Dining Out Is A Horrid Nightmare

Dining Out Is A Horrid Nightmare

Food has always united people and though the first modern restaurant was likely in France, dining out has become a grand tradition all over the world. In the U.S., there are several eating establishments in even the smallest of towns.

Restaurants are where friends like to go and I often join them, even though…

…I internally despise every excruciating second of it.

Here's why:

First, I have to go to somewhere. This place may be big, small, specialty, chain, popular, empty, or whatever else.

Upon entering, there is (usually) somebody a few feet from the door, smiling awkwardly. 'Good evening. How many?'

HOW MANY WHAT???

I'm immediately furious, though I know this bogus excuse for a question is short for, 'How many people are in your dining party?'

After answering the host's poor version of an inquiry, I must be SHOWN to a table because I'm incapable of finding one myself.

‘Would you prefer a table or a booth?’

IF IT HAS LEGS AND CAN SUPPORT FOOD, TAKE ME TO IT!!!

But obviously I want a table because booths are hideous. ‘Oh, I have to get up. Let me be rude as hell and make the people next to me stand up, then slide out while they uncomfortably wait for me, then be ruder as hell upon returning by making them stand up again so I can slide back to my original spot.’

(Booths should come with their own toilets, as should stadium seating.)

I'm then given a menu and the host begins with, ‘Tonight's specials are…’

I DON'T CARE!!! IF THESE DISHES ARE SO GOOD, THEY'D BE AVAILABLE ALL THE TIME!!!

But no, I must sit through a list of meals I won't order because I'll instantly forget what was said.

I might ask which beers are on tap, only to hear, ‘I'm not sure. Your server will be with you shortly and can answer that.’

THEN WHAT'S THE POINT OF YOU??? I FORGOT ALL THE STUPID SPECIALS AND NOW YOU DON'T KNOW SOMETHING I ACTUALLY AM INTERESTED IN??? I HATE YOU SO MUCH!!!

…

The server comes over.

This person is my group’s new best friend. ‘Hey guys, my name is ZEKE and I'll be taking care of you tonight.’

TAKING CARE OF WHAT??? I'M NOT WEARING A DIAPER!!!

Maybe I am wearing a diaper but that's *my* business; certainly not Zeke's.

‘Can I start you off with something to drink like beer or wine? Or maybe you'd like an appetizer like spinach dip or chicken wings?’

I KNOW WHAT DRINKS AND APPETIZERS ARE!!! I DON'T NEED EXAMPLES!!!

I haven't even looked at the menu yet. Leave me alone.

But don't leave me alone because I want a drink. ‘What beers are on tap?’, I ask, AGAIN.

At this point, there are two options: 1) Zeke gives me a beer list and STARES at me while I read it, or 2) I'll have to WATCH as Zeke stutteringly vomits beer names from his wretched chasm of a mouth.

…

Now my table has ordered drinks and Zeke is gone.

I begin to read the menu then assume that anything some guy in the back throws together is probably pretty good. After all, he's a professional. (I'm aware that plenty of places have lady chefs but I'm just making this easier for to write. Go fork yourself.)

But before I can even look at three choices, Zeke returns. ‘Here are your drinks and some bread.’

OBVIOUSLY!!!

‘Are you ready to order?’

ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! HOW CAN I BE EXPECTED TO DO ANYTHING UNDER THIS KIND OF PRESSURE??? GO AWAY SO I CAN READ MORE!!!

But don’t go away because I want to get this dreadful menu out of my life.

Due to my superb etiquette, I always let the people I'm with order first. At my turn, I randomly pick from the two options I remember and chalk it up to a victory.

…

A few sentences and sips later, Zeke comes back.

‘How is everything?’

EVERYTHING??? HOW IS WHAT??? ALL WE HAVE IS BREAD!!! BBBRRREEEAAADDD!!!

‘Your meals will be out shortly.’

This is a stupid thing to say. The meal will come out shortly and Zeke will have lived up to his word, which is not impressive but expected.

OR

It will take a while and I will get ENRAGED at his hideous lie. Should that happen, Zeke will apologize, which I will graciously accept even though it means NOTHING.

IF YOU REALIZE YOU'VE INCONVENIENCED ME AND ARE TRULY SORRY, MAKE UP FOR IT BY NOT CHARGING $3.99 FOR A SIDE SALAD!!!

