Tuesday, October 10, 2017

Pooyaht

Every time we travel, some friends and I bring along a little notepad to write down ridiculous things that get said. I present them here without citations and context. This is the fourth installment. If you'd like to read the first three, search this blog for Muyaht, Neuyaht, and Ooyaht. Enjoy!


Pooyaht
by Odie, Sam, Adam, Stella, and me


Where is the center of Quiznos? No one knows.

What a way to start Pooyaht- by pooping at Stewart.

Something about birds.

Total 6:51:45. Flight turbulence at 31:48, 1:00:50, 1:09:41, 1:23:02, 1:34:28, 1:39:56, 2:29:47, 2:42:45, 3:07:54, 4:22:40, 6:19:00, 6:27:46, 6:30:42, 6:51:45.

No rush, goulash.

Oh, Jimmy broke his back.

Mister Heartbreaker, breakin' hearts.

Do not ball-gag your father.

I'm not retarded. Bill's a wombat.

Well, Tomorrio.

Smell this man's ass. 'Tis a great ass.

When you own a bar or a food place, you have to have bendy straws.

I could definitely eat a hand at some point.

So you're the contact man. I'm the key man. What type of man do you want to be?

I haven't said one thing about butts!

Did you just pull out Twombli?

Odie, don't hurt my friend Rob.

I would love a song about all-you-can-eat buffet.

You want some chips? You don't have to pay for them.

All he has to do is come down and we'll be here.

Any guy who sounds like Nutella is fine with me.

9 pounds. It comes with five people.

Who's Dennis?

IT'S GENETICS. ME HANDS ARE BIG,
BUT SMALL...
BUT THEN...
THE PERFECT WRAP FOR A COCK'S SKIN.
YOU NEED NO LUBE.
YOU NEED NO CHARM.
ALL YOU NEED...
IS A STRONG ARM!

0131 777 7777

N3 -

I gotta do these things before I'm 45. Before I'm 37.

Handsome is not handjob.

Do you like snails and free blackberries?

Get that bean!

Stop looking back. It's weird.

That side smells like hose.

I need to get to the lake so I can wash my ass.

I will always remember Mr. Tweomptay.

Oh man, this is butt-washing water.

The body type of Scotland is a bear claw.
You mean like a cruller???

I like you guys. You smell cheesy and fun.

Put the mic down and put your head in the pool. And don't come up!!!

Pati + Bartek = Oskar

If it has something to do with butts, it's either you or someone like you.

I hate Nirvana. I'd rather listen to Neil Young fuck a cat.

And then there were 3.

The caribou is dying but won't give up.


Sam and Rob said something funny before but I forgot.

It's gorgeous outside... and it doesn't smell like farts.

Blood pudding farts.

And then there was 1.

Patscherkofel has a new lift and I found Jerome. All is good.

Today I am the king of beef farts.

What is the secret of the cold meat?

You're uncomfortable so you get warm and cozy. Then you go outside and get wet and miserable. Seems pointless but that's life.

Jerome gave me a free beer. That's so Jerome of him.

Ladies and gentlemen, we're arriving in Jenbach. Please exit from the right side.

Asian tourists make me happy. They're so goofy and love selfie sticks.

Slovenian men have a real hard time crapping... and they mumble to themselves while doing so.

Attack of the Asian Tourists: Part Two!!! Ljubljana.

I see. He was a crapping bum. Not representative of the average Slovenian.

Pooyaht, pfft. I can't wait until Armyaht.

Dennis the monk from Ljubljana. A good guy.

It was peaceful here. And then Italians came.

So many people are telling us on the walls what to think and do.

Gross slob to my left. Indian man punching is leg to my right. Everything is normal.

Nice flight... but everyone has hemorrhoid farts.

Why do the Irish still have that accent? The air? Because the buildings are small? I know there's an intelligent answer but... maybe it's because they have so many sheep.

Being in an 800-year-old church is cool. Being in an 80-year-old bar is cooler.

Yup. After 12 years of analysis, old fat American white women are horrible.

Vienna is the best airport to crap in. Privacy. Big stall. A hanger for your coat. A hanger for your bag. Plenty of toilet paper and hand sanitizer.

Now it smells like giant poop and shit on this plane.

How is it possible to keep the happy-go-lucky traveler's mindset once going back home when you're surrounded by morons!?! They announced it'd be a 7-hour flight when we got on the plane. Now, about 3 hours into the flight these old fucks are shocked there's 4 hours left. What part of the booking, traveling, checking in, going through security, and boarding did they miss? FUUUUUCK!!!

2 hours and 20 minutes left of the flight. I will try to fill the remaining pages of Pooyaht.

Wednesday, October 04, 2017

Half-Stewish


Half-Stewish
by Rob Cottignies

There is a guy named Stew, like the food only much more annoying and probably less-tasty. Stew has the rare condition of being completely allergic to shutting the hell up. Stew went to the Podiatrist. Stew didn't want to go to the Podiatrist. But Stew's foot was cracking and his regular doctor suggested going to the Podiatrist. So Stew went to the Podiatrist. And there was quiet in the land. Then Stew returned to tell me all about the Podiatrist.

This happened within a few hours of my meeting Stew. I hate Stew. Not only does Stew constantly speak but he'll blurt out uninteresting things simply to ignite more speaking. His father has to stop drinking for a month. He doesn't understand why there aren't stricter gun laws. He ate portabella fries the other day. Oh yeah, Stew is a hipster extraordinaire. Stew is inadvertently condescending. (You know what that word means, right?) And Stew is very politically-correct because he doesn't want to offend anyone.

Stew told me a story about a guy who said "the K word" on TV. Stew whispered "the K word" after looking around to make sure no one else could hear it in a setting with very few people, none of whom would've been offended.

Kike was the K word this guy had uttered which Stew could not bring himself to say. Certainly not a pleasant word but one which should only be taken sorely if it's yelled in a mean way. (However, some would say it's only a word so get over it.)

On my train ride home, I realized I had missed a grand opportunity. My response to Stew's whisper should've been, 'What K word?' I should've made him say it just to watch the discomfort on his Stew-pid face. Then I should've asked what the word meant, after which I should've explained that when Jewish people entered America after some distasteful incidents throughout Europe, many of them could not write their names in English on the entry forms. Instead, they drew a circle. The Yiddish word for 'circle' is 'keikl' [kike-uhl]. So the agents referred to them as Kikes. See? Not offensive. (And yes, I just quoted my own blog.)

However, none of this happened. In the time it would have taken me to say that, Stew rambled about new video games and every quirky cartoon on YouTube, so I'd have to wait until next time.
Next time came around and Stew was still relentlessly speaking, which I assumed was just a run-on sentence continued from the week before. At one point, Stew was ranting about Lenny Kravitz for some ungodly reason. Stew mentioned that Lenny is half-black and half-Jewish. I had him. It was time to play dumb-but-ultimately-smarter.

"How can someone be half-Jewish?" I asked. I also wondered which half of the Torah Lenny believed. Stew said that Judaism is both a religion and a nationality. I told him it was not, as this blog by a Rabbi confirms. He gave several more replies, each of which garnered "But how can you be half of a religion?" from me. Then, finally, he shut up. Two entire minutes went by without Stew saying a word. I had beaten Hipster Stew.

The phrase 'half-Jewish' is unique, too. I've never heard anyone referred to as half-Buddhist or half-Pastafarian. So why does half-Jewish happen? (If you're still wondering, now would be a good time to read that blog by the Rabbi.)

As for Stew, I expect that the next time I have to put up with him he will talk endlessly about things which are only of interest to himself. But now I know the monster can be defeated. You can beat your monster, too. (That was not intended to sound sexual.) So get out there and destroy the beast that bothers you most. You'll feel good. I promise.

Wednesday, September 06, 2017

Making Fun Of Football

Making Fun Of Football

The 2017-18 NFL season is upon us. If you're like me, you think football has become excruciatingly boring. If you're also like me, you still watch it because it's supposed to be fun but rarely delivers. I've always been a Raiders fan and even though this season is actually looking good for them, I couldn't be less-excited. Am I ready for some football? I guess so. Or something. Whatever.

So I've decided to have my own fun with the season. While experts are throwing around scenarios and statistics, what I'm bringing to you is an alternate kind of prediction. I will be determining winners based solely on the team names rather than record or skill or facts of any kind. I'm gonna use real and made-up events to give you hilarious reasons for my predictions.

Spoiler alert- the Browns and Bills will probably have a tough run while the Vikings will likely be predicted to win all of their games because Vikings are awesome. Also, I will be throwing in an upset every week just to make things more interesting. Think a bear would destroy a cardinal? Not necessarily. Anything can happen in the realm of made-up nonsense based on gobbledygook because football is ultimately stupid.


Each Thursday and weekend, I'll post my record along with those of my good friend Mike Celuch (a knowledgeable football fan) and all but one of ESPN's panel of "experts". MC and I originally were pitted against Trey Wingo, who is stupid and horrible for the following reasons- 1) He went to Baylor, 2) His son's name is Chappy, and 3) He decided to screw all of this up and not submit picks for week 6 because he was too busy being stupid. I hate his stupid face.

