The Stories Behind Christmas Carols
by Rob Cottignies
Eight of the ten most popular Christmas songs were written by Jewish people for financial profit.
These popular tunes are shrouded in drunkenness and some additional lyrics are not well-known.
There are a lot of unpleasant facts and ideas to unravel, so let’s get to it…
JINGLE BELLS
Instead of surveying hundreds of people about their favorite Christmas songs, one friend listed ‘Jingle Bells’ in her top three and that was the only statistic I needed.
She was surprised to discover the holiday favorite has so little to do with Christmas it is not mentioned once in the song.
‘Jingle Bells’ was written in the 1850s by a Confederate soldier named James Pierpont who abandoned his wife and children to race “hooked-up” sleighs, which was a popular thing back then.
(Picture The Fast & The Furious with guys on wooden boxes being pulled by horses.)
Everyone who participated in these races did so to drink profusely and pick up defenseless women.
If you find that difficult to believe, here are the complete lyrics:
‘Dashing through the snow
In a one-horse open sleigh
O’er the hills we go
Laughing all the way
Bells on bob tail ring
Making spirits bright
What sport it is to ride and sing
A sleighing song tonight
(Chorus)
Jingle bells, Jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh
Jingle bells, Jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh
A day or two ago
I thought I’d take a ride
And soon Miss Fannie Bright
Was seated by my side
The horse was lean and lank
Misfortune seemed his lot
He got into a drifted bank
And we, we got upsot
(Chorus)
A day or two ago
The story I must tell
I went out on the snow
And on my back I fell
A gent was riding by
In a one-horse open sleigh
He laughed as there I sprawling lie
But quickly drove away
(Chorus)
Now the ground is white
Do it while you’re young
Take the girls tonight
And sing this sleighing song
Just get a bob-tailed bay
Two-forty as his speed
Hitch him to an open sleigh
And crack, you’ll take the lead’
...
In summation, Jingle Bells is about drinking alcohol excessively, committing adultery, and was written by a guy who fought to keep slavery in existence.
It apparently must be stated that there is only one day of Christmas. The Hebrews have the holiday with all the days, so don't try to steal that from them.
‘The Twelve Days of Christmas’ was written by child-neglecting drunks in the Middle Ages as a memory game. Everyone would get sloppy then try to recite the entire song.
Upon inevitable failure, participants would not only have to start over, but be required to drink more Medieval eggnog between attempts.
Here is the last part of the song in which everything is mentioned:
'On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me
Twelve drummers drumming
Eleven pipers piping
Ten lords a-leaping
Nine ladies dancing
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five golden rings
Four Colly birds
Three French hens
Two turtle doves
And a partridge in a pear tree!’
...
Please notice the items below the rings- Four Colly birds. The lyric was not originally ‘calling birds’, as is commonly sung today. Colly is an old word meaning ‘black’, so this means four black birds, but for some reason (perhaps racism) it was changed in 1909.
Aside from having ‘Christmas’ in the first line of every verse, this tune has very little to do with the day and is more of an annoyingly obvious tune. Drummers drum. Pipers pipe. Swans swim.
Why was this necessary for a song?
It was not.
And, if taken literally, what would one do with all these curious and probably unwanted gifts? Aside from the rings, they all require daily upkeep and a lot of land.
This nonsensical song is more about inconvenience and greed than celebration.
GRANDMA GOT RUN OVER BY A REINDEER
How did this monstrosity become a tune happily sung by people all over the place?
In addition to encouraging excessive alcohol consumption (have you noticed a theme?), this song boasts about selfishness and a lackadaisical attitude toward familial death.
‘Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer’ was conceived by a 15-year-old boy named Arnie Tomlinson in 1943 when his grandmother was late coming over for Christmas dinner.
It took the young man little more than an hour and a dictionary to write this accidentally-foreboding song.
Later that night, when Grandma still didn't show up, the family got nervous. As Tomlinson unwittingly wrote, she was drinking eggnog until she realized she had to go to her daughter's house.
The road was icy (and so was Grandma) when she crashed into a tree, flew through the windshield, and perished alone in the cold red snow.
Arnie decided to get his song published to honor his late grandmother, which could be seen as sweet or completely disturbing and disrespectful.
For a fun fact, I made that story up. However, if you believed it to be true, that shows the uncaring, vicious nature of this holiday classic.
Here is the story in its troubling, poetic form:
‘Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas Eve
You can say there's no such thing as Santa
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe
She'd been drinking too much eggnog
And we'd begged her not to go
But she'd left her medication
So she stumbled out the door into the snow
When they found her Christmas morning
At the scene of the attack
There were hoof prints on her forehead
And incriminating Claus marks on her back
Now we're all so proud of Grandpa
He's been taking this so well
See him in there watching football
Drinking beer and playing cards with Cousin Mel
It's not Christmas without Grandma
All the family's dressed in black
And we just can't help but wonder
Should we open up her gifts or send them back?
Now the goose is on the table
And the pudding made of fig
And a blue and silver candle
That would just have matched the hair in Grandma's wig
I've warned all my friends and neighbors
"Better watch out for yourselves"
They should never give a license
To a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves
Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas eve
You can say there's no such thing as Santa
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe’
...
So, Grandma's dead. At least Grandpa is getting drunk and gambling. I guess we should return Grandma's gifts, since she won't need them, being DEAD and everything.
Also, ‘Claus marks on her back’? What did Santa do to this woman???
RUDOLPH THE RED-NOSED REINDEER
Here's an upsetting story about greed:
In 1939, the retail company Montgomery Ward asked employee Robert May to develop a promotional storybook with a Christmas theme, so he invented Rudolph, a charmingly awkward reindeer with a glowing red nose.
