Tuesday, October 10, 2017

Pooyaht

Every time we travel, some friends and I bring along a little notepad to write down ridiculous things that get said. I present them here without citations and context. This is the fourth installment. If you'd like to read the first three, search this blog for Muyaht, Neuyaht, and Ooyaht. Enjoy!


Pooyaht
by Odie, Sam, Adam, Stella, and me


Where is the center of Quiznos? No one knows.

What a way to start Pooyaht- by pooping at Stewart.

Something about birds.

Total 6:51:45. Flight turbulence at 31:48, 1:00:50, 1:09:41, 1:23:02, 1:34:28, 1:39:56, 2:29:47, 2:42:45, 3:07:54, 4:22:40, 6:19:00, 6:27:46, 6:30:42, 6:51:45.

No rush, goulash.

Oh, Jimmy broke his back.

Mister Heartbreaker, breakin' hearts.

Do not ball-gag your father.

I'm not retarded. Bill's a wombat.

Well, Tomorrio.

Smell this man's ass. 'Tis a great ass.

When you own a bar or a food place, you have to have bendy straws.

I could definitely eat a hand at some point.

So you're the contact man. I'm the key man. What type of man do you want to be?

I haven't said one thing about butts!

Did you just pull out Twombli?

Odie, don't hurt my friend Rob.

I would love a song about all-you-can-eat buffet.

You want some chips? You don't have to pay for them.

All he has to do is come down and we'll be here.

Any guy who sounds like Nutella is fine with me.

9 pounds. It comes with five people.

Who's Dennis?

IT'S GENETICS. ME HANDS ARE BIG,
BUT SMALL...
BUT THEN...
THE PERFECT WRAP FOR A COCK'S SKIN.
YOU NEED NO LUBE.
YOU NEED NO CHARM.
ALL YOU NEED...
IS A STRONG ARM!

0131 777 7777

N3 -

I gotta do these things before I'm 45. Before I'm 37.

Handsome is not handjob.

Do you like snails and free blackberries?

Get that bean!

Stop looking back. It's weird.

That side smells like hose.

I need to get to the lake so I can wash my ass.

I will always remember Mr. Tweomptay.

Oh man, this is butt-washing water.

The body type of Scotland is a bear claw.
You mean like a cruller???

I like you guys. You smell cheesy and fun.

Put the mic down and put your head in the pool. And don't come up!!!

Pati + Bartek = Oskar

If it has something to do with butts, it's either you or someone like you.

I hate Nirvana. I'd rather listen to Neil Young fuck a cat.

And then there were 3.

The caribou is dying but won't give up.


Sam and Rob said something funny before but I forgot.

It's gorgeous outside... and it doesn't smell like farts.

Blood pudding farts.

And then there was 1.

Patscherkofel has a new lift and I found Jerome. All is good.

Today I am the king of beef farts.

What is the secret of the cold meat?

You're uncomfortable so you get warm and cozy. Then you go outside and get wet and miserable. Seems pointless but that's life.

Jerome gave me a free beer. That's so Jerome of him.

Ladies and gentlemen, we're arriving in Jenbach. Please exit from the right side.

Asian tourists make me happy. They're so goofy and love selfie sticks.

Slovenian men have a real hard time crapping... and they mumble to themselves while doing so.

Attack of the Asian Tourists: Part Two!!! Ljubljana.

I see. He was a crapping bum. Not representative of the average Slovenian.

Pooyaht, pfft. I can't wait until Armyaht.

Dennis the monk from Ljubljana. A good guy.

It was peaceful here. And then Italians came.

So many people are telling us on the walls what to think and do.

Gross slob to my left. Indian man punching is leg to my right. Everything is normal.

Nice flight... but everyone has hemorrhoid farts.

Why do the Irish still have that accent? The air? Because the buildings are small? I know there's an intelligent answer but... maybe it's because they have so many sheep.

Being in an 800-year-old church is cool. Being in an 80-year-old bar is cooler.

Yup. After 12 years of analysis, old fat American white women are horrible.

Vienna is the best airport to crap in. Privacy. Big stall. A hanger for your coat. A hanger for your bag. Plenty of toilet paper and hand sanitizer.

Now it smells like giant poop and shit on this plane.

How is it possible to keep the happy-go-lucky traveler's mindset once going back home when you're surrounded by morons!?! They announced it'd be a 7-hour flight when we got on the plane. Now, about 3 hours into the flight these old fucks are shocked there's 4 hours left. What part of the booking, traveling, checking in, going through security, and boarding did they miss? FUUUUUCK!!!

