Tuesday, April 10, 2018

Jerry Armageddon

Jerry Armageddon
by Rob Cottignies

(Who is this guy and why is his picture here? Hint: He's a film producer.)

Jerry often wondered why happy hour was usually more than 60 minutes. Jerry's co-workers hated his questions. He knew they didn't like him but he enjoyed following them to the local bar because they would make his favorite cocktail- a mixture of rum, seltzer, and pickle juice. Jerry's co-workers also didn't like him because his favorite cocktail included pickle juice.

The employees were allowed to leave fifteen minutes early at the end of every week. As 4:30 approached each Friday, Jerry would get excited for his pickle juice cocktail. While Jerry got excited for his pickle juice cocktail, his co-workers tried to leave before he saw them.

Nancy, who liked Jerry least of all, was his boss. She popped into Jerry's office one Friday at 4:30. "Gerald", she said, hoping that using his full name bothered him, "I need you to stay a bit later today. I know you're excited to get your pickle drink but I need that report."

"Pickle drink." The nerve of Nancy. It was a cocktail, Jerry thought. In fact, the pickle cocktail was named for Jerry at the local happy hour bar. The manager said it was because the drink was special but Jerry knew it was because he was the only one who ordered it. It was called The Jerry and he quietly hoped it would be on their menu one day.

Because he just had to, Jerry quipped to Nancy, "You know, if happy hour was really only one hour, I would miss some quality cocktail time." Nancy rolled her eyes and fired back. "But it goes until 8:00. If you're a little late this one time it won't be the end of the world."

Jerry understood what Nancy meant but he had no way of knowing the actual gravity of her words.

Jerry had been going to happy hour every Friday for three years. He routinely had two Jerrys per hour, then would leave the rest of the party after a sad joke about not being able to drive home.

But this Friday was different. Call it destiny, but if Jerry didn't get to happy hour by 5:00, it would, in fact, be the end of the world. No nuclear missiles nor volcanic eruptions. No solar flares nor meteor bombardment. No oceans rising nor predictions by Nostradamus. This time everything relied on Jerry getting to happy hour.

Truth is, things like this have happened throughout the course of history. One time, Jerry's brother wanted to eat a third plate of chicken wings. His friends tried to dissuade him but he convinced them it would be fine by saying that eating another plate of chicken wings wouldn't be the end of the world. Jerry's brother didn't know how right he was. Had he not ordered the extra plate, the world would have ended.

And that's only one example of how differently things could have gone.

This time, however, was Jerry's turn to unwittingly save the world.

While Jerry was preparing Nancy's report, his brother was saving someone's life. Jerry's brother was a surgeon at a hospital in a large city. He didn't know how the patient had gotten injured but he knew it was his job to save her.

Jerry typed while his brother opened the girl's stomach. Jerry typed while his brother removed something sharp from the girl's liver. Jerry took a break from typing to drink some water while his brother stitched up the girl's organ.

Jerry finished the report at 4:50. Happy hour was ten minutes away. Jerry gathered his things and drove to the local bar while his brother closed the girl's stomach. Jerry stopped to let someone cross at an intersection while his brother thought the girl was going to survive. Jerry walked into the bar at 5:01 while his brother's patient died on the operating table.

Seeing the patient die, a nurse died. Seeing that nurse die, another nurse died. Hearing the sound of the nurses falling to the floor, Jerry's brother turned around to see them and himself died. The girl's parents, who were watching the procedure from another room, died from watching Jerry's brother die. The intern who was responsible for bringing the girl's parents back to the waiting room after surgery entered that room and died from the sight.

All of this happened while Jerry sipped his first Jerry cocktail and told bad jokes which his co-workers hated.

People at the hospital in the large city were dying from seeing other people die. More nurses died. More doctors died. More interns died. This caused patients and their visitors to die. This caused the janitors and an elevator mechanic to die.

Everyone in the hospital had died before Jerry finished his second Jerry cocktail. He would never find out about his brother and the rest of the hospital. He would especially never find out that he had caused the end of the world.

An ambulance rushed to the hospital. A technician ran in to announce that there would be many more ambulances coming. The people at the desk were dead. Soon, the technician and the people in her ambulance and all the people in all the ambulances were dead. Then people walking past the hospital began dying. Then people driving past them began dying. Then police officers responding to the sound of car crashes began dying.

Nancy got away from Jerry when he ordered his third Jerry cocktail. She was tired of listening for probably the hundredth time about how he wanted  to get The Jerry onto the cocktail menu. He wasn't so quiet about it around Nancy. Jerry liked Nancy, not in the 'true love' sense but because she was the only woman he spoke to regularly. Jerry knew that one day Nancy would return his flirtations.

And Jerry was right- it would've happened. But not on that day, which was the end of the world.

Every person in Jerry's brother's large city was dead.

While Jerry flirted with Nancy and drank his fourth cocktail, visitors to the large city died in the airport terminals, then at the gates and jetways. Most pilots didn’t even make it off their planes. Nobody in the tower was alive to warn them.

While Jerry had his fifth cocktail, the plague of death-by-sight reached other large cities, and Nancy was actually listening to Jerry's rambling.

While Jerry drank his sixth and final cocktail, the outbreak spread through entire continents, and Nancy was feeling more than a little bit tipsy.

Here is how Jerry and Nancy came to be the last people in civilization: Nancy excused herself to go to the bathroom. She unwittingly gave Jerry a wink, which he noticed immediately. Suddenly Jerry had to go to the bathroom too.

While Nancy was disgusted that she'd winked at Jerry, he was checking his teeth for food, though he hadn't eaten anything. Drunk and vulnerable, Nancy cried to her sister via video-chat while Jerry combed his hair with his fingers. Jerry was satisfied his look would convince Nancy that it was their special day and waited outside her bathroom. Jerry was oblivious to the fact that everyone in the restaurant was dead.

Outside the bathroom, humanity was more dead than alive and Jerry looked at himself in a mirror. Inside the bathroom, Nancy had died from seeing her sister die, who saw her husband die, who saw their neighbor die, and so on.

Jerry heard Nancy's body hit the cold floor and rushed in, only to die himself.

Jerry, the last person in civilization, was dead.

Soon enough, every person who was at sea and in space would be dead. Every person exploring caves and on long hiking trips would be dead. Every single person, regardless of who they'd been, would be dead. And The Jerry would never make it to the cocktail menu.

Sunday, January 14, 2018

PhiLOLsophy: Your Hilarious Text Message

PhiLOLsophy: Your Hilarious Text Message

Damn, you're funny. How do I know that you're funny? Because you made yourself laugh. Out loud. I think I'm pretty funny but I usually just make myself snicker after saying something hilarious. You, however, had the ability to text me something which was fairly unfunny but made you LAUGH OUT LOUD. How do I know you were laughing out loud? Because you told me. Your mild comment was followed by the letters L, O, then a second L.

Honestly, I'm surprised you were capable of sending the message at all. When I laugh out loud, it's uncontrollable and I'm often unable to do much of anything else. But you- you're special. You had the uncanny skill to think of something which made you laugh out loud, type into your phone the thing which made you laugh out loud, then inform me at the end that you were laughing out loud, all the while laughing out loud.

You are so fucking comical it hurts.

Your hilarious comment is going to revolutionize comedy. Speaking of, you should really try stand-up. I bet you're the funniest person in your cubicle. Go to an open mic night and spew out your insufferably humorous jokes. Make sure your co-workers go because they all think your office antics are unmatchable. Except Nancy, but she just doesn't have a good sense of humor, right? Wrong.

If your parents can't attend the open mic night, make sure it gets recorded so you can show them just how funny you are. They are sure to hate how much money they wasted on your poli-sci degree when they could've just sent you to clown college. That'll make up for them telling you Goldie moved to London when they actually flushed him down the toilet.

During your routine, I assume you'll be laughing out loud after each joke you tell, because they will all be extremely funny. I hope you're able to tell more than one. Your first joke is sure to be a whopper so I wouldn't be surprised if you tell it then laugh out loud for the remaining five minutes.

Come to think of it- You already have that first joke written! Simply throw in some context, read the message you sent to me, and the audience will be in stitches. Stitches, I tell you. Your radical bon mot will cause people to skip surgery and go right to the stitches. It is going to slay your audience figuratively, literally, and geologically.

You're very funny.

I can't believe you've been so witty this whole time I've known you. Sure, we've had plenty of laughs, but I always took them for granted. In person, you laugh at amusing things, such as me. But with the written word, you've expanded the borders of The Funny Zone. You are able to laugh, out loud, at something which isn't remotely entertaining. If Benjamin Franklin possessed the talent you've got, he would've done something useful for mankind.

You are the Benjamin Franklin of comedy. The U.S. Mint should destroy all current $100 bills and replace them with ones that not only have your image on them, but the amazingly hilarious text you sent to me. My only fear is that people would receive the bills and die from excessive laughter. Have you ever seen that Monty Python sketch about the funniest joke ever told? Of course you've seen it. That was probably the inspiration for your incredible remark, and you somehow managed to outdo Monty Python. That's impressive.

Thank you so much for sharing your uncanny gift with me and the world in general. I've locked your message so that it will never be deleted, along with every uproarious meme you've ever sent me which you didn't create but would've if you had the time in your busy schedule.

When you reach super-stardom, don't forget about the little people.

Tuesday, October 10, 2017


Every time we travel, some friends and I bring along a little notepad to write down ridiculous things that get said. I present them here without citations and context. This is the fourth installment. If you'd like to read the first three, search this blog for Muyaht, Neuyaht, and Ooyaht. Enjoy!

by Odie, Sam, Adam, Stella, and me

Where is the center of Quiznos? No one knows.

What a way to start Pooyaht- by pooping at Stewart.

Something about birds.

Total 6:51:45. Flight turbulence at 31:48, 1:00:50, 1:09:41, 1:23:02, 1:34:28, 1:39:56, 2:29:47, 2:42:45, 3:07:54, 4:22:40, 6:19:00, 6:27:46, 6:30:42, 6:51:45.

No rush, goulash.

Oh, Jimmy broke his back.

Mister Heartbreaker, breakin' hearts.

Do not ball-gag your father.

I'm not retarded. Bill's a wombat.

Well, Tomorrio.

Smell this man's ass. 'Tis a great ass.

When you own a bar or a food place, you have to have bendy straws.

I could definitely eat a hand at some point.

So you're the contact man. I'm the key man. What type of man do you want to be?

I haven't said one thing about butts!

Did you just pull out Twombli?

Odie, don't hurt my friend Rob.

I would love a song about all-you-can-eat buffet.

You want some chips? You don't have to pay for them.

All he has to do is come down and we'll be here.

Any guy who sounds like Nutella is fine with me.

9 pounds. It comes with five people.

Who's Dennis?


0131 777 7777

N3 -

I gotta do these things before I'm 45. Before I'm 37.

Handsome is not handjob.

Do you like snails and free blackberries?

Get that bean!

Stop looking back. It's weird.

That side smells like hose.

I need to get to the lake so I can wash my ass.

I will always remember Mr. Tweomptay.

Oh man, this is butt-washing water.

The body type of Scotland is a bear claw.
You mean like a cruller???

I like you guys. You smell cheesy and fun.

Put the mic down and put your head in the pool. And don't come up!!!

Pati + Bartek = Oskar

If it has something to do with butts, it's either you or someone like you.

I hate Nirvana. I'd rather listen to Neil Young fuck a cat.

And then there were 3.

The caribou is dying but won't give up.

Sam and Rob said something funny before but I forgot.

It's gorgeous outside... and it doesn't smell like farts.

Blood pudding farts.

And then there was 1.

Patscherkofel has a new lift and I found Jerome. All is good.

Today I am the king of beef farts.

What is the secret of the cold meat?

You're uncomfortable so you get warm and cozy. Then you go outside and get wet and miserable. Seems pointless but that's life.

Jerome gave me a free beer. That's so Jerome of him.

Ladies and gentlemen, we're arriving in Jenbach. Please exit from the right side.

Asian tourists make me happy. They're so goofy and love selfie sticks.

Slovenian men have a real hard time crapping... and they mumble to themselves while doing so.

Attack of the Asian Tourists: Part Two!!! Ljubljana.

I see. He was a crapping bum. Not representative of the average Slovenian.

Pooyaht, pfft. I can't wait until Armyaht.

Dennis the monk from Ljubljana. A good guy.

It was peaceful here. And then Italians came.

So many people are telling us on the walls what to think and do.

Gross slob to my left. Indian man punching is leg to my right. Everything is normal.

Nice flight... but everyone has hemorrhoid farts.

Why do the Irish still have that accent? The air? Because the buildings are small? I know there's an intelligent answer but... maybe it's because they have so many sheep.

Being in an 800-year-old church is cool. Being in an 80-year-old bar is cooler.

Yup. After 12 years of analysis, old fat American white women are horrible.

Vienna is the best airport to crap in. Privacy. Big stall. A hanger for your coat. A hanger for your bag. Plenty of toilet paper and hand sanitizer.

Now it smells like giant poop and shit on this plane.

How is it possible to keep the happy-go-lucky traveler's mindset once going back home when you're surrounded by morons!?! They announced it'd be a 7-hour flight when we got on the plane. Now, about 3 hours into the flight these old fucks are shocked there's 4 hours left. What part of the booking, traveling, checking in, going through security, and boarding did they miss? FUUUUUCK!!!

2 hours and 20 minutes left of the flight. I will try to fill the remaining pages of Pooyaht.

Wednesday, October 04, 2017


by Rob Cottignies

There is a guy named Stew, like the food only much more annoying and probably less-tasty. Stew has the rare condition of being completely allergic to shutting the hell up. Stew went to the Podiatrist. Stew didn't want to go to the Podiatrist. But Stew's foot was cracking and his regular doctor suggested going to the Podiatrist. So Stew went to the Podiatrist. And there was quiet in the land. Then Stew returned to tell me all about the Podiatrist.

This happened within a few hours of my meeting Stew. I hate Stew. Not only does Stew constantly speak but he'll blurt out uninteresting things simply to ignite more speaking. His father has to stop drinking for a month. He doesn't understand why there aren't stricter gun laws. He ate portabella fries the other day. Oh yeah, Stew is a hipster extraordinaire. Stew is inadvertently condescending. (You know what that word means, right?) And Stew is very politically-correct because he doesn't want to offend anyone.

Stew told me a story about a guy who said "the K word" on TV. Stew whispered "the K word" after looking around to make sure no one else could hear it in a setting with very few people, none of whom would've been offended.

Kike was the K word this guy had uttered which Stew could not bring himself to say. Certainly not a pleasant word but one which should only be taken sorely if it's yelled in a mean way. (However, some would say it's only a word so get over it.)

On my train ride home, I realized I had missed a grand opportunity. My response to Stew's whisper should've been, 'What K word?' I should've made him say it just to watch the discomfort on his Stew-pid face. Then I should've asked what the word meant, after which I should've explained that when Jewish people entered America after some distasteful incidents throughout Europe, many of them could not write their names in English on the entry forms. Instead, they drew a circle. The Yiddish word for 'circle' is 'keikl' [kike-uhl]. So the agents referred to them as Kikes. See? Not offensive. (And yes, I just quoted my own blog.)

