Moose Vs. Goose

Moose vs. Goose: The Eternal Battle Of The Rhyming Animals

by Rob Cottignies

If you're familiar with my articles, such as my war against a word and why I should be allowed to shoot people in the face, you know this blog tackles today's most pressing and serious topics.

The current ultra-important topic is how much better moose are than geese.

It is unfortunate the words 'moose' and 'goose' rhyme in English. However, this mere coincidence is the only likeness between the creatures.

Awkward and clumsy with poor eyesight, the moose is undeniably mighty. It is far from accidental that 'moose' and 'mighty' begin with the same letter.

Another non-accident is how the G in 'mighty' is completely ignored during pronunciation. That letter is silent, as geese should always be.

Geese are not mighty but hiss like snakes because they’re dumb.

A snake's hiss warns me to not go closer to it lest I be struck down by natural poison, which is awesome. Being poisoned wouldn’t be awesome but the phenomenon of snake venom is breathtaking, figuratively and actually but certainly not literally.

A goose hissing makes me simultaneously laugh and angry, both inspiring the thought of grabbing a furry goose child and punting it into a lake.

The only species-confusion moose have is due to Europeans calling them elk. Why do they do this? It’s just one of those things. But if you ask a goose, you'll probably get an answer like 'Duh, I don't know. I'm going to fly in a V pattern with my friends and crap everywhere because I'm rude and awful.'

For the record which nobody is keeping, I am speaking specifically about Canada geese and not any other kind, such as snow geese, or 'snoogeez' as they prefer to be called.

These geese left Canada out of jealousy because moose are amazing and everyone adores them. The geese selfishly reacted by invading Canada’s only land neighbor. Some brave Canadian should petition their duchess-or-whatever-they-have to change the name of these embarrassing creatures, which are the only blemish on the delightful nation’s culture.

…

‘Oh man, my feet are so sore. I’d better put on my goose slippers.’

NOPE!

There’s no such thing. An internet search for them will come up empty.

When seeking ‘moose slippers’, however, you’ll find pictures of many warm and welcoming slippers with some sort of moose head complete with antlers, which are not only practical but adorable.

A search for ‘goose slippers’ will bring you nameless, faceless sleepy shoes which contain feathers from geese and look dreadful when juxtaposed with a wonderful pair of moose slippers.

(Also, I’m very aware that I said a search would come up empty then provided results from said “empty” search. Errors like this happen when one has geese on the brain.)

…

The best thing about moose is how considerate they are.

When offered pluralization, the entire Cervidae family collectively said, ‘Nah, we don’t need an S or anything. Whether there is one of us or a thousand, we will be moose, deer, elk, caribou, and reindeer.’

Geese, on the other hand, totally rewrote the rules of obscenity.

Dictionary people: “So, many of you would be ‘gooses’, right?”

Goose representative: “Not only no, but we demand that you completely change two letters in our singular title. Add a separate entry in your book for our plural form, which MUST come alphabetically first for maximum confusion.”

Mice followed this example and there has been chaos ever since, but mice are not jerks like geese. Calling a mouse by a name one letter different from a moose is simply a fun thing to do, like calling a huge guy Tiny or a fat guy Slim, but don’t call Fat Boy Slim or you’ll hear the same sentence 20 times in a row.

Mice are fun but moose are the best. Once more, geese are the worst.

…

In the world of sports, there are several teams from northerly-latitudinal locations whose mascot is the moose. The Manitoba and Jackson Hole Moose terrorized their respective hockey associations for years. The University Of Maine decided moose are so wonderful that they named the mascot of the *entire* school after the majestic beasts.

To contrast, I found exactly ZERO teams named Geese in my search, which was brief and sloppy because I was afraid of actually finding a team with that name and ruining this whole article.

Remember Tony Siragusa? He was a sports commentator who was mostly famous for being insufferably obnoxious.

What is his nickname? Goose!

Another perfect example to help prove whatever point I am trying to make.

Alternately, football player Daryl “Moose” Johnston is not in the NFL Hall Of Fame but was proudly inducted into the Greater Buffalo Sports Hall Of Fame. Can you name anyone called Goose who holds that honor? I sure can’t, partly because I am unable to name another person in the entity I just found out exists.

Also, there is a basketball player named Greg Monroe whose mighty nickname is Moose. This guy is so good that he’s played for six NBA teams and is now in Germany since there’s apparently a basketball version of Bundesliga.

(How’s *that* for concrete evidence?)

Someone who should have been nicknamed Moose was Benito Mussolini. Not only does the beginning of his surname sound like the grandest of animals, he was good at being a bad guy so perhaps he deserves some kind of credit for it, but he was a violent ally of Hitler so probably not.

I hereby rescind the honorable offer to nickname him Moose.

…

I heard a story of a man who was walking in Fairbanks, Alaska, when he unwittingly strolled between a baby moose and its mother. Fearing her child was in danger, Mama Moose immediately ran at the man, trampling and killing him.

This is indeed a sad and unfortunate story for humans, but how tough is Mama Moose for using her weight and might to stomp out a threat to her kid?

And what would a goose have done in that situation? Hissed; maybe flapped its stupid wings. What potential predator would that deter? A boll weevil. Maybe.

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To close, have you ever gone to a park? Yes? Good job! Then you must be aware of how annoying it is to avoid 'landmines' on the walking path.

Not only do geese crap everywhere like rude jerks but waiting for one or a series of them to cross said path is excruciating. Coming to a full stop (physically, not the British phrase for a punctuation mark) to watch these morons waddle out of the way is unbearable.

Sometimes you'll witness a goose-battle over a twig-or-whatever when one stupid goose runs at another. This shows they can run but instead choose to move at a snail's pace.

Sorry, snails. I didn’t mean to insult when I compared you to those dreadful birds. You just move slowly, ya know? Sloths do as well but they have sharp claws and I’d rather get slimed by you than sliced up by them.

I feel like there's something else geese actively choose to not do despite it being convenient for everybody…

Oh right, geese are BIRDS with WINGS which enable them to FLY. They can move really fast if they want to but instead real animals must bide our time and, for some reason, not run them over.

Let's change this. Run geese over. Bark at them. Kick their stupid necks. Do anything you can to make their small brains realize that they are the worst species on the planet.

To actually end this rambling, all hail the moose.