Thursday, January 29, 2015

Wicked Not Awesome


Wicked Not Awesome
by Rob Cottignies

Some people without brains do an awful lot of talking, don't they?

I lost a bet.

But first, some back story…

My friend Mike loves almost everything. He gets giddy at the very mention of Sasquatch, shakes with excitement over ordering martinis in spite of hating them, and buys endless memorabilia of orange-colored sports teams. He's a special guy, this Mike.

I said Mike loves almost everything because there is a song he absolutely detests. You, dear reader, are undoubtedly familiar with this tune and probably downright love it because it is wonderful. Of course, I’m talking about Love Shack by The B-52's.

What a feel-good song and video. A dance party where everyone is dressed handsomely, a great big car, some woman in a bathtub watching indentured servants work in the yard. Can you watch that video and not smile? Probably not, but Mike sure can.

And now, another back story…

Some years ago, Mike decided it would be a great idea to discuss Broadway during an NFL tailgate. This went on for hours and was primarily about Wicked, which is apparently the best play ever.

***SPOILER ALERT***
(Do I really have to put this here? Has anyone not seen The Wizard Of Oz?)

The Wizard Of Oz is one of the most popular movies in film's great history and the play Wicked is its ‘prequel’.

But wait a second…

How can there be a prequel to The Wizard Of Oz, which is about a girl getting knocked unconscious then having an elaborate dream and learning a moral or two at the end?

It must be a documentary-style film about farm life in rural Kansas. Perhaps it shows the three guys getting hired at the farm and how the Gale family got that little jerk Toto. Or maybe it portrays how Uncle Henry and Auntie Em met. Why is Dorothy living with her aunt and uncle instead of her parents? Whoa, can't wait to find out!!!

Oh, it's about the wicked witch? You mean Miss Gulch? Alright, I've always wondered why she was so cranky. Let's have it…

But instead of something which might make sense, Wicked tells the story of how Glinda (the good witch) grew up with the wicked witch (supposedly named Elphaba, though that has changed throughout the years).

Like me, you should be wondering how there could be a prequel to a girl's dream. Dorothy’s unconscious imagination invented these characters, so how could they have backstories?


Let’s return to the tailgate, where Mike and I debated respectively and respectfully over Wicked being a worthy addition to the story even though its storyline was completely illogical. Much to the amusement of those in our company, the contest went on and on with no mutually agreeable conclusion. That storm still rages today, and we've been best friends since first grade.

Long story short…

Regarding the bet I lost, the Penguins I liked were playing the Islanders, who Mike supported because of his affinity for sub-par orange teams.

We’d usually wager a dollar for fun but had grown weary of betting pretend money, so he suggested that if the Islanders won, I would have to see the Wicked movie with him.

Confident in the Penguins' abilities, I accepted and countered that if his Islanders lost, he would have to sing and dance to Love Shack at karaoke one night.

We shook hands and our fate was left up to athletic strangers. The game in question started out great but ended horribly when the Penguins decided to stop trying. They, and therefore I, lost.

I am doomed to see Wicked.


I've never seen the play nor do I remember its details from Mike's ramblings but I’ve heard that it's quite lovely.

That's not the point, though.

My postulation is that Wicked, along with Return To Oz, Oz The Great And Powerful, The Wiz, and whatever other additions to the story are all bogus. The Wizard Of Oz explained what happened perfectly- Dorothy got knocked out, had a dream which included likenesses of people she knew, and woke up after she had gotten the point of it.

Like Biggie once said, it was all a dream. Imaginary. No start, no end; just what she and only she saw in her head. That’s how a dream works. Dream dream dream. I recently did a crossword puzzle and the clue for 36-down was: 'Dorothy's visit to Oz, for example'. The answer was five letters long. Get me?

The only way for Wicked to exist would be if Dorothy dreamt that up as well, but according to Mike, she is not even mentioned in this story.

A sports team caused me to lose a bet and now I must angrily sit through a movie which already makes absolutely no sense to me. I also realized too late that I was dopey enough to bet a five-minute song against a full-length movie. On the bright side, the release date keeps getting pushed back so perhaps it will never come out.

(I wrote this years ago and the movie is still yet to come to fruition. Fingers crossed!)


Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Uncommon Scents

Uncommon Scents
by Rob Cottignies



(This is meant to be read in a deep, corny advertising voice.
Think Phil Hartman as Troy McClure on The Simpsons.)


Hello, friends!

Do you like smelling things? Do you also have an affinity for fire? If you enjoy both, you have probably tried candles before.

We here at the Yankee Candle Company figured out a way to get everyday scents into wax form and put them into over-priced glass jars!

Hopefully, you are already familiar with our popular scents like Macintosh, Edelweiss, and Pink Sands.

But did you know we also carry entirely nonsensical fragrances, like Catching Rays and Afternoon Escape?

Along those lines, have you ever wondered what a magical frosted forest would smell like? Thanks to us, you can find out!

Happening upon magical forests can be tricky and often completely impossible because they do not exist. And a frosted one?!? Lots of luck there.

No need to search vast wastelands simply for a scent-- just buy our Magical Frosted Forest candle! It smells just like a forest which has been frosted with a little drop of magic because that is realistically possible.

Want more? We have a scented candle for everybody:

For the rock 'n'/or rollers, Poolside Oasis smells just like chlorine mixed with a band that desperately tried to be The Beatles!