However, none of this happened. In the time it would have taken me to say that, Stew rambled about new video games and every quirky cartoon on YouTube, so I'd have to wait until next time.
Next time came around and Stew was still relentlessly speaking, which I assumed was just a run-on sentence continued from the week before. At one point, Stew was ranting about Lenny Kravitz for some ungodly reason. Stew mentioned that Lenny is half-black and half-Jewish. I had him. It was time to play dumb-but-ultimately-smarter.

"How can someone be half-Jewish?" I asked. I also wondered which half of the Torah Lenny believed. Stew said that Judaism is both a religion and a nationality. I told him it was not, as this blog by a Rabbi confirms. He gave several more replies, each of which garnered "But how can you be half of a religion?" from me. Then, finally, he shut up. Two entire minutes went by without Stew saying a word. I had beaten Hipster Stew.

The phrase 'half-Jewish' is unique, too. I've never heard anyone referred to as half-Buddhist or half-Pastafarian. So why does half-Jewish happen? (If you're still wondering, now would be a good time to read that blog by the Rabbi.)

As for Stew, I expect that the next time I have to put up with him he will talk endlessly about things which are only of interest to himself. But now I know the monster can be defeated. You can beat your monster, too. (That was not intended to sound sexual.) So get out there and destroy the beast that bothers you most. You'll feel good. I promise.

Wednesday, September 06, 2017

Making Fun Of Football

Making Fun Of Football

The 2017-18 NFL season is upon us. If you're like me, you think football has become excruciatingly boring. If you're also like me, you still watch it because it's supposed to be fun but rarely delivers. I've always been a Raiders fan and even though this season is actually looking good for them, I couldn't be less-excited. Am I ready for some football? I guess so. Or something. Whatever.

So I've decided to have my own fun with the season. While experts are throwing around scenarios and statistics, what I'm bringing to you is an alternate kind of prediction. I will be determining winners based solely on the team names rather than record or skill or facts of any kind. I'm gonna use real and made-up events to give you hilarious reasons for my predictions.

Spoiler alert- the Browns and Bills will probably have a tough run while the Vikings will likely be predicted to win all of their games because Vikings are awesome. Also, I will be throwing in an upset every week just to make things more interesting. Think a bear would destroy a cardinal? Not necessarily. Anything can happen in the realm of made-up nonsense based on gobbledygook because football is ultimately stupid.

Each Thursday and weekend, I'll post my record along with those of my good friend Mike Celuch (a knowledgeable football fan) and all but one of ESPN's panel of "experts". MC and I originally were pitted against Trey Wingo, who is stupid and horrible for the following reasons- 1) He went to Baylor, 2) His son's name is Chappy, and 3) He decided to screw all of this up and not submit picks for week 6 because he was too busy being stupid. I hate his stupid face.

So every week I post my predictions then get those of Mike Celuch. After the games (obviously), I tally our wins then calculate (using a calculator) the average wins of ESPN's nine "experts" who are not named stupid horrible Trey Wingo. Because most numbers aren't cleanly divisible by 9, I round up, down, or use .5 accordingly. Keep in mind that Mike Celuch and I do this for free while ESPN's crew gets paid probably a lot of money to make these predictions which are really just guesses.

Let's see how things turn out...

And if you see Trey Wingo, punch his stupid face in half. Thanks.

Wins after 16 weeks
ESPN's NFL "experts": 155; Mike Celuch: 153; SpoolyGoo: 137

Never forget Trey Wingo's stupid rotten face and how he tried to sabotage this blog

Week 17

Packers vs. Lions
In Week 9, I told you about a Packer who was loading a moving van in which a mysterious box was loaded. Said box contained a Lion, which the police promptly shot, resulting in an upset by the Packer. However, the Lion was only wounded, which allowed him to counter my prediction and attain victory. Eight weeks later, the Lion has fully healed and has a vicious plan to eat all Packers within some kind of radius because Lions can't negotiate human measurements. As has worked in so many cartoons, the Lion will disguise himself by wearing a Grouch Marx mask. The Packers won't see it coming and no one in the area will be able to move for several days at least. 
Predicted winner: Lions

Bears vs. Vikings
I'm just gonna paste my commentary from Week 5 for this one because it was perfect- This here is an AWESOME matchup. Bears are huge and furry and scary while Vikings are… huge and furry and scary. Bears have sharp claws and teeth; Vikings have sharp axes and swords. These fierce tribes have had many battles in the cold mountains. However, on top of being awesome, Vikings are humans who can strategize and axes are better than stupid claws.
Predicted winner: Vikings

Texans vs. Colts
Again in Week 9, you met a Colt from Texas (known as a Texlt) named Stool. A gaggle of Texans was able to shoot Stool because his Texlt friends were getting castrated and couldn't defend him. Now without dirty filthy sex on the mind, the castrated Texlts can get their revenge. However, Texans still have lots of guns and statistically* guns have beaten horses every time they've encountered each other.
Predicted winner: Texans
*maybe; look it up

Browns vs. Steelers
This battle took place in Week 1, before the nonsense started. So here's some nonsense- A Steeler named Gravy liked to wear Buster Brown shoes. Most people have heard of Buster but aren't familiar with his ladyfriend, Mary Jane. MJ loved Buster but hated that his shoes were more popular than hers. So she called Gravy to see what he could do about it. Gravy had large feet which could not fit into a Mary Jane shoe so he defended Buster Brown and personally told him that MJ was trying to "get rid of him", as mobsters often say. Buster borrowed Steel beam and beat Mary Jane to death with it. Then he was indebted to Gravy, who made Buster buy him a nice salmon dinner.
Predicted winner: Steelers

Jets vs. Patriots
Week 6 presented you with a Patriot who fell out of a Jet when he tried to leave his country. It ended there. (It was one of the lazy, short predictions.) But the Patriot survived the fall. He landed in a bouncy castle which was on a giant trampoline which was on a gaggle of mattresses. (Side note: Somebody build this and invite me over.) The structure was built for the local Fair. The Patriots velocity easily slid him through the bouncy castle and ripped the trampoline but the fluffy and delicious mattresses withstood the force. The Patriot called his friend, who was still on the Jet, and was also a Patriot. The two Patriots decided to express their anger at the Jet by hijacking it. You or I would think this made little sense because the second Patriot actually owned the Jet. But he hijacked it anyway. He killed the pilot (who was not a Patriot) then landed the Jet himself on the pile of mattresses next to the original Patriot. He boarded and they went to Edmonton for some ice fishing. (And never-you-mind why someone with flight capability would have a pilot on his Jet. Have you ever used Uber? Yeah, think about that for a while…)
Predicted winner: Patriots

Redskins vs. Giants
My "bye" during Week 12 had the Redskins winning the battle due to their superior fighting skills. But did you know that it takes no less than 35 arrows to kill a Giant? And there are only 27 Redskins.
Predicted winner: Giants

Cowboys vs. Eagles
Week 11's match-up between these entities was pretty funny, but probably only to me. So I'm gonna make fun of the Philadelphia accent. When a stranded Cowboy knocked on a door in Philadelphia, the faaamily inside was of course eating cheesesteaks. They were washing the sandwiches down with wudder when the Cowboy entered. The Philadelphians would only help the Cowboy if he went to Las Vegiss and brought them back some beggels. The Cowboy went to Vegas but didn't return because the family was horrible. And so are the Iggles.
Predicted winner: Cowboys
PS- I know this totally-accurate account veers from my pattern of not personalizing the predictions but I went 16 weeks without making fun of Philadelphia so I earned this one. But Benjamin Franklin was a great man.

Jaguars vs. Titans
The prediction of Week 2 was really stupid so here's this- When the Titans ruled Earth, they claimed the highest spot on the food chain. This upset Jaguars everywhere because they were the most-ferocious big cats of the time. (This happened before lions and tigers were invented.) The ruling Jaguars convened a counsel to discuss the matter, but instead of devising a plan to overthrow the Titans, they dined on peccaries and tapirs and talked about living in swamps. The food chain remain Titans-Jaguars-Peccaries-Tapirs until tigers showed up and ruined everything.
Predicted winner: Titans

Bills vs. Dolphins
The Dolphins of Week 15 were quite angry when others would refer to their beaks as Bills. It was an admittedly weak prediction but not all gems are diamonds, right? (I think diamonds are gems. If not, they should be.)
Predicted winner: Dolphins

Bengals vs. Ravens
In our first week, I predicted the Ravens would win the battle because of their amazing skill of zeroing-in on stripes to mutilate tigers. Of course I was correct, as has been every* prediction I've made this year. But this week the Bengals will get their revenge. They will eat Ravens then make their bodies see-through except for the stripes so the birds will think they're in prison. Then they'll die confused from starvation or stomach acid or something even more awesome.
Predicted winner: Bengals
*probably around half

Raiders vs. Chargers
In Week 6, I told you about Thor- the mighty Norse god of thunder and lightning and all things awesome. The rest of the prediction didn't make sense so here's this- Sometimes by where I work, parking is limited. It's weird, however, because there's always a row of spots which is largely empty. Said spots are reserved for electric vehicles and each one is equipped with a Charging station. This logically makes me very angry because I need to park my car and why should I not be able to when there are open spots. So one day, I decided to Raid the office of the electric Chargers company, whose name I will make up right now. Charlie's Chargers is the name of the company. Not very creative but I didn't name it (Charlie did) and alliteration is always great. So I Raided Charlie's and took them for all they had after giving them a healthy dose of whatfor. (Someone even called me an upstart!!!) I destroyed all of their electric Chargers except for one because maybe one day I'll have an electric car and having a free Charger would be great. And I took money and whatever else. The Chargers still prohibit me from parking in those spots but I somehow feel that I won the battle. So there.
Predicted winner: Raiders

Cardinals vs. Seahawks
This one was silly. In Week 10, you learned about imaginary Seahawks stealing the eggs of magical Cardinals to play Seahawk Soccer, even though there were forcefields around the Cardinals' nests. (Refer back to it if you want more.) The theft (or, really, borrowing) often causes Cardinal panic and Cardinal heart attacks before the egg is returned unharmed after a rousing match of Seahawk Soccer. To prevent this from happening, one Cardinal decided to put a double forcefield around his nest. Seahawks are masters of getting through one forcefield, but two!? Yeah, they have no problem with that either.
Predicted winner: Seahawks

49ers vs. Rams
This battle in Week 3 resulted in a killer Oregon Trail reference as a Ram killed a guy whose family had died. What a battle. This time around, the Ram is back in action, taking down yet another 49er who's sifting for gold because it's more valuable than not-gold for some reason. Jerry for 49er had found a large nugget of gold in his sifting pan. Elated, Jerry ran around screaming like an idiot. The Ram watched this happen from a perch and decided to act. He scurried down the hill and ran full-speed into Jerry, who was breakdancing. The Ram's hard head smashed into Jerry's stupid head with such force that it inflated. A giant POOF was heard and Jerry's golden nugget was made into a dopey casino. Thanks a lot, Jerry.
Predicted winner: Rams

Panthers vs. Falcons
Here's what should've happened in Week 9- A Panther named Shpep was vacationing in Mongolia, where a young hunter was using a Falcon to find game. Shpep ate the hunter and the Falcon declared war on him. Reminded of The Myth Of Sisyphus, the Falcon doomed Shpep to eternally clawing at him but never getting to him because he was just out of reach. But this couldn't have been eternity because it happened in real life. Panthers and Falcons have similar life spans but Shpep was a little younger. The Falcon died and fell to the ground, where Shpep ate him as his delicious final meal.
Predicted winner: Panthers

Chiefs vs. Broncos
Week 8's Chiefs won their battle by uniting and spearing each other's Broncos after the beasts decided to revolt. (Did anyone else read 'uniting' as 'urinating'?) The Chiefs then smoked peace pipes and lived in harmony until another threat threatened them in a threatening manner. This threat was another horde of Broncos, hell-bent on revenge. But the Chiefs still had spears and masterful skills in spearology. So they won.
Predicted winner: Chiefs

Saints vs. Buccaneers
In Week 9, you learned all about Saint Bucky, the Buccaneer whose own men threw him overboard after helping orphans with bad diseases. They thought Bucky drowned- and he nearly did- but that's not how he died. Distraught by their savior's predicament, a handful of orphans with bad diseases jumped into the water. They brought Bucky to the surface but unfortunately they were all lepers and their arms fell off. Bucky managed to grab one of the falling arms but had to put it in his mouth to stay afloat. The elbow broke off and got lodged in Bucky's esophagus. Saint Bucky choked to death on the elbow from a leprous orphan's detached arm while treading water. And that's how his story really ended.
Predicted winner: Buccaneers

Week 16

Colts vs. Ravens

It's a true fact that Ravens enjoy taunting Colts. They fly just out-of-reach from their Colt mouths, which are constantly chomping because it's also a true fact that Colts enjoy eating birds. One day, a daredevil Raven named Bibi decided to really test the local Colts. Bibi flew to the farm and softly landed on a Colt's mouth while it was sleeping. The other Ravens were mortified but Bibi remained calm. So calm, in fact, that he fell asleep. The Colt woke up and quickly ate Bibi because your third true fact is that it takes Ravens several minutes to fly after being awoken. Ravens have been sticking to the just-beyond-the-mouth method of torture ever since.
Predicted winner: Colts

Vikings vs. Packers

You've all seen Viking ships. They're long and awesome and usually have a skull or something equally-terrifying at one end. But once, a ship was broken in half because Jurgen the Viking drank too much mead and snapped the ship over his knee because Vikings were extremely strong. This left only one ship to carry the Vikings across the lake and into battle. So twice as many Vikings had to Pack onto the remaining ship. If you've never been on a fully-Packed ship with large hairy men before, it's not as comfortable as it sounds. Jurgen was at the helm- his punishment for breaking the other ship. But, as a Viking of honor (like every Viking), Jurgen took the position proudly and led his men safely across the lake and into battle against whoever which they obviously won.
Predicted winner: Vikings

Rams vs. Titans

Titty the Titan and Rammy the Ram were unlikely friends. They liked to play Hopscotch and eat lasagna. One day, Titty cheated at Hopscotch. He completely bypassed the number 3 or however one would cheat at Hopscotch. Rammy saw the omission but kept it to himself. A week later, Rammy and Titty were having a lovely lasagna feast. The wine was flowing (nicely-chilled white wine; not gross red wine) and Rammy had his fill. The liquid gave him the courage to call out Titty on his indiscretion. Titty denied it and pointed out that Rammy had won the match anyway so it didn't matter if he cheated or not. But it mattered to Rammy. He threw his wine glass, hitting Titty directly in the Titan face. The bloody Titty calmly stood up and walked out of the house. But it was his house and Rammy was still enraged so he headbutted everything in the kitchen until it smashed to dust. Titty saw this through the window but simply let it happen. You see, Titty knew he'd be very lonely without Rammy. He enjoyed Hopscotch and lasagna so much that some broken possessions paled in comparison. Rammy apologized the next day, Titty accepted, and they've been not-cheating at Hopscotch and lasagna ever since.
Predicted winner: Rams

Bills vs. Patriots

I'm sure you all remember three weeks ago when a gaggle of Patriots killed Wolf Bill, who was a country-loving wolf. Well, his wolf family was thrilled. Wolf Bill was the outcast. Black sheep, if you will. Or black wolf. Wolf Bill was black, but that's not why his family hated him. Wolf Bill wasn't accepted because he loved his wolf country too much. He talked about it for hours, even over Wolf Passover Seder. Wolves are all Jewish but as this is clearly a Christian nation the true Patriots don't like it. (Where the hell am I going with this?) The wolves extended an invitation to the Patriots to celebrate Wolf Yom Kippur with them because they were so happy with Wolf Bill being gone. But the Patriots felt they had nothing to atone for. Wolf Bill had it coming. Wolf Yom Kippur came around and the Patriots did not show up. The wolves were very mad but were too busy praying and being hungry to do anything about it.
Predicted winner: Patriots

Browns vs. Bears

Brown Bears are more ferocious than black Bears.
Predicted winner: Browns

Falcons vs. Saints

Saints commonly live in Heaven- a place to which Falcons cannot soar to. (Yes, I did that on purpose.) Saints plug at it day-to-day, doing Saint things, while Falcons locate rodents and other game animals. I have no closing for this one.
Predicted winner: Falcons

Lions vs. Bengals

Like most large cats, Bengals enjoy going to the circus. They laugh and clap as the Lions get chairs shoved into their faces unless that only happens in cartoons. The Lions rarely eat the tamers, which of course is unfortunate, and makes the Bengals. See, Bengals only go to the circus because they hope people will get eaten even though I just said they enjoy the chair business. But they root for the Lions! However, when they must battle, the Bengals choose a mighty warrior from their ranks to tame the Lion. And tame it he does. The biggest tiger is bigger than the biggest Lion* and that's pretty awesome. So yeah, there's your answer.
Predicted winner: Bengals
*actual fact!!!

