Some Things I Actually Enjoy About The Christmas Season

Six Things I Actually Enjoy About The Christmas Season
by Rob Cottignies

Believe it or else, the point of Christmas is to celebrate the life of Jesus Christ.

When he was born (likely months after December 25^th), three wise men brought him gifts.

Somehow, this holiday has gotten so mangled that we must now get gifts or at least a card for each person we have ever known for more than twelve seconds.

I have been called Grinch, Scrooge, curmudgeon, and probably other colorful names due to my Christmas-time (and all-the-time) grumpiness. I have never tried to ruin the holiday for anyone but always met it with unflappable contempt.

But enough humbuggery.

As the title spoiled, this article describes some things related to this season that I actually enjoy.

Yule love it!

Snow

(I took this picture)

I enjoy looking at, playing in, and shoveling snow, though I certainly will not remove it from your stupid property so don't even ask.

Everything looks glorious, the big flakes make for great pictures, and sometimes you can witness a fool slipping and getting hurt. Everybody wins when it snows!

It also makes me smile when people whine and complain about snow as if it doesn't happen every Winter in all of its magnificent flaky whiteness.

Unfortunately, people my age (currently 41) like to say they have “outgrown” snow because now they must shovel instead of playing in it.

I say do both!

Jump off a porch into a fresh pile of snow and I dare you to not enjoy it.

Christmas Eve (Sarajevo 12/24)

This song was made popular by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra, who released the original version on their 1995 album Dead Winter Dead. You may have seen the popular video featuring holiday lights that blink in rhythm to the song.

Unfortunately, something compellingly sad inspired this great tune.

A cellist (cello-player) who had left Sarajevo, the capital of Bosnia-Herzegovina, returned years later (in 1992) to find the city in ruins and still at war.

Amid the fighting and bombing, he climbed what was left of a fountain and began playing his cello to show that not all beauty was lost to destruction. He imagined both sides enjoying his music had they bothered to stop fighting for a moment.

This idea is represented in the song by the orchestra and heavy guitars “doing battle” with each other.

Each day for 22, he played a piece by composer Tomaso Albinoni to honor the 22 civilians killed on that spot while waiting for food hand-outs.

The hope for ending fighting failed, but his story lives on in this and many other songs written about him.

His name is Vedran Smailović.

Krampus

In Germanic folklore, Saint Nicholas brings gifts to good children every December.

Bad children, however, get to deal with his partner, a goat-like Hellbeast named Krampus. This creature arrives with a whip and chains to stuff bad kids into a bag and bring them to his lair of punishment.

It has been suggested Krampus stepped in because bratty kids were no longer afraid of a jolly man bringing them coal.

On the fifth night of each December (known as Krampusnacht), parades are held all around Europe (and other parts of the world) in which drunks dress up as insane goat-men and terrorize children into behaving well.

It is a wonderful reminder that Christmas can be both joyous and horrifying.

If you would like to learn more about Krampus and his exploits, start with this website.

(To note: The 2015 horror film called Krampus was entertaining but lacked ties to the traditional story.)

Bad Santa

Though I grew up admiring anti-heroes like Ebenezer Scrooge and the Grinch, I was always disappointed when their stories ended with the characters being nice. Sure, people can change, but those complete-180s never struck me as believable.

I would watch about ­two-thirds of the films then gleefully imagine my own unhappy endings.

But in 2003, a drunken Billy Bob Thornton stepped in to save the day.

I watched with joy as his Santa would get drunk, vomit, get drunk, steal things, get drunk, pick up questionable women, and get drunk, all while saving some time to get drunk.

I laughed and loved it but was saddened by the thought of the tale ending “nicely”.

Without ruining anything, the story finished in the most negatively happy way possible.

How could anyone not change after hanging with Thurman Merman for a few weeks!?

Add this film to your holiday list, but you should probably watch it without kids around.

Christmas Date Rape

Apparently, the actual name is this tune is ‘Baby, It’s Cold Outside’.

Frank Loesser, who wrote songs for popular plays like Guys & Dolls, would perform it with his wife, who cherishingly referred to it as “our song” until Frank greedily sold its rights for financial gain.

The song is about a woman who is trying to leave a man’s house but he keeps trying to convince her to stay with increasingly aggressive and creepy rebuttals. Lyrics such as, ‘Hey, what’s in this drink?’ clue the listener in on the guy’s nefarious intentions.