So every week I post my predictions then get those of Mike Celuch. After the games (obviously), I tally our wins then calculate (using a calculator) the average wins of ESPN's nine "experts" who are not named stupid horrible Trey Wingo. Because most numbers aren't cleanly divisible by 9, I round up, down, or use .5 accordingly. Keep in mind that Mike Celuch and I do this for free while ESPN's crew gets paid probably a lot of money to make these predictions which are really just guesses.

Let's see how things turn out...

And if you see Trey Wingo, punch his stupid face in half. Thanks.


Wins after 9 weeks
Mike Celuch: 90; ESPN's NFL "experts": 88.5; SpoolyGoo: 83




Week 11 (4 teams on bye)

THURSDAY 11/16

Titans vs. Steelers

Titan Tim adored playing with Steel. He would often make Steel origami because apparently Titans can bend Steel easily. But Titan Tim was a hoarder. Over the years, he collected way more Steel than he could ever fold into swans and turtles or whatever. The Steelers at the nearby Steel factory had to come up with a plan to reclaim some Steel. So they came up with a plan to reclaim some Steel. They sneaked into Titan Tim's Titan house while he was Titan sleeping. There was Steel everywhere because you'll remember that Titan Tim was a hoarder. Steel is heavy but the Steelers were very strong. And they were clever. They took out a year's supply of Steel and because Tim's house was such a mess, he didn't even notice the next Titan morning.
Predicted winner: Steelers

SUNDAY 11/19

Buccaneers vs. Dolphins
During one classic battle of this ferocious Man v. Beast rivalry, hooks were a key factor. Buccaneers- all of whom have hooks for hands- hoped to catch some Dolphins for food. They used their hook hands to cast out lines with hooks at the end of them. But these hooks magically all went into the Dolphins' blowholes. Don't worry, they were fine. In fact, they used their might to change the direction of the Buccaneers' ship so that it crashed violently into a nearby rock island. And this is where the phrase 'By hook or by crook' comes from.*
Predicted winner: Dolphins
*not remotely true

Lions vs. Bears
Finally, this match-up is happening, if it hasn't before. I don't pay attention. But this is great. Two fierce predatory predators clawing and gnashing their way to the victory line. Yes, this is a foot race. And Lions are faster. Also, this website confirms that Lions are better than Bears even though its result is a Bear winning the battle. But that site has different rules and a different form of English. For example, the line that sold me- 'Male African lion has the mane which makes him the King of all animals in the jungle.'
Predicted winner: Lions
Cardinals vs. Texans
Didn't these two already do battle? Impossible. But I remember something about a guy named Jeff… Oh no, that was Cardinals vs. 49ers in Week 9. The Cardinals won that bout and they'll win this one too.
Predicted winner: Cardinals

Redskins vs. Saints
Grimacing Gerbil wasn't the toughest Redskin but he was loyal to his tribe, which came under attack from a vicious gaggle of thugs. While the other Redskins fought valiantly, Grimacing Gerbil cried under his bed. While searching GG's house, one thug heard the crying. He flipped the bed over and was ready to dispatch Grimacing Gerbil but his gun backfired and shot the thug in the face because that's what I think happens when a gun backfires. The thug's fall knocked over a table, which was holding a candle. Grimacing Gerbil laughed so loudly that the rest of the thugs entered his house out of curiosity, only to be burned horribly by the fire caused by the candle. Grimacing Gerbil also perished in the blaze, but his Redskin family assumed he had set the fire purposely to save them and made him a Saint.
Predicted winner: Saints

Jaguars vs. Browns
UPSET- Shouldn't this actual game be terrible? Regardless, here are some of the people showing up to my version of this battle- Da Vinci Code author Dan Brown, singers Chris and Foxy Brown (no relation), Millie Bobby Brown (the weird girl from Stranger Things), California Governor not Arnold Schwarzenegger but Jerry Brown, guy who Frank Zappa made fun of Bobby Brown, woman who survived the Titanic's sinking Molly Brown, and former NFL running back and show-stealer in Mars Attacks Jim Brown. Not one of these people wishes to be eaten by a large spotted cat. But Jaguars are sadists who enjoy eating prey that would rather not get eaten. They will tear through the famous Browns until they get to Jim. If you've seen Mars Attacks, you know how awesome he is. He is capable of fending off a gaggle of Jaguars with his arms closed and eyes tied behind his back. Spend your Sunday watching Mars Attacks instead of football. It's guaranteed to be excellent.
Predicted winner: Browns

Ravens vs. Packers
Game Of Thrones fans know that Ravens are used to carry messages over long distances. They also know that people on the show rarely Pack before moving because they're usually running away from a crime at the last minute.
Predicted winner: Ravens

Rams vs. Vikings
The Vikings' fiercest foe since the Battle With The Bears, the Rams will be ready for this one. Coming off a bye week or another opponent or whatever, they've been training for this battle. The Ram School Of Fighting has taught them all the swift moves to bring down a larger adversary. But these moves will have little effect on Vikings, who scream and wield axes.
Predicted winner: Vikings

Chiefs vs. Giants
Remmy the Giant liked to wander onto lands that weren't his because he didn't have a large property. One day, he wandered into Chief territory. The Chiefs were having a Chief meeting when they heard and felt Remmy's Giant footsteps. Assuming Remmy was hostile, the Chiefs prepared to defend their Grand Teepee. But Remmy only wanted to play cards. He liked Rummy because it sounded like his name. The Chiefs didn't know how to play Rummy so they tricked Remmy into playing a Chief card game. Of course the Chiefs won but they gave Remmy all of his Giant money back because they felt guilty about tricking him. Remmy went back to Giantland and taught the other Giants how to play the Chief card game.
Predicted winner: Chiefs

Bills vs. Chargers
Bill was a bartender in an establishment which required a ten-dollar minimum for credit card purchases. One night, many would-be Chargers came in for one beer and one beer only. They refused to combine tabs to meet the minimum amount and insisted on Charging one beer each. And there were 15 of them. Bartender Bill was furious until someone suggested he Charge each card for $10 and keep the remainder after the beer price as his tip. The generous Chargers had a wonderful time, Bill got a lot of tip money, and there was no need to use the shotgun behind the bar like how this story probably should've ended.
Predicted winner: Bills

Bengals vs. Broncos
A gaggle of Bengals tried to sell their stripes to some Broncos, who accepted only to be informed that they'd been fooled. I mean, how could an animal lose part of its fur pattern? The Broncos demanded to find out. There was much torture and squealing cat noises, but the Broncos did it. They successfully removed the stripes of a Bengal. One of them wore the fur and danced to 'Goodbye Horses' by Q Lazzarus. This was very surreal because that particular Bronco was actually saying goodbye to his fellow horses. From then on, that Bronco identified as a Bengal. And a fine Bengal he made.
Predicted winner: Bengals

Patriots vs. Raiders
Apparently this battle is happening in Mexico, which is confusing the hell out of the Patriots. They are not loyal to Mexico but its neighbor to the north. How do they fight in a land which is not theirs? Terribly, that's how. The Patriots will run through emotions like women on a PMS Colony while many Raiders will come in to Raid their belongings. The Raiders will gather booty while the Patriots will half-defend their temporary home. They'll protest, then submit; argue, then surrender; brawl, then do something similar to surrender and submit. It'll be an ugly scene.
Predicted winner: Raiders

Eagles vs. Cowboys
Weyerbacher brews a beer called Dallas Sucks. This has probably made many Eagles fans boast while Cowboys fans likely don't know nor care. But that's irrelevant. I'm here to tell you about Skippy, the Eagle who hated Cowboys. No one knows why Skippy hated Cowboys so much but everyone was aware of it. Skippy would see a Cowboy doing Cowboy things then encourage his Eagle friends to watch as he soared above the ranch and dropped rocks, hoping to hit the Cowboy who was doing Cowboy things. He was often successful in landing a rock directly onto a Cowboy, splitting him in half because that's what happens. The other Eagles didn't believe in Skippy's random Cowboy murders but they were definitely impressed by his ability.
Predicted winner: Eagles

MONDAY 11/20


Falcons vs. Seahawks
Real bird vs. fake bird.
Predicted winner: Falcons



Week 10 (4 weeks on bye)

THURSDAY 11/9

Seahawks @ Cardinals
Cardinals are renowned for their mighty and skillful nest-building. Certain magical Cardinals are even able to build forcefields around their nests. These keep out predators such as cats, squirrels, and owls that screech. But how do they fare against imaginary birds? Sadly, not well. Seahawks have the uncanny ability to break through real forcefields built by real Cardinals, even though that doesn't happen at all. Seahawks don't eat Cardinal eggs but play soccer with them. This may sound cruel but Seahawks Soccer is a very relaxed sport. They never kill the not-quite-Cardinal (ooooooh, controversial) inside. So what happens is this- A Seahawk will penetrate a Cardinal's nest's forcefield to steal an egg. During a rousing game of Seahawk Soccer, the Cardinal parent will freak out but not be able to escape its own forcefield because it didn't turn it off because it's too busy freaking out. This freaking often causes Cardinal heart attacks and the Seahawks are sad every time they go to return their game egg to see its deceased parent. Typically, the Seahawk will raise the Cardinal as its own in an attempt to end the Seahawks' status of imaginary.
Predicted winner: Seahawks