2 hours and 20 minutes left of the flight. I will try to fill the remaining pages of Pooyaht.

Wednesday, October 04, 2017

Half-Stewish


Half-Stewish
by Rob Cottignies

There is a guy named Stew, like the food only much more annoying and probably less-tasty. Stew has the rare condition of being completely allergic to shutting the hell up. Stew went to the Podiatrist. Stew didn't want to go to the Podiatrist. But Stew's foot was cracking and his regular doctor suggested going to the Podiatrist. So Stew went to the Podiatrist. And there was quiet in the land. Then Stew returned to tell me all about the Podiatrist.

This happened within a few hours of my meeting Stew. I hate Stew. Not only does Stew constantly speak but he'll blurt out uninteresting things simply to ignite more speaking. His father has to stop drinking for a month. He doesn't understand why there aren't stricter gun laws. He ate portabella fries the other day. Oh yeah, Stew is a hipster extraordinaire. Stew is inadvertently condescending. (You know what that word means, right?) And Stew is very politically-correct because he doesn't want to offend anyone.

Stew told me a story about a guy who said "the K word" on TV. Stew whispered "the K word" after looking around to make sure no one else could hear it in a setting with very few people, none of whom would've been offended.

Kike was the K word this guy had uttered which Stew could not bring himself to say. Certainly not a pleasant word but one which should only be taken sorely if it's yelled in a mean way. (However, some would say it's only a word so get over it.)

On my train ride home, I realized I had missed a grand opportunity. My response to Stew's whisper should've been, 'What K word?' I should've made him say it just to watch the discomfort on his Stew-pid face. Then I should've asked what the word meant, after which I should've explained that when Jewish people entered America after some distasteful incidents throughout Europe, many of them could not write their names in English on the entry forms. Instead, they drew a circle. The Yiddish word for 'circle' is 'keikl' [kike-uhl]. So the agents referred to them as Kikes. See? Not offensive. (And yes, I just quoted my own blog.)

However, none of this happened. In the time it would have taken me to say that, Stew rambled about new video games and every quirky cartoon on YouTube, so I'd have to wait until next time.
Next time came around and Stew was still relentlessly speaking, which I assumed was just a run-on sentence continued from the week before. At one point, Stew was ranting about Lenny Kravitz for some ungodly reason. Stew mentioned that Lenny is half-black and half-Jewish. I had him. It was time to play dumb-but-ultimately-smarter.

"How can someone be half-Jewish?" I asked. I also wondered which half of the Torah Lenny believed. Stew said that Judaism is both a religion and a nationality. I told him it was not, as this blog by a Rabbi confirms. He gave several more replies, each of which garnered "But how can you be half of a religion?" from me. Then, finally, he shut up. Two entire minutes went by without Stew saying a word. I had beaten Hipster Stew.

The phrase 'half-Jewish' is unique, too. I've never heard anyone referred to as half-Buddhist or half-Pastafarian. So why does half-Jewish happen? (If you're still wondering, now would be a good time to read that blog by the Rabbi.)

As for Stew, I expect that the next time I have to put up with him he will talk endlessly about things which are only of interest to himself. But now I know the monster can be defeated. You can beat your monster, too. (That was not intended to sound sexual.) So get out there and destroy the beast that bothers you most. You'll feel good. I promise.

Wednesday, September 06, 2017

Making Fun Of Football

Making Fun Of Football

The 2017-18 NFL season is upon us. If you're like me, you think football has become excruciatingly boring. If you're also like me, you still watch it because it's supposed to be fun but rarely delivers. I've always been a Raiders fan and even though this season is actually looking good for them, I couldn't be less-excited. Am I ready for some football? I guess so. Or something. Whatever.

So I've decided to have my own fun with the season. While experts are throwing around scenarios and statistics, what I'm bringing to you is an alternate kind of prediction. I will be determining winners based solely on the team names rather than record or skill or facts of any kind. I'm gonna use real and made-up events to give you hilarious reasons for my predictions.

Spoiler alert- the Browns and Bills will probably have a tough run while the Vikings will likely be predicted to win all of their games because Vikings are awesome. Also, I will be throwing in an upset every week just to make things more interesting. Think a bear would destroy a cardinal? Not necessarily. Anything can happen in the realm of made-up nonsense based on gobbledygook because football is ultimately stupid.


