But Is It Irony?

But Is It Irony?
by Rob Cottignies

When John Hinckley attempted to assassinate President Ronald Reagan, he missed his intended target. Reagan, however, was standing outside of his vehicle, which had bulletproof windows. One bullet bounced off a window and struck the President. That window was installed specifically to prevent Reagan from getting shot but in this instance caused a bullet to hit him.

That is irony.

When a group protests a controversial movie, they want to sway people from being interested in it. Quite often, the public pays more attention to the movie because of the uproar and many people see it when they might not have been aware of it had the group not protested.

That is irony.

When my mother called me a son of a bitch, her intent was to insult me, yet she actually insulted herself.

That is irony.

Not one thing Alanis Morissette describes in her song 'Ironic' is ironic.

That might be irony.

Seeing some bozo wearing the same shirt as you is not ironic. It is nothing more than a very small coincidence.

And please stop wearing that shirt. You look stupid.

…

The meaning of ‘irony’ is highly-debated but it is officially described as something spoken or occurring that is the opposite of the intended result.

Many people mistake coincidence for irony, such as you and a friend both wanting pizza for lunch. The only way this could be remotely ironic is if you went to a pizza place only to find out they had no more food.

But that is really more like bad luck, Alanis.

There is a myth that silent film actor Charlie Chaplin once secretly entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike competition and lost. Of course, the real Charlie Chaplin would have been expected to win such a contest. No record of this happening exists but if it did, irony!

Sarcasm is a form of irony, if used properly. The difference here, though, is inflection. If it is obvious that you would hate to go to your friend’s kid’s Little League game, you might say ‘I would LOVE to go to the game’ with a snarky tone. That would be ironic, and your friend would probably hate you. However, if you said with a straight face ‘I would love to go to the game’, you would simply be a liar and your friend would be better off without you.

(And why would you want to be friends with someone who suggests going to a Little League game as if it would be a fun time?)

…

I recently faced a conundrum- I wanted to run in the park and it was raining out. I generally cannot stand wearing a wet shirt so I wore a zipped-up raincoat to prevent it from getting soaked. After the run, I took off the coat and my shirt underneath was soaked. Said raincoat was non-porous, therefore my body heat was raised and the extra sweat produced caused my shirt to become soaked in gross human moisture.

I wondered if this was ironic. The coat did its job in keeping out rain but my shirt got wet anyway because of the coat. However, if I had not worn the coat, my shirt would still have gotten wet.

This can only be reasoned with by inserting or removing the phrase with rain.

'I wore this coat so my shirt would not get wet. The coat caused my shirt to get wet.' Irony.

'I wore this coat so my shirt would not get wet with rain. The coat caused my shirt to get wet, but not with rain.' Not irony.

But then there is the inevitability that the shirt would have gotten wet regardless. A person could go crazy thinking about this stuff, which I do constantly.

The next time I feel a rain run, I will just go nude. That will certainly show the ironic overlords who the boss is.

Also, check out this video spoofing Alanis's dopey song.

Sharing ≠ Caring

Sharing ≠ Caring
by Rob Cottignies

It baffles me how people are so quick to give personal yet ultimately useless information to strangers. (If you’re a stranger visiting this site, please forgive my hypocrisy.)

Here are three examples:

ROSIE

My friend Dennis was working behind a bar one Sunday. Aside from me, there were three people in the place. Dennis knew two of them so he introduced himself to the third.

Like a child under ten years of age, she shrieked, 'My name is Rosie and it's my birthday!!!!'

Unnecessary information shared strictly for attention. Dennis did the obligatory “nice” thing and gave her a free beer, an act I condemn but probably would have done the same.

Shortly after, I started texting him hateful things about Rosie. 'I hope this is Rosie's last birthday.' 'Pour her a pint of poison.' 'I wish Rosie would somehow get stuck inside her balloon.' You know, cheerful stuff.