Wine snobs will love Vineyard’s distinct aroma of rotten grapes!

And if you cannot get enough laundry, we have several scents to satisfy your desire to smell clean clothes even after putting them away!

These candles are part of our… wait for it… Laundry Line!

Sheer Linen, Soft Blanket, and Fluffy Towels should quench your thirst to do chores until the next load of filthy garments.

If you prefer your laundry with a side of intangibility, Fresh Comfort and Soft And Cozy will be sure to please.

A while back, our founder, Michael Kittredge, discovered a teenage girl weeping in a field.

(Why he was in a field searching for a teenage girl is irrelevant.)

This young lass was crying and holding the stem of a petal-less flower because she had just been playing He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not and sadly ended on a Not petal.

Instead of consoling the sobbing girl, Michael bravely bottled her tears with a healthy dose of her insecurity to create what would become our Loves Me, Loves Me Not candle.

It smells exactly like heartbreak!

Do you enjoy the sky? Of course you do!

For those of you who look up sometimes, we offer Blue Summer Sky, Midnight Sky, and Turquoise Sky because the sky is an actual entity that produces not just one but several natural scents.

Here are some more candle names followed by what they actually and truly and authentically smell like:

Beautiful Day- fresh air and trees with a hint of Irish smugness

Wedding Day- drunk uncles and horrible music

Storm Watch- watching a storm

Camouflage- sweat and shrapnel

Early Sunrise- the exact opposite of the familiar aroma of a late sunrise

Because we like you, we are going to let you in on a special candle secret.

If you light Over The River and Under The Palms at the same time, you get the scent of Limbo followed by a whiff of utter nothingness!!!

At this point, you might be saying, 'But what about America? Does the Yankee Candle Company care about the troops?'

Well, friends, apparently you missed our Camouflage candles.

One entire thousandth of every dollar from each small version of Camouflage sold goes directly to Soldiers Who Sneeze, a for-profit organization which pretends to help veterans suffering from the rare post-traumatic disorder that constantly makes them seek out and sniff black pepper.

But one candle cannot be enough scentiment for this great nation.

From our Rah Rah America Collection, we bring you Stars And Stripes, Let Freedom Ring, and of course, God Bless America. These candles bring to life actual smells from The Great Depression, The Civil War, and other memorable American standards.

If there is one thing Americans love as much as patriotism, it is Christmas.

For this very reason, we created an absurd line of Christmas candles, but since Yuletide can be a time of over-indulgence, we have limited our scents to these select few:

All Is Bright, Build A Snowman, Candy Cane Lane, Celebrate Christmas, Christmas Candy, Christmas Cookie, Christmas Eve, Christmas Morning Punch, Christmas Tree, Christmas Wishes, Christmas Wreath, Frosty Gingerbread, Holiday Garland, Holiday Home Sweet Home, Holiday Homecoming, Home For The Holidays, Jack Frost, Let It Snow, Merry Marshmallow, Mistletoe, Midnight Mistletoe, North Pole, Santa’s Cookies, Season Of Peace, Singing Carols, Sleigh Bells Ring, Welcome Christmas, White Christmas, and Yuletide Spice.

To avoid confusion, Holiday Homecoming smells like traffic and Grandma while Home For The Holidays wafts the scent of gridlock and Grandpa.

These subtle differences are what make our holiday candles truly wondrous.

As a fair and inclusive company, please do not think we pass on making money from our Jewish friends. For Hanukkah, we made one and only one candle called Festival Of Lights, which smells like spinning wooden toys while not eating ham.

Did you know 77% of Americans believe in angels?

Our Angel's Wings candle has the heavenly aroma of actual Heaven while Sparkling Angel reminds you of just how foolish you really are.

In the grand tradition of grand traditions, we have saved the best for last:

A few years ago, Yankee Candle was challenged to create a candle that smelled of hasenpfeffer. Without boasting at all, we completely and absolutely nailed it. Slaughtered rabbit, onions, potatoes, green beans- our candle had them all.

The scent was so realistic that some of us even ate the wax with limited happiness and maximum bowel irritation!

Naturally, we marketed our Hasenpfeffer candle’s label with an actual picture of a screaming young rabbit being boiled alive. While the scent was spot-on, the candles did not sell so well because the sight of a screaming young rabbit being boiled alive bothered a few people for some unknown reason.

We then formed an unnecessarily-expensive think tank to determine how to market our newest product and came up with three conclusions:

1) The word 'bunny' is much friendlier than 'rabbit' or that icky German word 'hasen'

2) There are too many Fs in the word ‘pfeffer’

3) Everyone likes cake

After thousands of hours and millions of dollars, the Yankee Candle Company was proud to present Bunny Cake to the masses.

The label now features a delicious-looking cake shaped in the form of an adorable cartoonish bunny.

Fret not though, friends, for each time you light the candle, you will undoubtedly remind yourself of a screaming young rabbit being boiled alive.

In the near-future, please keep a nose out for our new candle-tastic fragrances like Terrifying Basement, Awkward Laughter, Bubonic Plague, and Elevator Fart.

Thank you for your time and keep on smelling!

***DISCLAIMER***

Because lawsuits happen, the author would like to say he is in no way affiliated with the Yankee Candle Company.

Also, the stories about the girl in the field and the rabbit were completely (but cleverly) made up, as were *some* of the scents described.

So there. Leave me alone.