Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Uncommon Scents

Uncommon Scents
by Rob Cottignies



            Say, friends, do you enjoy smelling things? Do you also have an affinity for fire? If you like both, you've probably tried candles before. If you don't, keep reading anyway because this will hopefully start to get funny.
            We here at the Yankee Candle Company figured out a way to get everyday scents into wax form and put them into over-priced glass jars! Hopefully you are already familiar with regulars such as Apple Cider, Edelweiss, and Banana Nut Bread. But did you know we carry an entire line of completely nonsensical fragrances, like Drift Away and Moonlight?
            If you've ever said, 'I wonder what a magical frosted forest would smell like', have I got some great news. Thanks to us, you can now find out! Happening upon magical forests can be tricky and often quite completely out of the question because they don't exist. And a frosted one!? Phew, lots of luck. But no need to search vast wastelands simply for a scent- just buy our Magical Frosted Forest candle! It smells just like a forest that's been frosted, with a little drop of magic.
            Want more? That's why I'm here! We've got a scented candle for everybody:
            Like rock 'n' roll? November Rain smells just like a shrill voice mixed with cigarettes!
            Like beer? On Tap has a distinct sort-of beer odor which should never ever ever be present in any beer ever!
            Like laundry? We've got several aromas to appease your need to smell chores even when you're done with them. They're all part of our (get this…) Laundry Line! Country Linen, Soft Blanket, and Fluffy Towels should help get you through your exciting to-do list. If you prefer your laundry with a side of intangibility, Fresh Comfort and Soft And Cozy will be sure to please, in whatever way they smell.
            A while back, our founder, Michael Kittredge, came across a teenage girl weeping in a field. Why he was looking for a teenage girl in a field is irrelevant. This young lass was crying and holding the stem of a petal-less flower. Mister Kittredge asked the gal what was wrong and she replied that she'd just been playing He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not and sadly ended on a Not petal. Instead of doing something useless like consoling the sobbing teenager, Michael bravely bottled her tears with a healthy dose of her insecurity to make what would become our Loves Me, Loves Me Not candle. It smells exactly like heartbreak! Try it!
            Do you enjoy the sky? Of course you do! We all love the sky! Excuse me while I kiss it. For those of you who look up, we have Blue Summer Sky, Midnight Sky, and Turquoise Sky. You know, because the sky is an actual entity that produces not just one but several natural scents.
            Here are some more random scent names followed by what they actually smell like:
            Beautiful Day- fresh air and trees with a hint of Irish smugness.
            Wedding Day- drunk uncles and horrible music.
            Storm Watch- waiting... for a storm.
            Camouflage- sweat and shrapnel.
            Early Sunrise- the direct opposite of the all-too-familiar aroma of a late sunrise.
            Also, because I like you, I'm going to let you in on a special candle secret- If you light both Over The River and Under The Palms at the same time, you get Limbo followed by confusion and an aroma of utter nothingness!!!
            At this point, you might be saying, 'But what about America? Doesn't the Yankee Candle Company care about the troops?'
            Well, friends, apparently you missed our Camouflage candles. One entire thousandth of one whole percent of the profit from each candle sold goes directly to Soldiers Who Sneeze, a for-profit organization that pretends to help veterans with the rare post-traumatic disorder that constantly makes them seek out and sniff black pepper. But of course one candle isn't enough scentiment for this great nation. From our Rah Rah America Collection, we bring you Stars And Stripes, Let Freedom Ring, and of course, God Bless America. These candles bring to life actual smells from The Great Depression, The Civil War, Watergate, and many other memorable American standards.
            Along these lines, we know if there's one thing Americans love, it's Christmas. That is precisely why we created our inane line of Christmas-scented candles. Christmas can be a time of over-indulgence, so we've limited our scents to just these select few: Build A Snowman, Candy Cane Lane, Celebrate Christmas, Christmas Candy, Christmas Cookie, Christmas Eve, Christmas Tree, Christmas Wreath, Gingerbread, Holiday Garland, Holiday Home Sweet Home, Holiday Homecoming, Home For The Holidays, Jack Frost, Let It Snow, Merry Marshmallow, Mistletoe, North Pole, Season Of Peace, Sleigh Bells Ring, Welcome Christmas, White Christmas, and Yuletide Spice. Now, please don't confuse Holiday Homecoming with Home For The Holidays. The first one smells just like traffic and Grandma while the latter has the distinct scent Grandma and traffic. Throw in the essence of greedy children and you've got a veritable cornucopia of Yuletide delight! It's these subtle differences that make our holiday candles truly wondrous. As a fair and totally unbiased company, don't think we don't want to make money off of our Jewish friends. For Hanukkah, we made one and only one candle called Festival Of Lights (thanks, Adam!), which smells like wooden spinning tops and not pork and whatever else you people like to do.
            Speaking of magic, did you know that 77% of Americans believe in angels? Our Angel's Wings candle has the heavenly aroma of actual Heaven while Sparkling Angel reminds you of just how stupid you really are.
            In the grand tradition of grand traditions, we have saved the best for last. A few years back, Yankee Candle was challenged to create a candle that smelled of hasenpfeffer. Without boasting too much, it should come as no surprise that we completely nailed it in every sense possible. Rabbit, onions, potatoes, green beans- our candle had them all. Some of us even ate the wax with limited success and maximum bowel irritation. Anyway, we marketed our Hasenpfeffer candle with a picture of a screaming young rabbit being boiled alive on the jar. While the scent was spot-on, our Hasenpfeffer candles did not sell well because evidently the sight of a screaming young rabbit being boiled alive bothered a few people. So we formed a think tank to determine how to market our newest product and it came up with two conclusions: 1) The word 'bunny' is much friendlier than 'rabbit' or 'hasen', which is German for 'hare'; and 2) Everyone likes cake! Voila! So after thousands of hours and millions of dollars, the Yankee Candle Company was proud to present Bunny Cake to the masses. The new picture selected was a delicious-looking cake shaped in the form of an adorable cartoonish bunny. Fret not though, friends, for the scent of the candle will always be able to remind you of a screaming young rabbit being boiled alive.
            In the near-future, please be sure to look for our new fragranced candles, such as Terrifying Basement, Awkward Laughter, Bubonic Plague, and Elevator Fart.
            Thank you for your time and keep on smelling!


DISCLAIMER:
***Because I probably should include this, I am in no way affiliated with the Yankee Candle Company. Also, I completely (but cleverly) made up the stories about the girl in the field and the rabbit. So there. Leave me alone.***

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