What I didn't know was that Dennis's phone was not in his pocket but on the bar in front of the crew. Nosy, as people tend to be, one of Rosie’s friends looked when it vibrated and lit up. Fully shocked, he motioned to ask if I had sent the messages. Playing dumb, I said, 'No, that's not my phone.' He then rudely picked it up and showed it to the other friend and Rosie.

Somebody else's phone. The nerve.

All three looked at me in disgust, or so Dennis told me since I didn't acknowledge them.

Apparently, they were so furious that they did the only thing furious people would do- quietly finished their beers and left. No screaming, no defending, no fighting. Nothing.

I felt badly at the time because I had accidentally lost Dennis some business and I feel worse now because this story doesn't have an interesting ending.

PAIGE’S DAD

I was sitting at a bar (noticing a theme here) when a hipster guy and an older guy came in. The bar was otherwise empty so of course they sat near me and spoke loudly. Due to their inconsiderate volume level, I found out the older guy wasn't the hipster's father but the father of the hipster's girlfriend, whose name was Paige.

I immediately hated Paige.

To make things worse, the hipster was asking Paige's dad for "permission" to propose marriage to her. I lost my appetite and feared what I had eaten would erupt at any moment. Also, I knew they would somehow rope me into this garbage pile of a conversation.

Of course, I was correct.

In a "clever" plot to tell the "good news" to the bartender, Paige's father introduced the hipster to him as his son-in-law. In a pure Aw shucks golly gum gee whiz moment, the hipster said it was too early to be saying that. Not to be outdone, Paige's dad said that no one would blab because only the three of them knew. "And this guy."

Me. Poor, unfortunate me.

At least they sort of acknowledged how loudly they were speaking.

I looked up to see their idiotic faces staring at me, so I said I wouldn't tell anyone because I didn't care.

Do you think that was mean? Do you also think honesty is the best policy? Hypocrite.

DALE & BELINDA

I met my friend Julia at a concert and she was with a friend whose name was not Dale but I instantly forgot it so here we are.

Julia introduced us then suggested getting beer, which is always a great idea. She offered to buy the first round, leaving Dale and me to stand there awkwardly. I hate small talk but sometimes it can't be avoided.

Aside from standing in the same building, the only thing we had in common was knowing Julia so I asked how they met.

Immediately, he replied, 'She was friends with my wife who died last month.'

I had JUST met this guy and he told me the worst news of his life.

What was I to do? My mind didn't automatically go to expressing condolences or asking how he was doing, so I asked how it happened since I was mildly curious and he opened the door. He shouted, 'THAT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.' I was ready to say, 'You made it my business' but Julia came back with the beers and obviously that was more important.

I never found out what happened to Dale's wife, so here's my theory based on exactly zero information:

Dale and his wife, Belinda, were walking along a city street. They'd both tried to quit smoking many times without success. Dale took his last drag and flicked the cigarette butt into the street.

Ever the environmentalist, Belinda reached down to pick it up and place it in a proper waste receptacle.

At that exact moment, a truck swerved from its lane to avoid hitting an old woman named Sue who was standing in the middle of the street for no reason. This truck hit Belinda and knocked her head clean off her body. It flew into the nearest waste receptacle with the cigarette in her mouth, exactly how she would've wanted it.

However, the butt ignited the contents of the receptacle and the two children playing near it. Also, the decapitated body gave Sue an awful fright and she died on the spot from a heart attack, so it was all for nothing.

See what you made me do, Dale? You were inconsiderate and years later a guy you've probably forgotten made up a horrible (though likely accurate) story about your wife dying. This is the pain you have caused. You're a monster.

…

Why do people share this stuff with strangers!?!?

Attention, that's why.

These are the same people who "send" thoughts and prayers to victims on social media. Attention makes them feel good, so I suggest giving them none.

But I guess this article counts as giving them attention so figure that out for yourselves.

Whatever. Leave me alone.