Cheese In The Middle East

Cheese In The Middle East

“For a long time I could not conceive how one man could go forth to murder his fellow, or even why there were laws and governments; but when I heard details of vice and bloodshed, my wonder ceased and I turned away with disgust and loathing.” -the creature, Frankenstein by Mary Shelley

There are many trees on many islands, but one particular tree only grows on one particular island.

The dragon's blood tree (Dracaena cinnibari) is native to the island of Socotra, the largest of four islands in the Socotra archipelago off the coast of Yemen.

The tree’s red sap was mythologized as resembling the blood of a dragon. These trees can be found on plateaus, beaches, mountains, and wherever else they feel like sprouting up from the mighty ground.

A dream of mine is to sit under a dragon's blood tree and admire Socotra's diverse flora and fauna, read a book, eat the tree's berries, contemplate, and whatever else. That seems easily-attainable, but sadly, it will probably never come true.

I have the means, motive, and opportunity to visit Socotra, so why should this not happen?

The U.S. Department of State advises against traveling to Yemen “due to terrorism, civil unrest, health risks, kidnapping, armed conflict, and landmines.” In other words, I can't relax under a tree because people might try to blow me up. I could certainly sit under the tree, but there's a decent chance I could be kidnapped and/or killed on my journey by violent radicals, pirates, or any other group of angry folks who are waiting to cause chaos.

Those trees look awesome but aren’t entirely worth the risk.

…

How did we get to this point? By ‘we’, I mean humans, the only species of the roughly 8.7 million on Earth to cause such situations.

Many have argued that violence is in our nature. Some quick research into the history of almost any country, tribe, ethnicity, or religion will show you massive amounts of bloodshed. Even our ancestral apes likely resorted to violence when the thought emerged, as pointed out by Arthur C. Clarke and Stanley Kubrick in 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Many animals fight with each other, but those bouts are limited to hunting for food and protecting the pack. People do horrible things to other humans out of greed, jealousy, revenge, enjoyment, or even for no reason at all.

And why would this specific state of things change? The Middle East has been a disaster since I've been aware of what it is and long before that.

…

Then I wonder, ‘Do they eat grilled cheese in the Middle East?’ I think not, because the versatility of this food would make anyone immediately stop blowing things up. ANY person can take two slices of ANY kind of bread and put ANY kind of cheese between them to get a delicious and (possibly) nutritious snack.

Melted cheese turns any food into an absolute delicacy, but with grilled cheese it’s the featured ingredient!!! Peaceful and relaxing, cheese has a proven* calming effect on any person it enters. When it's placed between bread and cooked, Nirvana is achieved. Go forth, young Arhat.

*I made this up, though it should have been proven by now

What's even better is that you don't even have to specifically grill your sandwich. Instead, you could toast it, bake it, broil it, griddle it, pan-fry it, cook it over an open fire, put it in a Panini press, or however else you want to cook it for maximum deliciosity.

Have you ever seen the film Benny And Joon? Me neither, but apparently it contains a charming scene that features Johnny Depp making grilled cheese with a clothes iron. As far as I know, Johnny Depp has never wanted to blow me up so that I couldn't sit under a dragon's blood tree, so I'll trust his method as well.

…

By adding a few simple ingredients, you can make at least 150 different amazingly deliciously wonderfully melty grilled cheese sandwiches!

If grilled cheese sounds amazing but not quite filling enough, have I got some great news for you- Grilled cheese's best friend is none other than tomato soup! Just think about dipping the corner of your scrumptious cheese-melt into a bowl of hot liquid red wholesome creamy amazingness.

(Is anyone else drooling right now? If you're not, immediately stop what you're doing and spend no less than four hours at grilledcheeseacademy.com.)

Cranking up the appeal for people who hate their bodies but love their taste buds, restaurant chain Friendly's once offered a grilled cheese burger melt, which was a good old juicy hamburger smooshed between *two* grilled cheese sandwiches.

Sadly or thankfully, this item is no longer available.