At the end of each week, I'll post my record along with that of an "expert". Based on zero knowledge other than hatred of his name and the unfortunate fact that he went to Baylor, I've chosen ESPN's Trey Wingo to compete with. This just in: He has a son named Chappy. I hate them both so much. I will also compete against someone I don't hate and his name is Mike Celuch.

Let the games begin…


Records after 5 weeks
Mike Celuch: 48-29 ; Spoolygoo: 45-32; stupid Trey Wingo: 43-34


This is Trey Wingo. Look at his stupid face.

Week 6 (4 teams on bye)

THURSDAY 10/12

Eagles vs. Panthers

Have you ever realized that Eagles are the same size as Panthers? We just can't tell because of their wingspan and habit of soaring. However, this is not true. Panthers are much bigger.
Predicted winner: Panthers

SUNDAY 10/15

Bears vs. Ravens
While pouncing through the forest, a kindly Bear came upon an unkindness of Ravens. (If you haven't been paying attention, the group of Ravens is called an unkindness.) The Bear was taken aback, as tends to happen to Bears when they meet Ravens. The lead Raven squawked loudly then flew directly at the Bear, who promptly smashed it to the ground with his mighty Bear paw.
Predicted winner: Bears

49ers vs. Redskins
When the 49ers arrived down Californy way, there was a tribe of Redskins waiting for them. While the 49ers brought pans with the intention of panning for gold, they first used them to deflect arrows and tomahawks. This is a little-known fact but trust me; I was there and I saw these pans deflect things but ultimately topple because the Redskins also had spears.
Predicted winner: Redskins

Dolphins vs. Falcons
What's been happening with the Dolphins? That's the only storyline I've had going. They were electrified then something about a plane. I don't feel like checking but I'll tell you this much- you don't see a Dolphin getting captured and used for a stupid stunt at Medieval Times.
Predicted winner: Dolphins

Patriots vs. Jets
A Patriot tried to leave his country once. His fell out of the Jet.
Predicted winner: Jets

Rams vs. Jaguars
Jaguars have sharp teeth but no horns.
Predicted winner: Rams

Steelers vs. Chiefs
The advent of steel revolutionized the weapons industry*. Steelers were able to create sturdy swords and eventually guns**. Chiefs did not use steel but relied on wooden weapons and tactical advantages. During the Industrial Revolution, a group of steel workers left the factory one day and were confronted by a tribe of Chiefs. Only Chiefs, for some reason. The Steelers, though heavily armed because they commonly took their work home with them, did not know how to properly utilize their steel weapons. It was a slaughter, and slaughter is the best medicine.
Predicted winner: Chiefs
*maybe
*saw this on TV so it's obviously true

Packers vs. Vikings
Viking families moved around a lot. There were factors such as lack of food in the cold Winter and terrifying animals like wolves. Vikings, being busy doing Vikings things, would often hire Packers to move their Viking belongings. Then they would massacre the Packers and eat their skin.
Predicted winner: Vikings

Lions vs. Saints
One time, a Saint was praying that a Lion wouldn't eat him. Then a Lion ate him.
Predicted winner: Lions

Browns vs. Texans
Damn it, Browns. Stop being a color and facing enemies who have guns.
Predicted winner: Texans

Buccaneers vs. Cardinals
In this highly-anticipated battle of the teams with the longest names (look it up), the Buccaneers hold a one-letter edge. However, this isn't about length. (That's what I said.) One day, a Buccaneer named Fluffy Funbeard got very drunk on grog. He woke up the next morning (quite groggy) and sought his regularly trusted parrot. During the night, that parrot was eaten by a vicious Cardinal. Fluffy put this Cardinal uponst his shoulder and it immediately pecked at his eye. However, it was Fluffy's eyepatch eye, which stunned the Cardinal and knocked him out. Confused, Fluffy wandered too close to The Plank and fell into the sea. The Cardinal regained consciousness and was promptly eaten by the ship's cat. Sure, Buccaneer ships had cats, just like they all had eyepatches and planks.
Predicted winner: Cardinals

Chargers vs. Raiders
Thor was a mighty Norse god. He would often harness Charges while going on Raids. I don't think he really did that but it would've been awesome. When used properly, a Charging Raider is unstoppable. However, against each other, lightning would obviously win.
Predicted winner: Chargers

Giants vs. Broncos
UPSET- Giants are huge. Relatively, Broncos are small. However, in this universe, there was once a Bronco who was a mighty bucker. He'd buck all day and buck all night. (It's all good; it's all right.) Any person, animal, or plant that got on top of him would promptly get bucked off. One day, a bunch of Giants were having a Giant meeting about Giant issues. They had heard about the Bronco. Parpy, the bravest of the Giants, announced he would ride the Bronco without getting bucked off. He didn't succeed.
Predicted winner: Broncos