The meals arrive, followed by, ‘Can I get you anything else?’

WHY MUST I ANSWER ALL THESE QUESTIONS??? I'M SUPPOSED TO BE RELAXING WHILE OTHER PEOPLE DO THE WORK!!!

…

Zeke leaves and after two bites, the manager comes over.

Oh, how I HATE the manager.

‘How is everything?’

Apparently, everybody wants to know my opinion.

WHAT??? EVERYTHING IS FINE.

How bad could it be? If something about the situation is so horrible that I need to say something, I will.

Ugh.

The interruptions don't stop while eating. Zeke and/or the horrible manager will continue to gawk and pester until every morsel has been consumed.

Then what happens? The busboy comes over, looks at my empty plate, and asks, ‘Are you finished?’

…

The meal is over, I'm ready to leave, and Zeke is nowhere to be found. On top of me the entire time, now missing.

I consider just leaving but decide not to because that happened once and although it was completely justified, I still felt guilty.

After many minutes, Zeke re-emerges, asking, ‘Would you like anything else?’

‘Yes, Babe Ruth’s autograph.’ BRING ME THE CHECK!!!

More minutes later, the bill is at the table but Zeke is gone, again. Even more minutes go by before he comes to pick it up. I know paying with cash avoids further time-wasting but I’ve obviously got my credit card.

Where did Zeke go? THIS IS HORRIBLE!!!

Finally the bill is back, the meal is still over, and I can leave. ‘Have a good night’, says Zeke.

TOO LATE FOR THAT!!!

All I have to do before breaking out of this prison is sign the merchant copy.

But wait, what's this dotted line above the signature line?

…

Tipping at the end of a meal is its own adorable nightmare.

In many places around the world, good service is simply expected and leaving extra money is truly optional if you think the experience has been excellent. In some cultures, tipping is considered rude. ‘Oh, look at me, I have so much money so I'll throw some on the table for this menial peasant.’

This mindset was also prevalent in the pre-Prohibition United States. During the dry spell, businesses suffered financially, so they cut servers’ wages and encouraged customers to make up for it.

Another societal casualty of that pointless period in our history.

(The more you know…)

Automatic tipping is awful and here’s why:

I order an expensive appetizer, a steak, and two beers for $50. Next time, I order a cheap appetizer, a salad, and two sodas for $25. Zeke did the exact same amount of work so why should the tip be higher for the steak meal? Makes no sense.

In fact, Zeke probably did more work during my cheaper visit, by pouring the sodas himself instead of waiting for the bartender to pour beers.

…

Back to our restaurant, I still have to tip Zeke. How was everything? Good enough. We ate, we drank, there was bread. 20% is easy to figure out but the service wasn't exceptional. Yet 15% seems weak, culturally.

Even with a calculator, figuring out an in-between percentage is just bananas.

Some restaurants actually print on the bill tipping amounts per percentage. This is the establishment blatantly saying, ‘We don't pay our servants enough so now you must make up for it.’ Disgusting.

Argh. I'm exhausted. And full. Thanks for nothing, Zeke. Enjoy your 20%.

 

Uncommon Scents

Uncommon Scents

(This is meant to be read in a deep, corny advertising voice. Think Phil Hartman as Troy McClure on The Simpsons.)

Hello, friends!

Do you like smelling things? Do you also have an affinity for fire? If you enjoy both, you have probably tried candles before.

We here at the Yankee Candle Company figured out a way to get everyday scents into wax form and put them into over-priced glass jars!

Hopefully, you are already familiar with our popular scents like Macintosh, Edelweiss, and Pink Sands.

But did you know we also carry entirely nonsensical fragrances, like Catching Rays and Afternoon Escape?

Along those lines, have you ever wondered what a magical frosted forest would smell like? Thanks to us, you can find out!

Happening upon magical forests can be tricky and often completely impossible because they do not exist. And a frosted one?!? Lots of luck there.

No need to search vast wastelands simply for a scent-- just buy our Magical Frosted Forest candle! It smells just like a forest that has been frosted with a little drop of magic because such an occurrence is realistically possible.