The Great Depression, by its own definition, was one of the saddest times in American history. To feel better, do you know what people ate during this era? Grilled cheese! They often called it Cheese Dream and I don't blame them for one second. Sometimes there were variations, such as adding bacon and eggs or even (gasp!) preparing it open-faced.

If some of the saddest people ever ate grilled cheese to get through their hardships, surely terrorists and counter-terrorists would benefit from its grandiosity, eating together while holding hands and singing Imagine.

Forget about hating people with beliefs different from yours and make yourself a grilled cheese sandwich according to your own specifications.

Everyone has the right to enjoy cheese.

Hopefully Middle Easterners will read this message and I'll see you in Yemen.

Postscript- This article was originally titled 'Discussing The Disgusting' and took a very serious turn toward Existentialism and the history of human-on-human violence. Wasn't reading about cheese so much better!?!?

Moose Vs. Goose

Moose vs. Goose
The Eternal Battle Of The Rhyming Animals

The current ultra-important topic is how much better moose are than geese.

Unfortunately, the words 'moose' and 'goose' rhyme in English. Thankfully, this mere coincidence is the only likeness between the creatures.

Awkward and clumsy with poor eyesight, the moose is undeniably mighty. It is far from accidental that 'moose' and 'mighty' begin with the same letter.

Another non-accident is how the G in 'mighty' is completely ignored during pronunciation. That letter is silent, as geese should always be.

Geese are not mighty but hiss, like snakes, because they’re dumb.

A snake's hiss warns me to not go closer to it lest I be struck down by natural poison, which is awesome. Being poisoned wouldn’t be awesome but the phenomenon of snake venom is breathtaking, figuratively and actually.

A goose hissing makes me simultaneously laugh and angry, inspiring the thought of grabbing a furry gosling and punting it into a lake.

The only species-confusion moose have is due to Europeans calling them elk, but if you ask a goose why, you'll probably get an answer like 'Duh, I don't know. I'm going to fly in a V pattern with my friends and crap everywhere because we’re all rude and awful.'

(Also, I have an amusing and completely unrelated story about that confusion: An ex-girlfriend made me a table coaster featuring a silhouette of a reindeer under the Aurora Borealis. She thought it was a moose, which she searched for. I made the heavy decision to tell her about the error but acknowledged that I enjoyed the result regardless. Apparently, I sacrificed her happiness to be correct. Well done.)

Anyway, for the record nobody is keeping, I am speaking specifically about Canada geese and not any other kind, such as snow geese, or 'snoogeez' as they prefer to be called.

These geese selfishly left Canada out of jealousy (because moose are amazing and everyone adores them) to invade their country’s only neighbor.

Perhaps some brave Canadian should petition their duchess (or whatever they have) to change the name of these embarrassing creatures, which are the only blemish on the delightful nation’s culture.

…

‘Oh man, my feet are so sore. I’d better put on my goose slippers.’

NOPE!

There’s no such thing and an internet search for them will come up empty.

When seeking ‘moose slippers’, however, you’ll find pictures of many warm and welcoming slippers with some sort of moose head complete with antlers, which are not only practical but absolutely adorable.

A search for ‘goose slippers’ will bring you nameless, faceless sleepy shoes that merely *contain* feathers from geese and look dreadful when juxtaposed with a wonderful pair of moose slippers.

(Also, I’m very aware that I said a search would come up empty then provided no results from said search. Errors like this happen when one has geese on the brain.)

…

The best thing about moose is how considerate they are.

When offered pluralization, the entire Cervidae family collectively said, ‘Nah, we don’t need an S or anything. Whether there is one of us or a thousand, we will be moose, deer, elk, caribou, and reindeer.’

Geese, on the other hand, totally rewrote the rules of obscenity.

DICTIONARY PEOPLE: “So, many of you would be ‘gooses’, right?”

GOOSE REPRESENTATIVE: “Not only no, but we demand that you completely change two letters in our singular title. Add a separate entry in your book for our plural form, which MUST come alphabetically first for maximum confusion.”