MONDAY 10/16


Colts vs. Titans
A young Titan farmer was counting the pigs one day. He got up to 12 when a Colt came along, turned himself around, and gave the Titan a vicious double-kick. However, this hit the Titan's legs, which were massive because he did a lot of Titan squats. The Colt was the one who got hurt then fell down and the pigs are him. There were 22 total pigs, by the way.
Predicted winner: Titans







Week 5 (4 teams on bye)

THURSDAY 10/5

Patriots vs. Buccaneers

Many* History books do not mention** the importance of Buccaneers during the American Revolution. These rogues were not on either side of the war, but their own. They happily plundered and pillaged and said all sorts of stereotypical things that they probably didn't really say like, 'Arr, matey'. Patriots died, Redcoats died, and Buccaneers reaped the benefits. On the eve of one battle which I will not name***, numerous Buccaneers raided the Patriots' camp. They assailed, assaulted, and generally shivered timbers all night. Heavily depleted, the Patriot army could not win the battle and therefore lost the war and here we are today. Wait, that doesn't make sense. Replace Patriots' camp with Redcoats' camp and you'll be happily on your way. But how does this choose the winner?

Predicted winner: Buccaneers
*All
**because it's not true
***cannot name due to it being completely false



SUNDAY 10/8

49ers vs. Colts
49ers rode Colts to California in search of gold. Probably. Maybe. I'm sure some kind of horse was involved. But which species survived more trips without succumbing to dysentery or being killed for meat? Well, California isn't exactly run by horses. Just ask former Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Predicted winner: 49ers

Jaguars vs. Steelers
Could you imagine a Jaguar made of Steel? That would be awesome.
Predicted winner: Jaguars

Bills vs. Bengals
You know when you call a big company's customer service department and a guy with a thick Indian accent answers then tells you his name is Bill because being an American is so cool? Well, Bill got eaten by a Bengal yesterday. He left behind one wife, three gods, seventeen children, and a cupboard full of curry. Bill was a nice man.
Predicted winner: Bengals

Titans vs. Dolphins
Mythologically, Triton was the messenger of the sea. I guess he swam around handing people letters. But he also could control waves and tides. That's neat and could really screw a Dolphin up. Though not a Titan, Triton rhymes with Titan. See what I did there? I sure don't.
Predicted winner: Titans

Ravens vs. Raiders
Raiders are often Pirates and Pirates are often seen with tamed birds on their shoulders. However, those birds are parrots or some other colorful nonsense. Ravens are much bigger than parrots. And without a parrot, a Raider will fall into the sea.
Predicted winner: Ravens

Packers vs. Cowboys
A guy named Stim was packing his car for a lovely day at the beach. He loaded a chair to sit on because he likes to sit on chairs. A Cowboy crept up behind Stim, lassoed the chair, then smashed Stim's face with it. It was quite a manly display for no reason at all.
Predicted winner: Cowboys

Jets vs. Browns
What a boring match-up. (Apparently in real life, too.) A UPS plane would unite these sides. But if I were at war, I'd much rather be in a Jet than wearing a Brown outfit.
Predicted winner: Jets

Chargers vs. Giants
When lightning Charges strike, Giants are often the first to get hit because they are taller than regular people. They can withstand one Charge but not multiple. However, it's said that lightning never strikes the same place twice. But that has been proven false. I don't know what the point is.
Predicted winner: Giants

Panthers vs. Lions
Panthers dominate the Americas but leopards- a breed of Panther- is often hunted by Lions in African. The greatest threat to all big cats, however, is people. Deforestation and poaching have led to both species' habitats being diminished. This unfortunate and frankly unnatural dilemma has caused Panthers and Lions to seek refuge in unexpected places, such as areas near human activity. This has led to even more killing of large cats in a vicious cycle which has feline numbers heading toward endangerment status and ultimately extinction. Be kind.
Predicted winner: Lions

Cardinals vs. Eagles
A flock of Cardinals is sometimes called a Vatican because there are human Cardinals in the Vatican who decide things or whatever they do. A group of Eagles is called a Convocation, which means a formal assembly. These are important factors in deciding a winner in this battle of the birds.
Predicted winner: Cardinals

Seahawks vs. Rams
UPSET- Because Seahawks are fictional birds, I can make them as strong as I want. And this week, a Seahawk has enough might to pick up a fully-grown Ram, fly it over a volcano, then drop the horned beast into the lava. Or is it still magma? The hot stuff!
Predicted winner: Seahawks

