Let Me Shoot People In The Face
by Rob Cottignies
Hello and thank you for reading my campaign essay. I know you think your time is valuable so I will make this somewhat short and get right to the point by first telling a story and then getting to the point…
Recently, I was driving on New Jersey’s Route 17- a busy major highway- when I saw a giant SUV in the far-right lane going in reverse, against traffic. I’ve seen this scenario before but never by someone who presumably missed an exit by so much. To further show this person’s idiocy, it was the middle of the day and there was no scarcity of cars on the road. My immediate thought was ‘This person is dangerous and should have a full cartridge of bullets emptied into his face!’
We’ve all done dumb things, but when your stupidity puts other people at risk I should be able to interfere with a fresh batch of ammunition to your face. The person mentioned above was clearly guilty of public idiocy and endangerment. If this putz is empty-headed enough to drive in reverse on a busy motorway in the afternoon, what else might he do that could endanger people? Walk around a mall while flailing a sword? Set fire to a retirement home? Put a baby’s crib over a furnace? These things may sound fun but they are silly and put partially-innocent people at risk.
So why should I be in charge of shooting people in the face? For one thing, my track record of pointing out stupidity is impeccable. Not once have I said, ‘Oh, that person is stupid,’ and the person turned out to be terrific. Except Andrew WK, but I think we were all wrong about him in the beginning. Let’s party.
Have you seen the movie God Bless America? Probably not since it doesn’t star Dennis Quaid or Candace Cameron or whomever today’s heartthrobs are. It’s about a guy who gets diagnosed with cancer and decides to spend the rest of his Earthly time killing people who deserve it. Instead of dangerous people, he focuses on the obnoxious. While some of the latter deserve a brutal and bloody fate, they are more subjective to judge, which can be unfair. One might say the idea is good but not necessarily the execution. Pun heartily intended. Oh yeah, and check out the movie. Bobcat Goldthwait wrote and directed it. What? Who’s he? Ugh, you…
Now, it’s not that I want to shoot people in the face. Actually, I do want to shoot people in the face but that’s irrelevant even though it’s completely relevant. The important thing to remember is that the people I will go after are threats to society- you, me, and even themselves. And yes, they are somehow even more of a threat than stupid little dogs on 20-foot leashes. I would not get drunk with this power, nor would I get drunk and then shoot random people in the face. I am not susceptible to bribes. And although the number of times I’ve used an actual gun is really close to zero, my point-blank-to-the-face aim would likely be outstanding.
For you advocates of non-violence, remember the guy who drove backwards on Route 17. What would be the alternative to me shooting him in the face? Should this brainless and hazardous driver be given a ticket? A fine and points on his license would not only not teach the offender not to repeat but there would be no example set for future potential offenders. ‘Oops, missed my exit. Should I keep driving and make TWO u-turns that would take up to FIVE minutes so I can catch my exit safely? Nah, I’ll just pull to the shoulder and back up. Oh wait, didn’t some guy get shot in the face for doing just that? I’d better keep going.’ I guarantee this would happen all the time by simply setting one example. And how did you like my use of triple negative?
What’s the best part of this plan? Jobs! Apparently people like to work and I think it would take no less than five recruits to fully clean up a successful Dangerous Idiot Execution. D.I.E. So clever. With so many morons doing moronic things, my plan will create at least dozens of jobs. Who will pay these people? The families of the idiots! By having this policy in place, idiots will have to think of their families before they do something dangerous and dopey. And what of the idiot’s car? It would go back to the family, of course. I’m not a monster. The splattered brains would be a constant reminder to not repeat their fallen loved one’s mistake. Sure, they’d get the car cleaned, but have you ever tried to get brain stains out of a back seat? It’s really, really difficult.
In closing, I would like to say that this is the death penalty, only much quicker and fully awesomer. I am prepared to take on the roles of judge, jury, and most enjoyably, executioner. Should my service falter in any way, I will graciously step down from my post. Just don’t shoot me in the face. Vote for me at your next community electoral gathering and help make the world a safer, lovelier place with the occasional roadside civil service slaughter.