Let Me Shoot People In The Face

Let Me Shoot People In The Face
by Rob Cottignies

Hello and thank you for reading my campaign essay.

The decision of who to let shoot people in the face is a big one and I believe my refreshing stance on this issue will appeal to everybody, whether your loyalty lies with common sense or otherwise.

I know you think your time is valuable, so I will get right to the point by first telling a story and then getting to the point…

I was driving on a major highway when I saw a vehicle in the shoulder moving in reverse. Presumably, the driver missed his desired exit by a lot. It was the middle of the day and there were plenty of cars on the road.

As yours might be, my immediate thought was, ‘This person is dangerous and should have a full cartridge of bullets emptied into his face.’

We’ve all done dumb things, but when your stupidity puts other people at risk, I should be able to interfere with a fresh batch of ammunition to your face.

The person mentioned above was clearly guilty of public endangerment and idiocy. If this putz is empty-headed enough to drive in reverse on a busy motorway in the afternoon, what other horrors might he engage in? Walk around a mall flailing a sword? Set fire to a retirement home? Put a baby’s crib over a furnace? These things may sound fun but are foolish and put potentially-innocent people at risk.

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You may be wondering why I specifically should be in charge of shooting people in the face.

For one thing, my track record of pointing out stupidity is impeccable. Not once have I said, ‘Oh, that person is a dummy,’ and the person turned out to be excellent, except for Andrew WK, but I think we were all wrong about him in the beginning.

Let’s party.

There’s a film called God Bless America (written and directed by Bobcat Goldthwait) which is about a guy who gets diagnosed with cancer and decides to spend the rest of his Earthly time killing obnoxious people. Though entertaining, this method leaves much up to subjective interpretation, which is the opposite of what I’m promising.

It’s not that I want to shoot people in the face. Actually, I do want to shoot people in the face but that’s irrelevant even though it’s completely relevant. The important thing to remember is that the people I will go after are threats to you, me, and even themselves.

I would not get drunk with this power, nor would I get drunk and shoot random people in the face. I am not susceptible to bribes. And although the number of times I’ve used an actual gun is really close to zero, my point-blank-to-the-face aim would likely be outstanding.

For you advocates of non-violence, let’s recall the guy who drove backwards on the highway. What would be the alternative to me shooting him in the face? A fine or points on his license would not set a helpful example for future potential offenders.

‘Oops, missed my exit. Should I keep driving and make two U-turns that would take up to five minutes so I can take my exit safely? Nah, I’ll just pull to the shoulder and back up. Oh wait, didn’t some guy get shot in the face for doing just that? I’d better keep going.’

I guarantee this would happen all the time by setting the standard punishment once.

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Still with me? Good.

What’s the best part of this plan? Jobs! I think it would take no less than five recruits to fully clean up a successful Dangerous Idiot Execution, or D.I.E. With so many morons doing moronic things, my plan will create at least dozens of jobs.

‘But who will pay these people?’ -your thought

The families of the idiots! By having this policy in place, dummies will have to think of their families before they do something dangerous and dopey.

‘But what about the idiot’s car?’ -your follow-up thought

It would go back to the family, of course. I’m not a monster. The splattered brains would be a constant reminder to not repeat their fallen loved one’s mistake. Sure, they’d get the car cleaned, but have you ever tried to get brain stains out of a back seat? It’s really, really difficult.

In closing, I would like to say that this is the death penalty, but much quicker and awesomer. I am prepared to take on the roles of judge, jury, and executioner. Should my service falter in any way, I will graciously step down from my post. Just don’t shoot me in the face.

Vote for me at your next community electoral gathering and help make the world a safer, lovelier place with the occasional roadside civil service slaughter.

Thanks for reading.