Chiefs vs. Texans
Once upon a time, there were many Chiefs in Texas. I guess they were the original Texans. Then other people came in and called themselves Texans. An Italian whose own country didn't support him would've referred to the Chiefs as Indians. Italians and Texans are horrible. Happy Bullshit Columbus Day.
Predicted winner: Chiefs

MONDAY 10/9

Vikings vs. Bears
This here is an AWESOME matchup. Bears are huge and furry and scary while Vikings are… huge and furry and scary. Bears have sharp claws and teeth; Vikings have sharp axes and swords. These fierce tribes have had many battles in the cold mountains. However, on top of being awesome, Vikings are humans who can strategize and axes are better than stupid claws.
Predicted winner: Vikings






Week 4

THURSDAY 9/28


Bears vs. Packers

I was packing my car before a move and a Bear showed up. Surprisingly, it helped me, as I was lifting something quite heavy. I had a beer with the Bear. Then he ate my face. Lesson learned.
Predicted winner: Bears



SUNDAY 9/31

Saints vs. Dolphins
Not many people know that Dolphins can become Saints after they die. But there are more human Saints, like Joan Of Arc, who was probably insane from syphilis. She's a Saint, right? Whatever. Joan is playing for the Saints this week and she will lead her legion of other French Saints into the ocean to cause chaos for the Dolphins. But killing many Dolphins might make more Dolphins Saints, so we'll see what happens next week. If I remember this.
Predicted winner: Saints

Titans vs. Texans
When the Titans ruled the world, one of them stepped on Texas. A Texan said, in typical Texan fashion, "You may rule the world but you don't rule Texas." The Titan informed the Texan that Texas is part of the world, so he actually did rule it. Then the Texan shot the Titan.
Predicted winner: Texans

Jaguars vs. Jets
A group of Jaguars once chartered a Jet to fly from Florida to Colombia because they wanted to do lots of drugs. But the Jet crashed. All the Jaguars died and the Jet was destroyed. I don't know. This is a stupid match-up.
Predicted winner: Jets

Panthers vs. Patriots
ROAR, said the Panther as it bit down on the neck of the guy who loves his country.
Predicted winner: Panthers

Lions vs. Vikings
Now this is a grand battle. Lions would certainly have the advantage in the desert but this clash will take place in the cold sub-Arctic. Regular Lions aren't so good in the cold but mountain Lions are. This will be a fierce fight with many casualties on both sides. But obviously the Vikings will win because they're Vikings and Lions are cats and cats are terrible.
Predicted winner: Vikings

Bills vs. Falcons
UPSET- A Falcon swooped down to grab a $5 Bill in its mighty talons. It shredded the Bill and fed it to her child-Falcons. They all choked and died. The Falcon, extremely upset, jumped out of the nest and refused to fly, committing Falcon-suicide. This was a sad day for Falcons.
Predicted winner: Bills

Steelers vs. Ravens
A group of Ravens is called an 'unkindness'. That's awesome.
Predicted winner: Ravens

Bengals vs. Browns
Brown, though still a color, continues to fight hard against all enemies. Bengals, which are ferocious tigers with stripes and sharp teeth, eat everything, including colors. I'm sick of the Browns losing. They're probably gonna win next week.
Predicted winner: Bengals

Rams vs. Cowboys
Had the Cowboys been Ramboys, this would be a no-brainer. But cows are big and slow and have too many stomachs. Rams have hard heads and horns. A Ram would wreck a Cowboy.
Predicted winner: Rams

Eagles vs. Chargers
Well, who rules the sky? Electric Charges do not have keen eyesight. 'Blitzkrieg' does not mean Eagle War. If a bolt of Charge were to strike an Eagle, the raptor would be done-for. But an Eagle is the animalistic embodiment of America even though it's just a bird and couldn't care less about people. You worship a bird and I'll ride the lightning.
Predicted winner: Chargers

Giants vs. Buccaneers
As I write this, I'm listening to a Pirate metal band from Scotland. The songs are cheerful yet tough and catchy as hell. I imagine Giant music would sound like slowly stomping through mud.
Predicted winner: Buccaneers

49ers vs. Cardinals
Ugh, there are so many bird teams in the NFL. Historically and hysterically, Cardinals have harvested more gold than poor people who pan for it. There are hundreds of stashes of Cardinal gold all over Earth. Some use it for nests while others juggle it as part of their mating dance. Yes, in this world, Cardinals can juggle.
Predicted winner: Cardinals

