Pooyaht

Every time we travel, some friends and I bring along a little notepad to write down ridiculous things that get said. I present them here without citations and context. This is the fourth installment. If you'd like to read the first three, check out Muyaht, Neuyaht, and Ooyaht. Enjoy!

Pooyaht

by Odie, Sam, Adam, Stella, and me

Where is the center of Quiznos? No one knows.

What a way to start Pooyaht- by pooping at Stewart.

Something about birds.

Total 6:51:45. Flight turbulence at 31:48, 1:00:50, 1:09:41, 1:23:02, 1:34:28, 1:39:56, 2:29:47, 2:42:45, 3:07:54, 4:22:40, 6:19:00, 6:27:46, 6:30:42, 6:51:45.

No rush, goulash.

Oh, Jimmy broke his back.

Mister Heartbreaker, breakin' hearts.

Do not ball-gag your father.

I'm not retarded. Bill's a wombat.

Well, Tomorrio.

Smell this man's ass. 'Tis a great ass.

When you own a bar or a food place, you have to have bendy straws.

I could definitely eat a hand at some point.

So you're the contact man. I'm the key man. What type of man do you want to be?

I haven't said one thing about butts!

Did you just pull out Twombli?

Odie, don't hurt my friend Rob.

I would love a song about all-you-can-eat buffet.

You want some chips? You don't have to pay for them.

All he has to do is come down and we'll be here.

Any guy who sounds like Nutella is fine with me.

9 pounds. It comes with five people.

Who's Dennis?

IT'S GENETICS. ME HANDS ARE BIG,

BUT SMALL...

BUT THEN...

THE PERFECT WRAP FOR A COCK'S SKIN.

YOU NEED NO LUBE.

YOU NEED NO CHARM.

ALL YOU NEED...

IS A STRONG ARM!

0131 777 7777

N3 -

I gotta do these things before I'm 45. Before I'm 37.

Handsome is not handjob.

Do you like snails and free blackberries?

Get that bean!

Stop looking back. It's weird.

That side smells like hose.

I need to get to the lake so I can wash my ass.

I will always remember Mr. Tweomptay.

Oh man, this is butt-washing water.

The body type of Scotland is a bear claw.

You mean like a cruller???

I like you guys. You smell cheesy and fun.

Put the mic down and put your head in the pool. And don't come up!!!

Pati + Bartek = Oskar

If it has something to do with butts, it's either you or someone like you.

I hate Nirvana. I'd rather listen to Neil Young fuck a cat.

And then there were 3.

The caribou is dying but won't give up.

Sam and Rob said something funny before but I forgot.

It's gorgeous outside... and it doesn't smell like farts.

Blood pudding farts.

And then there was 1.

Patscherkofel has a new lift and I found Jerome. All is good.

Today I am the king of beef farts.

What is the secret of the cold meat?

You're uncomfortable so you get warm and cozy. Then you go outside and get wet and miserable. Seems pointless but that's life.

Jerome gave me a free beer. That's so Jerome of him.

Ladies and gentlemen, we're arriving in Jenbach. Please exit from the right side.

Asian tourists make me happy. They're so goofy and love selfie sticks.

Slovenian men have a real hard time crapping... and they mumble to themselves while doing so.

Attack of the Asian Tourists: Part Two!!! Ljubljana.

I see. He was a crapping bum. Not representative of the average Slovenian.

Pooyaht, pfft. I can't wait until Armyaht.

Dennis the monk from Ljubljana. A good guy.

It was peaceful here. And then Italians came.

So many people are telling us on the walls what to think and do.

Gross slob to my left. Indian man punching is leg to my right. Everything is normal.

Nice flight... but everyone has hemorrhoid farts.

Why do the Irish still have that accent? The air? Because the buildings are small? I know there's an intelligent answer but... maybe it's because they have so many sheep.

Being in an 800-year-old church is cool. Being in an 80-year-old bar is cooler.