Mice followed this example and there has been chaos ever since, but mice are not jerks like geese. Calling a mouse by a name one letter different from a moose is simply a fun thing to do, like calling a huge guy Tiny or a fat guy Slim, but don’t call Fat Boy Slim or you’ll hear the same sentence 20 times in a row.

(What!?)

…

In the world of sports, there are several teams from northerly-latitudinal locations whose mascot is the moose. The Manitoba and Jackson Hole Moose terrorized their respective hockey associations for years. The University Of Maine decided moose are so wonderful that they named the mascot of the *entire* school after the majestic beasts.

To contrast, I found exactly ZERO teams named Geese in my search, which was brief and sloppy because I was afraid of actually finding one with that name and ruining this whole article.

Remember Tony Siragusa? If not, consider yourself lucky because he was a sports commentator who was mostly famous for being obnoxious.

What is his nickname? Goose!

(Another perfect example to help prove whatever point I am trying to make.)

Alternately, football player Daryl “Moose” Johnston is not in the NFL Hall Of Fame but was proudly inducted into the Greater Buffalo Sports Hall Of Fame. Can you name anyone called Goose who holds that honor? I sure can’t, partly because I am unable to name another person in the entity that I just found out exists.

For one more even though you might be thinking ‘OK, I get it’, there is a basketball player named Greg Monroe whose mighty nickname is Moose. This guy is so good that he’s played for six NBA teams and is now in Germany since there’s apparently a basketball version of Bundesliga.

(How’s *that* for concrete evidence?)

Someone who could have been nicknamed Moose was Benito Mussolini. Not only does the beginning of his surname sound like the grandest of animals, he was good at being a bad guy, so perhaps he deserves some kind of credit for it.

But he was a violent ally of Hitler so maybe not.

Hmm.

I hereby rescind the honorable offer to nickname him Moose.

…

I heard a story of a man who was walking in Fairbanks, Alaska, when he unwittingly strolled between a baby moose and its mother. Fearing her child was in danger, Mama Moose immediately ran at the man, trampling and killing him.

This is indeed a sad and unfortunate story for humans, but how tough is Mama Moose for using her weight and might to stomp out a threat to her kid?

And what would a goose have done in that situation? Hissed; maybe flapped its stupid wings. What potential predator would that deter? A boll weevil. Maybe.

…

Have you ever gone to a park? Yes? Good job! Then you must be aware of how annoying it is to avoid 'landmines' on the walking path.

Not only do geese crap everywhere like rude jerks but waiting for one or a series of them to cross said path is excruciating. Coming to a full stop (physically, not the British phrase for a punctuation mark) to watch these morons waddle out of the way is nothing short of the worst thing ever.

Sometimes you might get to witness a goose-battle, when one stupid goose runs at another. This shows they are perfectly able of running but instead choose to move at a snail's pace.

(Sorry, snails. I didn’t mean to insult you with the comparison to those dreadful birds. You just move slowly, ya know? Sloths do as well but they have sharp claws and I’d rather get slimed by you than sliced up by them.)

I feel like there's something else geese actively choose to not do despite it being convenient for everybody…

Oh right, geese are BIRDS with WINGS that enable them to FLY. They can move really fast if they want to, but instead real animals must bide our time and, for some reason, not run them over.

Let's change this. Run geese over. Bark at them. Kick their stupid necks. Do anything you can to make their small brains realize that they are the worst species on the planet.

To actually end this rambling, all hail the moose.

 

Oceans Of Death

Oceans Of Death

Imagine you're homeless because you lost your job and can no longer afford housing.

You're walking the streets, eating fast food wrappers, when you spot an open area of land that looks unused except for stones scattered all over the place.

You worked in construction, so you go to the office and suggest building some kind of housing on the property. You’re able to get a crew together, could plan everything, and would work for free as long as a living unit would be yours at the end.

The person in charge of the property would have to tell you- with a serious face- that breathing people cannot live on the land because it's reserved for the dead.

You’d then have to do everything in your power to not add that person to the underground community.

Upon the cease of bodily life, many people pay many dollars for many loved ones to be inserted into expensive boxes that get lowered into the ground and covered with dirt so body and box can both rot, never to be seen again.

