Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Please Allow Me To Bump Thee

Please Allow Me To Bump Thee
by Rob Cottignies

There I was, driving slowly like a grandma, when I was distracted by a complete sentence. It was political in nature with a “clever” slogan that probably was not even funny years ago when it was relevant.

While reading this novel, I looked up to see the bold red of brake lights and could not stop in time.

Smash, boom, shatter, crunch. Onomatopoeia.

This tragic situation occurs all the time. (Well, probably not and never to me, even though I just claimed it did, but it *could* happen.)

And if it did, who would be at fault? Not a person, but an object. A fiendish, apathetic, carcinogenic bumper sticker.

Why do these things still exist?

I have tried to think of things more useless and awful than bumper stickers. Yogurt, non-alcoholic beer, running into a wall, the Twilight movies. All somehow more useful.

Bumper stickers are awful and I almost want to get into politics just to ban them.

For your entertainment and education, here is my list of the six most obnoxious ones:

26.2
Running a marathon is impressive; bragging about it is not, especially in such a smug way.

This car climbed Mount Whatever
It would be mildly more interesting if you had climbed the mountain, fallen off, gotten eaten by a bear, and were not in front of me on the highway.

Political stickers
What if your candidate loses? What if your candidate wins? What if that election happened years ago? What if I don’t care? Go honk yourself.

Proud parent…
I would not have a problem with these if that was all they said.

COEXIST
Though I agree with the message, I cannot stand people who slap stickers on their Subarus and think they can change the world by making themselves feel better.

Stick families
I probably do not need to explain what these are but here it is anyway:

People put a sequence of decals on their minivans. The left decal is usually a grown male stick figure holding a briefcase or bowling ball or some other stupid thing. Next to that, a female stick figure is baking a pie or just standing there in a dress. Next to that is at least one smaller stick figure with a piece of sports equipment and a really big weird unnatural Charlie Brown smile. Next to that or them, a decal or decals of a dog and/or cat.

These are collectively supposed to represent the driver’s family.

Sometimes there are names under the decals, denoting specific family members. DADDY, MOMMY, BRYCE, SUZI, TREVOR, SPOTS, and WHISKERS.

When the figures are wearing Mickey Mouse ears, side effects my include immediate vomiting.

These decals make me angry because they are pointless, but really because I am jealous of such a simple, stupid idea that was so successful.

Dishonorable mention goes to the following bumper stickers:
-Keep Christ In Christmas
-sports team logos
-ones that say what the driver would rather be doing than driving
-those silhouettes of the cartoon kid peeing on a company’s logo or whatever other nonsense you have to slap onto your pick-up truck

Perhaps this is outdated, but these ‘Honk if you…’ stickers are an absolute menace.

Honking of the horn is exclusively for one of these purposes: 1) to alert the driver in front of you the traffic light has turned green, 2) to make a driver aware that his or her vehicle is getting uncomfortably close to yours, or 3) if you’re listening to The Heart Of Rock And Roll by Huey Lewis & The News. (You know the part.)

Do not arbitrarily honk all over the place because you listen to stickers and like a band or know someone with cancer or tongue-in-cheekily hate loud noises.

The second-to-last thing I’ll mention is usually not a sticker but often gets stuck to the backs of unlucky cars: Baby On Board.

What am I supposed to do with this information? Not hit you? I was already doing that but now the idea is more tempting.

Also, because I am a bit demented, I have looked into vehicles with this placard in the window and not seen a baby. Annoying first, lying second. Do they really need a third strike?

Yes. A swift bat to the forehead.

To be fair, this decal's intended purpose is aimed not at me but at people who might happen upon the vehicle if it crashes and the driver is knocked unconscious, alerting them that a baby might be inside.

Though a noble idea, that does not make it less obnoxious, like getting bitten by a puppy. It's understandable but still hurts.

(Did that analogy work? Was it even necessary?)

To end on a nice note, there is one bumper sticker which is worth the time: How’s My Driving?

Almost every commercial vehicle has this question and a phone number on its rear, and I say great. I have called these numbers, both when cut off by a maniac and after following a courteous, careful driver. Sadly, the operator gets very confused when you call to praise the latter.

Stop spreading your meaningless opinions on your car. Isn’t that the purpose of blogs?

 

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