The Dreaded Door Dilemma

The Dreaded Door Dilemma

By Rob Cottignies

Here’s the scene:

I walk up to a store, pull the door open, and slide into the building. For some reason, I glance behind me. Some guy is walking toward the entrance, about 30 feet away.

My goal was to enter the store, which I’ve done. Time to move on to Phase 2, right? Time to buy new pants and a flashlight, right!?

Maybe not.

Obligation overwhelms me.

But why should I hold the door open for this guy? I saw him get out of a car so he was clearly able to drive himself here. He’s walking upright and both of his arms seem to function just fine. The door isn't heavy. Surely, he’s capable of opening it for himself.

I thought too long about it so here I am, half in a store's foyer, holding a door open with my body bent in some strange way which bodies were not meant to bend. Now this not-heavy door is feeling heavy. I still have time to let it go and walk in.

And what would happen? A stranger thinks I’m rude. Even if he says something, I can pretend I'm sorry and be done with it.

But no, I'll hold it for him because that's what's "supposed to" be done.

What happens when he finally reaches the door? He turns left. No acknowledgement. No appreciation. And no result from my unnecessary struggle. This time was truly wasted.

…

What’s the solution? Is there proper etiquette for this common situation?

Normally, I’d say flinging the door open and walking in like The King without further touching said door would be the answer. This way you were never holding the door, even for yourself. If you don’t look back, how could you know someone was there?

But of course you know when someone is there.

Here are some proposed actions to be taken which are directly based on the person’s distance to the door:

If the person is more than 35 feet from you, absolutely do not consider holding the door. Use your eyes to judge and give or take fifteen feet, but only take the fifteen. You owe this person nothing. And maybe you have a nice butt, so this person should be grateful for the opportunity to see it in action.

That's simple enough, but what if the person is…

…disabled, physically or mentally? Hold the door and step to the side, allowing them to pass. Not doing so could make strangers think you’re awful, which is usually fine, but that breed of awful is unacceptable.

…obscenely ancient and near-blind? Do the same because they might think you work for the store and give you a nice wrinkled dollar.

…a mom with children? Immediately walk in like The King and let the door close behind you. Don’t help her kids; they need to learn for themselves. Odds are they will be unruly so Mom won’t have time to scold you when she doesn’t understand your superior parenting skills.

…a person with a baby in a stroller? Ugh, hold the door. It’ll be awkward but watching the mess of that person trying to enter the store backwards while preventing the door from crushing the spawn would be embarrassingly worse.

…a store employee? Stand aside and wait for him to open the door for you. Maybe he'll make commission from the money you spend. Because of that possibility, he should not only hold the door open, but laud you with praises and drop rose petals as you enter like The King.

The only situation left completely up to your discretion is if you fancy the person walking toward the store. I enjoy attractive people but there’s no way I’m making my new pants and flashlight wait longer than they already have because a cute stranger is approaching. She’d probably just continue to think that chivalry is dead, and she'd probably be correct.

Besides, what would realistically happen? I’d hold the door and she’d immediately declare love? At best, I’d get a snotty look and a passive declaration of gratitude.

…

NOW, what if someone is holding the door for you???

Turn away. I’d rather be skinned than deal with that nightmare.

If I see someone about to enter a store thirty feet in front of me, I stop to do some mindless activity until the person is fully inside. There’s no way I’m witnessing that pathetic smile as someone tries to be “nice” while holding the door for me. And then I’d be expected to thank this person! ‘Gee, thanks for doing something I can easily do for myself. Want to tie my shoes next?’

Point is- Stay away from doors, even at home. Jump through open windows so each time can be a grand adventure.