SUNDAY 11/12

Saints @ Bills
Bill has always been a slovenly housekeeper. One day, a Mormon (Something Something About Late Saints) came to his door. Bill let the Mormon in and listened the what he had to say. Then he saw Bill's half-empty bottle of tequila. The Mormon ran away screaming.
Predicted winner: Bills

Packers @ Bears
A moving company employee (commonly known as a Packer) was given a wrong address to which deliver to a truck to full of to goods. (I don't know what happened there, either.) Instead of a fancy new duplex, the Packer arrived at a cave filled with hibernating Bears. Not one to be deterred, the Packer moved the furniture into the cave. He was almost done when a Bear woke up. He roused his Bear friends and they feasted on the Packer at a brand new dining table from some store that sells dining tables.
Predicted winner: Bears

Browns @ Lions
A driver for UPS in Kenya had a tough route. One old villager refused to move out of the trees near a popular Lions' hangout. But the villager adored ordering things online. Mops, boxes of tissues, CD booklets to hold his extensive collection of punk rock. The Brown for UPS had scary but usually harmless success when he delivered packages. However, on morning, the Lions were in heat. A Proud (smaller sect of a Pride) of the randy felines circled the Brown. When one tried to mount him, he dropped the package of new bicycle chains. The villager was furious and beat the Brown to death with a mop while listening to Dead Kennedys. The Lions then took turns humping the Brown's corpse but obviously could not reproduce because he was human and dead. Silly Lions.
Predicted winner: Lions

Steelers @ Colts
Everybody knows that young horses are allergic to Steel.
Predicted winner: Steelers

Chargers @ Jaguars
I bet a skilled rapper could make these words rhyme somehow. Anyway, Jerry the Jaguar was hanging out in a tropical tree. He'd had a long day of hunting in water because Jaguars can do that in real life and not just in my world of NFL nonsense. Earlier that day, Jerry grabbed a fish which a nearby caiman had its eyes on. The latter rounded up his caiman friends and led a Charge toward the tree in which Jerry was relaxing. Obviously, Jerry saw this imminent attack but could not leave the tree because it was surrounded. Caimans can't climb trees because they're leathery and gross so Jerry waited until only the original caiman remained, pounced on him from the tree, and ate him deliciously with his Jaguar friends.
Predicted winner: Jaguars

Jets @ Buccaneers
To completely go against the home-habitat advantage thing (told ya it wouldn't work), a gaggle of Buccaneers thought, 'Hey, since we can overtake any ship on the water, why wouldn't we be able to overtake a Jet in the sky. So they chartered one from Miami to New Orleans because they don't like long flights and their outfits would've gone over swimmingly at Mardi Gras. But they were unaware that TSA regulations apply to chartered Jets the same as commercial flights. They were not allowed to carry their swords, hand hook things, or one-shot pistols. They could only sit back and enjoy their flights to New Orleans, where they had a magical time and are now starring in an all-Buccaneer revue where the ladies love earning their beads.
Predicted winner: Jets

Bengals @ Titans
When Bengals get hungry, they get HUNGRY. And what better meal is there than a Titan? One day, a gaggle of Bengals wandered into the realm of the Titans. The Titans were so busy ruling Earth that they didn't notice the large, striped cats. One Titan, Henry, was picking some Titan vegetables for his Titan dinner. The lead Bengal, Bensonhurst, went over to tell Henry how much he enjoyed vegetables and definitely not meat. Fairly unworldly, Henry offered Bensonhurst some yellow peppers. Henry replied in true Hollywood fashion with, "I've got a different offer for you". Henry's Bengal friends had been gathering behind Bensonhurst. They pounced and ate him and were full for three days. This is known in Bengal folklore as The Dinner After Tricking Titan Henry. Bengals aren't very creative.
Predicted winner: Bengals

Vikings @ Redskins
Both natives in their lands and big proponents of spears, these factions never really quarreled until a young Viking named Blip sailed into Redskin territory. Blip was foolish but sturdy and strong-willed. The Redskins liked the furs Blip was wearing and offered to trade some of their own for them. Blip wasn't much of a trader so he screamed, slaughtered the Redskins, and stole their furs. He and his family were very warm for years to come.
Predicted winner: Vikings

Texans @ Rams
Texans have guns and that's tough but Rams' skulls and horns are so hard that they reflect bullets. That's really hard.
Predicted winner: Rams

Cowboys @ Falcons
Bulls are easy to lasso but Falcons are quite feisty. And they can fly. A young bull tried to fly once but it ended horribly so that's why matadors use capes to taunt them. Or wear capes. Or whatever. Bulls don't see red. Scientists think. But who really knows? Bulls know. They also often visit Falcons and discuss how to take down matadors, who are really Mexican cowboys even though they're not at all but are kind of similar. The bulls tell all their secrets to Falcons, who then fly around and avoid lassoes like no other. I don't know. This was my last one. I want to go back to bed.
Predicted winner: Falcons

Giants @ 49ers
UPSET- This week, with the home-habitat advantage, our 49ers have made it to California and are looking for gold. They found one piece too heavy for even a group of them to carry so they enlisted the help of a local Giant named Steggy. Steggy was the Giant whose urine had created the Grand Canyon, so he was quite powerful. The 49ers asked Steggy to move the huge hunk of gold into a nearby town so it could be appraised and agreed to pay him half of the amount. However, treachery was afoot. Steggy lumbered into town with the golden boulder and set it down next to the Appraiser's Office. All the townspeople threw rocks at Steggy's head. He became disoriented and tripped over the gold and succumbed to his injuries after flattening the entire town. But the gold was worth so much that the people built a shiny new town and somehow incorporated the Giant's body into it. So the new town thrived as Steggy rotted away. It was probably a very smelly town. But thanks for the Grand Canyon, Steggy.
Predicted winner: 49ers

Patriots @ Broncos
A gaggle of Patriots tried to invade a farm, unaware that Broncos defend their homes as vigorously as Patriots do. These Broncos were happy to live on a farm, being taught how to be less wild and stop bucking. Until the Battle Of The Bronco Barn, humans didn't know that other animals could form militaristic strategy. The Broncos knew their farm like the back of their hooves, which apparently was once three toes. The Patriots tried to shoot the Broncos but the constant galloping and trotting led to mass confusion. The Patriots ended up shooting each other (mostly by mistake) and the Broncos went on to be tamed and eat many carrots.
Predicted winner: Broncos
MONDAY 11/13


Dolphins @ Panthers
In water, Dolphins are fast movers who can attack fiercely if necessary. On land, Dolphins are generally useless where Panthers roam freely like mighty… Panthers. Dolphins breathe air so they should be able to battle on land, yes? No. Their bodies would overheat and dry out, and that's gross. But did you know that Panthers are allergic to Dolphin meat? Neither did I until I made that up five seconds ago. Allergic or not, Panthers would certainly prevail in a land battle because Dolphins were made to live in water and water is scary because that's where slimy monsters live.
Predicted winner: Panthers



Wins after 8 weeks
Mike Celuch: 72; ESPN's NFL "experts": 71; SpoolyGoo: 69


I know it's not NFL but it's excellent.


Week 9 (6 teams on bye)

THURSDAY 11/2


Bills vs. Jets

There was a rich guy named Bill. Oddly, he had a brother named Rich who was a bill guy. But this isn't about Rich. Bill owned a Jet and piloted it himself. While flying one day, Bill encountered a large amount of turbulence. Bill got very scared because the shaking wasn't stopping. The Jet's speedometers and whatever else Jets have were going haywire. Bill decided his only option was to eject from the plane. So he hit the eject button because he was so rich that his Jet had one. While falling to Earth, Bill watched his poor Jet get ripped apart. Then he landed in the lion enclosure at a local zoo. The lions ate Bill. And Rich was very sad. But Bill had outlived his Jet. RIP, rich guy named Bill.

Predicted winner: Bills


SUNDAY 11/5

Buccaneers vs. Saints
Saint Bucky, they call him. He was a Buccaneer who got canonized. That means he died but his memory or spirit or whatever was officially declared a Saint. As a Buccaneer, Saint Bucky ransacked many ships and towns. But there was something special about one ship. It was run by orphans with bad diseases. Bucky, a very accomplished Buccaneer, couldn't steal from orphans with bad diseases. He climbed aboard the ship and helped guide the orphans with bad diseases to a land where cure were sure to exist. When Bucky got back to his Buccaneer ship, his fellow Buccaneers assumed he had caught at least one bad disease from the orphans with bad diseases and threw him overboard. Bucky drowned, but the orphans with bad diseases became orphans who once had bad diseases. Pour one out for Saint Bucky.
Predicted winner: Saints (I don't really know why based on that story.)