Buccaneers vs. Panthers

As Florida natives (oh wait, that's hockey), Buccaneers and Panthers are natural enemies. Panthers actually excel in the water, unlike Buccaneers, who are rubbish unless on a ship. Panthers have the completely real and well-documented ability to swim out to Buccaneer ships, climb up the sides, and eat the crew or beat them at Cribbage. Amazing animals.
Predicted winner: Panthers

Dolphins vs. Chiefs

Remember the commercial when the guy painted CHEFS instead of CHIEFS in the end zone? Me neither. But there's a rumor going around* that the guy used to work at SeaWorld. There are Dolphins in SeaWorld. Probably. Do you see where I'm going with this? Me neither.
Predicted winner: Dolphins
*because I just made it up

Broncos vs. Redskins

Redskins were the first people to tame Broncos*. Harnessing their strength and speed, they would ride into battle against other Redskins on Broncos which they tamed. This caused a conflict of interest and much bewilderment for the Broncos. During one battle, Bronco Brendo made googly-eyes at Bronco Bettina. Smitten, Bettina quickly flung the Redskin off her back to swoon over the rippling Brendo, who did some flinging of his own. The flung Redskins battled while the love-Broncos made Bronco Nice Time.
Predicted winner: Broncos

Chargers vs. Jets

Lightning Charges come from clouds*. Jets fly into clouds. This makes for some dicey situations. One time, a Jet was on autopilot when it approached a forming lightning bolt. It was a giant ball of fire with electricity shooting everywhere because that's how I want to believe lightning happens. The combination of cool air and extreme electric heat caused the engines of the Jet to stop. This sent the Jet to the ground in a nosedive and tailspin, which made the lightning ball laugh. Yep, lightning can laugh. To further prove its superiority, the lightning Charged toward Earth and hit the ground just before the Jet did. The Jet blew into ten frillion pieces while the Charge journeyed to the center of the Earth in search of iron ore, which probably conducts electricity.
Predicted winner: Chargers
*another actual fact!!!

Jaguars vs. 49ers

Our band of 49ers has been through a lot this year. I don't remember what exactly but I know they've been destroyed every week. (In this world, anyway.) Jaguars are tough, and they have spots. People in the 1800s hadn't evolved enough to see spots. The Jaguars knew this and planned an ambush on our gold-seeking 49ers. They paid residents of a small town to evacuate in the hopes that the 49ers would happen upon the town and stay there for the night. It worked. With two Jaguars stationed in every house (in plain sight), the Niners were pounced upon while eating dinner. Each dining room looked like its own small massacre. Oddly, the 49ers meal that night was Jaguar. But you know what? The Jaguars were so savage that they ate the meat of their fallen comrades as well. Absolute brutality.
Predicted winner: Jaguars

Seahawks vs. Cowboys

Seahawks, though imaginary, enjoy removing ten-gallon hats from the heads of Cowboys. This makes Cowboy furious until they look up to watch Seahawks flying disjointedly because of strange wind currents or whatever would happen when a bird would hold a large hat. But the point is that the Seahawks stole the hats. Possession is 9/10 of the law. Looking silly is the other tenth.
Predicted winner: Seahawks

Giants vs. Cardinals

Cardinals land all over Giants like flies do on horses. Problem is, Giants don't have tails.
Predicted winner: Cardinals

Steelers vs. Texans

The Steel city of Pittsburgh used to be in Texas*. Many Texans there became Steelers, but not vice versa. Steelers from other states refused to become Texans, which made the Texans quite angry. One guy- Tilly from Oklahoma- was approached by a gaggle of Texan Steelers to join their ranks. Tilly could've been Sergeant Steel but was too proud to be from not-Texas. So he revolted and was made an example of by being promptly beaten to death with Steel broom handles. Tilly worked at a factory that made Steel broom handles.
Predicted winner: Texans
*absolutely not an actual fact

Raiders vs. Eagles

Kehlsteinhaus, known in Anglo as The Eagle's Nest, was a building frequented by Nazis. History is unclear as to who first Raided the locale, but I have a theory- an osprey. Eagles have been Raiding the nests of ospreys for millennia, causing much grief. One osprey, confused by the English translation, appeared at the Nest. He was seeking eggs but found only Nazis and heated floors (look it up). But the befuddled osprey simply had to Raid, even a little bit. So he took a toaster, which was there more for decoration than practical use. Then the Nazis lost the war. Good job, osprey.
Predicted winner: Raiders

Week 15

Broncos vs. Colts

Horses, horses, everywhere. Young ones have stamina; old ones have strength. (I mistyped that as strangth. Could somebody make that a thing? My street cred is less than credible.) Biscuit Bronco was Calamine Colt's uncle. Biscuit was the fun uncle who always got too drunk at Bronco Bashes. Calamine didn't understand what drunk was. (The joy of innocence.) One day, Biscuit drank too much Bronco Brandy and knocked the dinner table over. Carrots went everywhere. But there was lots of hay on the ground, and hay for the gay horses. Hungry, Calamine went to a patch of hay to nosh on a fallen carrot. Enraged, Biscuit faced his horse's ass toward Calamine and prepared to give him a swift kick to the bootface. But he missed. You see, drunk Biscuit had little coordination, so he booted the punchbowl, causing punch and glass to go all over Calamine's mom, who was Biscuit's sister. Biscuit was mortified and has been sober since. And Calamine, perhaps, learned a valuable lesson.

Predicted winner: Colts

Bears vs. Lions
Phew- This battle again. I barely got over the last one, whenever it happened and whatever the result was and I'm pretty sure they've met before but I don't feel like checking. So yeah, crazy stuff. Lots of claws and growling. Bears can climb trees. Lions can as well but choose not to*. Have you ever had a bear pounce on you from a tree? It's not very fun.
Predicted winner: Bears
*I base this ecological knowledge on nothing.

Chargers vs. Chiefs
"Chiefy weefy woo", Charlie Charger used to say. Chief Chimney hated that nickname. But he could never beat Charlie at badminton. Chimney would always arrive at the birdie too late. It was very frustrating, but Chief Chimney had a plan. It was to kidnap, torture and kill Charlie Charger. (Didn't see that coming, did you? Neither did Charlie.)
Predicted winner: Chiefs

Eagles vs. Giants
There is a supermarket chain called Giant Eagle which is wreaking havoc on this battle. (Side note: Is havoc the only thing which can be wreaked?) One day, Jeff's local Giant Eagle market decided to split in half. Well, the owners decided to split the business in half. A store consciously making the choice to divide itself would be ridiculous and this blog wants nothing to do with being ridiculous. So Jeff had a decision to make. He didn't know the exact contents of the new stores Giant and Eagle but his favorite foods had always been more toward the Giant side. Jeff made the bold choice to enter the Giant store and was disappointed because the sides had been swapped completely. Jeff had bad luck. Jeff sucks.
Predicted winner: Giants

Bengals vs. Vikings
A little-known historical non-fact is that Vikings used to ride Bengals into battle with Christians and Brits and whoever else. One time, a Viking was racing toward a British Christian, who prayed that he would not get killed. The Christian God decided to answer that prayer by giving the Bengal a heart attack. Unfortunately for the British Christian, the Viking survived and chopped his head into nine pieces. I guess the British Christian should've thought along with praying. (I like this one.)
Predicted winner: Vikings

Ravens vs. Browns
Most Ravens are black as the desert night but some are Brown, which causes dissention among their ranks. Black Ravens see themselves as superior because they have great numbers but Brown Ravens claim dominance because they are rarer. This debate inevitably led to the Grand Raven War of 1806, which was six years before that other war whose name I can't remember. The Brown Ravens were vastly outnumbered but they had a secret weapon- former NFL fullback and real star of Mars Attacks, Jim Brown. This was before he played football. Jim could defeat up to 17 Ravens at a time. Since it's well-known that black Ravens attack in groups of 13 (the appropriate number for an unkindness), Jim had no problem laying down some smack. This effort would turn out to be fruitless though, because Brown Ravens eventually traded most of their Brown feathers for black ones, except around their necks. And yes, there is a species called Brown-necked Raven.
Predicted winner: Browns

Cardinals vs. Redskins
There is a certain gaggle of Redskins who worships small birds. Orioles, blue jays, sparrows, wrens- you name it. But don't name Cardinals. These Redskins absolutely hate Cardinals. Not one member would prefer worshipping a Cardinal over extreme torture. One day, as a joke, a young Redskin hung a poster of a Cardinal in his tepee. (Yes, I spelled that correctly.) He laughed when his Uncle Redskin entered and was aghast. How did Uncle Redskin respond to this laughter? Why, with a sharp tomahawk to his nephew's face, that's how. This didn't kill the nephew but mashed his face so badly that it actually looked like the outline of a Cardinal. He was shunned from the gaggle and starved to death in a nearby valley because his hunting skills were terrible.
Predicted winner: Cardinals

Packers vs. Panthers
A very nice guy named Sturbah once volunteered to help a Panther move. The Panther had gotten a new job across the state and needed some assistance Packing his belongings. So Sturbah the Packer wrapped the Panther's finest wares in delicate bubble wrap that was probably made in Saddle Brook, New Jersey. But while wrapping, Sturbah accidentally popped one of the bubbles. It wouldn't have affected the security of the good, but everybody knows that Panthers hate the sound of bubble wrap popping. The unfortunate fate of Sturbah can only be described by these three words- vile, pancreatic, and unnecessary.
Predicted winner: Panthers

Jets vs. Saints
While floating around Space or whatever, Saint Gilbert spotted a Jet flying below him. Curious because he'd never seen one, he hovered down to investigate. (Saint Gilbert had a very sheltered childhood followed by wrongful imprisonment, so flying was never an option for him. However, he did many nice things for people while in prison to earn his eventual Sainthood. But one of his mentees was a thug who decided to shank him one day. Very sad.) Saints can fly as fast as they want to Saint Gilbert faced the Jet head-on. Terrified, the Jet pilot fired many missiles at Saint Gilbert but none struck because Saints are non-tangible. The missiles hit a nearby commercial airplane and everyone on board had a horrible experience.
Predicted winner: Saints

Dolphins vs. Bills
Dolphins have beaks, and that's an actual real but for-real real scientific fact. Or maybe it's not scientific but just linguistic. Regardless, Dolphins do not have Bills. They despise those who refer to their beaks as Bills. Bills are for ducks, after all. And Dolphins are not ducks, no matter how hard they've tried. And they have tried. Bills, Dolphins explain, are no good for scooping up fish. Beaks are prime fish-scoopers. So there you have it.
Predicted winner: Dolphins

Texans vs. Jaguars
Jaguars have been banned in Texas for decades. Before that, a Jaguar ran for governor of Texas. His competition was a guy named Mel. Mel's political stance favored tax breaks and nice health care. The Jaguar, on the other hand, ran on a ticket supporting having spots and swimming to eat turtles. Texans have always been opposed to spots so Mel won this election in a landslide. Then he gave everybody a gun.
Predicted winner: Texans

Rams vs. Seahawks
I don't think I've mentioned Rams having very hard skulls in a while.
Predicted winner: Rams

Titans vs. 49ers
This week, our friends the 49ers have a formidable task. They must use their sifting pans to defeat mythological beings who once ruled Earth. Sifting pans are terrible weapons.
Predicted winner: Titans

Patriots vs. Steelers
The local union of Steel workers claimed to be the most Patriotic of them all. The local union of Patriots claimed to use more Steel than anyone else. Their leaders- Patriot Pete and Steeler Stu- wanted to settle this once and for all even though there was nothing to settle because they claimed different things. Armed with only a flag, Pete showed up to the battlefield. Stu, armed with a Steel pipe made specifically for Patriot-pounding, broke the flagpole in half. Pete dove under his flag before it could touch the ground. Stu laughed and simply walked away. (This one was really stupid.)
Predicted winner: Steelers

Cowboys vs. Raiders
The favorite Raiding targets of Raiders are Cowboys. They always put up a good fight. During one Raid, Cowboys' guns were a-blazin' while Raiders were a-Raidin'. It was really noisy, which did not appeal to the mothers of the Cowboys. They immediately stopped the battle with blowhorns which were louder than blazin' guns. They immediately grounded their sons and permitted the Raiders to take whatever they liked. Since they were no longer Raiding, the Raiders could only call themselves Takers. They went away sad and empty-handed, which was the Cowboys' mothers' plan all along.
Predicted winner: Cowboys

Falcons vs. Buccaneers
Before Buccaneers had parrots on their shoulders, Falcons roosted there. But Falcons are much heavier than parrots. This weighed the Buccaneers down during their commandeering of other ships. When Buccaneers relieved Falcons of their shoulder duty, the strong birds took jobs flying around Medieval Times at great speed. I've been to Medieval Times and the Falcon bit is no joke. The last time I saw a Buccaneer was at the beach. He had a terrible sunburn.
Predicted winner: Falcons

Week 14

Saints vs. Falcons

It's a fact that before Saints become real Saints they must become angels. And angels can fly. Falcons can also fly. This will be an air battle. Saints/Angels are translucent, which works to their advantage. Falcons fly right through them! However, one Falcon named Tiara knows how to win the day. He shall lure his opponent high up into the atmosphere. The air up there (wasn't that a movie?) is very cold and we all know that cold air makes translucent angels freeze and become tangible. The frozen angel will fall to Earth and shatter before he thaws even though it would probably burn up or something because the atmosphere is awesome.

