(This is meant to be read in a deep, corny advertising
voice.
Think Phil Hartman as Troy McClure on The Simpsons.)
Hello, friends!
Do
you like smelling things? Do you also have an affinity for fire? If you enjoy
both, you have probably tried candles before.
We
here at the Yankee Candle Company figured out a way to get everyday scents into
wax form and put them into over-priced glass jars!
Hopefully,
you are already familiar with our popular scents like Macintosh, Edelweiss, and
Pink Sands.
But
did you know we also carry entirely nonsensical fragrances, like Catching Rays
and Afternoon Escape?
Along
those lines, have you ever wondered what a magical frosted forest would smell
like? Thanks to us, you can find out!
Happening
upon magical forests can be tricky and often completely impossible because they
do not exist. And a frosted one?!? Lots of luck there.
No
need to search vast wastelands simply for a scent-- just buy our Magical
Frosted Forest candle! It smells just like a forest which has been frosted with
a little drop of magic because that is realistically possible.
…
Want
more? We have a scented candle for everybody:
For
the rock 'n'/or rollers, Poolside Oasis smells just like chlorine mixed with a
band that desperately tried to be The Beatles!
Wine
snobs will love Vineyard’s distinct aroma of rotten grapes!
And
if you cannot get enough laundry, we have several scents to satisfy your desire
to smell clean clothes even after putting them away!
These
candles are part of our… wait for it… Laundry Line!
Sheer
Linen, Soft Blanket, and Fluffy Towels should quench your thirst to do chores
until the next load of filthy garments.
If
you prefer your laundry with a side of intangibility, Fresh Comfort and Soft
And Cozy will be sure to please.
…
A
while back, our founder, Michael Kittredge, discovered a teenage girl weeping
in a field.
(Why
he was in a field searching for a teenage girl is irrelevant.)
This
young lass was crying and holding the stem of a petal-less flower because she
had just been playing He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not and sadly ended on a
Not petal.
Instead
of consoling the sobbing girl, Michael bravely bottled her tears with a healthy
dose of her insecurity to create what would become our Loves Me, Loves Me Not
candle.
It
smells exactly like heartbreak!
…
Do
you enjoy the sky? Of course you do!
For
those of you who look up sometimes, we offer Blue Summer Sky, Midnight Sky, and
Turquoise Sky because the sky is an actual entity that produces not just one
but several natural scents.
…
Here
are some more candle names followed by what they actually and truly and
authentically smell like:
Beautiful
Day- fresh air and trees with a hint of Irish smugness
Wedding
Day- drunk uncles and horrible music
Storm
Watch- watching a storm
Camouflage-
sweat and shrapnel
Early
Sunrise- the exact opposite of the familiar aroma of a late sunrise
…
Because
we like you, we are going to let you in on a special candle secret.
If
you light Over The River and Under The Palms at the same time, you get the
scent of Limbo followed by a whiff of utter nothingness!!!
…
At
this point, you might be saying, 'But what about America? Does the Yankee
Candle Company care about the troops?'
Well,
friends, apparently you missed our Camouflage candles.
One
entire thousandth of every dollar from each small version of Camouflage sold goes
directly to Soldiers Who Sneeze, a for-profit organization which pretends to
help veterans suffering from the rare post-traumatic disorder that constantly
makes them seek out and sniff black pepper.
But
one candle cannot be enough scentiment for this great nation.
From
our Rah Rah America Collection, we bring you Stars And Stripes, Let Freedom
Ring, and of course, God Bless America. These candles bring to life actual
smells from The Great Depression, The Civil War, and other memorable American
standards.
…
If
there is one thing Americans love as much as patriotism, it is Christmas.
For
this very reason, we created an absurd line of Christmas candles, but since
Yuletide can be a time of over-indulgence, we have limited our scents to these
select few:
All
Is Bright, Build A Snowman, Candy Cane Lane, Celebrate Christmas, Christmas
Candy, Christmas Cookie, Christmas Eve, Christmas Morning Punch, Christmas
Tree, Christmas Wishes, Christmas Wreath, Frosty Gingerbread, Holiday Garland,
Holiday Home Sweet Home, Holiday Homecoming, Home For The Holidays, Jack Frost,
Let It Snow, Merry Marshmallow, Mistletoe, Midnight Mistletoe, North Pole,
Santa’s Cookies, Season Of Peace, Singing Carols, Sleigh Bells Ring, Welcome
Christmas, White Christmas, and Yuletide Spice.
To
avoid confusion, Holiday Homecoming smells like traffic and Grandma while Home
For The Holidays wafts the scent of gridlock and Grandpa.
These
subtle differences are what make our holiday candles truly wondrous.
As
a fair and inclusive company, please do not think we pass on making money from our
Jewish friends. For Hanukkah, we made one and only one candle called Festival
Of Lights, which smells like spinning wooden toys while not eating ham.
…
Did
you know 77%
of Americans believe in angels?
Our
Angel's Wings candle has the heavenly aroma of actual Heaven while Sparkling
Angel reminds you of just how foolish you really are.
…
In
the grand tradition of grand traditions, we have saved the best for last:
A
few years ago, Yankee Candle was challenged to create a candle that smelled of
hasenpfeffer. Without boasting at all, we completely and absolutely nailed it. Slaughtered
rabbit, onions, potatoes, green beans- our candle had them all.
The
scent was so realistic that some of us even ate the wax with limited happiness
and maximum bowel irritation!
Naturally,
we marketed our Hasenpfeffer candle’s label with an actual picture of a
screaming young rabbit being boiled alive. While the scent was spot-on, the candles
did not sell so well because the sight of a screaming young rabbit being boiled
alive bothered a few people for some unknown reason.
We
then formed an unnecessarily-expensive think tank to determine how to market
our newest product and came up with three conclusions:
1)
The word 'bunny' is much friendlier than 'rabbit' or that icky German word 'hasen'
2)
There are too many Fs in the word ‘pfeffer’
3)
Everyone likes cake
After
thousands of hours and millions of dollars, the Yankee Candle Company was proud
to present Bunny Cake to the masses.
The
label now features a delicious-looking cake shaped in the form of an adorable
cartoonish bunny.
Fret
not though, friends, for each time you light the candle, you will undoubtedly remind
yourself of a screaming young rabbit being boiled alive.
…
In
the near-future, please keep a nose out for our new candle-tastic fragrances
like Terrifying Basement, Awkward Laughter, Bubonic Plague, and Elevator Fart.
Thank
you for your time and keep on smelling!
…
***DISCLAIMER***
Because
lawsuits happen, the author would like to say he is in no way affiliated with
the Yankee Candle Company.
Also,
the stories about the girl in the field and the rabbit were completely (but cleverly)
made up, as were *some* of the scents described.
So
there. Leave me alone.
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