Rams vs. Giants
There's a story from (I think) Greek Mythology about a Giant getting tricked into thinking that people were Rams. Or something. I'm gonna go look it up and you should too.
Predicted winner: Rams
PS- It's from Homer's Odyssey and the Giant is a Cyclops. Check it out.

Bengals vs. Jaguars
This is set to be one fabulous feline fracas. Looking ferocious in their stripes, the Bengals march onto the field ready for action. Sleek in their spotted coats, the Jaguars sashay to meet their opponents. I wish I knew more about fashion modeling to continue this but I don't so instead read this very credible article which sort of explains why a tiger would win in broken English. Read it aloud in a bad Russian accent for full effect.
Predicted winner: Bengals
Colts vs. Texans
Colts in Texas are known as Texlts. It's unpronounceable, but that doesn't mean it isn't true. A young Texlt named Stool was galloping when he encountered a gaggle of Texans. They were all firing guns and shouting with boots on even though it was really hot and sandals would've been more appropriate. Stool was scared of the Texans but knew his Texlt friends would quickly come to his rescue if there was trouble. Well, the Texans started trouble, the Texlts didn't show up to help because they were getting castrated, and Stool got shot 15 times because violence is always the right thing to do.
Predicted winner: Texans

Cardinals vs. 49ers
Nearing Arizona because they took a wrong turn at Albuquerque, our gold-seekers encountered some small red birds. The 49ers saw no danger in setting down their cups of water while setting up their tents, so they… set down their cups of water while setting up their tents. The nearby Cardinals took this as their opportunity to drop things into the cups of water. Most of the birds used stones but one decided to drop a clump of peyote. The 49er who drank from that cup- Jeff- got horribly sick. His friends told him he be trippin' but they didn't know he actually was trippin'. They gave him no aid nor medication so Jeff slipped away from life. But no one really liked him so they weren't very upset.
Predicted winner: Cardinals
PS- I have no idea if peyote can come in clumps nor if it can kill a man named Jeff. So there.

Raiders vs. Dolphins
Raiders don't only do their Raiding on land. They've been known to Raid the seas, which is commonly where Dolphins live. Dolphins gather and collect gold. Raiders love gold but they dislike the whole merry gathering and collecting part. They'd rather do it immorally. So a group of Raiders dove into the ocean after Dolphin gold. They Dolphins were onto their plot, however, and quickly chased them away.
Predicted winner: Dolphins

Falcons vs. Panthers
A long time ago, while on vacation in Mongolia, a Panther named Shpep met a young hunter who was using a Falcon to find game. (How awesome is falconry?) The Panther immediately ate the hunter and the Falcon declared war on him. They battled fiercely but Shpep was too much for the Falcon to overtake. The animals have been natural enemies ever since.
Predicted winner: Panthers
Ravens vs. Titans
"My kind are the rulers of the world now," said Blorth the Raven after landing on a Ed the Titan's shoulder. "Fine with me," said Ed, who was growing weary of the ruling Titan lifestyle. Ed packed a lunch and went sailing. Blorth didn't think that would be so easy. But you know what's not easy? Ruling the world. Blorth had a lot of learning to do.
Predicted winner: Ravens

Broncos vs. Eagles
Before horses were invented, Eagles were used to carry people and goods over long distances. These majestic creatures would soar high above Earth with food and supplies and people on their mighty Eagle backs. But their rate of success was terrible. Food rotted in the thin air, the birds (who used to live in wood and metal) ate many of the supplies, and people of all sorts would fall off, plummeting to the ground in terrifying spinning motion things. I can't think of what they're called right now. Then a noble caveman rode into town on a sleek and powerful Bronco. The other cavemen quickly saw how much easier and safer this animal would be for transportation so they killed all the Eagles and the notorious Mighty Eagle Feast.
Predicted winner: Broncos

Redskins vs. Seahawks
Redskin Reggie was wounded in last week's battle with the Cowboys. As soon as it was over, he shouted to the god of water buffaloes that he wanted to beat the hell out of an imaginary bird. The god of water buffaloes is generally an obliger (apparently not an actual word) so he granted Redskin Reggie's wish. It will be a massacre. There will be imaginary feathers everywhere. Redskin Reggie shall win this day.
Predicted winner: Redskins

Chiefs vs. Cowboys
The Cowboys triumphed over the Redskins last week but now their leaders are looking for revenge. Many good Cowboys were lost in the battle against the largely-unorganized foe. With their numbers depleted against a stealthier enemy the Cowboys won't stand a chance against vengeful Chiefs. Unless, of course, Cowboy Carl shows up. But he won't because his son has the flu.
Predicted winner: Chiefs

MONDAY 11/6


Lions vs. Packers
UPSET- While loading a moving van, a Packer noticed a large box he had not put in it. He saw something so he said something. Police arrived and he told them about the situation. Approaching the large box, the bomb squad engineers noticed a noise coming from it. The large box began to shake then a Lion broke it apart and emerged. It ate one of the engineers. Police shot the jungle cat until it moved no more. The Packer was pleased, as he'd always hated Lions since that time at the circus…
Predicted winner: Packers





Week 8 (6 teams on bye)

THURSDAY 10/26


Dolphins vs. Ravens

Ravens don't usually land on water. Dolphins like to jump out of the water. One fine day, a Raven named Keen landed near a cruise ship. Some nearby Dolphins were putting on a show for the passengers because Dolphins are aware of people and how easily amused we are. One Dolphin, Ping Pong, leapt out of the water and hundreds of old people swooned. Keen, however, did not swoon, for he was underneath Ping Pong. He desperately tried to flap his wings for a getaway but Ravens' wings become three times as heavy when wet*. Keen could not get out of the way and Ping Pong crushed him. Raven feathers flew everywhere and some fish made them into headdresses.

Predicted winner: Dolphins

*probably not true


SUNDAY 10/29

Vikings vs. Browns
At the beginning of the season, I predicted that the Browns would do horribly while the Vikings dominated, strictly based on their names. Apparently in real life (if the NFL can be considered real life) the Browns are winless and the Vikings are at the top of their division. Damn, I'm good.
Predicted winner: Vikings

Bears vs. Saints
Do Bears go to Heaven? This timeless question asked around the world has a simple answer- of course they do. Bears seem intimidating and violent but it's only because Nature made them that way. Bears naturally do many good things like maiming tourists who get too close to them despite warning signs and common sense. Saints, however, must try to be good. And trying is stupid.
Predicted winner: Bears

Colts vs. Bengals
According to Hinduism, the first-ever horse was named Uchchaihshravas. (Say that three times fast. Or just once.) He had seven heads and could fly. He was the king of horses (maybe because he was the only one) and was often ridden by gods and/or demons. Horses don't know good and evil. They only know hay and carrots. But that's better than being endangered.
Predicted winner: Colts
49ers vs. Eagles
This week on their way to California, the 49ers encounter a vicious gang of Eagles. There is no luck for these gold-seekers, as they have wagon wheels and single-shot rifles while each Eagle has a plethora of talons. The Eagles will rip apart several 49ers and leave the remains for their good cousins, vultures. I have no idea if Eagles and vultures are actually related nor do I remotely care. Remember, I created this world.
Predicted winner: Eagles

Texans vs. Seahawks
Since Seahawks don't actually exist, we'll say a Texan had a dream about a Seahawk. The bird was massive and lived on top of trains. Our dream Texan was about to board a train when the Seahawk swooped down and stole his luggage. He had everything in there. His wallet, his socks, his favorite spatula for some reason. The Texan wept as the Seahawk resumed his perch atop the train. Then the Texan woke up. What was the meaning of the dream? Nothing. What did he learn from the dream? Also nothing. But he was alive and real, which is more than I can say for any Seahawk.
Predicted winner: Texans

Steelers vs. Lions
In some place, a young ruffian thought it would be funny to break into the zoo and let the animals free. All the cages were securely locked except for the one containing Lions. The hoodlum let them out and they promptly ate him then ran toward the exit, which was also not securely locked. (The security department at this zoo was just awful.) The Lions ran to the nearest building, which happened to be a Steel factory filled with workers putting in overtime. They should have been putting in more hours at the gym because not one of them was able to outrun the Lions. The Lions were eventually caught and returned to the zoo. The Steel factory had to close.
Predicted winner: Lions

Chargers vs. Patriots
A Patriot named Sam (after his uncle) was so zealous and drunk one night that he went into a field with his country's flag on a metal pole.  He waved it around while shouting at the sky. The sky responded with some heavy rain and a brisk Charge of lightning. We all know that metal is a conductor of lightning. The metal supporting the flag, however, was a superconductor. It was made of niobium. A niobium flagpole. The Charge struck the Patriot's pole and fried him to a deep crisp. As his charred body fell, the pole got lodged upright into the ground. This was exactly how he wanted to go out.
Predicted winner: Chargers