While I am no fan of date rape, the subject being so overt in a popular noel amuses me greatly.

DMX Owning Rudolph

We all know that DMX- the heavy metal of rap- can make any situation better.

But could he possibly improve a beloved decades-old holiday tune? Well, see for yourself.

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I hope you appreciated this possibly-unexpected list of Christmas-related things I like (and the odd paragraph alignment, which I had no control over). Perhaps you now have some insight to my view of the holiday.

For a more-expected list, here are some things I do not enjoy about the Christmas season: eggnog, parents lying to their trusting children, greed, people who insist Die Hard is a Christmas movie, increased traffic, obligatory gifts, commercials that use the melodies of carols to sell their stupid products, icicle lights, and the murdering of oxygen-giving pine trees.

Happy Holidays, you filthy animals.

Get Rid Of Cemeteries

Get Rid Of Cemeteries
by Rob Cottignies

Imagine you're homeless because you lost your job and can no longer afford housing. You're walking the streets, eating fast food wrappers, when you spot an open area of land which looks unused except for stones scattered all over the place. You worked in construction, so you go to the office and suggest building some kind of housing on the property. You say that you’re able to get a crew together, plan everything, and would work for free as long as a living unit would be yours at the end.

The person in charge of the property would have to tell you- with a serious face- that breathing people cannot live on the land because it's reserved for the dead. You’d then have to do everything in your power to not add that person to the underground community.

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Upon the cease of bodily life, many people pay many dollars for many loved ones to be inserted into expensive boxes which will be lowered into the ground and covered with dirt so body and box can both rot, never to be seen again. What an archaic, depressing, ugly ritual that renders the land useless.

A bunch of years ago in Africa, some pyramids were erected. These massive structures were each built for one dead ruler, who was wrapped up and shut into a secret room filled with riches. How was the room secret? Slaves were mainly responsible for building the Pyramids, burying the pharaoh within, then booby-trapping the rooms and halls on their way out to prevent thieves from entering the tomb. To keep the secrets intact, these slaves and other unlucky workers were then violently murdered and thrown into mass graves, which were a fraction of the size of the Pyramids yet held hundreds of bodies.

It was eventually decided that neither of these methods- hundreds in a mass grave or a giant tomb for one person- was acceptable. Thus, an odd combination of the two came to be.

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Why do people go to cemeteries? Driven by faith or not, most want to 'visit' their deceased relatives and friends. Some talk out loud, assuming the person's spirit can hear them.

Isn't it weird to think of your loved ones' spirits just hanging around their former Earthly bodies, waiting for someone to drop by? And if you believe people can hear you in the afterlife, why couldn't you just speak to them from any location? What a curious vision of the next world some people have.

Some of these visitors even purchase blankets for the graves when the weather gets cold. I can’t even pretend to understand that idea, but kudos to whoever makes money off it.

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My suggestion is to eliminate at least 99% of all cemeteries. This is a fairly simple (if expensive and time-consuming) idea which could benefit a large portion of people.

Some ideas for how to replace cemeteries are affordable housing, agriculture, parks, and gardens. Even a golf course has more value than a cemetery, and better pants. Just use the land for something instead of nothing.

Regarding housing, some people would have a problem living on a former cemetery because the buildings might be “haunted” by the previous “residents”. As comedian Jimmy Carr once said, “It's actually easy to tell if your house is haunted. It isn't.” Besides, if a person with no home refuses to live somewhere because of superstition, that person deserves to sleep in terrible places and eat fast food wrappers.

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Critics of my idea might say things such as, ‘But what about the jobs cemeteries provide?’ or ‘People who believe in cemeteries would be upset’ or ‘What would we do with the bodies?’

In order: Plenty of other jobs exist, tell them it’s time to act like adults, and utilize them! Bones could be fashioned into hunting gear or art, hair could be given to those without any, and the meat could be eaten. Yes, by humans. Humanity has a starvation problem and one solution would be cooking the dead. Cannibalism may be taboo according to many cultures but I don't think a starving person would turn down a bowl of human soup.

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Here are some alternative ideas of what to do with your body once your brain deems it useless:

1)      Get ground up and planted as a tree! Can you sit under a tombstone and read? Can you fall out of a plot marker? Does a mausoleum go through photosynthesis, thus creating life-giving oxygen for live people to breathe?

To get started, go to this website.