What an archaic, sad, ugly ritual that renders the land useless.

…

A bunch of years ago in Africa, some pyramids were erected.

These massive structures were each built for one dead ruler, who was wrapped up and shut into an undisclosed room filled with riches.

How was the room kept secret?

After burying the pharaoh within the structure, the rooms and hallways would be booby-trapped to prevent thieves from entering the tomb. For the sake of keeping the correct route unknown, the unlucky workers were then murdered and thrown into mass graves, which were a fraction of the size of the Pyramids yet held lots of bodies.

It was eventually decided that neither of these methods- hundreds in a mass grave or a giant tomb for one person- was acceptable. Thus, an odd combination of the two came to be.

…

Why do people go to cemeteries? Driven by faith or not, most want to 'visit' their deceased relatives and friends. Some talk out loud, assuming the person's spirit can hear them.

Isn't it weird to think of your loved ones' spirits just hanging around their former Earthly bodies, waiting for someone to drop by? And if you believe people can hear you in the afterlife, why couldn't you just speak to them from any location? What a curious vision of the next world some people have.

Occasionally, visitors even purchase blankets for the graves when the weather gets cold. I can’t even pretend to understand that idea, but kudos to whoever profits from it.

…

My suggestion is to eliminate at least 99% of all cemeteries. This is a fairly simple (if expensive and time-consuming) exercise that could benefit a large portion of people.

If a grave has not been visited within the past five years, dig it up.

Some ideas for how to replace cemeteries are affordable housing, parks, gardens, or making the land usable for agriculture.

Even a golf course has more value than a cemetery, and better pants.

Just use the land for something instead of nothing.

Regarding housing, some people would have a problem living on a former cemetery because the buildings might be “haunted” by the previous “residents”.

As comedian Jimmy Carr once said, “It's actually easy to tell if your house is haunted. It isn't.”

Besides, if a person with no home refuses to live somewhere because of superstition, that person deserves to sleep in terrible places and eat fast food wrappers.

…

Critics of my idea might say things such as, ‘But what about the jobs cemeteries provide?’ or ‘People who believe in cemeteries would be upset’ or ‘What would we do with the bodies?’

In order: Plenty of other jobs exist, tell them it’s time to act like adults, and utilize them! Bones could be fashioned into hunting gear or art, hair could be given to those without any, and the meat could be eaten. Yes, by humans. Humanity has a starvation problem and one solution would be cooking the dead.

Cannibalism may be taboo according to many cultures but I don't think a starving person would turn down a bowl of human soup.

I know I wouldn’t, and starvation isn’t an issue for me.

…

Here are some alternative ideas of what to do with your body once your brain deems it useless:

*Get ground up and planted as a tree! Can you sit under a tombstone and read? Can you fall out of a plot marker? Does a mausoleum go through photosynthesis, thus creating oxygen for live people to breathe?

To get started, check out a company called Bios Urn.

*Have a Viking funeral! The body in question is placed on a wooden craft and tastefully decorated by loved ones and adoring fans. Craft and body are then set ablaze and pushed off to sea, where the pair gets observed until both are fully consumed. This is followed by a wild beach party in the deceased's honor. Wood, air, fire, water- wonderfully elemental.

*Volunteer for your body to be eaten by something! (I actually wrote that as another option but as an insult it's a great suggestion if you'd like to go do that right now.)

...

Cemeteries also give florists a lot of business. A suggestion for them would be to petition Hallmark to invent another holiday to boost their flower sales.

How much death must cemeteries consume, anyway? When weeping people lay flowers six feet above their person's rotting corpse, what happens to the plants?

They become rotting flora-corpses. The same thing happens to all the arrangements delivered to funeral homes.

The death of one human causes other humans to kill hundreds or thousands of plants.

Zennists believe in balance. This is a great example of the opposite.

…

The biggest question I have about cemeteries is: ‘What happens when they're all full?’

It's mathematically inevitable. And really, what then?

Earth's population is increasing and more living bodies means more dead bodies.

