Mental Health

 

picture from www.jkcf.org

Tens of millions of Americans are affected by at least one mental illness, though the actual number is probably much higher, since many don’t seek or have access to treatment. They and those around them also suffer, often silently.

I’m dealing with a number of issues, so I figured I’d make this page about mental things in general and those that pertain to me.

(These descriptions are probably incomplete, but include basic information as a guide.)

***DISCLAIMER***
None of this is medical advice and should not be read as such. It’s for reference only.
If something is afflicting you, please consult a doctor right away.

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COMMON WORDS & PHRASES

First, some definitions (whether they affect me or not):
Ableism: discrimination against a person because of a physical and/or mental disability
Alexithymia: difficulty (or impossibility) identifying emotions within oneself
Anhedonia: the inability to experience joy
Attention-Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD): a developmental disorder causing so much difficulty focusing and lack of impulse control that it affects the patient’s life
Autism-Spectrum Disorder (ASD): term for the wide range of neuro-types, from mild symptoms to severe
Bi-polar Disorder: previously known as Manic-Depression, it describes persistent (and often random) mood swings, with extreme highs and lows
Borderline Personality Disorder: patients have exhibited symptoms including impulsiveness, emotional instability, intense anger, sabotaging positive things (like a good relationship or job), and unhealthy ways of seeing the world and themselves
Burnout: more than simply being tired, it’s stress-related emotional, physical, and/or mental exhaustion that causes one to feel completely overwhelmed
Cognitive Dissonance: acting in a way that goes against how you feel; example- leaving a generous tip for wait staff even though you thought the service was poor
Depression: extreme sadness (not resulting from anything specific) and loss of interest; it cannot be cured by smiling more or watching a funny movie
Dissociation: often caused by trauma, it’s the act of separating oneself from reality, via day-dreaming, extreme focus, or something in between
Dysthymia: a low-but-constant form of Depression
Echolalia: repeating words the person may or may not understand
Echopraxia: copying someone’s behavior
Emotional Dysregulation: difficulty managing one’s emotions, often leading to intense feelings and/or mood swings
Imposter syndrome: feeling a great deal of self-doubt, despite however much you’ve accomplished
Monotropism: common in autism, it involves intense focus on one or a few interests, rather than giving attention to numerous in a more-casual fashion
Neurodivergent: a brain that processes experiences in a different way than what is usually seen as the standard
Neurodiversity: a term that includes all minds, but is mainly used to describe people who are neurodivergent; the term was coined in the 1990s for a movement to accept all people, regardless of ability
Neurotypical: a brain that functions in the way considered to be “normal”
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD): being occupied with familiar impulses to the point where it’s impossible to not act on them
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): current reactions to a past event or events (each of which was a stand-alone occurrence) that can manifest as flashbacks, nightmares, or numbness
***Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD): same as the above, but resulting from repeated instances of trauma
Psychosis: a collection of symptoms that causes a person to not be able to tell the difference between actual things and falsehoods
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD): an extreme emotional response because of an actual or a perceived rejection
Schizophrenia: disruptions in perceptions of reality, such as hearing voices and/or having hallucinations
Stigma: a negative belief held by a society that doesn’t understand how a person operates

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TYPES OF THERAPY

ACT: Acceptance & Commitment Therapy
*working with negative thoughts instead of trying to change them
*applying healthy activities that align with the patient’s values and/or goals

CBT: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
*identifying negative thoughts and replacing them with more-helpful ones
*focusing on the present, not the past
*asking yourself, "Is this an actual problem or just my issue?"

DBT: Dialectical Behavior Therapy
*CBT plus regulating intense emotions, accepting reality, changing behaviors
*enhancing self-awareness through mindfulness (being fully present and without judgment)
*initially created for Borderline Personality Disorder but currently used for a variety of ailments

EMDR: Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing
*using eye movements (or other rhythmic stimulation) to deal with trauma
*the idea is that employing these methods mildly-distracts the patient and therefore makes the emotions brought up less stressful

IFS: Internal Family Systems
*identifying parts of yourself and understanding how they deal with stress
*the goal is to bring these together and work with them to find your true self

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AFFLICTIONS

The thing I struggle most with is AuDHD, which is Autism and ADHD at the same time. Instead of simply being a combination of the two, it’s a constant mental tug-of-war that fits in its own category regarding behavior and ways of thinking.

But that’s not the only thing affecting me, so below are some symptoms of common psychological ailments, along with notes on how they impact my life.