2)      Have a Viking funeral! The body in question is placed on a wooden craft and tastefully decorated by loved ones and adoring fans. Craft and body are then set ablaze and pushed off to sea, to be observed until all are consumed. Then, hopefully, there is a wild beach party in the deceased's honor. Wood, air, fire, water- wonderfully elemental.

3)      Volunteer for your body to be eaten by something! (I actually wrote that as another option but as an insult it's a great suggestion if you'd like to go do that right now.)

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Cemeteries also give florists a lot of business. A suggestion for them would be to petition Hallmark to invent another holiday (like they did with Valentine’s Day) to boost their flower sales.

How much death must cemeteries consume, anyway? Weeping people lay flowers six feet above their person's rotting corpse, but what happens to the flowers? They become rotting flora-corpses. The same thing happens to all the arrangements delivered to funeral homes. The death of one human causes other humans to kill hundreds or thousands of plants. Zennists believe in balance. This is a great example of the opposite.

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The biggest question I have about cemeteries is: ‘What happens when they're all full?’ It's mathematically inevitable. And really, what then? Earth's population is only increasing and more living bodies means more dead bodies. Will the world be overrun with cemeteries? Will people be dug up and removed according to burial date or importance? If the latter, who decides?

This topic can be disturbing to think about but I think it's important. If humanity can agree on nothing else, let’s value living people more than the dead.

Stop the tired practice of cemeteries and simply honor those who’ve passed with pictures and memories. Yes, in your brains. Don’t be afraid to use them.

My Literal War

My ‘Literal’ War
by Rob Cottignies

There is a hideous plague contaminating society, which is not spread via air nor physical contact, but by everyday eyesight and speech. Some blame the schools. Some blame the internet. Some blame texting. Some blame Texas!

While I’m always in favor of blaming Texas, the problem is even more alarming than our second-biggest state. (Go Alaska!)

Many people routinely commit the written equivalent of manslaughter to spelling, and punctuation has been *figuratively* thrown into the heart of a tornado to be painfully ripped apart and scattered to the depths of places that make no sense.

While grammatical heroes like Lynn Truss (author of Eats, Shoots & Leaves) brave that battle, I turn to a simple word which is misused and horribly abused on a daily basis.

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The word 'literally’, in a literal sense, literally means 'in a literal sense’. Word-for-word. The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but. Someone at work asked me to give him a hand. I took him literally and now I'm in prison for aggravated dismemberment. If you claim to have literally slept for a week, I’m going to assume that you (unfortunately) just woke up from a coma.

That's all it means.

I’ve heard my share of the word used for emphasis when it actually discredited the entire thought.

For example, “I was so hungry that I literally ate my dinner in five seconds.” No, you didn’t. I guarantee it took you longer than five seconds.

This word which means full truth was used in a lie, and I don’t appreciate that.

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Regarding emphasis, ‘literally’ is often not quite incorrect, but unnecessary.

I frequently hear people use the word in practically every other sentence and it makes no sense at all. 'I woke up late so I *literally* had to go right to work.' Experience leads me to believe you did at least three things before you left for work, but since I don't care at all, I believe you. Omit the word in question and your story does not become any less boring.

I think the word 'literally' can only be used properly when discussing translation. The German phrase 'Scheiße von Stier' literally translates into English as 'Shit of bull’, which means ‘bullshit’, which is what you are facetiously full of when you literally misuse this word.

Please make more of an effort to respect our language. Stop using words whose meanings you do not know. Don’t arbitrarily throw words into your sentences because that’s what people are doing. And exaggeration can be great, but don’t be excessive with it.

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Comedian David Cross once said, "When you misuse the word 'literally’, you are using it in the exact opposite way it was intended."

Can a word lose its meaning just because people misuse it often enough?

In recent years, certain dictionaries have added a definition to the ‘literally’ entry. Quoting merriam-webster.com, this second meaning is, ‘in effect; virtually’, which renders the term useless, since its two definitions are OPPOSITES of each other.

Can a stop sign be both red and not red???

Without getting into a crazy philosophical discussion (which I am willing to do), something cannot be something AND not be that same something. Schrödinger be damned!

(“When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar!” Very funny.)

This dictionarial™ addition happened simply because people were using the word horribly.

I know words tend to change meanings in living languages but I’ve never heard of this. I’m wondering if I start calling fire trucks ‘buggiblops’ and it catches on like an insanely infectious disease, would it too be added to the dictionary?