Predicted winner: Falcons

Packers vs. Browns
UPS drivers (Browns) rely on Packers to load their vehicles. However, I tried twice to work for UPS and both times got screwed over for what I see as no reason. F UPS in the A.
Predicted winner: Packers

Lions vs. Buccaneers
Lucky against Bucky. One was a Lion; the other, a Buccaneer. But you're wrong- Lucky was the Buc and Bucky the Lion. They tried to get along. They went to dinner. Where did they go? A fancy place. But not too fancy. No cloth napkins or anything. Bucky ordered the soup; Lucky the salad. But the main dish- They both wanted the Cajun chicken. You wouldn't order the same thing as your friend, would you? No, you're not a monster. So they had a duel. And Lucky won. (Who was Lucky again?)
Predicted winner: Buccaneers

Raiders vs. Chiefs
This battle will take place in underwear. Why!? I have no idea. But Chiefs generally wear the equivalent to underwear anyway. Raiders? Why, they wear Raiding gear. And that's no joke. Without Raiding gear, Raiders just ain't the same. Someone should write a country song about that.
Predicted winner: Chiefs

Vikings vs. Panthers
Vikings are so great. I don't think I've not predicted them this year. And don't expect me to start now.
Predicted winner: Vikings

49ers vs. Texans
Of course our 49ers had to journey through Texas on their trek down Californy way. The Texans were a tough bunch and they did not take kindly to the likes of gold-seekers. The Texans drew many guns and the 49ers were sadly underarmed. This was on February the 14th, making it the real Saint Valentine's Day Massacre, even though Valentine's Day as we know it came much later. Not really but I thought it did and actual history screwed up my plan. Then there was that other massacre. Bugs's boys had it coming. But still, Valentine's Day is pointless and terrible and the Texans won the day I just made up.
Predicted winner: Texans

Colts vs. Bills
Horses eat onions. And if they don't, they do now. Bill was a good farmhand. A little slow mentally and physically but a hard worker who loved milking cows. When the Master Farmer switched Bill's position to Colt Handler, he didn't know what to do. Bill hated onions and as we just found out, horses adore onions. The onion breath of the very first Colt which Bill had to handle knocked him to the floor. Bill couldn't get up before he was stomped or stamped to death by every other Colt in the Colt Paddock.
Predicted winner: Colts

Bears vs. Bengals
Bengal Bob had a counterpart named Bear Bob. These two naturally feuded in middle school and beyond. Bear Bob was usually the aggressor but Bengal Bob had had enough. Had had had. Ya know. One day, Bengal Bob planted a stash of oregano in Bear Bob's locker. The former told the principal on the latter. But Bear Bob protested and demanded that the baggie be tested. It was, and oregano was found instead of the marijuana which Bengal Bob had intended the police to find. What a joke.
Predicted winner: Bears

Cowboys vs. Giants
Predicted winner: Cowboys

Titans vs. Cardinals
Ya know how in cartoons someone gets smashed on the head then birds fly around the person's head while stunned? For Titans, Cardinals flew around their stunned heads. Two best-friend Titans named Zack and Albert (Saved By The Bell reference right there) enjoyed smashing each other on the head with Titan hammers. One day, to change things up a bit, they ran headfirst into each other. There was a massive collision and gaggles of Cardinals danced around the stunned Titan heads. But Zack's stunned head had one more Cardinal going around it than Albert's. This made Albert mad enough to smash Titan Zack into the ground and bury him with the imaginary corpses of the dancing Cardinals.
Predicted winner: Titans

Jets vs. Broncos
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. I woke up and the Broncos won.
Predicted winner: Broncos

Redskins vs. Chargers
Redskins would often Charge at their opponents but when their Charging opponents would Charge back at them, they would become frightened.
Predicted winner: Chargers

Seahawks vs. Jaguars
Osprey Oliver desperately wanted to be recognized as a Seahawk. For some strange reason, the committee in charge of assessing animals' species was founded and run by Jaguars. The Jaguars heard Oliver's case but reminded him of the time he snatched a delicious prairie dog from the very jowls of a Jaguar. Oliver's plea was denied with extreme prejudice.
Predicted winner: Jaguars

Eagles vs. Rams
I feel like a lot of birds have landed on Rams' heads this year. This is a good thing. But this week, the lander was a mighty Eagle. Has an Eagle ever landed on your head? It's happened to me at least twice and I can tell you I wouldn't describe it as comfortable. Now, my skull may be as thick as a Ram's skull, but it's definitely not as tough. When an Eagle lands on a Ram's head, his talons cannot quite penetrate the thick skin and difficult cranium of the Ram. The Eagle will try. Oh, it will try. But talons are only so sharp. I don't know the point of this and I'm fairly drunk right now so I'll just get on with it and pick a winner.
Predicted winner: Rams

Ravens vs. Steelers
Ravens' beaks are so strong that they can poke through Steel. This upsets many Steelers, who smash many Ravens with many Steel beams. One day, an unkindness (actual term) of Ravens decided to put an end to the Steelers' abuse for good. They would use their own Steel against them. That unkindness grouped together to pick up the mightiest Steel beam in the land. They flew the beam over the top of the mightiest Steel plant in the land and let it drop, hitting said plant with the mightiest force in the land. But Ravens don't know what weekends are and, as this fabled tale took place on a Sunday, exactly zero Steelers were destroyed. Confused, the unkindness of Ravens flew back to their caves or whatever thinking they had won. But they hadn't.
Predicted winner: Steelers

Patriots vs. Dolphins
No creature loves living in the ocean more than the Dolphin. Dolphins often refer to themselves as 'the Patriots of the sea'. But when they must battle land Patriots, things get messy. Fins fly over here, arms over there, and a bounty of eyeballs collects in the middle of it. Dolphins eat eyeballs for strength. Yes, even the eyeballs of other Dolphins. This is an ability land Patriots do not have. For some reason they prefer to not eat anyone eyeballs. Sucks for them.
Predicted winner: Dolphins

Week 13


Redskins vs. Cowboys

What happened the last time these two did battle? I'm not gonna look it up because I don't care. Doing this is exhausting. But hard work was never a concern for Cowboy Kurt. An upstart Redskin named Flying Fox never liked Cowboy Kurt, mostly because Cowboy begins with a C but Kurt with a K. Flying Fox was a huge fan of alliteration. Cowboy Kurt- once more, a fan of hard work- was repairing a fence. To let you in on a secret- Flying Fox had broken the fence, hoping that Cowboy Kurt would be the one to fix it. Kurt was vulnerable out in the open with only his broken fence. Flying Fox threw darts at him. Darts are painful. But Cowboy Kurt had Cowboy-like reflexes, so he grabbed each dart out of the air with his lasso and aimed them at Flying Fox, who was also vulnerable out in the open but with no fence. Had he been a true fan of alliteration, Flying Fox would've always had a Fence with him, or made a ForceField, or Flung Fearless Frogs For Fatalities. But he didn't.

Predicted winner: Cowboys


Vikings vs. Falcons
Falcons can fly, which is impressive even though it's not impressive because that's how Falcons were built and they probably don't think flying is awesome. (What is a group of Falcons called? A bazaar or tower.) I'm not impressed. The Vikings were also not impressed. We all know that a group of Vikings is called an awesome. And that's awesome.
Predicted winner: Vikings

Lions vs. Ravens
A Raven once landed on a Lion's mane. The Lion did not appreciate this. But no matter how much the Lion shook and wriggled, the Raven remained. (Re-maned?) The Raven got hungry and conveniently a bird that Ravens eat also landed on the Lion. While the Raven was dining, the Lion used it to his advantage and slammed himself into a tree. He broke his Lion back but the Raven was squashed. That's how I want to go out.
Predicted winner: Lions

Patriots vs. Bills
UPSET- Bill loved his country and a gaggle of Patriots tried to recruit him because of it. But Bill did not love groups. Bill was a lone wolf. Actually, Bill was an actual wolf. A common misconception is that wolves are not aware of what countries are, but Wolf Bill knew all about it. The Patriots, however, were very made that Wolf Bill did not want to join their ranks. They set a trap in the woods to ensnare Wolf Bill, which worked. The Patriot leader declared Wolf Bill a traitor and sentenced him to wolf death. It was a sad end for Wolf Bill.
Predicted winner: Patriots

49ers vs. Bears
Phew, our group of 49ers is in for it this week. They showed up to a peaceful section of woods to eat and sleep for the night. But do you know who already ate and slept in that area? Yes, Bears. Large, hungry, violent Bears. While our 49ers were heating soup over a fire, the Bears made their move. These vicious and sadistic Bears started eating limbs, then torsos, then necks. There was never so much blood anywhere in history. The Bears chewed through every inch of flesh the 49ers had. Blood. So much blood. Then the Bears hibernated. What a good meal.
Predicted winner: Bears

Buccaneers vs. Packers
I always liked this match-up because they both come from Bays. Regardless, I was once Packing my car for a lovely picnic when some Buccaneers showed up. They wanted plunder and booty but I only had ham sandwiches. The Buccaneers were not happy about this. They told me that if I could not provide an ample amount of treasure for them, they'd yo-ho-ho and make me walk into traffic. So I performed a magic trick. I showed them the culinary contents of my pic-a-nic basket then shut it. When I reopened it, a golden glow shone from it. It was booty and the Buccaneers were thrilled, amazed, and frightened. So frightened that they declared me a wizard and made me walk into traffic.
Predicted winner: Buccaneers

Colts vs. Jaguars
Jaggy was a hip Jaguar. He was so hip that his nickname was a nickname for his entire species. Jaggy always wanted to ride a horse but they were too big and intimidating. Enter a Colt named Clebnar. Clebnar was small so Jaggy figured he could ride him with ease. Jaggy mounted Clebnar but just ended up humping him all day. Clebnar enjoyed this. They are still happily together.
Predicted winner: Jaguars

Broncos vs. Dolphins
Bronco Biffy was related to Clebnar the Colt. One thing that ran in their horse family was enjoying getting humped. Dolphins are known to enjoy humping and Dolphin Dave was no exception. Biffy went to the zoo and saw Dave in a tank. Their passionate passion was immediate. Biffy climbed into the tank and enjoyed a vigorous humping from Dolphin Dave. But their relationship didn't go as well as Jaggy and Clebnar's. Dolphin Dave was emotionally abusive. He would constantly call Biffy "Biggy", which gave him insecurity issues. Biffy overdosed on horse tranquilizers because he was a horse. Sad.
Predicted winner: Dolphins

Chiefs vs. Jets
The Jets from West Side Story were very tough with their dance-fighting. A gaggle of Chiefs was once watching the play even though all Chiefs hate musicals. They cheered wildly when head Jet Riff was stabbed. Then they realized that Riff was the Jets' Chief and became sad. The cast of the musical, however, did not take pity. They leapt off the stage and began to dance-fight the Chiefs, who easily defeated them with their superior battling skills.
Predicted winner: Chiefs

Texans vs. Titans
Mike Celuch and I will be attending this game so the Titans will win because we'll root root root for the home team.
Predicted winner: Titans

Browns vs. Chargers
Last week's all-star team of famous people whose last name is Brown failed to become victorious because apparently the actual Browns are atrocious. Charging, lightning, electricity, blah blah.
Predicted winner: Chargers

Panthers vs. Saints
Like humans, Panthers have taste buds. A section of those prefers holy things, which makes them crave the flesh of Saints. They have the amazing ability to sniff out good people who will become Saints one day. And they eat these people. But in doing so, the people actually transfer to Sainthood and live a holly jolly afterlife or whatever happens.
Predicted winner: Saints

Rams vs. Cardinals
Cardinals are nasty little red birds. They've developed various defense tactics, but none of them can prevent death from the headbutt of a Ram.
Predicted winner: Rams

Giants vs. Raiders
Giants and Raiders have been enemies since the early Raiders Raided the homes of many Giants. The Raiders burned houses and stole goods and sometimes kidnapped Giant women. Giantettes, as they prefer to be called. The Raiders and Giantettes had many generations of Giant Raider children. They were all hideous. The Giants killed them all then died off themselves because there were no more Giantettes to mate with. And now you know.
Predicted winner: Giants

Eagles vs. Seahawks
Jackalopes, like Seahawks, aren't real animals. But if they both were, Eagles and Seahawks would battle constantly to eat the Jackalopes. Who would win these battles thus getting to eat more Jackalopes? Seahawks, of course.
Predicted winner: Seahawks


Steelers vs. Bengals
There is a large Bengal made out of Steel somewhere. It's very impressive but Steelers in the town where the statue exists hate it. They've picketed but the mayor refuses to de-erect it. Sure, that's a term. The Steelers think the statue's Steel could better be used for construction. One day, they offered to build a nice Steel addition to the mayor's house if he de-erected the statue. The mayor agreed and has been enjoying his Steel Sun room ever since.
Predicted winner: Steelers

Get it? Football? Turkey? Anyone???

Week 12 (no more byes)


Vikings vs. Lions
(Of course this week starts with one I could've had massive fun with.)
Predicted winner: Vikings, because they're Vikings

Chargers vs. Cowboys

Predicted winner: Chargers, because lightning can destroy anyone

Giants vs. Redskins

Predicted winner: Redskins, because they're known for fighting skills

SUNDAY 11/26

Browns vs. Bengals
Predicted winner: Bengals, because Browns

Panthers vs. Jets
Predicted winner: Jets, because planes don't get tired

Titans vs. Colts
Predicted winner: Titans, because they ruled the world

Buccaneers vs. Falcons
Predicted winner: Buccaneers, because pirates

Dolphins vs. Patriots
Predicted winner: Dolphins, because they're strong and smart

Bears vs. Eagles
Predicted winner: Bears, because teeth and claws and might

Bills vs. Chiefs
Predicted winner: Chiefs, because they lead warriors

Seahawks vs. 49ers
Predicted winner: 49ers, because Seahawks aren't real

Broncos vs. Raiders
Predicted winner: Raiders, because I'll never pick the Broncos over them

Saints vs. Rams
Predicted winner: Rams, because they don't have to be nice

Jaguars vs. Cardinals
Predicted winner: Jaguars, because cats eat birds

Packers vs. Steelers
Predicted winner: Steelers, because Steel work is harder than Packing

MONDAY 11/27

Texans vs. Ravens
Predicted winner: UPSET- Ravens, because a group of them is called an unkindness

Week 11 (4 teams on bye)


Titans vs. Steelers

Titan Tim adored playing with Steel. He would often make Steel origami because apparently Titans can bend Steel easily. But Titan Tim was a hoarder. Over the years, he collected way more Steel than he could ever fold into swans and turtles or whatever. The Steelers at the nearby Steel factory had to come up with a plan to reclaim some Steel. So they came up with a plan to reclaim some Steel. They sneaked into Titan Tim's Titan house while he was Titan sleeping. There was Steel everywhere because you'll remember that Titan Tim was a hoarder. Steel is heavy but the Steelers were very strong. And they were clever. They took out a year's supply of Steel and because Tim's house was such a mess, he didn't even notice the next Titan morning.