Panthers vs. Buccaneers
A Buccaneer ship was leaving Somalia to wreak havoc on unsuspecting cargo boats. At the same time, three Panthers from Ethiopia sneakily sneaked onto a cargo boat leaving from Oman. The Panthers ate all of the cargo people, who were vastly unprepared to fight large cats. The cargo boat sailed aimlessly until the Buccaneers caught sight of it. They drank rum and invaded the boat, expecting a weak fight from cargo people and lots of valuable booty to steal. Instead, they received sharp teeth and claws. Now two vessels were floating around aimlessly in the Arabian Sea.
Predicted winner: Panthers

Raiders vs. Bills
UPSET- A band of Raiders had a trader among their ranks. Yes, a traitor Raider. (He was also a day trader and Rollerblader who enjoyed Darth Vader.) His name was Bill. Raider Bill betrayed his life-long Raider friends in the worst way possible. He was such a scumbag. What he did is still talked about to this very day. His treachery will secure him a spot in the Treason Hall Of Fame. It cannot be understated how devious and vicious Raider Bill's duplicity was. Benedict Arnold himself returned from the grave to give a speech about Raider Bill, saying not even he could commit such an act. One day, in the faraway future, when History books are outlawed and World War 24 is happening, mankind might be able to recover from what Raider Bill unleashed upon his companions. Seriously, what a jerk.
Predicted winner: Bills

Falcons vs. Jets
Has a Falcon ever flown into a Jet and been shredded to bits? Probably.
Predicted winner: Jets

Cowboys vs. Redskins
In a match-up that was made for this blog, let's get to it... A Redskin named Wet Bison once trespassed on Cowboy Rick's land. Rick was locked and loaded but Wet Bison declared that the land, in fact, used to belong to his tribe. Rick, a forward-thinking Cowboy, felt sorry that his ancestors took land which was occupied by Wet Bison's people. He invited the Redskin in for a dinner of steak and corn and other stereotypical Cowboy fare. Wet Bison accepted but assumed that Rick was being deceptive. Before the feast, Cowboy Rick handed Wet Bison a steak knife. The Redskin quickly jabbed it into the Cowboy's neck, killing him instantly. Not knowing what to do, Wet Bison ran around the house. In the parlor, he found a picture of someone he deduced was Rick's great-grandpappy standing next to- gasp!- his own great-grandpappy, Cunning Puma. Their families had been friendly. Delirious, Wet Bison went to Cowboy Rick's corpse, took the knife out of his neck, recited a native prayer, and… cut up the rest of his steak. It was a top sirloin which should not have been wasted. Wet Bison drank all the firewater he could find then stumbled home.
Predicted winner: Redskins

MONDAY 10/30


Broncos vs. Chiefs
The mightiest of Chiefs ride on the mightiest of Broncos. This gives them an edge over their enemies, who are also mighty Chiefs riding mighty Broncos. (War is so stupid.) One night in the stable, the Broncos had a Bronco meeting. They were sick of being ridden into battle against other Broncos, who were their friends and sometimes relatives. There was to be a revolt. At the next battle, all of the Broncos bucked feverishly, flinging the Chiefs to the ground. Angered, the Chiefs decided to spear each other's Broncos. The horses hadn't planned on that! So all the Broncos were dead and the Chiefs went into teepees to smoke peace pipes. War had been averted and the tribes lived in harmony until some other gang or whatever tried to kill them all.
Predicted winner: Chiefs




Week 7 (2 teams on bye)

THURSDAY 10/19


Chiefs vs. Raiders

One time on the plains, many Chiefs were having an important meeting about Chief things. Suddenly, a gaggle of Raiders showed up to Raid the village. They burned things, broke things, and stole women. The Chiefs were not happy about this. They organized an excellent attack plan but had no warriors to execute it. The Raiders cut all the Chiefs' heads off then took their feathers and drums.

Predicted winner: Raiders


SUNDAY 10/22

Ravens vs. Vikings
Vikings frequently used Ravens to communicate throughout the Seven Kingdoms. Sometimes they flew impossibly fast but they always got to their destinations unharmed even though surely ONE would've succumbed to the elements or gotten captured by the enemy. Oh, that's something else? Well, if Vikings HAD used Ravens to communicate, they obviously would have celebrated each letter received by snapping the Raven in half and using its blood to make mead.
Predicted winner: Vikings

Jets vs. Dolphins
Didn't this happen already? Let me check… Sure did. I correctly predicted the Jets to be victorious four weeks ago but this battle shall belong to the Dolphins because they're smart and I can't think of anything clever.
Predicted winner: Dolphins

Cardinals vs. Rams
When Cardinals land on the horns of Rams, the Rams get quite confused. They're aware that something landed on their person (or Ram) but can't feel nor see it. The Cardinals then begin pecking away. However, Rams have very hard heads (probably) so the Cardinals' beaks get all smushed and bent like in cartoons. Then they get dizzy and fall to the ground, becoming Ramfood. Tough way to go.
Predicted winner: Rams

Jaguars vs. Colts
A young Colt name Murphy was prancing around the range one day when a gaggle of Jaguars came upon him. (This may not be geographically accurate.) The hungry Jaguars inched in but the young Colt thought they wanted to play. So he pranced some more, then got pounced-on and eaten.
Predicted winner: Jaguars

Cowboys vs. 49ers
The 49ers of my nonsense world haven't had very good luck getting to California. This time they met a squadron of Cowboys. With guns clickin' and boots clackin', the Cowboys scared many 49ers into turning around completely. Those who stayed were lassoed, hog-tied, and…I don't know…skinned alive. This was an especially vicious group of Cowboys.
Predicted winner: Cowboys

Seahawks vs. Giants
Birds that don't exist against huge people who don't exist. I mean, there are big people, but not Giants. Since Seahawks aren't real, let's make them very big. One day, a humble Giant named Trayvon was planting a Giant garden. In swooped a Seahawk who stole all of Trayvon's carrots. Huge Seahawks love carrots. But that particular Seahawk was allergic to carrots. He didn't know because his appointment with the Seahawk allergist was supposed to be next Tuesday. So the Seahawk died and the Giant laughed. It was a huge laugh. It shook the whole world and caused mudslides. And that's how mudslides happen.
Predicted winner: Giants

Falcons vs. Patriots
The symbol of the United States in an eagle. Apparently Benjamin Franklin thought it should've been a turkey. But few people* know that Founding Father and law guy John Jay had an affinity for Falcons. Jay made his opinion known but the Great Bird Symbol Decision was made, resulting in the bald eagle stealing the spotlight which had not been invented yet. Furious, John Jay founded a school in New York (or it was named after him; whatever) and denounced all Falcons. Nobody would accuse John Jay of being a non-Patriot whose love for country overpowered his love for Falcon.
Predicted winner: Patriots
*zero people, do to untruth

Saints vs. Packers
'Oh, we do lots of nice things.' 'Oh, we load moving vans.' What a yawn of a match-up. Joan Of Arc is a saint. She also had syphilis and was burned alive. As for a famous Packer, I can't even name the guy who last helped pack my goods. (Yes I can. It was Mike Celuch.) This battle goes to Joan.
Predicted winner: Saints

Panthers vs. Bears
UPSET- Have you ever seen a Panther? They're huge. Even the kittens are terrifying. Bears are also huge but their cubs look playful and silly. During a previous battle between these unnatural foes, their offspring also battled. You couldn't keep 'em separated! This was fiercer than the adult conflict. In the end, the Jaguars kittens were able to trick all the Bear cubs into thinking they were cute and innocent then ripped them apart and wore their Bear furs to brag. The Panther adults, who had won their bout as well, were very proud.
Predicted winner: Panthers

Buccaneers vs. Bills
Have you ever heard of Buccaneer Bill? What do you think he would have to say about this match-up? On one hand, he CHOSE to be a Buccaneer. The other hand says he was BORN to be Bill. Buccaneer Bill was absolutely torn about this match-up. Buccaneer Bill decided to let fate determine the outcome. He had some friends named Bill, which he gathered under the guise of bowling because fat guys named Bill love bowling. Unbeknownst to the Bills, Buccaneer Bill also conjured some Buccaneer friends who got mad because they couldn't bowl due to their hook hands. They were so mad that they shredded all of the Bills and the bowling alley's lanes were greased with Bill blood for a week.
Predicted winner: Buccaneers

Titans vs. Browns
The former rules of Earth were not Brown. Probably.
Predicted winner: Titans

Bengals vs. Steelers
Can a skilled smith get Steel as sharp as a Bengal's fang? Do Bengals have fangs? These are all good questions. The one thing which must be noted is that Bengals are large and ferocious and Steelers tend to drink lots of beer after clocking out of work. A drunken Steeler would not be a contest against a hungry striped cat, sober or not. (This one was stupid.)
Predicted winner: Bengals

Broncos vs. Chargers
A Bronco bucked once and was struck by a Charge of lightning. This coincidence was captured on video by amateurs who happened to be obsessed with horses AND electricity. Overjoyed, the amateurs jumped into their car (which runs on horsepower) and posted the video on social media (which runs on electricity). Frightened by this revelation, the amateurs had immediate heart attacks. Meanwhile, the Bronco came back from the dead and ate the amateurs. I don't know what the point of this was.
Predicted winner: Broncos

MONDAY 10/23


Redskins vs. Eagles
As stated above (and in History textbooks everywhere), an Eagle is the symbol of the United States. However, some might argue that it should be a Redskin because the white man knew about them before knowing about Eagles. Something like that. Before Europeans showed up, Redskins were happily killing Eagles by the dozen for food, fancy headgear, and to make weapons from their talons. Horrible Italian Christopher Columbus ended the Redskins' domination over Eagles by killing everybody. So now an Eagle is our national avian symbol. Yippee.
Predicted winner: Eagles




This is Trey Wingo. Look at his stupid face.