Yup. After 12 years of analysis, old fat American white women are horrible.

Vienna is the best airport to crap in. Privacy. Big stall. A hanger for your coat. A hanger for your bag. Plenty of toilet paper and hand sanitizer.

Now it smells like giant poop and shit on this plane.

How is it possible to keep the happy-go-lucky traveler's mindset once going back home when you're surrounded by morons!?! They announced it'd be a 7-hour flight when we got on the plane. Now, about 3 hours into the flight these old fucks are shocked there's 4 hours left. What part of the booking, traveling, checking in, going through security, and boarding did they miss? FUUUUUCK!!!

2 hours and 20 minutes left of the flight. I will try to fill the remaining pages of Pooyaht.

Half-Stewish

Half-Stewish
by Rob Cottignies

There is a guy named Stew, like the food only much more annoying and probably less tasty.

Stew has the rare condition of being allergic to not speaking. Ignoring social cues from people who are completely uninterested in what he’s saying is among his favorite hobbies.

During my first work shift with Stew, he announced his appointment with a Podiatrist. Stew didn't want to go to the Podiatrist. But Stew's foot was cracking and his doctor suggested going to the Podiatrist.

So Stew went to the Podiatrist, and there was quiet in the land.

Then Stew returned to tell everyone all about the Podiatrist.

I hate Stew. Not only does he constantly speak but he'll blurt out uninteresting things simply to ignite more talking. His father had to stop drinking for a month. He doesn't understand why there aren't stricter gun laws. He ate portabella fries the other day. Small tidbits, sure, but they always lead to seemingly-endless conversations. Hmm, maybe ‘soliloquies’ would be a more accurate word.

Stew also claims to be very politically-correct, because he doesn't want to offend anyone.

Stew told me a story about a guy who said "the K word" on TV. Stew whispered "the K word" after looking around to make sure no one else could hear it in a setting with very few people, none of whom would've been offended.

The K word which the TV guy had uttered which Stew could not bring himself to say was ‘kike’. Certainly not a pleasant word but one which should only be taken sorely if it's yelled in a mean way.

…

On my way home, I realized I had missed a grand opportunity.

My response to Stew's whisper should've been, 'What K word?' The discomfort on his Stew-pid face from having to say the word would’ve been so delicious. Then I should've asked what the word meant, after which I should've explained that when Jewish people entered America, many of them could not write their names in English on the entry forms. Instead, they drew a circle. The Yiddish word for 'circle' is 'keikl' [kike-uhl]. So, the agents referred to them as Kikes.

(And there’s the history of that particular thing.)

However, I did not say any of that.

In the time it would have taken, Stew had already begun rambling about new video games and every quirky cartoon on YouTube, so I'd have to wait until next time.

…

Next time came around and Stew was still relentlessly speaking, which I assumed was just a run-on sentence continued from the week before. At one point, Stew was ranting about Lenny Kravitz for some reason. Stew mentioned that Lenny is half-black and half-Jewish.

I had him.

It was time to play dumb-but-ultimately-smarter.

"How can someone be half-Jewish?" I asked.

I also wondered which half of the Torah Lenny believed. Stew said that Judaism is both a religion and a nationality. I told him it was not, as this blog by a Rabbi confirms. He gave several more replies, each of which garnered "But how can you be half of a religion?" from me.

Then, finally, he shut up. Two entire minutes went by without Stew saying a word. I had tamed the wretched beast.

…

The phrase 'half-Jewish' is unique, too. I've never heard anyone referred to as half-Buddhist or half-Pastafarian. So why does half-Jewish happen? (If you're still wondering, now would be a good time to read that blog by the Rabbi.)

As for Stew, I expect that the next time I must put up with him he will talk endlessly about things which are only of interest to himself. But now I know the monster can be defeated. You can beat your monster, too. (Innuendo not intended, but pretty funny.)

So get out there and destroy the beast that bothers you most. You'll feel good. I promise.