Predicted winner: Steelers

SUNDAY 11/19

Buccaneers vs. Dolphins
During one classic battle of this ferocious Man v. Beast rivalry, hooks were a key factor. Buccaneers- all of whom have hooks for hands- hoped to catch some Dolphins for food. They used their hook hands to cast out lines with hooks at the end of them. But these hooks magically all went into the Dolphins' blowholes. Don't worry, they were fine. In fact, they used their might to change the direction of the Buccaneers' ship so that it crashed violently into a nearby rock island. And this is where the phrase 'By hook or by crook' comes from.*
Predicted winner: Dolphins
*not remotely true

Lions vs. Bears
Finally, this match-up is happening, if it hasn't before. I don't pay attention. But this is great. Two fierce predatory predators clawing and gnashing their way to the victory line. Yes, this is a foot race. And Lions are faster. Also, this website confirms that Lions are better than Bears even though its result is a Bear winning the battle. But that site has different rules and a different form of English. For example, the line that sold me- 'Male African lion has the mane which makes him the King of all animals in the jungle.'
Predicted winner: Lions
Cardinals vs. Texans
Didn't these two already do battle? Impossible. But I remember something about a guy named Jeff… Oh no, that was Cardinals vs. 49ers in Week 9. The Cardinals won that bout and they'll win this one too.
Predicted winner: Cardinals

Redskins vs. Saints
Grimacing Gerbil wasn't the toughest Redskin but he was loyal to his tribe, which came under attack from a vicious gaggle of thugs. While the other Redskins fought valiantly, Grimacing Gerbil cried under his bed. While searching GG's house, one thug heard the crying. He flipped the bed over and was ready to dispatch Grimacing Gerbil but his gun backfired and shot the thug in the face because that's what I think happens when a gun backfires. The thug's fall knocked over a table, which was holding a candle. Grimacing Gerbil laughed so loudly that the rest of the thugs entered his house out of curiosity, only to be burned horribly by the fire caused by the candle. Grimacing Gerbil also perished in the blaze, but his Redskin family assumed he had set the fire purposely to save them and made him a Saint.
Predicted winner: Saints

Jaguars vs. Browns
UPSET- Shouldn't this actual game be terrible? Regardless, here are some of the people showing up to my version of this battle- Da Vinci Code author Dan Brown, singers Chris and Foxy Brown (no relation), Millie Bobby Brown (the weird girl from Stranger Things), California Governor not Arnold Schwarzenegger but Jerry Brown, guy who Frank Zappa made fun of Bobby Brown, woman who survived the Titanic's sinking Molly Brown, and former NFL running back and show-stealer in Mars Attacks Jim Brown. Not one of these people wishes to be eaten by a large spotted cat. But Jaguars are sadists who enjoy eating prey that would rather not get eaten. They will tear through the famous Browns until they get to Jim. If you've seen Mars Attacks, you know how awesome he is. He is capable of fending off a gaggle of Jaguars with his arms closed and eyes tied behind his back. Spend your Sunday watching Mars Attacks instead of football. It's guaranteed to be excellent.
Predicted winner: Browns

Ravens vs. Packers
Game Of Thrones fans know that Ravens are used to carry messages over long distances. They also know that people on the show rarely Pack before moving because they're usually running away from a crime at the last minute.
Predicted winner: Ravens

Rams vs. Vikings
The Vikings' fiercest foe since the Battle With The Bears, the Rams will be ready for this one. Coming off a bye week or another opponent or whatever, they've been training for this battle. The Ram School Of Fighting has taught them all the swift moves to bring down a larger adversary. But these moves will have little effect on Vikings, who scream and wield axes.
Predicted winner: Vikings

Chiefs vs. Giants
Remmy the Giant liked to wander onto lands that weren't his because he didn't have a large property. One day, he wandered into Chief territory. The Chiefs were having a Chief meeting when they heard and felt Remmy's Giant footsteps. Assuming Remmy was hostile, the Chiefs prepared to defend their Grand Teepee. But Remmy only wanted to play cards. He liked Rummy because it sounded like his name. The Chiefs didn't know how to play Rummy so they tricked Remmy into playing a Chief card game. Of course the Chiefs won but they gave Remmy all of his Giant money back because they felt guilty about tricking him. Remmy went back to Giantland and taught the other Giants how to play the Chief card game.
Predicted winner: Chiefs

Bills vs. Chargers
Bill was a bartender in an establishment which required a ten-dollar minimum for credit card purchases. One night, many would-be Chargers came in for one beer and one beer only. They refused to combine tabs to meet the minimum amount and insisted on Charging one beer each. And there were 15 of them. Bartender Bill was furious until someone suggested he Charge each card for $10 and keep the remainder after the beer price as his tip. The generous Chargers had a wonderful time, Bill got a lot of tip money, and there was no need to use the shotgun behind the bar like how this story probably should've ended.
Predicted winner: Bills

Bengals vs. Broncos
A gaggle of Bengals tried to sell their stripes to some Broncos, who accepted only to be informed that they'd been fooled. I mean, how could an animal lose part of its fur pattern? The Broncos demanded to find out. There was much torture and squealing cat noises, but the Broncos did it. They successfully removed the stripes of a Bengal. One of them wore the fur and danced to 'Goodbye Horses' by Q Lazzarus. This was very surreal because that particular Bronco was actually saying goodbye to his fellow horses. From then on, that Bronco identified as a Bengal. And a fine Bengal he made.
Predicted winner: Bengals

Patriots vs. Raiders
Apparently this battle is happening in Mexico, which is confusing the hell out of the Patriots. They are not loyal to Mexico but its neighbor to the north. How do they fight in a land which is not theirs? Terribly, that's how. The Patriots will run through emotions like women on a PMS Colony while many Raiders will come in to Raid their belongings. The Raiders will gather booty while the Patriots will half-defend their temporary home. They'll protest, then submit; argue, then surrender; brawl, then do something similar to surrender and submit. It'll be an ugly scene.
Predicted winner: Raiders

Eagles vs. Cowboys
Weyerbacher brews a beer called Dallas Sucks. This has probably made many Eagles fans boast while Cowboys fans likely don't know nor care. But that's irrelevant. I'm here to tell you about Skippy, the Eagle who hated Cowboys. No one knows why Skippy hated Cowboys so much but everyone was aware of it. Skippy would see a Cowboy doing Cowboy things then encourage his Eagle friends to watch as he soared above the ranch and dropped rocks, hoping to hit the Cowboy who was doing Cowboy things. He was often successful in landing a rock directly onto a Cowboy, splitting him in half because that's what happens. The other Eagles didn't believe in Skippy's random Cowboy murders but they were definitely impressed by his ability.
Predicted winner: Eagles

MONDAY 11/20

Falcons vs. Seahawks
Real bird vs. fake bird.
Predicted winner: Falcons

Week 10 (4 weeks on bye)


Seahawks @ Cardinals
Cardinals are renowned for their mighty and skillful nest-building. Certain magical Cardinals are even able to build forcefields around their nests. These keep out predators such as cats, squirrels, and owls that screech. But how do they fare against imaginary birds? Sadly, not well. Seahawks have the uncanny ability to break through real forcefields built by real Cardinals, even though that doesn't happen at all. Seahawks don't eat Cardinal eggs but play soccer with them. This may sound cruel but Seahawks Soccer is a very relaxed sport. They never kill the not-quite-Cardinal (ooooooh, controversial) inside. So what happens is this- A Seahawk will penetrate a Cardinal's nest's forcefield to steal an egg. During a rousing game of Seahawk Soccer, the Cardinal parent will freak out but not be able to escape its own forcefield because it didn't turn it off because it's too busy freaking out. This freaking often causes Cardinal heart attacks and the Seahawks are sad every time they go to return their game egg to see its deceased parent. Typically, the Seahawk will raise the Cardinal as its own in an attempt to end the Seahawks' status of imaginary.
Predicted winner: Seahawks

SUNDAY 11/12

Saints @ Bills
Bill has always been a slovenly housekeeper. One day, a Mormon (Something Something About Late Saints) came to his door. Bill let the Mormon in and listened the what he had to say. Then he saw Bill's half-empty bottle of tequila. The Mormon ran away screaming.
Predicted winner: Bills

Packers @ Bears
A moving company employee (commonly known as a Packer) was given a wrong address to which deliver to a truck to full of to goods. (I don't know what happened there, either.) Instead of a fancy new duplex, the Packer arrived at a cave filled with hibernating Bears. Not one to be deterred, the Packer moved the furniture into the cave. He was almost done when a Bear woke up. He roused his Bear friends and they feasted on the Packer at a brand new dining table from some store that sells dining tables.
Predicted winner: Bears

Browns @ Lions
A driver for UPS in Kenya had a tough route. One old villager refused to move out of the trees near a popular Lions' hangout. But the villager adored ordering things online. Mops, boxes of tissues, CD booklets to hold his extensive collection of punk rock. The Brown for UPS had scary but usually harmless success when he delivered packages. However, on morning, the Lions were in heat. A Proud (smaller sect of a Pride) of the randy felines circled the Brown. When one tried to mount him, he dropped the package of new bicycle chains. The villager was furious and beat the Brown to death with a mop while listening to Dead Kennedys. The Lions then took turns humping the Brown's corpse but obviously could not reproduce because he was human and dead. Silly Lions.
Predicted winner: Lions

Steelers @ Colts
Everybody knows that young horses are allergic to Steel.
Predicted winner: Steelers

Chargers @ Jaguars
I bet a skilled rapper could make these words rhyme somehow. Anyway, Jerry the Jaguar was hanging out in a tropical tree. He'd had a long day of hunting in water because Jaguars can do that in real life and not just in my world of NFL nonsense. Earlier that day, Jerry grabbed a fish which a nearby caiman had its eyes on. The latter rounded up his caiman friends and led a Charge toward the tree in which Jerry was relaxing. Obviously, Jerry saw this imminent attack but could not leave the tree because it was surrounded. Caimans can't climb trees because they're leathery and gross so Jerry waited until only the original caiman remained, pounced on him from the tree, and ate him deliciously with his Jaguar friends.
Predicted winner: Jaguars

Jets @ Buccaneers
To completely go against the home-habitat advantage thing (told ya it wouldn't work), a gaggle of Buccaneers thought, 'Hey, since we can overtake any ship on the water, why wouldn't we be able to overtake a Jet in the sky. So they chartered one from Miami to New Orleans because they don't like long flights and their outfits would've gone over swimmingly at Mardi Gras. But they were unaware that TSA regulations apply to chartered Jets the same as commercial flights. They were not allowed to carry their swords, hand hook things, or one-shot pistols. They could only sit back and enjoy their flights to New Orleans, where they had a magical time and are now starring in an all-Buccaneer revue where the ladies love earning their beads.
Predicted winner: Jets

Bengals @ Titans
When Bengals get hungry, they get HUNGRY. And what better meal is there than a Titan? One day, a gaggle of Bengals wandered into the realm of the Titans. The Titans were so busy ruling Earth that they didn't notice the large, striped cats. One Titan, Henry, was picking some Titan vegetables for his Titan dinner. The lead Bengal, Bensonhurst, went over to tell Henry how much he enjoyed vegetables and definitely not meat. Fairly unworldly, Henry offered Bensonhurst some yellow peppers. Henry replied in true Hollywood fashion with, "I've got a different offer for you". Henry's Bengal friends had been gathering behind Bensonhurst. They pounced and ate him and were full for three days. This is known in Bengal folklore as The Dinner After Tricking Titan Henry. Bengals aren't very creative.
Predicted winner: Bengals

Vikings @ Redskins
Both natives in their lands and big proponents of spears, these factions never really quarreled until a young Viking named Blip sailed into Redskin territory. Blip was foolish but sturdy and strong-willed. The Redskins liked the furs Blip was wearing and offered to trade some of their own for them. Blip wasn't much of a trader so he screamed, slaughtered the Redskins, and stole their furs. He and his family were very warm for years to come.
Predicted winner: Vikings

Texans @ Rams
Texans have guns and that's tough but Rams' skulls and horns are so hard that they reflect bullets. That's really hard.
Predicted winner: Rams

Cowboys @ Falcons
Bulls are easy to lasso but Falcons are quite feisty. And they can fly. A young bull tried to fly once but it ended horribly so that's why matadors use capes to taunt them. Or wear capes. Or whatever. Bulls don't see red. Scientists think. But who really knows? Bulls know. They also often visit Falcons and discuss how to take down matadors, who are really Mexican cowboys even though they're not at all but are kind of similar. The bulls tell all their secrets to Falcons, who then fly around and avoid lassoes like no other. I don't know. This was my last one. I want to go back to bed.
Predicted winner: Falcons

Giants @ 49ers
UPSET- This week, with the home-habitat advantage, our 49ers have made it to California and are looking for gold. They found one piece too heavy for even a group of them to carry so they enlisted the help of a local Giant named Steggy. Steggy was the Giant whose urine had created the Grand Canyon, so he was quite powerful. The 49ers asked Steggy to move the huge hunk of gold into a nearby town so it could be appraised and agreed to pay him half of the amount. However, treachery was afoot. Steggy lumbered into town with the golden boulder and set it down next to the Appraiser's Office. All the townspeople threw rocks at Steggy's head. He became disoriented and tripped over the gold and succumbed to his injuries after flattening the entire town. But the gold was worth so much that the people built a shiny new town and somehow incorporated the Giant's body into it. So the new town thrived as Steggy rotted away. It was probably a very smelly town. But thanks for the Grand Canyon, Steggy.
Predicted winner: 49ers

Patriots @ Broncos
A gaggle of Patriots tried to invade a farm, unaware that Broncos defend their homes as vigorously as Patriots do. These Broncos were happy to live on a farm, being taught how to be less wild and stop bucking. Until the Battle Of The Bronco Barn, humans didn't know that other animals could form militaristic strategy. The Broncos knew their farm like the back of their hooves, which apparently was once three toes. The Patriots tried to shoot the Broncos but the constant galloping and trotting led to mass confusion. The Patriots ended up shooting each other (mostly by mistake) and the Broncos went on to be tamed and eat many carrots.
Predicted winner: Broncos
MONDAY 11/13

Dolphins @ Panthers
In water, Dolphins are fast movers who can attack fiercely if necessary. On land, Dolphins are generally useless where Panthers roam freely like mighty… Panthers. Dolphins breathe air so they should be able to battle on land, yes? No. Their bodies would overheat and dry out, and that's gross. But did you know that Panthers are allergic to Dolphin meat? Neither did I until I made that up five seconds ago. Allergic or not, Panthers would certainly prevail in a land battle because Dolphins were made to live in water and water is scary because that's where slimy monsters live.
Predicted winner: Panthers

Wins after 8 weeks
Mike Celuch: 72; ESPN's NFL "experts": 71; SpoolyGoo: 69

I know it's not NFL but it's excellent.