Raiders vs. Broncos
As stated above, I've always been a Raiders fan. I thought up a funny scenario which would have the Ponies winning but even though I don't care about football, I will never pick them over the Raiders. Sorry for the lack of humor.
Predicted winner: Raiders
Colts vs. Seahawks
Another bird!?!?
Predicted winner: Colts

MONDAY 10/1


Redskins vs. Chiefs
So here we are. Students against masters. Generals vs. Privates. Other vampires opposing Dracula. Many Draculas. Whatever. Chiefs will have wisdom; Redskins will have strength. I wish I had something funny to write but this is really interesting to me. I'll have to go with Redskins because there are more of them. Their numbers will dwindle, but they shall not fall.
Predicted winner: Redskins







Week 3

THURSDAY 9/21


Rams vs. 49ers

Picture it- San Francisco, 1849. A bonehead is sifting through rocks to find shiny golden rocks because they're valuable for some reason. His family is 2,000 miles away and he's had no contact with them since he left home nine months ago. A nearby Ram says to himself 1) 'I have a hard head and sharp horns', and 2) 'I like to have fun'. This Ram, living up to his name, rams the 49er in the buttocks, paralyzing both his body and hopes for the future. Also, all members of the guy's family had already died from dysentery and snakebites.

Predicted winner: Rams


SUNDAY 9/24

Ravens vs. Jaguars
I saw a cartoon in which a cat was desperately trying to eat a bird. The cat tried many things but always got hurt and/or in trouble. This cat's efforts were valiant and even when he had the bird in his mouth, it got away. But that bird was an obnoxious dickhead.
Predicted winner: Jaguars

Steelers vs. Bears
UPSET- This just in: Superman, aka the Man Of Steel, will be playing for the Steelers this week. The team has made a special uniform for Superman so he can keep his superpowers during the battle. He will look like a regular player so much that no one will be able to tell he is actually Superman. Bears everywhere are frantically searching for a ringer of their own. That weird polar bear thing from Game Of Thrones has not yet answered their calls.
Predicted winner: Steelers

Buccaneers vs. Vikings
I was hoping this iconic matchup would happen this season. Or does it happen every season? I don't remember/care. Pirates against Vikings. Ferocious and infamous warriors all. Vikings drank mead (we think). Buccaneers drank some kind of rum (we think). These drunk and tough bandits were both fierce on the sea. However, I've not heard much about Buccaneers on land. Maybe they just went to sleep. On the other hand, I recently watched a movie about Vikings. Two of them were skiing while dodging arrows and protecting a baby. I'm sure this was 100% historically accurate so there's your winner.
Predicted winner: Vikings

Dolphins vs. Jets
Last week, the Dolphins absorbed electricity to beat the Chargers. They have retained some of that electricity and are seeking to shoot some of it into a large Jet. Unfortunately for them, that Jet would have to crash into the ocean first and the odds of a plane crashing into the ocean are as slim as the odds of a Dolphin absorbing electricity. Wait, what?
Predicted winner: Jets

Falcons vs. Lions
Did you know that Falcons are strong enough to pick up Lions high enough to drop them to their doom? Did you also know that was a horrible lie?
Predicted winner: Lions

Seahawks vs. Titans
In a fictional land, a fictional Titan reached the sea and a fictional Seahawk swooped down to pluck his eyes out. (The word 'pluck' makes eye-removal almost sound charming, huh?) The Titan grabbed the bird and blindly plucked (that word again) its feathers out. The naked Seahawk flew away but didn't actually fly because it didn’t have feathers anymore. The clothed Titan stole another Titans eyes then stomped on the nude bird while screaming, 'Pluck you'.
Predicted winner: Titans

Bengals vs. Packers
There's probably a story about a postal worker in India who got mauled by a large striped cat while packing his truck for the day.
Predicted winner: Bengals

Broncos vs. Bills
Pecos Bill was apparently not a real person but Pecos, Texas, is the sight of the world's first rodeo. Rodeos are all about breaking Broncos who like to buck, sometimes known as Bucking Broncos. The rodeo players are probably successful more than half of the time, and I base that on absolutely nothing. Plus rodeos have clowns. That's nice.
Predicted winner: Bills

Saints vs. Panthers
After successfully killing and eating gold-seekers and guys named William, the Panthers should have no problem getting the best of really nice people.
Predicted winner: Panthers