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Here are some examples ‘literally’ abuses, which add complexity to the word's already-tarnished nature:

I got a text message which read, ‘This happened for real, not literally.’ This friend of mine regularly throws 'literally' around like a dog flinging a giant string toy.

That misuse perplexed me because it used the word to negate what it actually means.

There are probably wormholes and string theories all around the phrase, rendering it both useless and mind-blowing, but I’m not a physicist. Or maybe I am “literally” a physicist, which at this point could mean whatever you’d like.

The second misuse was overheard in a bar: "That deli literally wrote the book on how to be a good deli."

This one knocked me on the floor. (Figuratively.) I was baffled upon hearing the statement, so I broke it down into three sections:

1) APPLAUSE: "...literally wrote the book..." Yes! This is how one would write a book! Literally! Literature! Fantastic! In my unprofessional opinion, the word was used correctly in this part of the sentence.

2) NON-EXISTENCE: "...the book on how to be a good deli." There is no book and you should know that I certainly checked. Since it’s book-related, did I literally check? Aaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!

There are books about how to run a successful restaurant and give good customer service, but not one specifically about being a good deli. I can excuse this though since a little exaggeration never killed anyone except some cat and that’s fine because cats are stupid.

3) IMPOSSIBLE- "That deli literally wrote..." No, it didn't. A delicatessen is a store with walls, windows, a door or two, counters, refrigerators, et cetera. Not one of these things can have a sentient thought, let alone scribble said unreal idea on some form of paper.

The employees can have thoughts, but the statement was not about a deli owner or worker. It was devised to make me think that A DELI WROTE A BOOK. No! Stop it!!!

For another example of misuse, I direct your attention to a little stick-legged dog named Pete (R.I.P.).

Upon meeting him, I heard somebody exclaim the following verbal vomit: "His name is Pete? I literally just met another dog named Pete. Literally Pete."

The first use of the sad and abused L word has unfortunately become acceptable, but the second was completely inappropriate, ridiculous, and obviously wrong. IT’S NOT AN ADJECTIVE!!!! I had to go into another room because I’m a coward who doesn’t confront people in real life even when their manner of speaking offends me.

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I have some anti-literally allies and we have discussed several times that we may be witnessing the evolution of a word, like how 'island' is a shortened form of 'isolated land'. That's why it contains that crazy S. (Perhaps you should note I made that up, but doesn't it seem right? Maybe it is. Tell your friends. I bet nobody will call you out.)

Perhaps my friends and I don't know what 'literally' means even though we've done extensive research on the topic and have absolutely no doubt that we are hearing it misused daily.

One anti-literally ally traced back to what he thinks was the cause of this 'literally' phenomenonsense™- actor Paul Rudd. Apparently he molested the word in some way in a movie. I enjoy Paul Rudd but I cannot forgive this even though he was just acting.

If you see Paul Rudd, punch him in the face. Tell him why and I believe he'll appreciate your reason for violence. My theory is that each time Paul Rudd gets punched in the face, one person will forget that the word 'literally' exists and never use it again. Paul Rudd will have to receive thousands of punches in the face for this word to dissipate to an acceptable level but I think it's worth it. Sorry, Paul Rudd. Once more- punch Paul Rudd in the face. Paul Rudd.

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What I would like is for people on my side in this war to completely destroy the word. I know this is being done anyway, but I’m talking about a different breed of savagery.

Go to a butcher shop and ask for fifteen pounds of sliced literally.

Tell a friend that a nearby tree is literally.

Introduce yourself with ‘My literally name is Rob’, even and especially if your name isn’t Rob.

Tell your manager that you literally did a literally job.

Beat the life out of this word so it can’t even be disguised as making sense by some Redcoat dictionary. Use it as an adjective, noun, verb, or even a part of speech that doesn’t exist.

This poor word is running through a gauntlet of eternal misery.

Each time I conquer an incorrect usage, a newer one is lurking around the corner with a battle axe. If a building exploded each time ‘literally’ was used improperly, we’d all be homeless. It’s being thrown around like a live grenade covered with sub-par analogies.

I’ve accepted that this abuse will likely increase to a clinically-maddening level, but I’m still going to fight the good fight. I believe ‘literally’ will be used only for translation once again.

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This whole thing reminds me of another word which has been flagrantly misused: ‘Anymore.’

For knowledge’s sake, this word must be preceded by some kind of negative. I don’t set people on fire anymore. The statement clearly shows that I formerly engaged in bodily arson, but for various reasons I no longer partake.