Will the world be overrun with cemeteries? Will people get dug up and removed according to burial date or importance? If the latter, who decides?

This topic can be disturbing to think about but I think it's important. If humanity can agree on nothing else, let’s value living people more than the dead.

Stop the tired practice of cemeteries and simply honor those who’ve passed with pictures and memories.

Yes, in your brains. Don’t be afraid to use them.

 

Babies Give Me The UGHS

BABIES GIVE ME THE UGHS

I was at work with a nasty cold because I obviously wouldn’t use a 'sick day' when I was actually sick.

I slept horribly the night before, as did the manager, who told me that his baby kept waking him up. He desperately tried to make it seem like his lack of sleep was worse than mine, to which I responded, “Well, I didn’t choose to have a cold.”

Nice!

…

I am apparently in the minority with this opinion, but I think everything about babies is awful, though people often throw words around like ‘cute’ and ‘precious’ and ‘not awful’ when describing them.

Some parents are even ‘proud’ of their babies, whatever that means.

How can any of these words be used to describe useless lumps of nonsense that contribute nothing?

Even before the kid is born, there is so much focus on it. Baby showers and remodeling rooms and doctor visits and learning how to breathe and whatever else happens.

Then the kid appears and just sucks time and sanity from formerly-decent people.

Have you ever tried talking to the parent of a baby? I said 'tried' because all one can do is attempt without succeeding:

'Did you watch that new show about the kind-hearted serial killer?'

'No, I was putting Baby to bed then watched her for three hours.'

'Doing what?'

'Sleeping.'

'You suck now.'

It is similarly impossible even when the kid grows up a little:

'Hey, want a beer?'

'Well, I don't know because... [looks away] Balthazar Horatio Girdlestaff! Do not eat the lawn fertilizer!'

(You have to tell the kid this? What an idiot.)

And what is this thing where people simply refer to Baby? Gerber and other such companies say things like, 'This is good for Baby.' Who is Baby? Is she in the corner somewhere? Did that reference make sense? Whatever.

When did possessive pronouns become obsolete? 'Because you care so much for Baby.' No, because you care so much for YOUR baby. That’s how it works, grammatically speaking.

How it never works is by asking me if I want to hold a baby.

Why would I do this? To bond? Over what!? Does the kid listen to Viking metal? Has it read the latest issue of National Geographic? What about writing insightful yet hilarious essays?

No, no, and no, in an ocean of no-ness.

The only thing we have in common is that we burp, but I (usually) can control it and (usually) refrain from doing it like a rude jerk while everyone is eating dinner. Plus, my burps are (usually) powerful and awesome.

For another win, unidentifiable muck (usually) does not emerge when I burp.

…

Not to be outdone by these insufferable parents, here is my list of words to describe babies:

UGLY

“Aww, your baby is beautiful.” –something only liars have said

You might think that your microscopic reproductive sludge creating a living being is beautiful, which is fine because Biology is amazing, but stop pretending your baby does not look like a creature from the planet Hideous.

Actually, if you gave a creature from the planet Hideous a crayon and told it to draw what it thought an alien baby looked like, the result would be your gross kid.

Babies are ugly, fat, lumpy masses of gobbledygook. (One could say the same about Americans in general and I would not argue.)

Have you seen the Gerber baby? This is a huge company with access to millions of baby pictures and that disgusting blob was the best they could find, meaning it was the least-revolting.

(I am uncertain about its relevance, but I have always wanted to run this experiment:

After a baby is born in a hospital, it is placed in a room with other babies so they can all scream and be the worst. Or is that not the case? I don’t know.

Anyway, it has been said that new mothers can naturally tell which baby is theirs.

I say prove it. And if the wrong one is picked, oh well.

More like motherly inSTINKt!)

And stop telling the parents, “Oh he looks just like his mommy”. Unless Mommy is also a creature from the planet Hideous, this is untrue. The child is a repulsive, amorphous mush that is not worth looking at ever.

Have you ever seen a blobfish? Whether you answered yes or no, look up a picture of one immediately.

Now you know exactly what a baby looks like.