Browns vs. Colts
Colt- young, muscular horse. Brown- color.
Predicted winner: Colts

Texans vs. Patriots
Lots of guns in this battle. Texans only love Texas but Patriots love the entire country, including Texas. So half of the Texans will battle for the Patriots. (If an NFL game was like that, I'd watch.)
Predicted winner: Patriots

Giants vs. Eagles
In an actual land, an actual large guy reached the sea and an actual Eagle swooped down to pluck his eyes out. The Giant grabbed the bird and blindly plucked its feathers out. The naked Eagle flew away but didn't actually fly because it didn’t have feathers anymore. The clothed Giant couldn't steal another Giant's eyes because it doesn't work like that. The Giant tripped over the nude Eagle and rolled down a mountain. The Eagle died, but not before the Giant did.
Predicted winner: Eagles

Chiefs vs. Chargers
Chiefs like to do rain dances and rain often happens when lightning is around so Chiefs can control lightning. Facts.
Predicted winner: Chiefs

Raiders vs. Redskins
Redskins don't have much luck with Raiders. Raiders come into their Redskin towns and demand their Redskin things and the Redskins just talk about the spirit of the water buffalo. I like water buffaloes but that's not the point. Raiders have swords. Or guns. Or whatever.
Predicted winner: Raiders

MONDAY 9/25


Cowboys vs. Cardinals
While trying to lasso a cow (if that's what they do), a Cardinal got in the way of a Cowboy's rope. This didn't affect anything though because ropes are heavy compared to small birds. The cow was successfully lassoed and brought to the saloon or whatever happens.
Predicted winner: Cowboys






Week 2

THURSDAY 9/14

Texans vs. BengalsTwo groups who have never met. Neither has ever traveled abroad*. Hmm. Texans do have guns but Bengals are stealthy. It would really be a matter of opportunity. Bengals would have an easier time hunting at night.
Predicted winner: Bengals
*Likely untrue



SUNDAY 9/17

Bills vs. Panthers
It's still unclear what a Bill is but regardless a Panther would destroy it.
Predicted winner: Panthers

Vikings vs. Steelers
It would take several Steelers to throw a steel beam at a group of people but only one Viking to throw a spear through each of his enemies at one time.
Predicted winner: Vikings

Patriots vs. Saints
Patriots really like their country. Saints really like being good. Patriots would die for their country. Saints might die for goodness but that'd be weird.
Predicted winner: Patriots

Eagles vs. Chiefs
In an extremely factual and historical battle, a Chief named Swooping Eagle soundly defeated his enemies. While that's probably not true at all, it also doesn't help me decide on a winner. Eagles have an aerial advantage but Chiefs are on the ground and the ground is better.
Predicted winner: Chiefs

Jets vs. Raiders
Last week, the airplane Jets lost to guys named William while the Raiders beat former rulers of the Earth.
Predicted winner: Raiders

Cowboys vs. Broncos
Now this is a truly classic matchup. Master against slave. Teacher against student. Or something like that. Cowboys always try to "break" Broncos but statistically* they get "bucked" three out of every five attempts. Or am I thinking of bulls? This isn't basketball (though Bulls vs. Mavericks would be similar) so the horses will win out of sheer strength. And if they get into trouble, they can call on bulls to help them. This just in- I don't know anything about Texas.
Predicted winner: Broncos
*Didn't look this up at all

Redskins vs. Rams
If an arrow was flying at me, I'd want to be able to headbutt it out of the way.
Predicted winner: Rams

Bears vs. Buccaneers
Bears are tough. They can withstand attacks from rocks, mean names, and bare-handed people. (Yes, they would crush them with their bear hands.) But they could not withstand cannonballs from drunks on ships.
Predicted winner: Buccaneers

Cardinals vs. Colts
UPSET- We found out last week that it's common practice for Colts to get castrated. This used to be done with some gin and a sharp blade. Then ranchers discovered little red birds who have a natural knack for removing horse balls.
Predicted winner: Cardinals

Browns vs. Ravens
The United Parcel Service (UPS) used to have the slogan, 'What can brown do for you?' Gross. So gross that they abandoned it.
Predicted winner: Ravens

Titans vs. Jaguars
Jaguars got revenge last week on gun-toting gun-shooters. The next reasonable enemy up the chain would be former mythological rules of Earth.
Predicted winner: Jaguars

Dolphins vs. Chargers
When a lightning bolt strikes the ocean, Dolphins absorb the Charge*. They become electric Dolphins and wreak havoc throughout the water. They can shoot electricity out of their bottle-noses at unsuspecting fish, whales, and anemones. Amenomes. Amenemenones. Many enemies. This is fierce.
Predicted winner: Dolphins
*Couldn't be less true