…

Want more? We have a scented candle for everybody:

For the rock 'n'/or rollers, Poolside Oasis smells just like chlorine mixed with a band that desperately tried to be The Beatles!

Wine snobs will love Vineyard’s distinct aroma of rotten grapes!

And if you cannot get enough laundry, we have several scents to satisfy your desire to smell clean clothes even after putting them away!

These candles are part of our… wait for it… Laundry Line!

Sheer Linen, Soft Blanket, and Fluffy Towels should quench your thirst to do chores until the next load of filthy garments.

If you prefer your laundry with a side of intangibility, Fresh Comfort and Soft And Cozy will be sure to please.

…

A while back, our founder, Michael Kittredge, discovered a teenage girl weeping in a field.

(Why he was in a field searching for a weeping teenage girl is irrelevant.)

This young lass was crying and holding the stem of a petal-less flower because she had just been playing He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not and sadly ended on a Not petal.

Instead of consoling the sobbing girl, Michael bravely bottled her tears with a healthy dose of her insecurity to create what would become our Loves Me, Loves Me Not candle.

It smells exactly like heartbreak!

…

Do you enjoy the sky? Of course you do!

For those of you who look up sometimes, we offer Blue Summer Sky, Midnight Sky, and Turquoise Sky, because the sky is an actual entity that produces not just one but several natural scents.

…

Here are some more candle names followed by what they actually and truly and authentically smell like:

Beautiful Day- fresh air and trees with a hint of Irish smugness

Wedding Day- drunk uncles and horrible music

Storm Watch- watching a storm

Camouflage- sweat and shrapnel

Early Sunrise- the exact opposite of the familiar aroma of a late sunrise

…

Because we like you, we are going to let you in on a special candle secret.

If you light Over The River and Under The Palms at the same time, you get the scent of Limbo followed by a whiff of utter nothingness!!!

…

At this point, you might be saying, 'But what about America? Does the Yankee Candle Company care about the troops?'

Well, friends, apparently you missed our Camouflage candles.

One entire thousandth of every dollar from each small version of Camouflage sold goes directly to Soldiers Who Sneeze, a for-profit organization that pretends to help veterans suffering from the rare post-traumatic disorder of constantly seeking black pepper.

But one candle cannot be enough scentiment for this great nation.

From our Rah Rah America Collection, we bring you Stars And Stripes, Let Freedom Ring, and of course, God Bless America. These candles bring to life actual smells from The Great Depression, The Civil War, and other wonderful American standards.

…

If there is one thing Americans love as much as patriotism, it’s Christmas.

For this very reason, we created an absurd line of Christmas candles, but since Yuletide can be a time of over-indulgence, we have limited our scents to these select few:

All Is Bright, Build A Snowman, Candy Cane Lane, Celebrate Christmas, Christmas Candy, Christmas Cookie, Christmas Eve, Christmas Morning Punch, Christmas Tree, Christmas Wishes, Christmas Wreath, Frosty Gingerbread, Holiday Garland, Holiday Home Sweet Home, Holiday Homecoming, Home For The Holidays, Jack Frost, Let It Snow, Merry Marshmallow, Mistletoe, Midnight Mistletoe, North Pole, Santa’s Cookies, Season Of Peace, Singing Carols, Sleigh Bells Ring, Welcome Christmas, White Christmas, and Yuletide Spice.

To avoid confusion, Holiday Homecoming smells like traffic and Grandma while Home For The Holidays wafts the scent of gridlock and Grandpa.

These subtle differences are what make our holiday candles truly special.

As a fair and inclusive company, please don’t think we would pass on making money from our Jewish friends. For Hanukkah, we made one and only one candle called Festival Of Lights, which smells like spinning wooden toys while not eating ham.

…

Did you know 77% of Americans believe in angels?

Our Angel's Wings candle has the heavenly aroma of actual Heaven while Sparkling Angel reminds you of just how foolish you really are.

…

In the grand tradition of grand traditions, we have saved the best for last:

A few years ago, Yankee Candle was challenged to create a candle that smelled of hasenpfeffer.

Without boasting at all, we completely and absolutely nailed it. Slaughtered rabbit, onions, potatoes, green beans- our candle had them all.

The scent was so realistic that some of us even ate the wax with limited happiness and maximum bowel irritation!

