The Stories Behind Christmas Carols

THE STORIES BEHIND CHRISTMAS CAROLS

Many of the most popular Christmas songs were written by Jewish people.

Below are a few of those, some featuring additional lyrics that are not well-known.

There are a lot of unpleasant facts and ideas to unravel, so let’s get to it…

Jingle Bells

Instead of surveying hundreds of people about their favorite Christmas songs, one friend listed ‘Jingle Bells’ in her top three and that was the only statistic I needed.

She was surprised to discover the holiday favorite has so little to do with Christmas it’s not even mentioned in the song.

‘Jingle Bells’ was written in the 1850s by a Confederate soldier named James Pierpont who abandoned his wife and children to race “hooked-up” sleighs, which was a popular thing back then.

(Picture The Fast & The Furious with guys on wooden boxes being pulled by horses.)

Everyone who participated in these races drank profusely and picked up defenseless women.

If you find that difficult to believe, here are the complete lyrics, including some verses you may not recognize:

Dashing through the snow

In a one-horse open sleigh

O’er the hills we go

Laughing all the way

Bells on bob tail ring

Making spirits bright

What sport it is to ride and sing

A sleighing song tonight

(Chorus)

Jingle bells, Jingle bells

Jingle all the way

Oh, what fun it is to ride

In a one-horse open sleigh

Jingle bells, Jingle bells

Jingle all the way

Oh, what fun it is to ride

In a one-horse open sleigh

A day or two ago

I thought I’d take a ride

And soon Miss Fannie Bright

Was seated by my side

The horse was lean and lank

Misfortune seemed his lot

He got into a drifted bank

And we, we got upsot

(Chorus)

A day or two ago

The story I must tell

I went out on the snow

And on my back I fell

A gent was riding by

In a one-horse open sleigh

He laughed as there I sprawling lie

But quickly drove away

(Chorus)

Now the ground is white

Do it while you’re young

Take the girls tonight

And sing this sleighing song

Just get a bob-tailed bay

Two-forty as his speed

Hitch him to an open sleigh

And crack, you’ll take the lead

In summation, Jingle Bells is about drinking alcohol excessively, committing adultery, and was written by a guy who fought to keep slavery in existence.

The Twelve Days Of Christmas

It must be stated that there is only one day of Christmas, although it sometimes feels like several because of all the obligations, traffic, and the soundtrack played in every shop starting immediately after Halloween, which is way too early.

Also, Die Hard is not a Christmas movie.

Also, I’ve never seen A Christmas Story.

Also, ‘Happy Holidays’ is a great thing to say.

Anyway, now that I’ve hopefully got you sufficiently angry…

‘The Twelve Days of Christmas’ was written in the Middle Ages as a memory game. Everyone would get sloppy drunk and then try to recite the entire song.

Upon inevitable failure, participants would not only have to start over, but were required to drink more Medieval eggnog between attempts.

Here is the last part of the song in which everything is mentioned:

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me

Twelve drummers drumming

Eleven pipers piping

Ten lords a-leaping

Nine ladies dancing

Eight maids a-milking

Seven swans a-swimming

Six geese a-laying

Five golden rings

Four Colly birds

Three French hens

Two turtle doves

And a partridge in a pear tree!

Imagine the noise!

Please notice the items below the rings- Four Colly birds. The lyric was not originally ‘calling birds’, as is commonly sung today. Colly is an old word meaning ‘black’, so this means four black birds, but was changed in 1909.

Why?

‘Colly’ was too old-fashioned, so the word was replaced by a more-accessible one. However, with little-to-no proof, I blame white people and their racist ways.

Aside from having ‘Christmas’ in the first line of every verse, this tune has very little to do with the day and is more of an annoyingly obvious tune. Drummers drum. Pipers pipe. Swans swim.

Why was this necessary for a song?

It was not.

And, if taken literally, what would one do with all these curious and probably unwanted gifts?

Aside from the rings, they all require daily upkeep and a lot of land.

Since nobody asked, the total number of gifts given would be 364. ‘Hey, person I supposedly care about. Here are hundreds of noisy living creatures that will require your constant attention.’

