The Most Meat-Heady Thing I've Ever Experienced

The Most Meat-Heady Thing I've Ever Experienced
by Rob Cottignies

On the 1970s sitcom All In The Family, Archie Bunker often referred to his son-in-law as "Meat-head". This meant he was a dope and/or thick-headed. My definition of 'meat-head' is more modern, mainly meaning an alpha male jock or somebody with that attitude. Both usages imply a negative connotation, so either is fine by me.

Some years ago, a friend of mine was one of four winners in a contest to play football on the field at MetLife Stadium (then called Giants Stadium). Each winner got to bring ten friends for two recreational games followed by a buffet in a suite which probably cost more per game than each person's car.

Our first game was against the meat-head team, which I knew was the meat-head team because they were all males around the six-foot mark and in good physical shape. They were wearing matching shirts and chanting, or at least that's how I remember them. Regardless, the first part was definitely true.

The team I was on varied in physique and athletic ability, so the meat-heads had no problem scoring on almost every play-- their own and ours.

Later in the game, after they'd run up an insane score to overpower our zero points, I pulled aside the meat-head who I thought was most reasonable. I pointed out my friend and said it would make her day if she caught a pass, because she'd won the contest and her favorite team was the Giants and she was really excited about the whole thing. I was next up to be quarterback and would throw the ball to her, so I would've appreciated his team easing up on her coverage.

And this was his reply…

"You want me to throw the game!?"

The score was so lopsided that I don't think we could've caught up in the time remaining if everything went our way and the other team wasn’t on the field.

But yeah, he was worried one catch would've changed everything in the meaningless game.

As I stared in disbelief, he went back to his team's huddle. (Yes, they were huddling and planning plays, as they probably did in a stupid flag football league.) A few seconds later, their heads popped up to look at me. I remember hearing laughter but who knows for sure.

I passed the ball to my friend anyway but since they knew our play in advance, they were able to intercept it and get a touchdown in all their meat-heady glory. It was disgusting. I didn't think people like that actually existed.

To end on a nice note, the second team we played against was far less meat-heady. They varied in age and size and we were even able to score some points! The meat-heads won their second game too, crowning them champions of a non-existent league which couldn't have mattered less.

But you know what? Their egos obviously needed the wins so good for them. I just hope that now they're fat and soil their stained sweatpants all the time.