Uncommon Scents
(This is meant to be read in a deep, corny advertising
voice. Think Phil Hartman as Troy McClure on The Simpsons.)
Hello, friends!
Do you like smelling things? Do you also have an
affinity for fire? If you enjoy both, you have probably tried candles before.
We here at the Yankee Candle Company figured out a way
to get everyday scents into wax form and put them into over-priced glass jars!
Hopefully, you are already familiar with our popular
scents like Macintosh, Edelweiss, and Pink Sands.
But did you know we also carry entirely nonsensical
fragrances, like Catching Rays and Afternoon Escape?
Along those lines, have you ever wondered what a
magical frosted forest would smell like? Thanks to us, you can find out!
Happening upon magical forests can be tricky and often
completely impossible because they do not exist. And a frosted one?!? Lots of
luck there.
No need to search vast wastelands simply for a scent--
just buy our Magical Frosted Forest candle! It smells just like a forest that
has been frosted with a little drop of magic because such an occurrence is realistically
possible.
…
Want more? We have a scented candle for everybody:
For the rock 'n'/or rollers, Poolside Oasis smells
just like chlorine mixed with a band that desperately tried to be The Beatles!
Wine snobs will love Vineyard’s distinct aroma of
rotten grapes!
And if you cannot get enough laundry, we have several scents
to satisfy your desire to smell clean clothes even after putting them away!
These candles are part of our… wait for it… Laundry
Line!
Sheer Linen, Soft Blanket, and Fluffy Towels should quench
your thirst to do chores until the next load of filthy garments.
If you prefer your laundry with a side of
intangibility, Fresh Comfort and Soft And Cozy will be sure to please.
…
A while back, our founder, Michael Kittredge, discovered
a teenage girl weeping in a field.
(Why he was in a field searching for a weeping teenage
girl is irrelevant.)
This young lass was crying and holding the stem of a
petal-less flower because she had just been playing He Loves Me, He Loves Me
Not and sadly ended on a Not petal.
Instead of consoling the sobbing girl, Michael bravely
bottled her tears with a healthy dose of her insecurity to create what would
become our Loves Me, Loves Me Not candle.
It smells exactly like heartbreak!
…
Do you enjoy the sky? Of course you do!
For those of you who look up sometimes, we offer Blue
Summer Sky, Midnight Sky, and Turquoise Sky, because the sky is an actual
entity that produces not just one but several natural scents.
…
Here are some more candle names followed by what they
actually and truly and authentically smell like:
Beautiful Day- fresh air and trees with a hint of
Irish smugness
Wedding Day- drunk uncles and horrible music
Storm Watch- watching a storm
Camouflage- sweat and shrapnel
Early Sunrise- the exact opposite of the familiar aroma
of a late sunrise
…
Because we like you, we are going to let you in on a
special candle secret.
If you light Over The River and Under The Palms at the
same time, you get the scent of Limbo followed by a whiff of utter
nothingness!!!
…
At this point, you might be saying, 'But what about
America? Does the Yankee Candle Company care about the troops?'
Well, friends, apparently you missed our Camouflage
candles.
One entire thousandth of every dollar from each small
version of Camouflage sold goes directly to Soldiers Who Sneeze, a for-profit
organization that pretends to help veterans suffering from the rare
post-traumatic disorder of constantly seeking black pepper.
But one candle cannot be enough scentiment
for this great nation.
From our Rah Rah America Collection, we bring you
Stars And Stripes, Let Freedom Ring, and of course, God Bless America. These
candles bring to life actual smells from The Great Depression, The Civil War,
and other wonderful American standards.
…
If there is one thing Americans love as much as
patriotism, it’s Christmas.
For this very reason, we created an absurd line of
Christmas candles, but since Yuletide can be a time of over-indulgence, we have
limited our scents to these select few:
All Is Bright, Build A Snowman, Candy Cane Lane,
Celebrate Christmas, Christmas Candy, Christmas Cookie, Christmas Eve,
Christmas Morning Punch, Christmas Tree, Christmas Wishes, Christmas Wreath, Frosty
Gingerbread, Holiday Garland, Holiday Home Sweet Home, Holiday Homecoming, Home
For The Holidays, Jack Frost, Let It Snow, Merry Marshmallow, Mistletoe, Midnight
Mistletoe, North Pole, Santa’s Cookies, Season Of Peace, Singing Carols, Sleigh
Bells Ring, Welcome Christmas, White Christmas, and Yuletide Spice.
To avoid confusion, Holiday Homecoming smells like
traffic and Grandma while Home For The Holidays wafts the scent of gridlock and
Grandpa.
These subtle differences are what make our holiday
candles truly special.
As a fair and inclusive company, please don’t think we
would pass on making money from our Jewish friends. For Hanukkah, we made one
and only one candle called Festival Of Lights, which smells like spinning
wooden toys while not eating ham.
…
Did you know 77%
of Americans believe in angels?
Our Angel's Wings candle has the heavenly aroma of
actual Heaven while Sparkling Angel reminds you of just how foolish you really
are.
…
In the grand tradition of grand traditions, we have
saved the best for last:
A few years ago, Yankee Candle was challenged to
create a candle that smelled of hasenpfeffer.
Without boasting at all, we completely and absolutely
nailed it. Slaughtered rabbit, onions, potatoes, green beans- our candle had
them all.
The scent was so realistic that some of us even ate
the wax with limited happiness and maximum bowel irritation!
Naturally, we marketed our Hasenpfeffer candle’s label
with an actual picture of a screaming young rabbit being boiled alive. While
the scent was spot-on, the candles did not sell so well because the sight of a
screaming young rabbit being boiled alive bothered a few people for some
unknown reason.
We then formed an unnecessarily-expensive think tank
to determine how to market our newest product and came up with three
conclusions:
1) The word 'bunny' is much friendlier than 'rabbit'
or that icky German word 'hasen'
2) There are too many Fs in the word ‘pfeffer’
3) Everyone likes cake
After thousands of hours and millions of dollars, the
Yankee Candle Company was proud to present Bunny Cake to the masses.
The label now features a delicious-looking cake shaped
in the form of an adorable cartoonish bunny.
Fret not though, friends, for each time you light the
candle, you will undoubtedly remind yourself of a screaming young rabbit being
boiled alive.
…
In the near-future, please keep a nose out for our new
candle-tastic fragrances like Terrifying Basement, Awkward Laughter,
Bubonic Plague, and Elevator Fart.
Thank you for your time and keep on smelling!
…
***DISCLAIMER***