mighty' begin
with the same letter.
Another non-accident is how the G in 'mighty' is
completely ignored during pronunciation. That letter is silent, as geese should
always be.
Geese are not mighty but hiss, like snakes, because
they’re dumb.
A snake's hiss warns me to not go closer to it lest I
be struck down by natural poison, which is awesome. Being poisoned wouldn’t be
awesome but the phenomenon of snake venom is breathtaking, figuratively and
actually.
A goose hissing makes me simultaneously laugh and
angry, inspiring the thought of grabbing a furry gosling and punting
it into a lake.
The only species-confusion moose have is due to
Europeans calling them elk, but if you ask a goose why, you'll probably get an
answer like 'Duh, I don't know. I'm going to fly in a V pattern with my friends
and crap everywhere because we’re all rude and awful.'
(Also, I have an amusing and completely unrelated
story about that confusion: An ex-girlfriend made me a table coaster featuring
a silhouette of a reindeer under the Aurora Borealis. She thought it was a moose,
which she searched for. I made the heavy decision to tell her about the error
but acknowledged that I enjoyed the result regardless. Apparently, I sacrificed
her happiness to be correct. Well done.)
Anyway, for the record nobody is keeping, I am
speaking specifically about Canada geese and not any other kind, such as snow
geese, or 'snoogeez' as they prefer to be called.
These geese selfishly left Canada out of jealousy (because
moose are amazing and everyone adores them) to invade their country’s only
neighbor.
Perhaps some brave Canadian should petition their duchess
(or whatever they have) to change the name of these embarrassing creatures, which
are the only blemish on the delightful nation’s culture.
…
‘Oh man, my feet are so sore. I’d better put on my
goose slippers.’
NOPE!
There’s no such thing and an internet search for them
will come up empty.
When seeking ‘moose slippers’, however, you’ll find
pictures of many warm and welcoming slippers with some sort of moose head
complete with antlers, which are not only practical but absolutely adorable.
A search for ‘goose slippers’ will bring you nameless,
faceless sleepy shoes that merely *contain* feathers from geese and look
dreadful when juxtaposed
with
a wonderful pair of moose slippers.
(Also, I’m very aware that I said a search would come
up empty then provided no results from said search. Errors like this happen
when one has geese on the brain.)
…
The best thing about moose is how considerate they
are.
When offered pluralization, the entire Cervidae family
collectively said, ‘Nah, we don’t need an S or anything. Whether there is one
of us or a thousand, we will be moose, deer, elk, caribou, and reindeer.’
Geese, on the other hand, totally rewrote the rules of
obscenity.
Mice followed this example and there has been chaos
ever since, but mice are not jerks like geese. Calling a mouse by a name one
letter different from a moose is simply a fun thing to do, like calling a huge
guy Tiny or a fat guy Slim, but don’t call Fat Boy Slim or you’ll hear the same
sentence 20 times in a row.
(What!?)
…
In the world of sports, there are several teams from
northerly-latitudinal locations whose mascot is the moose. The Manitoba and
Jackson Hole Moose terrorized their respective hockey associations for years. The
University Of Maine decided moose are so wonderful that they named the mascot
of the *entire* school after the majestic beasts.
To contrast, I found exactly ZERO teams named Geese in
my search, which was brief and sloppy because I was afraid of actually finding one
with that name and ruining this whole article.
Remember Tony Siragusa? If not, consider yourself
lucky because he was a sports commentator who was mostly famous for being
obnoxious.
What is his nickname? Goose!
(Another perfect example to help prove whatever point
I am trying to make.)
Alternately, football player Daryl “Moose” Johnston is
not in the NFL Hall Of Fame but was proudly inducted into the Greater Buffalo
Sports Hall Of Fame. Can you name anyone called Goose who holds that honor? I
sure can’t, partly because I am unable to name another person in the entity that
I just found out exists.
For one more even though you might be thinking ‘OK, I
get it’, there is a basketball player named Greg Monroe whose mighty nickname is
Moose. This guy is so good that he’s played for six NBA teams and is now in
Germany since there’s apparently a basketball version of Bundesliga.
(How’s *that* for concrete evidence?)
Someone who could have been nicknamed Moose was
Benito Mussolini. Not only does the beginning of his surname sound like the
grandest of animals, he was good at being a bad guy, so perhaps he deserves
some kind of credit for it.
But he was a violent ally of Hitler so maybe not.
Hmm.
I hereby rescind the honorable offer to nickname him
Moose.
…
I heard a story of a man who was walking in Fairbanks,
Alaska, when he unwittingly strolled between a baby moose and its mother. Fearing
her child was in danger, Mama Moose immediately ran at the man, trampling and
killing him.
This is indeed a sad and unfortunate story for humans,
but how tough is Mama Moose for using her weight and might to stomp out a
threat to her kid?
And what would a goose have done in that situation?
Hissed; maybe flapped its stupid wings. What potential predator would that
deter? A boll weevil. Maybe.
…
Have you ever gone to a park? Yes? Good job! Then you
must be aware of how annoying it is to avoid 'landmines' on the walking path.
Not only do geese crap everywhere like rude jerks but
waiting for one or a series of them to cross said path is excruciating. Coming
to a full stop (physically, not the British phrase for a punctuation mark) to
watch these morons waddle out of the way is nothing short of the worst thing
ever.
Sometimes you might get to witness a goose-battle, when
one stupid goose runs at another. This shows they are perfectly able of running but instead choose to
move at a snail's pace.
(Sorry, snails. I didn’t mean to insult you with the comparison to those dreadful birds. You just move slowly, ya know? Sloths do
as well but they have sharp claws and I’d rather get slimed by you than sliced
up by them.)
I feel like there's something else geese actively
choose to not do despite it being convenient for everybody…
Oh right, geese are BIRDS with WINGS that enable them
to FLY. They can move really fast if they want to, but instead real animals
must bide our time and, for some reason, not run them over.
Let's change this. Run geese over. Bark at them. Kick
their stupid necks. Do anything you can to make their small brains realize that
they are the worst species on the planet.
To actually end this rambling, all hail the moose.