Week 9 (6 teams on bye)


Bills vs. Jets

There was a rich guy named Bill. Oddly, he had a brother named Rich who was a bill guy. But this isn't about Rich. Bill owned a Jet and piloted it himself. While flying one day, Bill encountered a large amount of turbulence. Bill got very scared because the shaking wasn't stopping. The Jet's speedometers and whatever else Jets have were going haywire. Bill decided his only option was to eject from the plane. So he hit the eject button because he was so rich that his Jet had one. While falling to Earth, Bill watched his poor Jet get ripped apart. Then he landed in the lion enclosure at a local zoo. The lions ate Bill. And Rich was very sad. But Bill had outlived his Jet. RIP, rich guy named Bill.

Predicted winner: Bills


Buccaneers vs. Saints
Saint Bucky, they call him. He was a Buccaneer who got canonized. That means he died but his memory or spirit or whatever was officially declared a Saint. As a Buccaneer, Saint Bucky ransacked many ships and towns. But there was something special about one ship. It was run by orphans with bad diseases. Bucky, a very accomplished Buccaneer, couldn't steal from orphans with bad diseases. He climbed aboard the ship and helped guide the orphans with bad diseases to a land where cure were sure to exist. When Bucky got back to his Buccaneer ship, his fellow Buccaneers assumed he had caught at least one bad disease from the orphans with bad diseases and threw him overboard. Bucky drowned, but the orphans with bad diseases became orphans who once had bad diseases. Pour one out for Saint Bucky.
Predicted winner: Saints (I don't really know why based on that story.)

Rams vs. Giants
There's a story from (I think) Greek Mythology about a Giant getting tricked into thinking that people were Rams. Or something. I'm gonna go look it up and you should too.
Predicted winner: Rams
PS- It's from Homer's Odyssey and the Giant is a Cyclops. Check it out.

Bengals vs. Jaguars
This is set to be one fabulous feline fracas. Looking ferocious in their stripes, the Bengals march onto the field ready for action. Sleek in their spotted coats, the Jaguars sashay to meet their opponents. I wish I knew more about fashion modeling to continue this but I don't so instead read this very credible article which sort of explains why a tiger would win in broken English. Read it aloud in a bad Russian accent for full effect.
Predicted winner: Bengals
Colts vs. Texans
Colts in Texas are known as Texlts. It's unpronounceable, but that doesn't mean it isn't true. A young Texlt named Stool was galloping when he encountered a gaggle of Texans. They were all firing guns and shouting with boots on even though it was really hot and sandals would've been more appropriate. Stool was scared of the Texans but knew his Texlt friends would quickly come to his rescue if there was trouble. Well, the Texans started trouble, the Texlts didn't show up to help because they were getting castrated, and Stool got shot 15 times because violence is always the right thing to do.
Predicted winner: Texans

Cardinals vs. 49ers
Nearing Arizona because they took a wrong turn at Albuquerque, our gold-seekers encountered some small red birds. The 49ers saw no danger in setting down their cups of water while setting up their tents, so they… set down their cups of water while setting up their tents. The nearby Cardinals took this as their opportunity to drop things into the cups of water. Most of the birds used stones but one decided to drop a clump of peyote. The 49er who drank from that cup- Jeff- got horribly sick. His friends told him he be trippin' but they didn't know he actually was trippin'. They gave him no aid nor medication so Jeff slipped away from life. But no one really liked him so they weren't very upset.
Predicted winner: Cardinals
PS- I have no idea if peyote can come in clumps nor if it can kill a man named Jeff. So there.

Raiders vs. Dolphins
Raiders don't only do their Raiding on land. They've been known to Raid the seas, which is commonly where Dolphins live. Dolphins gather and collect gold. Raiders love gold but they dislike the whole merry gathering and collecting part. They'd rather do it immorally. So a group of Raiders dove into the ocean after Dolphin gold. They Dolphins were onto their plot, however, and quickly chased them away.
Predicted winner: Dolphins

Falcons vs. Panthers
A long time ago, while on vacation in Mongolia, a Panther named Shpep met a young hunter who was using a Falcon to find game. (How awesome is falconry?) The Panther immediately ate the hunter and the Falcon declared war on him. They battled fiercely but Shpep was too much for the Falcon to overtake. The animals have been natural enemies ever since.
Predicted winner: Panthers
Ravens vs. Titans
"My kind are the rulers of the world now," said Blorth the Raven after landing on a Ed the Titan's shoulder. "Fine with me," said Ed, who was growing weary of the ruling Titan lifestyle. Ed packed a lunch and went sailing. Blorth didn't think that would be so easy. But you know what's not easy? Ruling the world. Blorth had a lot of learning to do.
Predicted winner: Ravens

Broncos vs. Eagles
Before horses were invented, Eagles were used to carry people and goods over long distances. These majestic creatures would soar high above Earth with food and supplies and people on their mighty Eagle backs. But their rate of success was terrible. Food rotted in the thin air, the birds (who used to live in wood and metal) ate many of the supplies, and people of all sorts would fall off, plummeting to the ground in terrifying spinning motion things. I can't think of what they're called right now. Then a noble caveman rode into town on a sleek and powerful Bronco. The other cavemen quickly saw how much easier and safer this animal would be for transportation so they killed all the Eagles and the notorious Mighty Eagle Feast.
Predicted winner: Broncos

Redskins vs. Seahawks
Redskin Reggie was wounded in last week's battle with the Cowboys. As soon as it was over, he shouted to the god of water buffaloes that he wanted to beat the hell out of an imaginary bird. The god of water buffaloes is generally an obliger (apparently not an actual word) so he granted Redskin Reggie's wish. It will be a massacre. There will be imaginary feathers everywhere. Redskin Reggie shall win this day.
Predicted winner: Redskins

Chiefs vs. Cowboys
The Cowboys triumphed over the Redskins last week but now their leaders are looking for revenge. Many good Cowboys were lost in the battle against the largely-unorganized foe. With their numbers depleted against a stealthier enemy the Cowboys won't stand a chance against vengeful Chiefs. Unless, of course, Cowboy Carl shows up. But he won't because his son has the flu.
Predicted winner: Chiefs


Lions vs. Packers
UPSET- While loading a moving van, a Packer noticed a large box he had not put in it. He saw something so he said something. Police arrived and he told them about the situation. Approaching the large box, the bomb squad engineers noticed a noise coming from it. The large box began to shake then a Lion broke it apart and emerged. It ate one of the engineers. Police shot the jungle cat until it moved no more. The Packer was pleased, as he'd always hated Lions since that time at the circus…
Predicted winner: Packers

Week 8 (6 teams on bye)


Dolphins vs. Ravens

Ravens don't usually land on water. Dolphins like to jump out of the water. One fine day, a Raven named Keen landed near a cruise ship. Some nearby Dolphins were putting on a show for the passengers because Dolphins are aware of people and how easily amused we are. One Dolphin, Ping Pong, leapt out of the water and hundreds of old people swooned. Keen, however, did not swoon, for he was underneath Ping Pong. He desperately tried to flap his wings for a getaway but Ravens' wings become three times as heavy when wet*. Keen could not get out of the way and Ping Pong crushed him. Raven feathers flew everywhere and some fish made them into headdresses.

Predicted winner: Dolphins

*probably not true

SUNDAY 10/29

Vikings vs. Browns
At the beginning of the season, I predicted that the Browns would do horribly while the Vikings dominated, strictly based on their names. Apparently in real life (if the NFL can be considered real life) the Browns are winless and the Vikings are at the top of their division. Damn, I'm good.
Predicted winner: Vikings

Bears vs. Saints
Do Bears go to Heaven? This timeless question asked around the world has a simple answer- of course they do. Bears seem intimidating and violent but it's only because Nature made them that way. Bears naturally do many good things like maiming tourists who get too close to them despite warning signs and common sense. Saints, however, must try to be good. And trying is stupid.
Predicted winner: Bears

Colts vs. Bengals
According to Hinduism, the first-ever horse was named Uchchaihshravas. (Say that three times fast. Or just once.) He had seven heads and could fly. He was the king of horses (maybe because he was the only one) and was often ridden by gods and/or demons. Horses don't know good and evil. They only know hay and carrots. But that's better than being endangered.
Predicted winner: Colts
49ers vs. Eagles
This week on their way to California, the 49ers encounter a vicious gang of Eagles. There is no luck for these gold-seekers, as they have wagon wheels and single-shot rifles while each Eagle has a plethora of talons. The Eagles will rip apart several 49ers and leave the remains for their good cousins, vultures. I have no idea if Eagles and vultures are actually related nor do I remotely care. Remember, I created this world.
Predicted winner: Eagles

Texans vs. Seahawks
Since Seahawks don't actually exist, we'll say a Texan had a dream about a Seahawk. The bird was massive and lived on top of trains. Our dream Texan was about to board a train when the Seahawk swooped down and stole his luggage. He had everything in there. His wallet, his socks, his favorite spatula for some reason. The Texan wept as the Seahawk resumed his perch atop the train. Then the Texan woke up. What was the meaning of the dream? Nothing. What did he learn from the dream? Also nothing. But he was alive and real, which is more than I can say for any Seahawk.
Predicted winner: Texans

Steelers vs. Lions
In some place, a young ruffian thought it would be funny to break into the zoo and let the animals free. All the cages were securely locked except for the one containing Lions. The hoodlum let them out and they promptly ate him then ran toward the exit, which was also not securely locked. (The security department at this zoo was just awful.) The Lions ran to the nearest building, which happened to be a Steel factory filled with workers putting in overtime. They should have been putting in more hours at the gym because not one of them was able to outrun the Lions. The Lions were eventually caught and returned to the zoo. The Steel factory had to close.
Predicted winner: Lions

Chargers vs. Patriots
A Patriot named Sam (after his uncle) was so zealous and drunk one night that he went into a field with his country's flag on a metal pole.  He waved it around while shouting at the sky. The sky responded with some heavy rain and a brisk Charge of lightning. We all know that metal is a conductor of lightning. The metal supporting the flag, however, was a superconductor. It was made of niobium. A niobium flagpole. The Charge struck the Patriot's pole and fried him to a deep crisp. As his charred body fell, the pole got lodged upright into the ground. This was exactly how he wanted to go out.
Predicted winner: Chargers

Panthers vs. Buccaneers
A Buccaneer ship was leaving Somalia to wreak havoc on unsuspecting cargo boats. At the same time, three Panthers from Ethiopia sneakily sneaked onto a cargo boat leaving from Oman. The Panthers ate all of the cargo people, who were vastly unprepared to fight large cats. The cargo boat sailed aimlessly until the Buccaneers caught sight of it. They drank rum and invaded the boat, expecting a weak fight from cargo people and lots of valuable booty to steal. Instead, they received sharp teeth and claws. Now two vessels were floating around aimlessly in the Arabian Sea.
Predicted winner: Panthers

Raiders vs. Bills
UPSET- A band of Raiders had a trader among their ranks. Yes, a traitor Raider. (He was also a day trader and Rollerblader who enjoyed Darth Vader.) His name was Bill. Raider Bill betrayed his life-long Raider friends in the worst way possible. He was such a scumbag. What he did is still talked about to this very day. His treachery will secure him a spot in the Treason Hall Of Fame. It cannot be understated how devious and vicious Raider Bill's duplicity was. Benedict Arnold himself returned from the grave to give a speech about Raider Bill, saying not even he could commit such an act. One day, in the faraway future, when History books are outlawed and World War 24 is happening, mankind might be able to recover from what Raider Bill unleashed upon his companions. Seriously, what a jerk.
Predicted winner: Bills

Falcons vs. Jets
Has a Falcon ever flown into a Jet and been shredded to bits? Probably.
Predicted winner: Jets

Cowboys vs. Redskins
In a match-up that was made for this blog, let's get to it... A Redskin named Wet Bison once trespassed on Cowboy Rick's land. Rick was locked and loaded but Wet Bison declared that the land, in fact, used to belong to his tribe. Rick, a forward-thinking Cowboy, felt sorry that his ancestors took land which was occupied by Wet Bison's people. He invited the Redskin in for a dinner of steak and corn and other stereotypical Cowboy fare. Wet Bison accepted but assumed that Rick was being deceptive. Before the feast, Cowboy Rick handed Wet Bison a steak knife. The Redskin quickly jabbed it into the Cowboy's neck, killing him instantly. Not knowing what to do, Wet Bison ran around the house. In the parlor, he found a picture of someone he deduced was Rick's great-grandpappy standing next to- gasp!- his own great-grandpappy, Cunning Puma. Their families had been friendly. Delirious, Wet Bison went to Cowboy Rick's corpse, took the knife out of his neck, recited a native prayer, and… cut up the rest of his steak. It was a top sirloin which should not have been wasted. Wet Bison drank all the firewater he could find then stumbled home.
Predicted winner: Redskins

MONDAY 10/30

Broncos vs. Chiefs
The mightiest of Chiefs ride on the mightiest of Broncos. This gives them an edge over their enemies, who are also mighty Chiefs riding mighty Broncos. (War is so stupid.) One night in the stable, the Broncos had a Bronco meeting. They were sick of being ridden into battle against other Broncos, who were their friends and sometimes relatives. There was to be a revolt. At the next battle, all of the Broncos bucked feverishly, flinging the Chiefs to the ground. Angered, the Chiefs decided to spear each other's Broncos. The horses hadn't planned on that! So all the Broncos were dead and the Chiefs went into teepees to smoke peace pipes. War had been averted and the tribes lived in harmony until some other gang or whatever tried to kill them all.
Predicted winner: Chiefs

Week 7 (2 teams on bye)


Chiefs vs. Raiders

One time on the plains, many Chiefs were having an important meeting about Chief things. Suddenly, a gaggle of Raiders showed up to Raid the village. They burned things, broke things, and stole women. The Chiefs were not happy about this. They organized an excellent attack plan but had no warriors to execute it. The Raiders cut all the Chiefs' heads off then took their feathers and drums.

