Tech-NO-logy
by Rob Cottignies
by Rob Cottignies
Picture it- New Jersey, 2014.
My communication needs
had been met for the previous 6½ years by my Motorola Razr, which worked just
as well as the first day. I could make calls, text. (No et cetera.) And I adored
it. I adored that Razr. When I needed to text without looking, I could feel
those glorious buttons and send my message with unwavering confidence.
A trip was coming up and I wanted to pack lightly, but
realized bringing a laptop, GPS, and camera would be bulky and annoying.
‘Ugh’,
I thought, ‘maybe it's time to “upgrade”
my phone’.
After much hesitation, I bought a “smart” phone that
ended up working horribly. The thing would turn off randomly, not send or
receive texts at will, refuse to download things, and much more et cetera. But
it met my basic needs for several months.
However, I would always look longingly at my Razr,
which was proudly displayed on my nightstand.
The following September, a six-week trip was imminent.
The new phone had (sort of) prevailed during a ten-day stint but this would
have driven me to insanity. Or, more likely, I would have thrown it into a
river, and I don’t approve of polluting. (Think green everyone.)
So, I got a big-boy phone in September of 2014. It’s
very convenient and, honestly, I would not go back to the Razr but still catch
myself staring at it, remembering the best of times.
…
Speaking of memories, I recently heard a story about a
kid who questioned his mom about why she said, ‘Hang up the phone’.
Think about that.
Kids today have no idea that phones had two distinct
parts connected by a wire. All they know is buttons, which most current
portable house phones have as well. Call over, push END, throw the phone across
the room.
That's how I finish conversations, anyway.
…
To quote Louis CK on technology, "Everything's
amazing and nobody's happy."
I think he's spot-on for two reasons:
1) Instant gratification
People want things NOW. They often think they need things immediately, but that's just
not true.
The store-to-door time for pizza delivery hasn't
really changed since its inception. NASA has always counted down from ten
before a shuttle launch. Even microwaveable meals still take 5-7 minutes to
heat. Nobody questions these things.
Yet when your stupid friend texts you a
video of her dog sleeping in a shoebox, you freak out if it takes more than five seconds to download.
You're awful and I hate you. And your stupid friend.
And sleeping. And shoes.
2) The need to complain
When a new piece of technology is released, what's the
first thing you hear about it? What doesn't work, or at least isn’t as good as its
previous version.
How different are these things, really?
‘Oh, the iPhone 10 doesn't have as many megapixels as the 8.’
You're talking about a CAMERA on a PHONE that
fits in your POCKET and allows you to
look up weather, talk to anyone from anywhere, and CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR!!!
The word 'spoiled' comes to mind.
…
Speaking of complaining, have you ever heard somebody whine
about doing laundry?
Today, that activity goes something like this: Put clothes
in a machine, add goop, push a button, eat a sandwich. After the machine tells us the clothes have been fully
washed, we put those clothes into a nearby machine, add a weird napkin thing,
push another button, eat another sandwich.
In olden days (and some parts of the current world),
doing laundry went something like this: Put clothes that haven’t been cleaned
in months and soap into a basket, balance the basket on your head, grab a machete,
walk nine miles to a river, fight hyenas and thieves along the way, walk into
the river, try to not get eaten by river
monsters, wash each article of clothing individually for seven hours, put
sort-of clean clothes into the basket, put basket back on your head, walk
nine miles home while battling lions and fiends, hang clothes to dry, hope it
doesn't monsoon, make dinner for
fifty people.
Doesn't that sound awful? No sandwiches at all! Unless
sandwiches are what’s for dinner. If so, no need to complain.
…
Cars are where my major technological fears reside.
I
currently have a 2010 car which I plan to drive until the engine falls out. I
am very afraid, however, about the status of cars when that unfortunate time
comes along. They'll probably have all these fancy features like wi-fi and push-button ignition and motorized cup
holder covers.
*THIS JUST IN*: Cars already have all those things and
I'm furious.
Remember car alarms? They still happen but when was
the last time somebody heard one and, concerned, said, 'Oh my heavens! Let us
phone the local police brigade at once should there be a vicious automobile
criminal afoot'?
1992, that’s when.
My fear is I won't be able to buy a car that simply goes
from A to B and has a CD player. (ABCD thing not intentional.) Yes, I still buy
CDs and shall continue doing so until they and/or I go obsolete.
That's all I will want, but Jerry the car salesman will offer me vehicles with tons of
features that I’ll deem unnecessary.
And when cars drive themselves (which either all or
none of them should do), you will find me far away from roads, wandering fields
and mountains in search of simplicity.
…
If movies like The Terminator have taught us anything,
it's that technology is evil and should be avoided at all costs before it kills
us. Of course, it took technology to make that movie. And I typed this article
on technology while you are using different technology to read it.
Some
would call this a paradox. Others would mistakenly call this irony. I call it a
good time to end this rambling.
Technology can be great when used properly. Some
inventions were truly wonderful and necessary:
The wheel led to rapid
transportation. Fire led to heated homes. Stage plays led to television shows.
(So why are there still stage plays? Do people even say 'stage plays'?)
What's next? Automatic and/or flying cars, for sure.
Maybe a meal in a pill. Teleportation. People living just a hundred years ago
couldn't even fathom our current world. Their faces would explode and they'd
burn you as a witch. And you'd deserve it.
Point is, stop whining about technology and everything
else. Enjoy your life, read a book, and talk to people but leave me alone.
Don't make Snake Plissken enter the world code…