This nonsensical song is more about inconsideration and greed than celebration.

Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer

How did this monstrosity become a tune happily sung by people all over the place?

In addition to encouraging excessive alcohol consumption (have you noticed a theme?), this song promotes selfishness and a lackadaisical attitude toward familial death.

‘Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer’ was conceived by a 15-year-old named Arnie Tomlinson in 1943 when his grandmother was late coming over for Christmas dinner.

It took the young man little more than an hour and a dictionary to write this accidentally-foreboding song.

Later that night, when Grandma still didn't show up, the family got nervous. As Tomlinson unwittingly wrote, she was drinking eggnog until she realized she had to go to her daughter's house.

The road was icy (and so was Grandma) when she crashed into a tree, flew through the windshield, and perished alone in the cold red snow.

Arnie decided to get his song published to honor his late grandmother, which could be seen as sweet or completely disturbing and disrespectful.

For a fun fact, I made that story up. However, if you believed it to be true, that shows the uncaring, vicious nature of this holiday classic.

Here is the story in its troubling, poetic form:

Grandma got run over by a reindeer

Walking home from our house Christmas Eve

You can say there's no such thing as Santa

But as for me and Grandpa, we believe

She'd been drinking too much eggnog

And we begged her not to go

But she'd left her medication

So she stumbled out the door into the snow

When they found her Christmas morning

At the scene of the attack

There were hoof prints on her forehead

And incriminating Claus marks on her back

Now we're all so proud of Grandpa

He's been taking this so well

See him in there watching football

Drinking beer and playing cards with Cousin Mel

It's not Christmas without Grandma

All the family's dressed in black

And we just can't help but wonder

Should we open up her gifts or send them back?

Now the goose is on the table

And the pudding made of fig

And a blue and silver candle

That would just have matched the hair in Grandma's wig

I've warned all my friends and neighbors

"Better watch out for yourselves"

They should never give a license

To a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves

Grandma got run over by a reindeer

Walking home from our house Christmas eve

You can say there's no such thing as Santa

But as for me and Grandpa, we believe

So, Grandma's dead. At least Grandpa is drunk and gambling. I guess we should return Grandma's gifts, since she won't need them, being DEAD and everything.

Also, ‘Claus marks on her back’? What did Santa do to this woman???

Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer

Here's an upsetting story about greed:

In 1939, the retail company Montgomery Ward asked employee Robert May to develop a promotional storybook with a Christmas theme, so he invented Rudolph, a charmingly awkward reindeer with a glowing red nose.

His booklet was a hit, with over 6 million copies handed out even though there was a paper shortage due to the impending doom that was World War Two.

A cartoon soon followed, and the story was brought into song form by a singing cowboy named Gene Autry, who sold millions of copies of his rendition.

However, since May produced the idea while working for Montgomery Ward, the company took all the credit and solely held the copyright.

Robert May was given no royalties but merely watched as his little book became a worldwide sensation while his name was being lost to History.

“And what happened to Robert May?”, you should rightfully ask.

Without being too descriptive, the phrase 'died penniless and alone' should give you a nice idea of the answer.

To give Robert May some honor, here are the lyrics to the song based on his ground-breaking pamphlet. And please do him the courtesy of not adding horrid lines such as "like Pinocchio":

You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen

Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen

But do you recall

The most famous reindeer of all?

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Had a very shiny nose

And if you ever saw it

You could even say it glows

All of the other reindeer

Used to laugh and call him names

They never let poor Rudolph

Join in any reindeer games

Then one foggy Christmas Eve

Santa came to say:

"Rudolph with your nose so bright

Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?"

Then how the reindeer loved him

As they shouted out with glee

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

You'll go down in history

This tale promotes the idea that making fun of someone for being different is fine as long as you act kindly if you end up needing that person’s help.

Way to go.

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

In this demented holiday abomination, a disobedient brat sneaks around his house after bedtime and witnesses his mother kissing a man other than his father.