49ers vs. Seahawks
In the mid-1880s, many people went to California in search of gold. What many of those many found was birds which don't actually exist. The gold-seekers were tired and weak, so the fraudulent avians attacked with glee.
Predicted winner: Seahawks

Packers vs. Falcons
One day, a guy was packing a box because he was moving to the nicer side of town. He put his favorite childhood toy- a stuffed mouse- into the box. With keen eyesight and unvarying swiftness, a Falcon soaring high about the Packer saw the mouse. It swooped down and grabbed it. The angry Packer threw various things at the Falcon but never hit it. However, the Falcon tried to eat the stuffed mouse but choked to death instead.
Predicted winner: Packers

MONDAY 9/18


Lions vs. Giants
Lions hunt in packs called prides. Prides have taken down elephants. Giants are bigger than elephants.
Predicted winner: Giants



Week 1

THURSDAY 9/7

Chiefs vs. Patriots
I feel like these groups have battled before…
This would be a hard-fought contest between men who love to defend their own kind. Chiefs have earned their way to the top and are master strategists. On the other hand, I've seen The Patriot starring Mel Gibson. His crew ragtag but got the job done convincingly. There is also a movie titled The Patriot starring Steven Seagal, and Steven Seagal is terrible.
Predicted winner: Chiefs

SUNDAY 9/10

Jets vs. Bills
Now, what is a Bill? A dollar note? The amount you must pay after eating at a restaurant? A nickname for William for some reason? None is very intimidating. A Jet is large and heavy and wouldn't exactly cause damage to you but you'd get very tired trying to beat it up and would have nothing to show for it.
Predicted winner: Jets

Steelers vs. Browns
Steel workers tend to be quite tough while Brown is a color.
Predicted winner: Steelers


Raiders vs. Titans
Raiders are maniacs who like to perform sudden attacks but I don't think the stealthiest of them could outwit a former ruler of Earth.
Predicted winner: Titans

Eagles vs. Redskins
Both American natives (though Eagles don't mind being called Eagles), both of these groups have much pride. I feel like an Eagle could scoop up a young Redskin but an older one would spear the hell out of it.
Predicted winner: Redskins

Panthers vs. 49ers
If I was a panther and I saw some guy running around screaming that he found gold, I'd eat him.
Predicted winner: Panthers

Giants vs. Cowboys
Cowboys may think they're giants but Giants are actually giants. And giants stomp things.
Predicted winner: Giants

Jaguars vs. Texans
These two have a long history* of fighting each other in the wild. Ever since there was such a place as Texas, Jaguars have been trying to take it over. The Great Jaguar Uprising of 1857 was for naught simply because of one factor- guns. Texans have guns. And guns kill cats.
Predicted winner: Texans
*Completely made up

Cardinals vs. Lions
Though fierce, a small red bird would not stand a chance against the king of the jungle who actually lives in the desert, though 'jungle' comes from a Hindi word meaning 'uninhabited place'. The more you know!
Predicted winner: Lions

Falcons vs. Bears
Falcons are vicious but bears are much more viciouser.
Predicted winner: Bears

Ravens vs. Bengals
UPSET- A little-known fact* is that ravens have incredible skill when it comes to homing in on stripes. Their sharp beaks could thrash a tiger to death in a matter of days.
Predicted winner: Ravens
*Totally untrue

Colts vs. Rams
Young horses against man-sheep. Apparently Colts get castrated later in life so they would have more to fight for.
Predicted winner: Colts

Seahawks vs. Packers
Seahawks suffer from identity crises because there is no animal officially known as a Seahawk. Were they full-blown ospreys or auger hawks (which is their mascot that does not live by the sea), they could pose a legitimate threat. But they don't. On the other side, Packers pack things, which is not very intimidating. Still, I'm gonna have to give the edge to people who will move in the near-future instead of the schizophrenic birds.
Predicted winner: Packers

MONDAY 9/11

Saints vs. Vikings
Let's see- people who do good things or blood-thirsty barbarians?
Predicted winner: Vikings

Chargers vs. Broncos
A lightning bolt could cause some major crazy damage. A lightning bolt could kill a Bronco. Between the two, I'd rather be run-into by a lightning bolt because I probably wouldn't suffer. That said, a Bronco would cause more suffering, which is a rough-and-tough trait.
Predicted winner: Broncos