Predicted winner: Raiders

SUNDAY 10/22

Ravens vs. Vikings
Vikings frequently used Ravens to communicate throughout the Seven Kingdoms. Sometimes they flew impossibly fast but they always got to their destinations unharmed even though surely ONE would've succumbed to the elements or gotten captured by the enemy. Oh, that's something else? Well, if Vikings HAD used Ravens to communicate, they obviously would have celebrated each letter received by snapping the Raven in half and using its blood to make mead.
Predicted winner: Vikings

Jets vs. Dolphins
Didn't this happen already? Let me check… Sure did. I correctly predicted the Jets to be victorious four weeks ago but this battle shall belong to the Dolphins because they're smart and I can't think of anything clever.
Predicted winner: Dolphins

Cardinals vs. Rams
When Cardinals land on the horns of Rams, the Rams get quite confused. They're aware that something landed on their person (or Ram) but can't feel nor see it. The Cardinals then begin pecking away. However, Rams have very hard heads (probably) so the Cardinals' beaks get all smushed and bent like in cartoons. Then they get dizzy and fall to the ground, becoming Ramfood. Tough way to go.
Predicted winner: Rams

Jaguars vs. Colts
A young Colt name Murphy was prancing around the range one day when a gaggle of Jaguars came upon him. (This may not be geographically accurate.) The hungry Jaguars inched in but the young Colt thought they wanted to play. So he pranced some more, then got pounced-on and eaten.
Predicted winner: Jaguars

Cowboys vs. 49ers
The 49ers of my nonsense world haven't had very good luck getting to California. This time they met a squadron of Cowboys. With guns clickin' and boots clackin', the Cowboys scared many 49ers into turning around completely. Those who stayed were lassoed, hog-tied, and…I don't know…skinned alive. This was an especially vicious group of Cowboys.
Predicted winner: Cowboys

Seahawks vs. Giants
Birds that don't exist against huge people who don't exist. I mean, there are big people, but not Giants. Since Seahawks aren't real, let's make them very big. One day, a humble Giant named Trayvon was planting a Giant garden. In swooped a Seahawk who stole all of Trayvon's carrots. Huge Seahawks love carrots. But that particular Seahawk was allergic to carrots. He didn't know because his appointment with the Seahawk allergist was supposed to be next Tuesday. So the Seahawk died and the Giant laughed. It was a huge laugh. It shook the whole world and caused mudslides. And that's how mudslides happen.
Predicted winner: Giants

Falcons vs. Patriots
The symbol of the United States in an eagle. Apparently Benjamin Franklin thought it should've been a turkey. But few people* know that Founding Father and law guy John Jay had an affinity for Falcons. Jay made his opinion known but the Great Bird Symbol Decision was made, resulting in the bald eagle stealing the spotlight which had not been invented yet. Furious, John Jay founded a school in New York (or it was named after him; whatever) and denounced all Falcons. Nobody would accuse John Jay of being a non-Patriot whose love for country overpowered his love for Falcon.
Predicted winner: Patriots
*zero people, do to untruth

Saints vs. Packers
'Oh, we do lots of nice things.' 'Oh, we load moving vans.' What a yawn of a match-up. Joan Of Arc is a saint. She also had syphilis and was burned alive. As for a famous Packer, I can't even name the guy who last helped pack my goods. (Yes I can. It was Mike Celuch.) This battle goes to Joan.
Predicted winner: Saints

Panthers vs. Bears
UPSET- Have you ever seen a Panther? They're huge. Even the kittens are terrifying. Bears are also huge but their cubs look playful and silly. During a previous battle between these unnatural foes, their offspring also battled. You couldn't keep 'em separated! This was fiercer than the adult conflict. In the end, the Jaguars kittens were able to trick all the Bear cubs into thinking they were cute and innocent then ripped them apart and wore their Bear furs to brag. The Panther adults, who had won their bout as well, were very proud.
Predicted winner: Panthers

Buccaneers vs. Bills
Have you ever heard of Buccaneer Bill? What do you think he would have to say about this match-up? On one hand, he CHOSE to be a Buccaneer. The other hand says he was BORN to be Bill. Buccaneer Bill was absolutely torn about this match-up. Buccaneer Bill decided to let fate determine the outcome. He had some friends named Bill, which he gathered under the guise of bowling because fat guys named Bill love bowling. Unbeknownst to the Bills, Buccaneer Bill also conjured some Buccaneer friends who got mad because they couldn't bowl due to their hook hands. They were so mad that they shredded all of the Bills and the bowling alley's lanes were greased with Bill blood for a week.
Predicted winner: Buccaneers

Titans vs. Browns
The former rules of Earth were not Brown. Probably.
Predicted winner: Titans

Bengals vs. Steelers
Can a skilled smith get Steel as sharp as a Bengal's fang? Do Bengals have fangs? These are all good questions. The one thing which must be noted is that Bengals are large and ferocious and Steelers tend to drink lots of beer after clocking out of work. A drunken Steeler would not be a contest against a hungry striped cat, sober or not. (This one was stupid.)
Predicted winner: Bengals

Broncos vs. Chargers
A Bronco bucked once and was struck by a Charge of lightning. This coincidence was captured on video by amateurs who happened to be obsessed with horses AND electricity. Overjoyed, the amateurs jumped into their car (which runs on horsepower) and posted the video on social media (which runs on electricity). Frightened by this revelation, the amateurs had immediate heart attacks. Meanwhile, the Bronco came back from the dead and ate the amateurs. I don't know what the point of this was.
Predicted winner: Broncos

MONDAY 10/23

Redskins vs. Eagles
As stated above (and in History textbooks everywhere), an Eagle is the symbol of the United States. However, some might argue that it should be a Redskin because the white man knew about them before knowing about Eagles. Something like that. Before Europeans showed up, Redskins were happily killing Eagles by the dozen for food, fancy headgear, and to make weapons from their talons. Horrible Italian Christopher Columbus ended the Redskins' domination over Eagles by killing everybody. So now an Eagle is our national avian symbol. Yippee.
Predicted winner: Eagles

This is Trey Wingo. Look at his stupid face.

Week 6 (4 teams on bye)


Eagles vs. Panthers

Have you ever realized that Eagles are the same size as Panthers? We just can't tell because of their wingspan and habit of soaring. However, this is not true. Panthers are much bigger.

Predicted winner: Panthers

SUNDAY 10/15

Bears vs. Ravens
While pouncing through the forest, a kindly Bear came upon an unkindness of Ravens. (If you haven't been paying attention, the group of Ravens is called an unkindness.) The Bear was taken aback, as tends to happen to Bears when they meet Ravens. The lead Raven squawked loudly then flew directly at the Bear, who promptly smashed it to the ground with his mighty Bear paw.
Predicted winner: Bears

49ers vs. Redskins
When the 49ers arrived down Californy way, there was a tribe of Redskins waiting for them. While the 49ers brought pans with the intention of panning for gold, they first used them to deflect arrows and tomahawks. This is a little-known fact but trust me; I was there and I saw these pans deflect things but ultimately topple because the Redskins also had spears.
Predicted winner: Redskins

Dolphins vs. Falcons
What's been happening with the Dolphins? That's the only storyline I've had going. They were electrified then something about a plane. I don't feel like checking but I'll tell you this much- you don't see a Dolphin getting captured and used for a stupid stunt at Medieval Times.
Predicted winner: Dolphins

Patriots vs. Jets
A Patriot tried to leave his country once. His fell out of the Jet.
Predicted winner: Jets

Rams vs. Jaguars
Jaguars have sharp teeth but no horns.
Predicted winner: Rams

Steelers vs. Chiefs
The advent of steel revolutionized the weapons industry*. Steelers were able to create sturdy swords and eventually guns**. Chiefs did not use steel but relied on wooden weapons and tactical advantages. During the Industrial Revolution, a group of steel workers left the factory one day and were confronted by a tribe of Chiefs. Only Chiefs, for some reason. The Steelers, though heavily armed because they commonly took their work home with them, did not know how to properly utilize their steel weapons. It was a slaughter, and slaughter is the best medicine.
Predicted winner: Chiefs
*saw this on TV so it's obviously true

Packers vs. Vikings
Viking families moved around a lot. There were factors such as lack of food in the cold Winter and terrifying animals like wolves. Vikings, being busy doing Vikings things, would often hire Packers to move their Viking belongings. Then they would massacre the Packers and eat their skin.
Predicted winner: Vikings

Lions vs. Saints
One time, a Saint was praying that a Lion wouldn't eat him. Then a Lion ate him.
Predicted winner: Lions

Browns vs. Texans
Damn it, Browns. Stop being a color and facing enemies who have guns.
Predicted winner: Texans

Buccaneers vs. Cardinals
In this highly-anticipated battle of the teams with the longest names (look it up), the Buccaneers hold a one-letter edge. However, this isn't about length. (That's what I said.) One day, a Buccaneer named Fluffy Funbeard got very drunk on grog. He woke up the next morning (quite groggy) and sought his regularly trusted parrot. During the night, that parrot was eaten by a vicious Cardinal. Fluffy put this Cardinal uponst his shoulder and it immediately pecked at his eye. However, it was Fluffy's eyepatch eye, which stunned the Cardinal and knocked him out. Confused, Fluffy wandered too close to The Plank and fell into the sea. The Cardinal regained consciousness and was promptly eaten by the ship's cat. Sure, Buccaneer ships had cats, just like they all had eyepatches and planks.
Predicted winner: Cardinals

Chargers vs. Raiders
Thor was a mighty Norse god. He would often harness Charges while going on Raids. I don't think he really did that but it would've been awesome. When used properly, a Charging Raider is unstoppable. However, against each other, lightning would obviously win.
Predicted winner: Chargers

Giants vs. Broncos
UPSET- Giants are huge. Relatively, Broncos are small. However, in this universe, there was once a Bronco who was a mighty bucker. He'd buck all day and buck all night. (It's all good; it's all right.) Any person, animal, or plant that got on top of him would promptly get bucked off. One day, a bunch of Giants were having a Giant meeting about Giant issues. They had heard about the Bronco. Parpy, the bravest of the Giants, announced he would ride the Bronco without getting bucked off. He didn't succeed.
Predicted winner: Broncos

MONDAY 10/16

Colts vs. Titans
A young Titan farmer was counting the pigs one day. He got up to 12 when a Colt came along, turned himself around, and gave the Titan a vicious double-kick. However, this hit the Titan's legs, which were massive because he did a lot of Titan squats. The Colt was the one who got hurt then fell down and the pigs are him. There were 22 total pigs, by the way.
Predicted winner: Titans

Week 5 (4 teams on bye)


Patriots vs. Buccaneers

Many* History books do not mention** the importance of Buccaneers during the American Revolution. These rogues were not on either side of the war, but their own. They happily plundered and pillaged and said all sorts of stereotypical things that they probably didn't really say like, 'Arr, matey'. Patriots died, Redcoats died, and Buccaneers reaped the benefits. On the eve of one battle which I will not name***, numerous Buccaneers raided the Patriots' camp. They assailed, assaulted, and generally shivered timbers all night. Heavily depleted, the Patriot army could not win the battle and therefore lost the war and here we are today. Wait, that doesn't make sense. Replace Patriots' camp with Redcoats' camp and you'll be happily on your way. But how does this choose the winner?

Predicted winner: Buccaneers
**because it's not true
***cannot name due to it being completely false


49ers vs. Colts
49ers rode Colts to California in search of gold. Probably. Maybe. I'm sure some kind of horse was involved. But which species survived more trips without succumbing to dysentery or being killed for meat? Well, California isn't exactly run by horses. Just ask former Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Predicted winner: 49ers

Jaguars vs. Steelers
Could you imagine a Jaguar made of Steel? That would be awesome.
Predicted winner: Jaguars

Bills vs. Bengals
You know when you call a big company's customer service department and a guy with a thick Indian accent answers then tells you his name is Bill because being an American is so cool? Well, Bill got eaten by a Bengal yesterday. He left behind one wife, three gods, seventeen children, and a cupboard full of curry. Bill was a nice man.
Predicted winner: Bengals

Titans vs. Dolphins
Mythologically, Triton was the messenger of the sea. I guess he swam around handing people letters. But he also could control waves and tides. That's neat and could really screw a Dolphin up. Though not a Titan, Triton rhymes with Titan. See what I did there? I sure don't.
Predicted winner: Titans

Ravens vs. Raiders
Raiders are often Pirates and Pirates are often seen with tamed birds on their shoulders. However, those birds are parrots or some other colorful nonsense. Ravens are much bigger than parrots. And without a parrot, a Raider will fall into the sea.
Predicted winner: Ravens

Packers vs. Cowboys
A guy named Stim was packing his car for a lovely day at the beach. He loaded a chair to sit on because he likes to sit on chairs. A Cowboy crept up behind Stim, lassoed the chair, then smashed Stim's face with it. It was quite a manly display for no reason at all.
Predicted winner: Cowboys

Jets vs. Browns
What a boring match-up. (Apparently in real life, too.) A UPS plane would unite these sides. But if I were at war, I'd much rather be in a Jet than wearing a Brown outfit.
Predicted winner: Jets

Chargers vs. Giants
When lightning Charges strike, Giants are often the first to get hit because they are taller than regular people. They can withstand one Charge but not multiple. However, it's said that lightning never strikes the same place twice. But that has been proven false. I don't know what the point is.
Predicted winner: Giants

Panthers vs. Lions
Panthers dominate the Americas but leopards- a breed of Panther- is often hunted by Lions in African. The greatest threat to all big cats, however, is people. Deforestation and poaching have led to both species' habitats being diminished. This unfortunate and frankly unnatural dilemma has caused Panthers and Lions to seek refuge in unexpected places, such as areas near human activity. This has led to even more killing of large cats in a vicious cycle which has feline numbers heading toward endangerment status and ultimately extinction. Be kind.
Predicted winner: Lions

Cardinals vs. Eagles
A flock of Cardinals is sometimes called a Vatican because there are human Cardinals in the Vatican who decide things or whatever they do. A group of Eagles is called a Convocation, which means a formal assembly. These are important factors in deciding a winner in this battle of the birds.
Predicted winner: Cardinals

Seahawks vs. Rams
UPSET- Because Seahawks are fictional birds, I can make them as strong as I want. And this week, a Seahawk has enough might to pick up a fully-grown Ram, fly it over a volcano, then drop the horned beast into the lava. Or is it still magma? The hot stuff!
Predicted winner: Seahawks

Chiefs vs. Texans
Once upon a time, there were many Chiefs in Texas. I guess they were the original Texans. Then other people came in and called themselves Texans. An Italian whose own country didn't support him would've referred to the Chiefs as Indians. Italians and Texans are horrible. Happy Bullshit Columbus Day.
Predicted winner: Chiefs


Vikings vs. Bears
This here is an AWESOME matchup. Bears are huge and furry and scary while Vikings are… huge and furry and scary. Bears have sharp claws and teeth; Vikings have sharp axes and swords. These fierce tribes have had many battles in the cold mountains. However, on top of being awesome, Vikings are humans who can strategize and axes are better than stupid claws.
Predicted winner: Vikings

Week 4


Bears vs. Packers

I was packing my car before a move and a Bear showed up. Surprisingly, it helped me, as I was lifting something quite heavy. I had a beer with the Bear. Then he ate my face. Lesson learned.
Predicted winner: Bears


Saints vs. Dolphins
Not many people know that Dolphins can become Saints after they die. But there are more human Saints, like Joan Of Arc, who was probably insane from syphilis. She's a Saint, right? Whatever. Joan is playing for the Saints this week and she will lead her legion of other French Saints into the ocean to cause chaos for the Dolphins. But killing many Dolphins might make more Dolphins Saints, so we'll see what happens next week. If I remember this.
Predicted winner: Saints

Titans vs. Texans
When the Titans ruled the world, one of them stepped on Texas. A Texan said, in typical Texan fashion, "You may rule the world but you don't rule Texas." The Titan informed the Texan that Texas is part of the world, so he actually did rule it. Then the Texan shot the Titan.
Predicted winner: Texans

Jaguars vs. Jets
A group of Jaguars once chartered a Jet to fly from Florida to Colombia because they wanted to do lots of drugs. But the Jet crashed. All the Jaguars died and the Jet was destroyed. I don't know. This is a stupid match-up.
Predicted winner: Jets

Panthers vs. Patriots
ROAR, said the Panther as it bit down on the neck of the guy who loves his country.
Predicted winner: Panthers