(listing these out of alphabetical order was very difficult for me, but I felt it made more sense)

AUTISM
*averting eyes: only when speaking; I maintain eye contact when listening
*bluntness: I’ve read that neuro-divergent people tell 100% of the truth while it’s only 70% for neuro-typicals; some mistake honesty for being mean and I simply don’t get that
*disliking small talk: I know this is a way people relate and connect with each other, but it has the opposite effect for me; I’d much rather receive an e-mail that gets right to the point than one beginning with niceties like ‘I hope this finds you well’
*following the rules: rules were made to be obeyed, not broken; anybody who’s ridden with me knows that I barely go over the speed limit; if a rope is placed in front of something, I don’t even consider going past it
*masking: this one is tricky, since I don’t fully understand its definition; I never really feel “inauthentic” and tend to think everybody masks to a degree; that said, constantly trying to fit in but never feeling like I do has been devastatingly exhausting
*putting things in order: I have over 500 CDs that are alphabetized by artist and sequential by release date if I have more than one album by them
*noticing small details: I can’t help but fixate on a spelling error, even if everything else is grammatically-correct
*preference for solitude: people may think I have this, but no; I tend to do things alone because nobody joins me, or I think no one will be interested (whether or not they truly are is a different story)
*repetitive behavior: I tend to stick with familiar places rather than trying new ones; something I know to be decent is better than risking the unknown for one that “might” be better
*social struggles: I have a decent amount of friends but very rarely feel an actual connection; I’m also terrible at small talk; these things have made having a social life extremely difficult
*taking things literally: when I was young, my mom and I visited her friend, who was in the hospital with a broken leg; when I ran past it, she told me to ‘watch the cast’; I stood there and stared at it until they told me to stop; also, I found out that a watched pot does, in fact, boil

ADHD
*"acceptable" impulsiveness: some things I do may seem spontaneous, but they’ve been carefully planned out
*all-or-nothing thinking: things instantly appeal to me or not; there is no gray area
*difficulty focusing: if I sit down to work on something, I can concentrate on it…for a bit; then I’ll be in another room doing a completely different task, wondering why I stopped the first
*disorganization: I own two whiteboards and still have trouble keeping track of what has to get done
*forgetting unless a list is made: for example, I have a record of the last time things such as my toothbrush and noise machine were charged
*getting distracted easily: it’s always unintentional, but happens often; also, if I hear a slight (even reasonable) noise, I have trouble tuning it out, especially if I’m reading, writing, or in a conversation
*impatience: almost everything causes this; I can display a lot of tolerance externally, but it doesn’t match what’s going on in my head
*poor time management: it’s frequently past noon and I wonder where the morning went

AuDHD
*difficulty setting boundaries: yep; enough said
*executive dysfunction: if I have to be somewhere 20 minutes away at 11:00, I’ll plan to leave at 10:30 but will probably head out around 10:35, still early but later than I had wanted
*fatigue from warring thoughts: it wears me out, so I’m very tired at the end of the day; this is why I’m able to fall asleep easily
*feeling like I’m both too much and not enough: when in a crowd, I’ll assume they know nothing about [insert topic that interests me]; but if somebody displays familiarity with the subject, I immediately think they know more than me; it’s a vicious superiority/inferiority thing
*object permanence: when somebody goes out of my sight, even if I know for sure they’re still present, I will wait until they return to continue speaking, otherwise I feel like I’m talking too loudly at nothing
*over-thinking: this happens constantly; it often takes me at least a few minutes to pick out the “perfect” shirt to wear, even if I’m going somewhere I know it won’t matter
*thinking in contradictions: for example, I crave connection but avoid talking to people, even when I may have something in common with them
*trouble prioritizing: all things that have to get done hold the same level of importance
*wanting routine but quickly growing bored of sameness: a classic AuDHD symptom; I’ve developed many routines for myself but none has lasted more than a few days

ANXIETY
*something I heard during one of comedian Steve Hofstetter’s specials is that anxiety is not having a negative response, but the right reaction to the wrong situation; it really deals with what ‘might’ happen; for example, not wanting to go to a party because you think (unreasonably) that someone will pour a drink on your head
*I don’t identify with many factors of anxiety, such as constantly feeling nervous or having digestive problems
*for me, anxiety presents as ‘this is not more important or better, it simply exists’
*two examples:
*1) I woke up at 4am one morning and remembered something was in my car, which was in the driveway; the thing (I don’t even remember what it was) wasn’t perishable nor did it have to be inside; it simply existed; I was able to get back to sleep only after convincing myself getting it at that moment was not necessary, as it would have involved getting out of bed
*2) say I choose to order Italian food instead of Thai; when looking over the Italian place’s menu, a voice (not an actual one; I’m not delusional, I don’t think) will remind me that the Thai place is there- not that it’s healthier or closer, but just that it’s an option, which is already known; this causes me to doubt my decision of Italian food but ultimately stick with it because no compelling evidence was presented for the Thai place