GROSS

Have you ever changed a diaper? I certainly have not.

Do you know the contents of diapers?

Yeah, that stuff. And that other stuff. And probably more gross stuff I would prefer didn’t invade my skin, clothes, table, ceiling, floor, or walls.

Also, why is boys peeing while getting diapers changed considered cute? It is urine in your face and I think you deserve it.

Parents also talk about their babies spontaneously vomiting all over them. This is not sweet nor darling, but unacceptably offensive to all the senses.

Have you ever watched a baby eat? I am not talking about awkwardly staring at a mother with her boob plopped out at the mall food court; I mean spoons full of goop that the kid “gets more on him than in him”.

That is sickening, unless your idea of a good time involves puréed carrots being spat all over the shirt of an adult who used to be a real person.

Here is a free parenting tip- Dump a cup of yogurt directly on your baby’s forehead.

Its face will get covered, but that happens anyway, right? The kid will flail around and probably half of the yogurt will end up in its stupid mouth. Much less effort for the same result without making any zoomy choo-choo noises.

After ten minutes, spray the kid with a hose and put it in the crib. Not nap time yet? Aside from the fact that [all time is fictitious], this will teach the kid, ‘Put in the crib, time to shut up and go to sleep.’

https://spoolygoo.blogspot.com/2020/03/time-is-meaningless.html

Additionally, what is this curiosity where people (mostly women) will look at a baby and say something about eating its chubby cheeks? Cannibalism is not cute.

HORRIBLE

By 'Horrible', I mean ungrateful:

‘Hey, child, here are the gifts of life, food, clothing, shelter, entertainment, and attention.’

‘That’s nice but instead of appreciating them I will CRY and SCREAM and you can do exactly nothing about it.’

(I understand the urge to cry and scream but at least focus the effort somewhere.)

By ‘Horrible’, I also mean horrible:

Just as babies are not good for anything, they are good at nothing.

For instance, do you know how long it takes a newborn giraffe to begin walking? One single, solitary hour!

When do baby humans start walking? Six months? Six years? Regardless, it is definitely NOT one hour.

And when the calf does walk, there are no pictures taken or dreadfully glowing faces to be seen. Mama Giraffe thinks, 'Right. Now eat some leaves and if a hyena comes near you, kick it.'

Oh yeah, newborn giraffes can not only walk, but kick.

Baby giraffes: 2, Baby humans: -7,962,089

STUPID

In a tie with everything else, the most obnoxious thing parents say goes something like this: 'I'm not saying this because she's MINE, but my daughter is really smart.’

Two things:

1) Your child is not smart. Looking in your direction when you call her name is a reaction to a sound. She does not know her stupid name nor your stupid face nor anything else for that matter.

Parents love to pretend the trivial things their babies do are brilliant and miraculous. Your child will not do or say anything impressive for a long time, if ever.

2) You are, with complete certainty, saying the kid is smart because she is yours. Have you ever said the same about someone else's baby? Have your friends noticed this brilliance and commented on it? No and no, so shut up.

Babies just look around and make fart noises because they are awful at everything. If that’s not the definition of stupid, it’s probably close.

…

One more thing- After your child hits the year mark, stop referring to its age in months:

'Oh, how old is your kid?'

'SIXTY-TWO MONTHS.'

I have no problem doing Math but why must I do so to figure out your idiotic kid's idiotic age?

…

People I have had this discussion with LOVE to point out that I was a baby once, as if I had no idea.

Not only is that true, but I was ugly and gross and horrible and stupid.

Luckily, I grew out of it quickly and am now stunning and somewhat clean and awesome and undeniably clever.

 

Please Allow Me To Bump Thee

Please Allow Me To Bump Thee
by Rob Cottignies

There I was, driving slowly like a grandma, when I was distracted by a complete sentence. It was political in nature with a “clever” slogan that probably was not even funny years ago when it was relevant.

While reading this novel, I looked up to see the bold red of brake lights and could not stop in time.

Smash, boom, shatter, crunch. Onomatopoeia.