Naturally, we marketed our Hasenpfeffer candle’s label with an actual picture of a screaming young rabbit being boiled alive. While the scent was spot-on, the candles did not sell so well because the sight of a screaming young rabbit being boiled alive bothered a few people for some unknown reason.

We then formed an unnecessarily-expensive think tank to determine how to market our newest product and came up with three conclusions:

1) The word 'bunny' is much friendlier than 'rabbit' or that icky German word 'hasen'

2) There are too many Fs in the word ‘pfeffer’

3) Everyone likes cake

After thousands of hours and millions of dollars, the Yankee Candle Company was proud to present Bunny Cake to the masses.

The label now features a delicious-looking cake shaped in the form of an adorable cartoonish bunny.

Fret not though, friends, for each time you light the candle, you will undoubtedly remind yourself of a screaming young rabbit being boiled alive.

…

In the near-future, please keep a nose out for our new candle-tastic fragrances like Terrifying Basement, Awkward Laughter, Bubonic Plague, and Elevator Fart.

Thank you for your time and keep on smelling!

…

***DISCLAIMER***

Because lawsuits happen, the author would like to say he is in no way affiliated with the Yankee Candle Company.

Also, the stories about the girl in the field and the rabbit were completely (but cleverly) made up, as were *some* of the scents.

So there. Leave me alone.

 

Cheese In The Middle East

Cheese In The Middle East

“For a long time I could not conceive how one man could go forth to murder his fellow, or even why there were laws and governments; but when I heard details of vice and bloodshed, my wonder ceased and I turned away with disgust and loathing.” -the creature, Frankenstein by Mary Shelley

There are many trees on many islands, but one particular tree only grows on one particular island.

The dragon's blood tree (Dracaena cinnibari) is native to the island of Socotra, the largest of four islands in the Socotra archipelago off the coast of Yemen.

The tree’s red sap was mythologized as resembling the blood of a dragon. These trees can be found on plateaus, beaches, mountains, and wherever else they feel like sprouting up from the mighty ground.

A dream of mine is to sit under a dragon's blood tree and admire Socotra's diverse flora and fauna, read a book, eat the tree's berries, contemplate, and whatever else. That seems easily-attainable, but sadly, it will probably never come true.

I have the means, motive, and opportunity to visit Socotra, so why should this not happen?

The U.S. Department of State advises against traveling to Yemen “due to terrorism, civil unrest, health risks, kidnapping, armed conflict, and landmines.” In other words, I can't relax under a tree because people might try to blow me up. I could certainly sit under the tree, but there's a decent chance I could be kidnapped and/or killed on my journey by violent radicals, pirates, or any other group of angry folks who are waiting to cause chaos.

Those trees look awesome but aren’t entirely worth the risk.

…

How did we get to this point? By ‘we’, I mean humans, the only species of the roughly 8.7 million on Earth to cause such situations.

Many have argued that violence is in our nature. Some quick research into the history of almost any country, tribe, ethnicity, or religion will show you massive amounts of bloodshed. Even our ancestral apes likely resorted to violence when the thought emerged, as pointed out by Arthur C. Clarke and Stanley Kubrick in 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Many animals fight with each other, but those bouts are limited to hunting for food and protecting the pack. People do horrible things to other humans out of greed, jealousy, revenge, enjoyment, or even for no reason at all.

And why would this specific state of things change? The Middle East has been a disaster since I've been aware of what it is and long before that.

…

Then I wonder, ‘Do they eat grilled cheese in the Middle East?’ I think not, because the versatility of this food would make anyone immediately stop blowing things up. ANY person can take two slices of ANY kind of bread and put ANY kind of cheese between them to get a delicious and (possibly) nutritious snack.

Melted cheese turns any food into an absolute delicacy, but with grilled cheese it’s the featured ingredient!!! Peaceful and relaxing, cheese has a proven* calming effect on any person it enters. When it's placed between bread and cooked, Nirvana is achieved. Go forth, young Arhat.

*I made this up, though it should have been proven by now

What's even better is that you don't even have to specifically grill your sandwich. Instead, you could toast it, bake it, broil it, griddle it, pan-fry it, cook it over an open fire, put it in a Panini press, or however else you want to cook it for maximum deliciosity.