This grammatical assault was more common a few years ago, when I overheard a man in Punxsutawney say, “It’s all bullshit anymore”. His wordage was incorrect, but I did and still do agree with his sentiment. Literally.

Please Allow Me To Bump Thee

Please Allow Me To Bump Thee
by Rob Cottignies

There I was, driving slowly like a grandma, when I was distracted by a complete sentence. It was political in nature with a “clever” slogan that probably was not even funny years ago when it was relevant.

While reading this novel, I looked up to see the bold red of brake lights and could not stop in time.

Smash, boom, shatter, crunch. Onomatopoeia.

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This tragic situation occurs all the time. (Well, probably not and never to me, even though I just claimed it did, but it *could* happen.)

And if it did, who would be at fault? Not a person, but an object. A fiendish, apathetic, carcinogenic bumper sticker.

Why do these things still exist?

I have tried to think of things more useless and awful than bumper stickers. Yogurt, non-alcoholic beer, running into a wall, the Twilight movies. All somehow more useful.

Bumper stickers are awful and I almost want to get into politics just to ban them.

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For your entertainment and education, here is my list of the six most obnoxious ones:

26.2
Running a marathon is impressive; bragging about it is not, especially in such a smug way.

This car climbed Mount Whatever
It would be mildly more interesting if you had climbed the mountain, fallen off, gotten eaten by a bear, and were not in front of me on the highway.

Political stickers
What if your candidate loses? What if your candidate wins? What if that election happened years ago? What if I don’t care? Go honk yourself.

Proud parent…
I would not have a problem with these if that was all they said.

COEXIST
Though I agree with the message, I cannot stand people who slap stickers on their Subarus and think they can change the world by making themselves feel better.

Stick families
I probably do not need to explain what these are but here it is anyway:

People put a sequence of decals on their minivans. The left decal is usually a grown male stick figure holding a briefcase or bowling ball or some other stupid thing. Next to that, a female stick figure is baking a pie or just standing there in a dress. Next to that is at least one smaller stick figure with a piece of sports equipment and a really big weird unnatural Charlie Brown smile. Next to that or them, a decal or decals of a dog and/or cat.

These are collectively supposed to represent the driver’s family.

Sometimes there are names under the decals, denoting specific family members. DADDY, MOMMY, BRYCE, SUZI, TREVOR, SPOTS, and WHISKERS.

When the figures are wearing Mickey Mouse ears, side effects my include immediate vomiting.

These decals make me angry because they are pointless, but really because I am jealous of such a simple, stupid idea that was so successful.

Dishonorable mention goes to the following bumper stickers:
-Keep Christ In Christmas
-sports team logos
-ones that say what the driver would rather be doing than driving
-those silhouettes of the cartoon kid peeing on a company’s logo or whatever other nonsense you have to slap onto your pick-up truck

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Perhaps this is outdated, but these ‘Honk if you…’ stickers are an absolute menace.

Honking of the horn is exclusively for one of these purposes: 1) to alert the driver in front of you the traffic light has turned green, 2) to make a driver aware that his or her vehicle is getting uncomfortably close to yours, or 3) if you’re listening to The Heart Of Rock And Roll by Huey Lewis & The News. (You know the part.)

Do not arbitrarily honk all over the place because you listen to stickers and like a band or know someone with cancer or tongue-in-cheekily hate loud noises.

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The second-to-last thing I’ll mention is usually not a sticker but often gets stuck to the backs of unlucky cars: Baby On Board.

What am I supposed to do with this information? Not hit you? I was already doing that but now the idea is more tempting.

Also, because I am a bit demented, I have looked into vehicles with this placard in the window and not seen a baby. Annoying first, lying second. Do they really need a third strike?

Yes. A swift bat to the forehead.

To be fair, this decal's intended purpose is aimed not at me but at people who might happen upon the vehicle if it crashes and the driver is knocked unconscious, alerting them that a baby might be inside.

Though a noble idea, that does not make it less obnoxious, like getting bitten by a puppy. It's understandable but still hurts.

(Did that analogy work? Was it even necessary?)

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To end on a nice note, there is one bumper sticker which is worth the time: How’s My Driving?

Almost every commercial vehicle has this question and a phone number on its rear, and I say great. I have called these numbers, both when cut off by a maniac and after following a courteous, careful driver. Sadly, the operator gets very confused when you call to praise the latter.

Stop spreading your meaningless opinions on your car. Isn’t that the purpose of blogs?