Week 6 (4 teams on bye)

THURSDAY 10/12

Eagles vs. Panthers

Have you ever realized that Eagles are the same size as Panthers? We just can't tell because of their wingspan and habit of soaring. However, this is not true. Panthers are much bigger.

Predicted winner: Panthers


SUNDAY 10/15

Bears vs. Ravens
While pouncing through the forest, a kindly Bear came upon an unkindness of Ravens. (If you haven't been paying attention, the group of Ravens is called an unkindness.) The Bear was taken aback, as tends to happen to Bears when they meet Ravens. The lead Raven squawked loudly then flew directly at the Bear, who promptly smashed it to the ground with his mighty Bear paw.
Predicted winner: Bears

49ers vs. Redskins
When the 49ers arrived down Californy way, there was a tribe of Redskins waiting for them. While the 49ers brought pans with the intention of panning for gold, they first used them to deflect arrows and tomahawks. This is a little-known fact but trust me; I was there and I saw these pans deflect things but ultimately topple because the Redskins also had spears.
Predicted winner: Redskins

Dolphins vs. Falcons
What's been happening with the Dolphins? That's the only storyline I've had going. They were electrified then something about a plane. I don't feel like checking but I'll tell you this much- you don't see a Dolphin getting captured and used for a stupid stunt at Medieval Times.
Predicted winner: Dolphins

Patriots vs. Jets
A Patriot tried to leave his country once. His fell out of the Jet.
Predicted winner: Jets

Rams vs. Jaguars
Jaguars have sharp teeth but no horns.
Predicted winner: Rams

Steelers vs. Chiefs
The advent of steel revolutionized the weapons industry*. Steelers were able to create sturdy swords and eventually guns**. Chiefs did not use steel but relied on wooden weapons and tactical advantages. During the Industrial Revolution, a group of steel workers left the factory one day and were confronted by a tribe of Chiefs. Only Chiefs, for some reason. The Steelers, though heavily armed because they commonly took their work home with them, did not know how to properly utilize their steel weapons. It was a slaughter, and slaughter is the best medicine.
Predicted winner: Chiefs
*maybe
*saw this on TV so it's obviously true

Packers vs. Vikings
Viking families moved around a lot. There were factors such as lack of food in the cold Winter and terrifying animals like wolves. Vikings, being busy doing Vikings things, would often hire Packers to move their Viking belongings. Then they would massacre the Packers and eat their skin.
Predicted winner: Vikings

Lions vs. Saints
One time, a Saint was praying that a Lion wouldn't eat him. Then a Lion ate him.
Predicted winner: Lions

Browns vs. Texans
Damn it, Browns. Stop being a color and facing enemies who have guns.
Predicted winner: Texans

Buccaneers vs. Cardinals
In this highly-anticipated battle of the teams with the longest names (look it up), the Buccaneers hold a one-letter edge. However, this isn't about length. (That's what I said.) One day, a Buccaneer named Fluffy Funbeard got very drunk on grog. He woke up the next morning (quite groggy) and sought his regularly trusted parrot. During the night, that parrot was eaten by a vicious Cardinal. Fluffy put this Cardinal uponst his shoulder and it immediately pecked at his eye. However, it was Fluffy's eyepatch eye, which stunned the Cardinal and knocked him out. Confused, Fluffy wandered too close to The Plank and fell into the sea. The Cardinal regained consciousness and was promptly eaten by the ship's cat. Sure, Buccaneer ships had cats, just like they all had eyepatches and planks.
Predicted winner: Cardinals

Chargers vs. Raiders
Thor was a mighty Norse god. He would often harness Charges while going on Raids. I don't think he really did that but it would've been awesome. When used properly, a Charging Raider is unstoppable. However, against each other, lightning would obviously win.
Predicted winner: Chargers

Giants vs. Broncos
UPSET- Giants are huge. Relatively, Broncos are small. However, in this universe, there was once a Bronco who was a mighty bucker. He'd buck all day and buck all night. (It's all good; it's all right.) Any person, animal, or plant that got on top of him would promptly get bucked off. One day, a bunch of Giants were having a Giant meeting about Giant issues. They had heard about the Bronco. Parpy, the bravest of the Giants, announced he would ride the Bronco without getting bucked off. He didn't succeed.
Predicted winner: Broncos

MONDAY 10/16


Colts vs. Titans
A young Titan farmer was counting the pigs one day. He got up to 12 when a Colt came along, turned himself around, and gave the Titan a vicious double-kick. However, this hit the Titan's legs, which were massive because he did a lot of Titan squats. The Colt was the one who got hurt then fell down and the pigs are him. There were 22 total pigs, by the way.
Predicted winner: Titans






Week 5 (4 teams on bye)

THURSDAY 10/5

Patriots vs. Buccaneers

Many* History books do not mention** the importance of Buccaneers during the American Revolution. These rogues were not on either side of the war, but their own. They happily plundered and pillaged and said all sorts of stereotypical things that they probably didn't really say like, 'Arr, matey'. Patriots died, Redcoats died, and Buccaneers reaped the benefits. On the eve of one battle which I will not name***, numerous Buccaneers raided the Patriots' camp. They assailed, assaulted, and generally shivered timbers all night. Heavily depleted, the Patriot army could not win the battle and therefore lost the war and here we are today. Wait, that doesn't make sense. Replace Patriots' camp with Redcoats' camp and you'll be happily on your way. But how does this choose the winner?

Predicted winner: Buccaneers
*All
**because it's not true
***cannot name due to it being completely false



SUNDAY 10/8

49ers vs. Colts
49ers rode Colts to California in search of gold. Probably. Maybe. I'm sure some kind of horse was involved. But which species survived more trips without succumbing to dysentery or being killed for meat? Well, California isn't exactly run by horses. Just ask former Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Predicted winner: 49ers

Jaguars vs. Steelers
Could you imagine a Jaguar made of Steel? That would be awesome.
Predicted winner: Jaguars

Bills vs. Bengals
You know when you call a big company's customer service department and a guy with a thick Indian accent answers then tells you his name is Bill because being an American is so cool? Well, Bill got eaten by a Bengal yesterday. He left behind one wife, three gods, seventeen children, and a cupboard full of curry. Bill was a nice man.
Predicted winner: Bengals

Titans vs. Dolphins
Mythologically, Triton was the messenger of the sea. I guess he swam around handing people letters. But he also could control waves and tides. That's neat and could really screw a Dolphin up. Though not a Titan, Triton rhymes with Titan. See what I did there? I sure don't.
Predicted winner: Titans

Ravens vs. Raiders
Raiders are often Pirates and Pirates are often seen with tamed birds on their shoulders. However, those birds are parrots or some other colorful nonsense. Ravens are much bigger than parrots. And without a parrot, a Raider will fall into the sea.
Predicted winner: Ravens

Packers vs. Cowboys
A guy named Stim was packing his car for a lovely day at the beach. He loaded a chair to sit on because he likes to sit on chairs. A Cowboy crept up behind Stim, lassoed the chair, then smashed Stim's face with it. It was quite a manly display for no reason at all.
Predicted winner: Cowboys

Jets vs. Browns
What a boring match-up. (Apparently in real life, too.) A UPS plane would unite these sides. But if I were at war, I'd much rather be in a Jet than wearing a Brown outfit.
Predicted winner: Jets

Chargers vs. Giants
When lightning Charges strike, Giants are often the first to get hit because they are taller than regular people. They can withstand one Charge but not multiple. However, it's said that lightning never strikes the same place twice. But that has been proven false. I don't know what the point is.
Predicted winner: Giants

Panthers vs. Lions
Panthers dominate the Americas but leopards- a breed of Panther- is often hunted by Lions in African. The greatest threat to all big cats, however, is people. Deforestation and poaching have led to both species' habitats being diminished. This unfortunate and frankly unnatural dilemma has caused Panthers and Lions to seek refuge in unexpected places, such as areas near human activity. This has led to even more killing of large cats in a vicious cycle which has feline numbers heading toward endangerment status and ultimately extinction. Be kind.
Predicted winner: Lions

Cardinals vs. Eagles
A flock of Cardinals is sometimes called a Vatican because there are human Cardinals in the Vatican who decide things or whatever they do. A group of Eagles is called a Convocation, which means a formal assembly. These are important factors in deciding a winner in this battle of the birds.
Predicted winner: Cardinals