Have you ever seen the film Benny And Joon? Me neither, but apparently it contains a charming scene that features Johnny Depp making grilled cheese with a clothes iron. As far as I know, Johnny Depp has never wanted to blow me up so that I couldn't sit under a dragon's blood tree, so I'll trust his method as well.

…

By adding a few simple ingredients, you can make at least 150 different amazingly deliciously wonderfully melty grilled cheese sandwiches!

If grilled cheese sounds amazing but not quite filling enough, have I got some great news for you- Grilled cheese's best friend is none other than tomato soup! Just think about dipping the corner of your scrumptious cheese-melt into a bowl of hot liquid red wholesome creamy amazingness.

(Is anyone else drooling right now? If you're not, immediately stop what you're doing and spend no less than four hours at grilledcheeseacademy.com.)

Cranking up the appeal for people who hate their bodies but love their taste buds, restaurant chain Friendly's once offered a grilled cheese burger melt, which was a good old juicy hamburger smooshed between *two* grilled cheese sandwiches.

Sadly or thankfully, this item is no longer available.

The Great Depression, by its own definition, was one of the saddest times in American history. To feel better, do you know what people ate during this era? Grilled cheese! They often called it Cheese Dream and I don't blame them for one second. Sometimes there were variations, such as adding bacon and eggs or even (gasp!) preparing it open-faced.

If some of the saddest people ever ate grilled cheese to get through their hardships, surely terrorists and counter-terrorists would benefit from its grandiosity, eating together while holding hands and singing Imagine.

Forget about hating people with beliefs different from yours and make yourself a grilled cheese sandwich according to your own specifications.

Everyone has the right to enjoy cheese.

Hopefully Middle Easterners will read this message and I'll see you in Yemen.

Postscript- This article was originally titled 'Discussing The Disgusting' and took a very serious turn toward Existentialism and the history of human-on-human violence. Wasn't reading about cheese so much better!?!?

Moose Vs. Goose

Moose vs. Goose
The Eternal Battle Of The Rhyming Animals

The current ultra-important topic is how much better moose are than geese.

Unfortunately, the words 'moose' and 'goose' rhyme in English. Thankfully, this mere coincidence is the only likeness between the creatures.

Awkward and clumsy with poor eyesight, the moose is undeniably mighty. It is far from accidental that 'moose' and 'mighty' begin with the same letter.

Another non-accident is how the G in 'mighty' is completely ignored during pronunciation. That letter is silent, as geese should always be.

Geese are not mighty but hiss, like snakes, because they’re dumb.

A snake's hiss warns me to not go closer to it lest I be struck down by natural poison, which is awesome. Being poisoned wouldn’t be awesome but the phenomenon of snake venom is breathtaking, figuratively and actually.

A goose hissing makes me simultaneously laugh and angry, inspiring the thought of grabbing a furry gosling and punting it into a lake.

The only species-confusion moose have is due to Europeans calling them elk, but if you ask a goose why, you'll probably get an answer like 'Duh, I don't know. I'm going to fly in a V pattern with my friends and crap everywhere because we’re all rude and awful.'

(Also, I have an amusing and completely unrelated story about that confusion: An ex-girlfriend made me a table coaster featuring a silhouette of a reindeer under the Aurora Borealis. She thought it was a moose, which she searched for. I made the heavy decision to tell her about the error but acknowledged that I enjoyed the result regardless. Apparently, I sacrificed her happiness to be correct. Well done.)

Anyway, for the record nobody is keeping, I am speaking specifically about Canada geese and not any other kind, such as snow geese, or 'snoogeez' as they prefer to be called.

These geese selfishly left Canada out of jealousy (because moose are amazing and everyone adores them) to invade their country’s only neighbor.

Perhaps some brave Canadian should petition their duchess (or whatever they have) to change the name of these embarrassing creatures, which are the only blemish on the delightful nation’s culture.

…

‘Oh man, my feet are so sore. I’d better put on my goose slippers.’

NOPE!

There’s no such thing and an internet search for them will come up empty.

When seeking ‘moose slippers’, however, you’ll find pictures of many warm and welcoming slippers with some sort of moose head complete with antlers, which are not only practical but absolutely adorable.

A search for ‘goose slippers’ will bring you nameless, faceless sleepy shoes that merely *contain* feathers from geese and look dreadful when juxtaposed with a wonderful pair of moose slippers.