It has been argued that the child's father was dressed up as Santa and the kid was unaware, resulting in quite the cheeky tale.

Regardless, the child saw his mother smooching with a magical guy he had been fooled into loving.

(Can a life full of therapy be considered a Christmas gift?)

And what if the kid called his mom out the next morning?

‘No, no, no. The presents can wait. Now, I know I was supposed to be asleep last night but, as you know, I’m the worst. While creeping around, I saw you, Mother, smooching with Santa Claus. Care to explain? I'm sure Daddy would love to hear all about it.’

The parents would have two options:

1) Mom comes clean.

‘Well, Balthazar, that was not Santa Claus but your father dressed in a costume we bought at the local kink shop. You probably didn't know this, but your parents are disgusting perverts who enjoy role-playing. I confessed to being very naughty and needed a Yuletide spanking.

Thankfully, you did not peek 15 minutes later, when the jingling of bells really began.

Also, Santa is not real. But you should still trust us forever.'

In this case, Balthazar feels crushed by the news that Santa Claus was nothing more than a hoax put on by two filthy degenerates who claimed to love him.

-OR-

2) Dad gets angry.

‘Well, Balthazar, thanks for telling me. That could not have been Santa because he is not real, so it was probably your mother’s Yoga teacher, Zeke, dressed up like him.

Pack up some clothes and the presents from me because everything she got you is awful. We will go to a hotel and Mommy will get served with divorce papers tomorrow because my lawyer is Jewish. I'll explain what that means later.’

Again, Balthazar is crushed. Santa is not real and the child may never get to see his parents in the same room again. Worse yet, they might shuttle him back-and-forth every week while growing up, turning him into someone like the author of this article.

Either way, that and every subsequent Christmas is ruined for him.

On to the harrowing story:

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus 

Underneath the mistletoe last night 

She didn't see me creep 

Down the stairs to have a peep 

She thought that I was tucked up in my bedroom fast asleep 

Then I saw Mommy tickle Santa Claus 

Underneath his beard so snowy white 

Oh, what a laugh it would have been 

If Daddy had only seen 

Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night

What a deeply-disturbing tale disguised as ‘cute’.

The Christmas Shoes

Not as traditional as the previous tunes but just as unnerving, this song by Christian rock band Newsong was surprisingly not meant as a joke.

Their attempt to make people sad during what is supposed to be a happy season digs its own figurative grave.

Based on the same-named book by Donna VanLiere, here are the lyrics, which Newsong must have hoped would bring a fresh sense of yuletide awkwardness:

It was almost Christmas time

There I stood in another line

Tryin' to buy that last gift or two

Not really in the Christmas mood

Standing right in front of me

Was a little boy waiting anxiously

Pacing 'round like little boys do

And in his hands he held a pair of shoes

His clothes were worn and old

He was dirty from head to toe

And when it came his time to pay

I couldn't believe what I heard him say

“Sir, I want to buy these shoes

For my Mama, please

It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size

Could you hurry, sir?

Daddy says there's not much time

You see, she's been sick for quite a while

And I know these shoes would make her smile

And I want her to look beautiful

If Mama meets Jesus tonight”

He counted pennies for what seemed like years

Then the cashier said, "Son, there's not enough here"

He searched his pockets frantically

Then he turned and looked at me

He said “Mama made Christmas good at our house

Though most years she just did without

Tell me, Sir, what am I going to do?

Somehow, I've got to buy her these Christmas shoes.”

So I laid the money down

I just had to help him out

I'll never forget the look on his face

When he said "Mama's gonna look so great"

(Chorus)

I knew I'd caught a glimpse of Heaven's love

As he thanked me and ran out

I knew that God had sent that little boy

To remind me just what Christmas is all about

(Chorus, but with children singing)

If I understand correctly, God gave some kid's mother cancer just to bring a stranger a weird sense of temporary pride upon purchasing her death shoes.

You have read the rest of this article and even I would not stoop so low.

And how much of a dick was that cashier?!?

…

That's (probably) enough holiday discomfort for now. The next time you sing these carols, think about what they represent instead of their jolly melodies.