Terminal Uniqueness (short version)

  

TERMINAL UNIQUENESS

“I'm glad that you're near
And I'm sad when you're here
This is what it's like to be me”
-Daryl Palumbo

 

I originally wrote this to describe my ailments and how I experience the world. (That much is still here, though it’s been summarized.)

I edited the piece each time I read through it, which was a lot. There was no end in sight, as I found myself constantly altering.

And then I saw The Invite. In it, Seth Rogan plays a failed musician who feels like he’s wasted his life. (I never possessed musical talent, but I intensely related to the other part.) He’s comfortable in his unhappy rut and wants to stay in it, because breaking it would be too much to handle.

But Seth Rogan is an actor who was playing a fictional character. He doesn’t actually feel that way.

However, I do. And I’m real, as far as I know.

Below is the shortened version of what I initially wrote. It was very woe-is-me venting disguised as letting people know what’s going on in my world. Honestly, I was looking for pity. Not consciously, but looking back, it was definitely the case.

The film had a profound effect on me that I don’t even really understand, but it made me realize this had to be changed.

So, here ya go:

A friend introduced me to the concept of terminal uniqueness, a common phrase in the world of addiction recovery. Basically, it’s the (untrue) notion that one’s life is so different from anyone else’s that nobody could possibly understand.

I get the idea but still feel like my circumstances are exclusive to me.

I’ve always felt like an outsider, regardless of the situation. I never felt like I fit in with any group, even those I got along with well. (And I said ‘felt like’ to acknowledge that it sometimes has been in my head, as opposed to being reality.)

There are many, but my biggest issues right now are:
*always feeling like an outsider, no matter who I’m with or where I am
*nothing working in a positive or negative way; I’ve tried physical therapy, medication, many kinds of talk therapy, tai chi, a breathing class, yoga, a wellness retreat, and I don’t even know what else
*my physical condition seeming much worse in my head than it appears in reality; people have said that I look and sound fine, which doesn’t change what I experience, but I’m trying to embrace more
*questioning absolutely everything, which leaves me uneasy and exhausted
*a rare and incurable nervous system disorder that causes slow movements and a verbal stutter, among other things; it’s greatly reduced my overall confidence
*numbness; I say ‘My parents are dead’ with the same casual manner of speaking as ‘I had pizza yesterday’
*emotions swelling up inside me but not coming out, making me expressionless
*being very hard on myself
*Dysthymia, a low-key but constant form of Depression
*AuDHD (self-diagnosed), a combination of autism and ADHD that makes me have contradictory thoughts; example: craving a structured routine yet getting bored easily and wanting newness
*new things (people, places, movies, music, etc.) having to fit in a very small window for me to be interested in them
*all-or-nothing thinking, which can make something not going how it’s “supposed to” feel like a complete disaster
*feeling defeated very easily
*being introverted and easily annoyed, yet doing social things
*extreme loneliness and isolation, because I feel disconnected from everybody
*exhaustion from having to explain what my conditions are
*having emotions but not being capable of expressing them

…

I haven’t had a full-time job since my last one let me go in 2007. I had no idea how much remaining on the path of not working would negatively impact my ability to socialize. When the job dismissed me, I decided to take some time off, since I had other stressful things going on as well- a sick father and a tense relationship with a chaotic girlfriend.

I largely squandered my time, both then and since. I’ve done things, but not as much as I’d like. I should be fluent in at least one non-English language. I should have travelled to more places. I should have taken advantage of the situation.

Therapists have told me not to ‘should’ on myself. I should have listened.

When my parents died, they left me financially OK (not wealthy, but enough to sustain me). As their only child, I was the primary care-giver. (Actually, the only one.) I was eventually responsible for them both. (Separately.) Or, I might say instead that I *felt* responsible for them.

…

I think it’s fair to say that anything can happen at any time. No amount of caution and preparation would suffice to deal with a careless driver or violent maniac.

But I don’t worry about such things. Instead, a future of possibilities plagues me.

Will my daily brain fog lead to headaches? My mother’s were so intense that she killed herself. I’ve never even thought of doing the same and hopefully never will, but part of me fears becoming that over-whelmed and desperate.

Will HSP take over my life and severely limit what I can do? I’m always trying different things that could make my situation better, but is it enough? More than my father for sure, since he got the Parkinson’s diagnosis and quickly gave up. But will be result be the same?

I won’t know unless it becomes true.

And who would take care of me if the situation becomes dire? I would never willingly put that burden on anybody, but what if it’s a necessity?

…

My latest goal is to convince myself to embrace my situation. I dislike how it came to be, but I cannot change what’s happening.

I just don’t know which direction to follow.

Nothing is keeping me where I live now, so the idea of travel is appealing. I could make a list of places to see, in case I become unable to one day. I am currently in no pain and don’t need any kind of mobility aid.

Yet I like having a home-base. I may not enjoy the apartment or where it is, but it’s familiar. I go to places weekly and people at them recognize me. I’ve made connections, however loose they may be.

I have to make some kind of plan, and- gasp!- motivate myself to put it into action...