(Also, I’m very aware that I said a search would come up empty then provided no results from said search. Errors like this happen when one has geese on the brain.)

…

The best thing about moose is how considerate they are.

When offered pluralization, the entire Cervidae family collectively said, ‘Nah, we don’t need an S or anything. Whether there is one of us or a thousand, we will be moose, deer, elk, caribou, and reindeer.’

Geese, on the other hand, totally rewrote the rules of obscenity.

DICTIONARY PEOPLE: “So, many of you would be ‘gooses’, right?”

GOOSE REPRESENTATIVE: “Not only no, but we demand that you completely change two letters in our singular title. Add a separate entry in your book for our plural form, which MUST come alphabetically first for maximum confusion.”

Mice followed this example and there has been chaos ever since, but mice are not jerks like geese. Calling a mouse by a name one letter different from a moose is simply a fun thing to do, like calling a huge guy Tiny or a fat guy Slim, but don’t call Fat Boy Slim or you’ll hear the same sentence 20 times in a row.

(What!?)

…

In the world of sports, there are several teams from northerly-latitudinal locations whose mascot is the moose. The Manitoba and Jackson Hole Moose terrorized their respective hockey associations for years. The University Of Maine decided moose are so wonderful that they named the mascot of the *entire* school after the majestic beasts.

To contrast, I found exactly ZERO teams named Geese in my search, which was brief and sloppy because I was afraid of actually finding one with that name and ruining this whole article.

Remember Tony Siragusa? If not, consider yourself lucky because he was a sports commentator who was mostly famous for being obnoxious.

What is his nickname? Goose!

(Another perfect example to help prove whatever point I am trying to make.)

Alternately, football player Daryl “Moose” Johnston is not in the NFL Hall Of Fame but was proudly inducted into the Greater Buffalo Sports Hall Of Fame. Can you name anyone called Goose who holds that honor? I sure can’t, partly because I am unable to name another person in the entity that I just found out exists.

For one more even though you might be thinking ‘OK, I get it’, there is a basketball player named Greg Monroe whose mighty nickname is Moose. This guy is so good that he’s played for six NBA teams and is now in Germany since there’s apparently a basketball version of Bundesliga.

(How’s *that* for concrete evidence?)

Someone who could have been nicknamed Moose was Benito Mussolini. Not only does the beginning of his surname sound like the grandest of animals, he was good at being a bad guy, so perhaps he deserves some kind of credit for it.

But he was a violent ally of Hitler so maybe not.

Hmm.

I hereby rescind the honorable offer to nickname him Moose.

…

I heard a story of a man who was walking in Fairbanks, Alaska, when he unwittingly strolled between a baby moose and its mother. Fearing her child was in danger, Mama Moose immediately ran at the man, trampling and killing him.

This is indeed a sad and unfortunate story for humans, but how tough is Mama Moose for using her weight and might to stomp out a threat to her kid?

And what would a goose have done in that situation? Hissed; maybe flapped its stupid wings. What potential predator would that deter? A boll weevil. Maybe.

…

Have you ever gone to a park? Yes? Good job! Then you must be aware of how annoying it is to avoid 'landmines' on the walking path.

Not only do geese crap everywhere like rude jerks but waiting for one or a series of them to cross said path is excruciating. Coming to a full stop (physically, not the British phrase for a punctuation mark) to watch these morons waddle out of the way is nothing short of the worst thing ever.

Sometimes you might get to witness a goose-battle, when one stupid goose runs at another. This shows they are perfectly able of running but instead choose to move at a snail's pace.

(Sorry, snails. I didn’t mean to insult you with the comparison to those dreadful birds. You just move slowly, ya know? Sloths do as well but they have sharp claws and I’d rather get slimed by you than sliced up by them.)

I feel like there's something else geese actively choose to not do despite it being convenient for everybody…

Oh right, geese are BIRDS with WINGS that enable them to FLY. They can move really fast if they want to, but instead real animals must bide our time and, for some reason, not run them over.

Let's change this. Run geese over. Bark at them. Kick their stupid necks. Do anything you can to make their small brains realize that they are the worst species on the planet.

To actually end this rambling, all hail the moose.