…

This tragic situation occurs all the time. (Well, probably not and never to me, even though I just claimed so, but it *could* happen.)

And if it did, who would be at fault? Not a person, but an object. A fiendish, apathetic, carcinogenic bumper sticker.

Why do they still exist?

I have tried to think of things more useless than bumper stickers. Olives, non-alcoholic wine, running head-first into a wall, the Twilight movies. All somehow more useful.

Bumper stickers are awful and I almost want to get into politics just to ban them.

…

For your entertainment and education, here is my list of the six most obnoxious ones:

26.2
Running a marathon is impressive; bragging about it is not, especially in such a smug way.

This car climbed [mountain]
It would be mildly more interesting if you climbed the mountain, got eaten by a bear, and therefore were not in front of me on the highway.

Political stickers
What if your candidate loses? What if your candidate wins? What if that election happened years ago? What if I don’t care? Go honk yourself.

Proud parent…
I would not have a problem with these if that was all they said.

COEXIST
Though I agree with the message, I cannot stand when people slap stickers on their electric cars and think they can change the world by making themselves feel better.

Stick families
I probably do not need to explain what these are but here it is anyway:

People put a sequence of decals on their minivans. The left decal is usually a grown male stick figure holding a briefcase or bowling ball or some other stupid thing. Next to that, a female stick figure is baking a pie or just standing there in a dress. Next to that is at least one smaller stick figure with a piece of sports equipment and a really big, unnatural Charlie Brown smile. Next to that or them, a decal or decals of a dog and/or cat.

These are collectively supposed to represent the driver’s family.

Sometimes there are names under the decals, denoting specific family members. DADDY, MOMMY, BRYCE, SUZI, RANGER, SPOT, and WHISKERS.

When the figures are wearing Mickey Mouse ears, side effects my include immediate vomiting.

These decals make me angry because they are pointless, but really because I am jealous of such a simple, stupid idea that was so successful.

Dishonorable mention goes to the following bumper stickers:
-Keep Christ In Christmas
-sports team logos
-ones that say what the driver would rather be doing than driving
-those silhouettes of the cartoon kid peeing on a company’s logo or whatever other nonsense you have to slap onto your pick-up

…

Perhaps this is outdated, but these ‘Honk if you…’ stickers are an absolute menace.

Honking of the horn is exclusively for one of these purposes: 1) to alert the driver in front of you the traffic light has turned green, 2) to make a driver aware that his or her vehicle is getting uncomfortably close to yours, or 3) if you’re listening to The Heart Of Rock And Roll by Huey Lewis & The News. (You know the part.)

Do not arbitrarily honk all over the place because you listen to stickers and like a band or know someone with cancer or tongue-in-cheekily hate loud noises.

A theory exists that these aren't actually invitations, but warnings meaning 'I'm gonna drive horribly, so if you honk, I'll just assume you like [whatever the thing is].' I greatly dislike this alternative take, but can't bring myself to dismiss it fully.

…

The second-to-last thing I’ll mention is usually not a sticker but often gets stuck to the backs of unlucky cars: Baby On Board.

What am I supposed to do with this information? Not hit you? I was already doing that but now the idea is more tempting.

Also, because I am a bit demented, I have looked into vehicles with this placard in the window and not seen a baby. Annoying first, lying second. Do they really need a third strike?

Yes. A swift bat to the forehead.

To be fair, this decal's intended purpose is aimed not at me but at people who might happen upon the vehicle if it crashes and the driver is knocked unconscious, alerting them that a baby might be inside.

Though a noble idea, that does not make it less obnoxious, like getting bitten by a puppy. It's understandable but still hurts.

(Did that analogy work? Was it even necessary?)

…

To end on a nice note, there is one bumper sticker that I think is worth the time: How’s My Driving?

Almost every commercial vehicle has this question and a phone number on its rear, and I say great. I have called these numbers, both when cut off by a maniac and after following a courteous, careful driver. Sadly, the operator gets very confused when I've called to praise the latter.

Stop spreading your meaningless opinions on your car. Isn’t that the purpose of blogs?