His booklet was a hit, with over 6 million copies handed out even though there was a paper shortage due to the impending war with Germany.
A cartoon soon followed and the story was brought into song form by a singing cowboy named Gene Autry, who sold millions of copies for his rendition and became quite wealthy.
However, since May produced the idea while working for Montgomery Ward, the company took all the credit and solely held the copyright.
Robert May was given no royalties but merely watched as his little book became a worldwide sensation while his name was being lost to History.
“And what happened to Robert May?”, you should rightfully ask.
Being too descriptive is unnecessary but the words 'penniless,' and 'alone' appear in the answer.
To give Robert May some honor, here are the lyrics to the song based on his ground-breaking pamphlet. And please do him the courtesy of not adding horrid lines such as "like Pinocchio":
‘You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen
Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen
But do you recall
The most famous reindeer of all?
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Had a very shiny nose
And if you ever saw it
You could even say it glows
All of the other reindeer
Used to laugh and call him names
They never let poor Rudolph
Join in any reindeer games
Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Santa came to say:
"Rudolph with your nose so bright
Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?"
Then how the reindeer loved him
As they shouted out with glee
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
You'll go down in history’
...
This tale promotes the idea that making fun of someone for being different is fine as long as you act kindly if you end up needing that person’s help.
Way to go.
I SAW MOMMY KISSING SANTA CLAUS
In this demented holiday abomination, a disobedient brat sneaks around his house after bedtime and witnesses his mother kissing a man other than his father.
It has been argued that the child's father was dressed up as Santa Claus and the kid was unaware, resulting in quite the cheeky tale.
No matter who it was, the child saw his mother kissing a man who was not only not his father, but a magical guy he had been fooled into loving.
(Should a life full of therapy be considered a Christmas gift?)
And what if the kid called his mom out the next morning?
‘No, no, no. The presents can wait. Now, I know I was supposed to be asleep last night but Nature called. While tip-toeing to the bathroom, I saw you, Mother, smooching with Santa Claus. Care to explain? I'm sure Daddy would love to hear all about it.’
The parents would have two options:
1) Mom comes clean.
‘Well, Balthazar, that was not Santa Claus but your father dressed in a costume we bought at the local kink shop. You probably didn't know this, but your parents are disgusting perverts who enjoy role-playing. I confessed to being very naughty and needed a Yuletide spanking.
Thankfully, you did not peek 15 minutes later, when the jingling of bells really began.
Also, Santa is not real. But you should still trust us forever.'
In this case, Balthazar feels crushed by the news that Santa Claus was nothing more than a hoax put on by two filthy degenerates who claimed to love him.
-OR-
2) Dad gets angry.
‘Well, Balthazar, thanks for telling me. That could not have been Santa because he is not real, so it was probably your mother’s Yoga teacher, Zeke, dressed up like him.
Pack up some clothes and the presents from me because everything she got you is awful. We will go to a hotel and Mommy will get served with divorce papers tomorrow because my lawyer is Jewish.
I'll explain what that means later.’
Again, Balthazar is crushed. Santa Claus is not real and the child may never get to see his parents in the same room again. Worse yet, they might shuttle him back-and-forth every week while growing up and he could turn out like the author of this article.
Either way, that and every subsequent Christmas is ruined for him.
On to the harrowing story:
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night
She didn't see me creep
Down the stairs to have a peep
She thought that I was tucked up in my bedroom fast asleep
Then I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus
Underneath his beard so snowy white
Oh, what a laugh it would have been
If Daddy had only seen
Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night.
...
What a deeply-disturbing tale disguised as ‘cute’.
THE CHRISTMAS SHOES
Not as traditional as the previous tunes but just as unnerving, this song by Christian rock band Newsong was surprisingly not meant as a joke.
Their absurd attempt to make people sad during what is supposed to be a happy season digs its own figurative grave.
Based on the same-named book by Donna VanLiere, here are the lyrics which Newsong must have hoped would bring a fresh sense of yuletide awkwardness:
‘It was almost Christmas time
There I stood in another line
Tryin' to buy that last gift or two
Not really in the Christmas mood
Standing right in front of me
Was a little boy waiting anxiously
Pacing 'round like little boys do
And in his hands he held a pair of shoes
His clothes were worn and old
He was dirty from head to toe
And when it came his time to pay
I couldn't believe what I heard him say
“Sir, I want to buy these shoes
For my Mama, please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry, sir?
Daddy says there's not much time
You see, she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes would make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful
If Mama meets Jesus tonight”
He counted pennies for what seemed like years
Then the cashier said, "Son, there's not enough here"
He searched his pockets frantically
Then he turned and he looked at me
He said "Mama made Christmas good at our house
Though most years she just did without
Tell me, Sir, what am I going to do?
Somehow, I've got to buy her these Christmas shoes.
So I laid the money down
I just had to help him out
I'll never forget the look on his face
When he said "Mama's gonna look so great"
(Chorus)
I knew I'd caught a glimpse of heaven's love
As he thanked me and ran out
I knew that God had sent that little boy
To remind me just what Christmas is all about
(Chorus, but with children singing)’
...
If I understand correctly, God gave some kid's mother cancer just to bring a stranger a weird sense of temporary pride upon purchasing her death shoes.
You have read the rest of this article and even I would not stoop so low.
And how much of a dick was that cashier?!?
…
That's probably enough holiday discomfort for this audience. The next time you sing these carols, think about what they represent instead of their jolly melodies.
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