Thursday, August 04, 2016

Shit + Hitler = Shitler

Shit + Hitler = Shitler
by Rob Cottignies

            Shit stinks. No really, it really stinks for real. And I'm talking about shit. Like, actual shit. This is not a metaphor nor a euphemism. (How would it be a euphemism?) I mean shit in the fecal sense of the word.
            When people smell something that reeks, they tend to say, 'Good gullivers, that smells like shit'. People go right to the top shelf in this scenario. In our minds, shit is the worst-smelling of all things. So when something smells horribly we immediately compare it to shit. Gym socks, dumpsters, weird uncles. Shit, shit, shit.
            "So what does shit have to do with Hitler?" -you
            Great question. Thanks for asking.
            I recently saw comedian Bill Burr and included in his act was a commentary on how we immediately compare bad people to Hitler. For instance, 'That orange monster-guy is so crazy and dangerous, he could be the next Hitler.'
            However, as Bill Burr pointed out, Hitler was not the worst guy ever. *For your convenience*, I've compiled a list of some folks who were worse than Hitler or at least on the same level. Some of these folks may not be statistically worse than Hitler, but they were pretty bad so feel free to call people these names sometimes just to mix things up. Here goes…

            Pope Urban II (c. 1042 - 1099): Wait, a pope??? Yes, a pope. This guy is credited with initiating the Crusades. The freakin' Crusades. Instead of nicely asking Muslims in Europe to vacate the continent, Urby gave the order to redecorate everything with their blood. His direct campaign killed about 200,000 people, which pales in comparison to our boy Adolf, but think about the subsequent Crusades and everything similar that followed. The Spanish Inquisition comes to mind. (Did you expect that?) So yes, at least one pope was worse than Hitler.

            Vlad The Impaler (1431 - 1476): The guy impaled people. That's hardcore. When an opposing army showed up to overtake the capital of Vlad's territory, they only found their own prisoners rotting on stakes which were also shoved through their bodies. This much is factual about Prince Vlad but he has been accused of many more things such as boiling people, skinning them alive, and dining among his impaled victims. It's even been said that he washed his hands with and/or dipped his food in their blood. If even half of these things are true, he deserves a spot near Hitler out of sheer brutality. Also, he was Bram Stoker's inspiration for his blood-sucking character Count Dracula. The man inspired Dracula and therefore vampires everywhere.
            Mary Tudor (1516 - 1558): Bloody Mary (surprisingly, the drink was named after her) was the only surviving child of Henry VIII and his first of six wives (mad drama). After a long struggle to attain the English throne, which included violent scheming and proving she was not a child of incest, Mary married a Spanish guy and declared all Protestants to be heretics. She ordered the burning of over 300 of them because whatever Protestants believe didn't jive with whatever she believed. Seems logical.
            Ivan The Terrible (1530 - 1584): Unlike his grandfather, Ivan The Great, who was great, Ivan The Terrible was terrible. Russia's first tsar was paranoid and prone to violent outbursts. Among many other things, these outbursts caused Ivan to kill his son and beat his pregnant daughter-in-law. Not only terrible by action, he led Russia into a downward spiral in all ways for a hundred years until Peter The Possibly Greater Than Ivan The Great came to power. Alright, this guy wasn't so bad but he is notoriously known as 'The Terrible' so he had to be on this list.
            Josef Stalin (1878 - 1953): Have you heard of the KGB? How about Gulag?  Yep, they were both him. Hitler's partner-in-moustache similarly changed his surname, but to the Russian word meaning man of steel. Unlike Superman, however, Joey decided to help his country by killing millions of its residents. Massive starvation and the executions of those who disagreed with him led to tens of millions of deaths. And oddly enough for this article, Stalin gained Russian support when Hitler betrayed their truce and invaded part of the USSR. The guy was such a bad-ass that he had the date and year of his birth changed. His inter- and intra-country wars also did a lot of damage to Russia financially and geographically. Some herald Stalin as a Communist hero but most don't really care for his methods and massacres. Even all the places he'd named after himself have been renamed as part of "de-Stalinization". Poor guy.
            Mao Tse-tung (1893 - 1976): A close ally of Stalin, Mao Tse-tung surged a struggling China into a hefty world power. Unfortunately, he also oversaw the deaths of tens of millions of people along the way. Torture and murder were nothing to Chairman Mao. His lies about food in China caused 30-40 million people- the population of California- to starve to death. Many more millions of people perished in the harsh conditions of his labor camps. (Sound familiar?) In addition to these, Mao did horrible things to his vilest enemies- educators. He had his soldiers round up teachers en masse to beat them, kill them, and sometimes eat them. Dude was bad news but he is generally honored within the Chinese Communist Party.
            Pol Pot (1925 - 1998): A big fan of the previous guy, this Cambodian dictator and I share a similar philosophy- that money should be outlawed and all modern things are evil and should be destroyed (…he types on a laptop before posting on the internet…). I'm on board. But people have different opinions and their ways of life should be respected. This is where Pol and I would disagree. Instead of doing his own thing and letting people be, he ordered anyone who refused to leave the cities for farm life to be tortured and/or killed. To avoid death, many people left the cities and were forcibly worked to death. Oh yeah, and his troops put landmines all over the country which still get happened-upon to this day. Look up the Killing Fields of the Khmer Rouge regime for more.
            Albert Fish (1870 - 1936): This guy admitted to raping/torturing/murdering over 100 children though only a few could actually be linked back to him. One for-sure victim was Grace Budd. Alby tricked her family into trusting him then again into letting her accompany him to a birthday party which he made up. He instead took her to an empty house, got naked for some reason, strangled her, then cut her up and cooked her in various ways. Then he wrote a letter to Grace's family describing what he had done without really leaving any details out. (Could you imagine getting something like that???) He did, however, assure them that "She died a virgin" so the family must have been comforted even though there's no way that comforted them. So yeah, the next time someone is awful, call that person a Fish. It may not make them less-horrible but it'll confuse them and that in itself is a win for the good guys.

            And this complete lack of a segue brings me back to shit. Did you know that not everyone wipes their asses the way you do? Years back, a friend walked in on another friend in the bathroom. The latter was wiping his ass while purposely standing up. The former friend ran to report the news to the rest of us. Half, including myself, were appalled. In no way had we ever thought of an ass-wiping technique other than leaning slightly. But the other half was just as appalled, having never considered a method that didn't involve standing. And maybe there are other ways out there which are just waiting to be discovered.

            Point is, some people commit mass genocides and some people wipe their asses while standing. But before you criticize these freaks of Nature, consider that they actually believe in the horrible acts they're committing. Don't judge them. Rising off the toilet to wipe or rising in power to kill everyone- same shit. And thus defines this article's title…

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