Seahawks vs. Rams
UPSET- Because Seahawks are fictional birds, I can make them as strong as I want. And this week, a Seahawk has enough might to pick up a fully-grown Ram, fly it over a volcano, then drop the horned beast into the lava. Or is it still magma? The hot stuff!
Predicted winner: Seahawks

Chiefs vs. Texans
Once upon a time, there were many Chiefs in Texas. I guess they were the original Texans. Then other people came in and called themselves Texans. An Italian whose own country didn't support him would've referred to the Chiefs as Indians. Italians and Texans are horrible. Happy Bullshit Columbus Day.
Predicted winner: Chiefs

MONDAY 10/9

Vikings vs. Bears
This here is an AWESOME matchup. Bears are huge and furry and scary while Vikings are… huge and furry and scary. Bears have sharp claws and teeth; Vikings have sharp axes and swords. These fierce tribes have had many battles in the cold mountains. However, on top of being awesome, Vikings are humans who can strategize and axes are better than stupid claws.
Predicted winner: Vikings






Week 4

THURSDAY 9/28


Bears vs. Packers

I was packing my car before a move and a Bear showed up. Surprisingly, it helped me, as I was lifting something quite heavy. I had a beer with the Bear. Then he ate my face. Lesson learned.
Predicted winner: Bears



SUNDAY 9/31

Saints vs. Dolphins
Not many people know that Dolphins can become Saints after they die. But there are more human Saints, like Joan Of Arc, who was probably insane from syphilis. She's a Saint, right? Whatever. Joan is playing for the Saints this week and she will lead her legion of other French Saints into the ocean to cause chaos for the Dolphins. But killing many Dolphins might make more Dolphins Saints, so we'll see what happens next week. If I remember this.
Predicted winner: Saints

Titans vs. Texans
When the Titans ruled the world, one of them stepped on Texas. A Texan said, in typical Texan fashion, "You may rule the world but you don't rule Texas." The Titan informed the Texan that Texas is part of the world, so he actually did rule it. Then the Texan shot the Titan.
Predicted winner: Texans

Jaguars vs. Jets
A group of Jaguars once chartered a Jet to fly from Florida to Colombia because they wanted to do lots of drugs. But the Jet crashed. All the Jaguars died and the Jet was destroyed. I don't know. This is a stupid match-up.
Predicted winner: Jets

Panthers vs. Patriots
ROAR, said the Panther as it bit down on the neck of the guy who loves his country.
Predicted winner: Panthers

Lions vs. Vikings
Now this is a grand battle. Lions would certainly have the advantage in the desert but this clash will take place in the cold sub-Arctic. Regular Lions aren't so good in the cold but mountain Lions are. This will be a fierce fight with many casualties on both sides. But obviously the Vikings will win because they're Vikings and Lions are cats and cats are terrible.
Predicted winner: Vikings

Bills vs. Falcons
UPSET- A Falcon swooped down to grab a $5 Bill in its mighty talons. It shredded the Bill and fed it to her child-Falcons. They all choked and died. The Falcon, extremely upset, jumped out of the nest and refused to fly, committing Falcon-suicide. This was a sad day for Falcons.
Predicted winner: Bills

Steelers vs. Ravens
A group of Ravens is called an 'unkindness'. That's awesome.
Predicted winner: Ravens

Bengals vs. Browns
Brown, though still a color, continues to fight hard against all enemies. Bengals, which are ferocious tigers with stripes and sharp teeth, eat everything, including colors. I'm sick of the Browns losing. They're probably gonna win next week.
Predicted winner: Bengals

Rams vs. Cowboys
Had the Cowboys been Ramboys, this would be a no-brainer. But cows are big and slow and have too many stomachs. Rams have hard heads and horns. A Ram would wreck a Cowboy.
Predicted winner: Rams

Eagles vs. Chargers
Well, who rules the sky? Electric Charges do not have keen eyesight. 'Blitzkrieg' does not mean Eagle War. If a bolt of Charge were to strike an Eagle, the raptor would be done-for. But an Eagle is the animalistic embodiment of America even though it's just a bird and couldn't care less about people. You worship a bird and I'll ride the lightning.
Predicted winner: Chargers

Giants vs. Buccaneers
As I write this, I'm listening to a Pirate metal band from Scotland. The songs are cheerful yet tough and catchy as hell. I imagine Giant music would sound like slowly stomping through mud.
Predicted winner: Buccaneers

49ers vs. Cardinals
Ugh, there are so many bird teams in the NFL. Historically and hysterically, Cardinals have harvested more gold than poor people who pan for it. There are hundreds of stashes of Cardinal gold all over Earth. Some use it for nests while others juggle it as part of their mating dance. Yes, in this world, Cardinals can juggle.
Predicted winner: Cardinals

Raiders vs. Broncos
As stated above, I've always been a Raiders fan. I thought up a funny scenario which would have the Ponies winning but even though I don't care about football, I will never pick them over the Raiders. Sorry for the lack of humor.
Predicted winner: Raiders
Colts vs. Seahawks
Another bird!?!?
Predicted winner: Colts

MONDAY 10/1


Redskins vs. Chiefs
So here we are. Students against masters. Generals vs. Privates. Other vampires opposing Dracula. Many Draculas. Whatever. Chiefs will have wisdom; Redskins will have strength. I wish I had something funny to write but this is really interesting to me. I'll have to go with Redskins because there are more of them. Their numbers will dwindle, but they shall not fall.
Predicted winner: Redskins







Week 3

THURSDAY 9/21


Rams vs. 49ers

Picture it- San Francisco, 1849. A bonehead is sifting through rocks to find shiny golden rocks because they're valuable for some reason. His family is 2,000 miles away and he's had no contact with them since he left home nine months ago. A nearby Ram says to himself 1) 'I have a hard head and sharp horns', and 2) 'I like to have fun'. This Ram, living up to his name, rams the 49er in the buttocks, paralyzing both his body and hopes for the future. Also, all members of the guy's family had already died from dysentery and snakebites.

Predicted winner: Rams


SUNDAY 9/24

Ravens vs. Jaguars
I saw a cartoon in which a cat was desperately trying to eat a bird. The cat tried many things but always got hurt and/or in trouble. This cat's efforts were valiant and even when he had the bird in his mouth, it got away. But that bird was an obnoxious dickhead.
Predicted winner: Jaguars

Steelers vs. Bears
UPSET- This just in: Superman, aka the Man Of Steel, will be playing for the Steelers this week. The team has made a special uniform for Superman so he can keep his superpowers during the battle. He will look like a regular player so much that no one will be able to tell he is actually Superman. Bears everywhere are frantically searching for a ringer of their own. That weird polar bear thing from Game Of Thrones has not yet answered their calls.
Predicted winner: Steelers

Buccaneers vs. Vikings
I was hoping this iconic matchup would happen this season. Or does it happen every season? I don't remember/care. Pirates against Vikings. Ferocious and infamous warriors all. Vikings drank mead (we think). Buccaneers drank some kind of rum (we think). These drunk and tough bandits were both fierce on the sea. However, I've not heard much about Buccaneers on land. Maybe they just went to sleep. On the other hand, I recently watched a movie about Vikings. Two of them were skiing while dodging arrows and protecting a baby. I'm sure this was 100% historically accurate so there's your winner.
Predicted winner: Vikings

Dolphins vs. Jets
Last week, the Dolphins absorbed electricity to beat the Chargers. They have retained some of that electricity and are seeking to shoot some of it into a large Jet. Unfortunately for them, that Jet would have to crash into the ocean first and the odds of a plane crashing into the ocean are as slim as the odds of a Dolphin absorbing electricity. Wait, what?
Predicted winner: Jets

Falcons vs. Lions
Did you know that Falcons are strong enough to pick up Lions high enough to drop them to their doom? Did you also know that was a horrible lie?
Predicted winner: Lions

Seahawks vs. Titans
In a fictional land, a fictional Titan reached the sea and a fictional Seahawk swooped down to pluck his eyes out. (The word 'pluck' makes eye-removal almost sound charming, huh?) The Titan grabbed the bird and blindly plucked (that word again) its feathers out. The naked Seahawk flew away but didn't actually fly because it didn’t have feathers anymore. The clothed Titan stole another Titans eyes then stomped on the nude bird while screaming, 'Pluck you'.
Predicted winner: Titans

Bengals vs. Packers
There's probably a story about a postal worker in India who got mauled by a large striped cat while packing his truck for the day.
Predicted winner: Bengals

Broncos vs. Bills
Pecos Bill was apparently not a real person but Pecos, Texas, is the sight of the world's first rodeo. Rodeos are all about breaking Broncos who like to buck, sometimes known as Bucking Broncos. The rodeo players are probably successful more than half of the time, and I base that on absolutely nothing. Plus rodeos have clowns. That's nice.
Predicted winner: Bills