CO-DEPENDENCY
*avoiding conflict: I’ve never been in an argument with a romantic partner nor a physical fight; each time it was a potential, I thought of something to do or say that would make it not happen
*difficulty setting boundaries: this is a recurring theme
*elevating needs of others over my own: if you tell me your issues, I immediately ignore mine to address them
*feeling a need to contact the person after a break-up: if she ends the relationship, I get thrown off because I wasn’t prepared for it and want as much of an explanation as possible; if I end it, I was ready but want to make sure she’s OK
*people-pleasing: I have an “If I can, I will” attitude; if somebody asks me to help them and I have the time, I’ll do it, whether I truly want to or not; having no desire to do the thing fails to be a good enough reason
*staying in undesirable situations: more than once, I’ve remained in circumstances I didn’t want simply to not upset the other person and/or because I convinced myself it wasn’t bad
*unwanted familiarity > not being sure: as stated in the autism section, something I know to be fine is better than a mystery

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LINKS

Here are some links I’ve found or that were recommended by friends and therapists, along with ones from the book Welcome To AuDHD by Megan Griffith:

*5 Things Everyone Should Understand About Neurodiversity
https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/insights-about-autism/202310/5-things-we-should-all-know-about-neurodiversity
*What is neurodiversity?
https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/what-is-neurodiversity-202111232645
*Do you lose your whole day to one appointment? ‘Waiting mode’ may be why
https://theconversation.com/do-you-lose-your-whole-day-to-one-appointment-waiting-mode-may-be-why-280608
*Alexithymia, Defined & Explained
https://neurodivergentinsights.com/what-is-alexithymia-alexithymia-defined-and-explained/

*ndtherapists.com
*neurodivergentinsights.com

*youtube.com/@HowtoADHD
*youtube.com/@TheNeurocuriosityClub
*youtube.com/@YoSamdySam
*youtube.com/@Auticate
*youtube.com/@ADHD_Chatter_Podcast

The Complex Trauma Podcast
*podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-complex-trauma-podcast/id1685884946

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TRYING TO DISCOVER MYSELF

Due to my nervous system condition, I usually think that I look like a stumbling drunk and speak like an unintelligible fool. I’ve been told by many people this is not the case, and I’ve even seen videos of myself to support their argument. However, no amount of re-assurance can make me doubt what I experience in my head.

In an effort to get to know myself better, I made a list of questions for acquaintances- people who see me regularly but I don’t really know. I gave it to six people and two replied. Below is exactly what I wrote and the responses I received:

“I tend to be very self-conscious about my afflictions and would like to learn more about how others see me. Please answer these questions as much or little as you’d like. And be completely honest, even if you think being “nice” would be better. As of right now, I don’t know what I’ll do with this information, but the questionnaire will be anonymous and I’d never identify you by name or description. Thanks for doing this. Cheers.”

“How did I seem the first time you remember seeing me? And how does that compare to the most-recent?”
“I know I move slowly and awkwardly, but how obvious is it?”
“How does my voice sound?”

One reply:
“Hey Rob,
I don’t think it should matter what people think. What matters is how you feel about yourself. How you walk or talk are things you can’t change, so don’t get too hung up on it! You’re a nice dude, and that’s what matters!”

The other response:
*How did I seem the first time you remember seeing me? And how does that compare to the most-recent?
If I’m being honest, the first time I met you I thought you might smoke pot a lot and like hiking. Now I know you’re just a chill guy who engages with a lot of different art.
*I know I move slowly and awkwardly, but how obvious is it?
I actually don’t find your movements awkward or slow. I thought you just moved with intention.
*How does my voice sound?
I’d like to hear an audiobook read by you.

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CONCLUSION

So, what’s the answer here? No idea. If I had one, I wouldn’t have written this.

I must consider all these things while figuring out how to interact with the world. It’s exhausting, but absolutely worth exploring.

Wish me luck…

 

 

 

(Though thoroughly researched, I acknowledge that there may be inaccuracies within the information presented here and encourage you to call them out; spoolygoo@outlook.com)

 

SOURCES
World Health Organization (WHO), https://www.psychcentral.com/, https://mentalhealthproviders.com/, American Psychological Association (APA), National Autistic Society- https://www.autism.org.uk/learn, Cleveland Clinic- https://my.clevelandclinic.org/, https://www.verywellmind.com/, the Centers for Disease Control https://www.cdc.gov/autism/index.html, HCA Midwest Health https://www.hcamidwest.com/, Autism Speaks https://www.autismspeaks.org/, Mayo Clinic https://www.mayoclinichealthsystem.org/hometown-health/speaking-of-health/what-is-adhd, NIH/NIMH https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/attention-deficit-hyperactivity-disorder-adhd, Carondelet Health Network https://www.carondelet.org/, Neurodiverse Counseling Services https://www.neurodiversecounseling.com/, Medical News Today https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/audhd, Reddit https://www.reddit.com/r/audhd/, Mayo Clinic https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/anxiety/symptoms-causes/syc-20350961, wiredforworry.com, Steve Hofstetter’s comedy https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C4QRHy_N4EU, Cleveland Clinic https://health.clevelandclinic.org/codependent-relationship-signs, Aspire Psychology https://www.aspirepsychologyportland.com/our-blog/what-is-codependency, https://dialecticalbehaviortherapy.com/