Lions vs. Vikings
Now this is a grand battle. Lions would certainly have the advantage in the desert but this clash will take place in the cold sub-Arctic. Regular Lions aren't so good in the cold but mountain Lions are. This will be a fierce fight with many casualties on both sides. But obviously the Vikings will win because they're Vikings and Lions are cats and cats are terrible.
Predicted winner: Vikings

Bills vs. Falcons
UPSET- A Falcon swooped down to grab a $5 Bill in its mighty talons. It shredded the Bill and fed it to her child-Falcons. They all choked and died. The Falcon, extremely upset, jumped out of the nest and refused to fly, committing Falcon-suicide. This was a sad day for Falcons.
Predicted winner: Bills

Steelers vs. Ravens
A group of Ravens is called an 'unkindness'. That's awesome.
Predicted winner: Ravens

Bengals vs. Browns
Brown, though still a color, continues to fight hard against all enemies. Bengals, which are ferocious tigers with stripes and sharp teeth, eat everything, including colors. I'm sick of the Browns losing. They're probably gonna win next week.
Predicted winner: Bengals

Rams vs. Cowboys
Had the Cowboys been Ramboys, this would be a no-brainer. But cows are big and slow and have too many stomachs. Rams have hard heads and horns. A Ram would wreck a Cowboy.
Predicted winner: Rams

Eagles vs. Chargers
Well, who rules the sky? Electric Charges do not have keen eyesight. 'Blitzkrieg' does not mean Eagle War. If a bolt of Charge were to strike an Eagle, the raptor would be done-for. But an Eagle is the animalistic embodiment of America even though it's just a bird and couldn't care less about people. You worship a bird and I'll ride the lightning.
Predicted winner: Chargers

Giants vs. Buccaneers
As I write this, I'm listening to a Pirate metal band from Scotland. The songs are cheerful yet tough and catchy as hell. I imagine Giant music would sound like slowly stomping through mud.
Predicted winner: Buccaneers

49ers vs. Cardinals
Ugh, there are so many bird teams in the NFL. Historically and hysterically, Cardinals have harvested more gold than poor people who pan for it. There are hundreds of stashes of Cardinal gold all over Earth. Some use it for nests while others juggle it as part of their mating dance. Yes, in this world, Cardinals can juggle.
Predicted winner: Cardinals

Raiders vs. Broncos
As stated above, I've always been a Raiders fan. I thought up a funny scenario which would have the Ponies winning but even though I don't care about football, I will never pick them over the Raiders. Sorry for the lack of humor.
Predicted winner: Raiders
Colts vs. Seahawks
Another bird!?!?
Predicted winner: Colts


Redskins vs. Chiefs
So here we are. Students against masters. Generals vs. Privates. Other vampires opposing Dracula. Many Draculas. Whatever. Chiefs will have wisdom; Redskins will have strength. I wish I had something funny to write but this is really interesting to me. I'll have to go with Redskins because there are more of them. Their numbers will dwindle, but they shall not fall.
Predicted winner: Redskins

Week 3


Rams vs. 49ers

Picture it- San Francisco, 1849. A bonehead is sifting through rocks to find shiny golden rocks because they're valuable for some reason. His family is 2,000 miles away and he's had no contact with them since he left home nine months ago. A nearby Ram says to himself 1) 'I have a hard head and sharp horns', and 2) 'I like to have fun'. This Ram, living up to his name, rams the 49er in the buttocks, paralyzing both his body and hopes for the future. Also, all members of the guy's family had already died from dysentery and snakebites.

Predicted winner: Rams


Ravens vs. Jaguars
I saw a cartoon in which a cat was desperately trying to eat a bird. The cat tried many things but always got hurt and/or in trouble. This cat's efforts were valiant and even when he had the bird in his mouth, it got away. But that bird was an obnoxious dickhead.
Predicted winner: Jaguars

Steelers vs. Bears
UPSET- This just in: Superman, aka the Man Of Steel, will be playing for the Steelers this week. The team has made a special uniform for Superman so he can keep his superpowers during the battle. He will look like a regular player so much that no one will be able to tell he is actually Superman. Bears everywhere are frantically searching for a ringer of their own. That weird polar bear thing from Game Of Thrones has not yet answered their calls.
Predicted winner: Steelers

Buccaneers vs. Vikings
I was hoping this iconic matchup would happen this season. Or does it happen every season? I don't remember/care. Pirates against Vikings. Ferocious and infamous warriors all. Vikings drank mead (we think). Buccaneers drank some kind of rum (we think). These drunk and tough bandits were both fierce on the sea. However, I've not heard much about Buccaneers on land. Maybe they just went to sleep. On the other hand, I recently watched a movie about Vikings. Two of them were skiing while dodging arrows and protecting a baby. I'm sure this was 100% historically accurate so there's your winner.
Predicted winner: Vikings

Dolphins vs. Jets
Last week, the Dolphins absorbed electricity to beat the Chargers. They have retained some of that electricity and are seeking to shoot some of it into a large Jet. Unfortunately for them, that Jet would have to crash into the ocean first and the odds of a plane crashing into the ocean are as slim as the odds of a Dolphin absorbing electricity. Wait, what?
Predicted winner: Jets

Falcons vs. Lions
Did you know that Falcons are strong enough to pick up Lions high enough to drop them to their doom? Did you also know that was a horrible lie?
Predicted winner: Lions

Seahawks vs. Titans
In a fictional land, a fictional Titan reached the sea and a fictional Seahawk swooped down to pluck his eyes out. (The word 'pluck' makes eye-removal almost sound charming, huh?) The Titan grabbed the bird and blindly plucked (that word again) its feathers out. The naked Seahawk flew away but didn't actually fly because it didn’t have feathers anymore. The clothed Titan stole another Titans eyes then stomped on the nude bird while screaming, 'Pluck you'.
Predicted winner: Titans

Bengals vs. Packers
There's probably a story about a postal worker in India who got mauled by a large striped cat while packing his truck for the day.
Predicted winner: Bengals

Broncos vs. Bills
Pecos Bill was apparently not a real person but Pecos, Texas, is the sight of the world's first rodeo. Rodeos are all about breaking Broncos who like to buck, sometimes known as Bucking Broncos. The rodeo players are probably successful more than half of the time, and I base that on absolutely nothing. Plus rodeos have clowns. That's nice.
Predicted winner: Bills

Saints vs. Panthers
After successfully killing and eating gold-seekers and guys named William, the Panthers should have no problem getting the best of really nice people.
Predicted winner: Panthers

Browns vs. Colts
Colt- young, muscular horse. Brown- color.
Predicted winner: Colts

Texans vs. Patriots
Lots of guns in this battle. Texans only love Texas but Patriots love the entire country, including Texas. So half of the Texans will battle for the Patriots. (If an NFL game was like that, I'd watch.)
Predicted winner: Patriots

Giants vs. Eagles
In an actual land, an actual large guy reached the sea and an actual Eagle swooped down to pluck his eyes out. The Giant grabbed the bird and blindly plucked its feathers out. The naked Eagle flew away but didn't actually fly because it didn’t have feathers anymore. The clothed Giant couldn't steal another Giant's eyes because it doesn't work like that. The Giant tripped over the nude Eagle and rolled down a mountain. The Eagle died, but not before the Giant did.
Predicted winner: Eagles

Chiefs vs. Chargers
Chiefs like to do rain dances and rain often happens when lightning is around so Chiefs can control lightning. Facts.
Predicted winner: Chiefs

Raiders vs. Redskins
Redskins don't have much luck with Raiders. Raiders come into their Redskin towns and demand their Redskin things and the Redskins just talk about the spirit of the water buffalo. I like water buffaloes but that's not the point. Raiders have swords. Or guns. Or whatever.
Predicted winner: Raiders


Cowboys vs. Cardinals
While trying to lasso a cow (if that's what they do), a Cardinal got in the way of a Cowboy's rope. This didn't affect anything though because ropes are heavy compared to small birds. The cow was successfully lassoed and brought to the saloon or whatever happens.
Predicted winner: Cowboys

Week 2


Texans vs. BengalsTwo groups who have never met. Neither has ever traveled abroad*. Hmm. Texans do have guns but Bengals are stealthy. It would really be a matter of opportunity. Bengals would have an easier time hunting at night.
Predicted winner: Bengals
*Likely untrue


Bills vs. Panthers
It's still unclear what a Bill is but regardless a Panther would destroy it.
Predicted winner: Panthers

Vikings vs. Steelers
It would take several Steelers to throw a steel beam at a group of people but only one Viking to throw a spear through each of his enemies at one time.
Predicted winner: Vikings

Patriots vs. Saints
Patriots really like their country. Saints really like being good. Patriots would die for their country. Saints might die for goodness but that'd be weird.
Predicted winner: Patriots

Eagles vs. Chiefs
In an extremely factual and historical battle, a Chief named Swooping Eagle soundly defeated his enemies. While that's probably not true at all, it also doesn't help me decide on a winner. Eagles have an aerial advantage but Chiefs are on the ground and the ground is better.
Predicted winner: Chiefs

Jets vs. Raiders
Last week, the airplane Jets lost to guys named William while the Raiders beat former rulers of the Earth.
Predicted winner: Raiders

Cowboys vs. Broncos
Now this is a truly classic matchup. Master against slave. Teacher against student. Or something like that. Cowboys always try to "break" Broncos but statistically* they get "bucked" three out of every five attempts. Or am I thinking of bulls? This isn't basketball (though Bulls vs. Mavericks would be similar) so the horses will win out of sheer strength. And if they get into trouble, they can call on bulls to help them. This just in- I don't know anything about Texas.
Predicted winner: Broncos
*Didn't look this up at all

Redskins vs. Rams
If an arrow was flying at me, I'd want to be able to headbutt it out of the way.
Predicted winner: Rams

Bears vs. Buccaneers
Bears are tough. They can withstand attacks from rocks, mean names, and bare-handed people. (Yes, they would crush them with their bear hands.) But they could not withstand cannonballs from drunks on ships.
Predicted winner: Buccaneers

Cardinals vs. Colts
UPSET- We found out last week that it's common practice for Colts to get castrated. This used to be done with some gin and a sharp blade. Then ranchers discovered little red birds who have a natural knack for removing horse balls.
Predicted winner: Cardinals

Browns vs. Ravens
The United Parcel Service (UPS) used to have the slogan, 'What can brown do for you?' Gross. So gross that they abandoned it.
Predicted winner: Ravens

Titans vs. Jaguars
Jaguars got revenge last week on gun-toting gun-shooters. The next reasonable enemy up the chain would be former mythological rules of Earth.
Predicted winner: Jaguars

Dolphins vs. Chargers
When a lightning bolt strikes the ocean, Dolphins absorb the Charge*. They become electric Dolphins and wreak havoc throughout the water. They can shoot electricity out of their bottle-noses at unsuspecting fish, whales, and anemones. Amenomes. Amenemenones. Many enemies. This is fierce.
Predicted winner: Dolphins
*Couldn't be less true

49ers vs. Seahawks
In the mid-1880s, many people went to California in search of gold. What many of those many found was birds which don't actually exist. The gold-seekers were tired and weak, so the fraudulent avians attacked with glee.
Predicted winner: Seahawks

Packers vs. Falcons
One day, a guy was packing a box because he was moving to the nicer side of town. He put his favorite childhood toy- a stuffed mouse- into the box. With keen eyesight and unvarying swiftness, a Falcon soaring high about the Packer saw the mouse. It swooped down and grabbed it. The angry Packer threw various things at the Falcon but never hit it. However, the Falcon tried to eat the stuffed mouse but choked to death instead.
Predicted winner: Packers


Lions vs. Giants
Lions hunt in packs called prides. Prides have taken down elephants. Giants are bigger than elephants.
Predicted winner: Giants

Week 1


Chiefs vs. Patriots
I feel like these groups have battled before…
This would be a hard-fought contest between men who love to defend their own kind. Chiefs have earned their way to the top and are master strategists. On the other hand, I've seen The Patriot starring Mel Gibson. His crew ragtag but got the job done convincingly. There is also a movie titled The Patriot starring Steven Seagal, and Steven Seagal is terrible.
Predicted winner: Chiefs


Jets vs. Bills
Now, what is a Bill? A dollar note? The amount you must pay after eating at a restaurant? A nickname for William for some reason? None is very intimidating. A Jet is large and heavy and wouldn't exactly cause damage to you but you'd get very tired trying to beat it up and would have nothing to show for it.
Predicted winner: Jets

Steelers vs. Browns
Steel workers tend to be quite tough while Brown is a color.
Predicted winner: Steelers

Raiders vs. Titans
Raiders are maniacs who like to perform sudden attacks but I don't think the stealthiest of them could outwit a former ruler of Earth.
Predicted winner: Titans

Eagles vs. Redskins
Both American natives (though Eagles don't mind being called Eagles), both of these groups have much pride. I feel like an Eagle could scoop up a young Redskin but an older one would spear the hell out of it.
Predicted winner: Redskins

Panthers vs. 49ers
If I was a panther and I saw some guy running around screaming that he found gold, I'd eat him.
Predicted winner: Panthers

Giants vs. Cowboys
Cowboys may think they're giants but Giants are actually giants. And giants stomp things.
Predicted winner: Giants

Jaguars vs. Texans
These two have a long history* of fighting each other in the wild. Ever since there was such a place as Texas, Jaguars have been trying to take it over. The Great Jaguar Uprising of 1857 was for naught simply because of one factor- guns. Texans have guns. And guns kill cats.
Predicted winner: Texans
*Completely made up

Cardinals vs. Lions
Though fierce, a small red bird would not stand a chance against the king of the jungle who actually lives in the desert, though 'jungle' comes from a Hindi word meaning 'uninhabited place'. The more you know!
Predicted winner: Lions

Falcons vs. Bears
Falcons are vicious but bears are much more viciouser.
Predicted winner: Bears

Ravens vs. Bengals
UPSET- A little-known fact* is that ravens have incredible skill when it comes to homing in on stripes. Their sharp beaks could thrash a tiger to death in a matter of days.
Predicted winner: Ravens
*Totally untrue

Colts vs. Rams
Young horses against man-sheep. Apparently Colts get castrated later in life so they would have more to fight for.
Predicted winner: Colts

Seahawks vs. Packers
Seahawks suffer from identity crises because there is no animal officially known as a Seahawk. Were they full-blown ospreys or auger hawks (which is their mascot that does not live by the sea), they could pose a legitimate threat. But they don't. On the other side, Packers pack things, which is not very intimidating. Still, I'm gonna have to give the edge to people who will move in the near-future instead of the schizophrenic birds.
Predicted winner: Packers


Saints vs. Vikings
Let's see- people who do good things or blood-thirsty barbarians?
Predicted winner: Vikings

Chargers vs. Broncos
A lightning bolt could cause some major crazy damage. A lightning bolt could kill a Bronco. Between the two, I'd rather be run-into by a lightning bolt because I probably wouldn't suffer. That said, a Bronco would cause more suffering, which is a rough-and-tough trait.
Predicted winner: Broncos