Saints vs. Panthers
After successfully killing and eating gold-seekers and guys named William, the Panthers should have no problem getting the best of really nice people.
Predicted winner: Panthers

Browns vs. Colts
Colt- young, muscular horse. Brown- color.
Predicted winner: Colts

Texans vs. Patriots
Lots of guns in this battle. Texans only love Texas but Patriots love the entire country, including Texas. So half of the Texans will battle for the Patriots. (If an NFL game was like that, I'd watch.)
Predicted winner: Patriots

Giants vs. Eagles
In an actual land, an actual large guy reached the sea and an actual Eagle swooped down to pluck his eyes out. The Giant grabbed the bird and blindly plucked its feathers out. The naked Eagle flew away but didn't actually fly because it didn’t have feathers anymore. The clothed Giant couldn't steal another Giant's eyes because it doesn't work like that. The Giant tripped over the nude Eagle and rolled down a mountain. The Eagle died, but not before the Giant did.
Predicted winner: Eagles

Chiefs vs. Chargers
Chiefs like to do rain dances and rain often happens when lightning is around so Chiefs can control lightning. Facts.
Predicted winner: Chiefs

Raiders vs. Redskins
Redskins don't have much luck with Raiders. Raiders come into their Redskin towns and demand their Redskin things and the Redskins just talk about the spirit of the water buffalo. I like water buffaloes but that's not the point. Raiders have swords. Or guns. Or whatever.
Predicted winner: Raiders

MONDAY 9/25


Cowboys vs. Cardinals
While trying to lasso a cow (if that's what they do), a Cardinal got in the way of a Cowboy's rope. This didn't affect anything though because ropes are heavy compared to small birds. The cow was successfully lassoed and brought to the saloon or whatever happens.
Predicted winner: Cowboys






Week 2

THURSDAY 9/14

Texans vs. BengalsTwo groups who have never met. Neither has ever traveled abroad*. Hmm. Texans do have guns but Bengals are stealthy. It would really be a matter of opportunity. Bengals would have an easier time hunting at night.
Predicted winner: Bengals
*Likely untrue



SUNDAY 9/17

Bills vs. Panthers
It's still unclear what a Bill is but regardless a Panther would destroy it.
Predicted winner: Panthers

Vikings vs. Steelers
It would take several Steelers to throw a steel beam at a group of people but only one Viking to throw a spear through each of his enemies at one time.
Predicted winner: Vikings

Patriots vs. Saints
Patriots really like their country. Saints really like being good. Patriots would die for their country. Saints might die for goodness but that'd be weird.
Predicted winner: Patriots

Eagles vs. Chiefs
In an extremely factual and historical battle, a Chief named Swooping Eagle soundly defeated his enemies. While that's probably not true at all, it also doesn't help me decide on a winner. Eagles have an aerial advantage but Chiefs are on the ground and the ground is better.
Predicted winner: Chiefs

Jets vs. Raiders
Last week, the airplane Jets lost to guys named William while the Raiders beat former rulers of the Earth.
Predicted winner: Raiders

Cowboys vs. Broncos
Now this is a truly classic matchup. Master against slave. Teacher against student. Or something like that. Cowboys always try to "break" Broncos but statistically* they get "bucked" three out of every five attempts. Or am I thinking of bulls? This isn't basketball (though Bulls vs. Mavericks would be similar) so the horses will win out of sheer strength. And if they get into trouble, they can call on bulls to help them. This just in- I don't know anything about Texas.
Predicted winner: Broncos
*Didn't look this up at all

Redskins vs. Rams
If an arrow was flying at me, I'd want to be able to headbutt it out of the way.
Predicted winner: Rams

Bears vs. Buccaneers
Bears are tough. They can withstand attacks from rocks, mean names, and bare-handed people. (Yes, they would crush them with their bear hands.) But they could not withstand cannonballs from drunks on ships.
Predicted winner: Buccaneers

Cardinals vs. Colts
UPSET- We found out last week that it's common practice for Colts to get castrated. This used to be done with some gin and a sharp blade. Then ranchers discovered little red birds who have a natural knack for removing horse balls.
Predicted winner: Cardinals

Browns vs. Ravens
The United Parcel Service (UPS) used to have the slogan, 'What can brown do for you?' Gross. So gross that they abandoned it.
Predicted winner: Ravens

Titans vs. Jaguars
Jaguars got revenge last week on gun-toting gun-shooters. The next reasonable enemy up the chain would be former mythological rules of Earth.
Predicted winner: Jaguars

Dolphins vs. Chargers
When a lightning bolt strikes the ocean, Dolphins absorb the Charge*. They become electric Dolphins and wreak havoc throughout the water. They can shoot electricity out of their bottle-noses at unsuspecting fish, whales, and anemones. Amenomes. Amenemenones. Many enemies. This is fierce.
Predicted winner: Dolphins
*Couldn't be less true

49ers vs. Seahawks
In the mid-1880s, many people went to California in search of gold. What many of those many found was birds which don't actually exist. The gold-seekers were tired and weak, so the fraudulent avians attacked with glee.
Predicted winner: Seahawks

Packers vs. Falcons
One day, a guy was packing a box because he was moving to the nicer side of town. He put his favorite childhood toy- a stuffed mouse- into the box. With keen eyesight and unvarying swiftness, a Falcon soaring high about the Packer saw the mouse. It swooped down and grabbed it. The angry Packer threw various things at the Falcon but never hit it. However, the Falcon tried to eat the stuffed mouse but choked to death instead.
Predicted winner: Packers

MONDAY 9/18


Lions vs. Giants
Lions hunt in packs called prides. Prides have taken down elephants. Giants are bigger than elephants.
Predicted winner: Giants



Week 1

THURSDAY 9/7

Chiefs vs. Patriots
I feel like these groups have battled before…
This would be a hard-fought contest between men who love to defend their own kind. Chiefs have earned their way to the top and are master strategists. On the other hand, I've seen The Patriot starring Mel Gibson. His crew ragtag but got the job done convincingly. There is also a movie titled The Patriot starring Steven Seagal, and Steven Seagal is terrible.
Predicted winner: Chiefs

SUNDAY 9/10

Jets vs. Bills
Now, what is a Bill? A dollar note? The amount you must pay after eating at a restaurant? A nickname for William for some reason? None is very intimidating. A Jet is large and heavy and wouldn't exactly cause damage to you but you'd get very tired trying to beat it up and would have nothing to show for it.
Predicted winner: Jets

Steelers vs. Browns
Steel workers tend to be quite tough while Brown is a color.
Predicted winner: Steelers


Raiders vs. Titans
Raiders are maniacs who like to perform sudden attacks but I don't think the stealthiest of them could outwit a former ruler of Earth.
Predicted winner: Titans

Eagles vs. Redskins
Both American natives (though Eagles don't mind being called Eagles), both of these groups have much pride. I feel like an Eagle could scoop up a young Redskin but an older one would spear the hell out of it.
Predicted winner: Redskins

Panthers vs. 49ers
If I was a panther and I saw some guy running around screaming that he found gold, I'd eat him.
Predicted winner: Panthers

Giants vs. Cowboys
Cowboys may think they're giants but Giants are actually giants. And giants stomp things.
Predicted winner: Giants

Jaguars vs. Texans
These two have a long history* of fighting each other in the wild. Ever since there was such a place as Texas, Jaguars have been trying to take it over. The Great Jaguar Uprising of 1857 was for naught simply because of one factor- guns. Texans have guns. And guns kill cats.
Predicted winner: Texans
*Completely made up

Cardinals vs. Lions
Though fierce, a small red bird would not stand a chance against the king of the jungle who actually lives in the desert, though 'jungle' comes from a Hindi word meaning 'uninhabited place'. The more you know!
Predicted winner: Lions

Falcons vs. Bears
Falcons are vicious but bears are much more viciouser.
Predicted winner: Bears

Ravens vs. Bengals
UPSET- A little-known fact* is that ravens have incredible skill when it comes to homing in on stripes. Their sharp beaks could thrash a tiger to death in a matter of days.
Predicted winner: Ravens
*Totally untrue

Colts vs. Rams
Young horses against man-sheep. Apparently Colts get castrated later in life so they would have more to fight for.
Predicted winner: Colts

Seahawks vs. Packers
Seahawks suffer from identity crises because there is no animal officially known as a Seahawk. Were they full-blown ospreys or auger hawks (which is their mascot that does not live by the sea), they could pose a legitimate threat. But they don't. On the other side, Packers pack things, which is not very intimidating. Still, I'm gonna have to give the edge to people who will move in the near-future instead of the schizophrenic birds.
Predicted winner: Packers

MONDAY 9/11

Saints vs. Vikings
Let's see- people who do good things or blood-thirsty barbarians?
Predicted winner: Vikings

Chargers vs. Broncos
A lightning bolt could cause some major crazy damage. A lightning bolt could kill a Bronco. Between the two, I'd rather be run-into by a lightning bolt because I probably wouldn't suffer. That said, a Bronco would cause more suffering, which is a rough-and-tough trait.
Predicted winner: Broncos