An Adventure With Cathy

 

AN ADVENTURE WITH CATHY

Cathy and I stalked each other online for about a month before meeting at a party, where we hit it off rather well.

She was cute, awkward, and had what I thought was a great sense of humor. We drank a bunch of alcohol before speaking because sometimes nerves take over even when it’s a sure thing.

The night went on and we were in our own little world of getting to know each other. After losing our inhibitions (A.K.A. drinking more), we started kissing on the lawn.

'We can't keep doing this here', she said.

'You're probably right.'

'Want to go back to my place?'

It was the only time I've ever been asked that, so it was kinda nice in a weird sort of way.

She offered to drive, so I figured I'd go. Plus, you know, I wanted to make out some more.

…

Cathy's apartment was messy but not dirty; cozy and inviting with no hint of madness. (That was a bit of foreshadowing.)

She led me into her bedroom, where- to keep it PG- I felt really nice. So good, in fact, that I shat the bed.

(And no, that was not a euphemism.)

Instead of enjoying the moment, I quickly went from blissful euphoria to embarrassing terror.

What was I supposed to do? I was naked and just pooped on a stranger's bed.

I apologized like crazy, then ran into the bathroom. I first grabbed a box of maxi-pads, since they’re very absorbent. Upon realizing how unreasonable that was, I panicked and took whatever was within reach- the small garbage can, dental floss, a bar of soap. (I should have stuck with the maxi-pads, huh?)

I foolishly thought I could remedy the situation but was prepared to just give her money for new sheets and run away screaming.

(Here’s where the previously-mentioned madness comes in.)

…

I walked out of the bathroom and there was Cathy. On the bed. [gulp] Licking the sheets.

Once again, I had to transition, but this time from embarrassing terror to complete disbelief.

Then she looked at me.

'Come over here.'

I had no idea how to respond but had to think fast. 'Sure wish I could' and some uncomfortable laughter was the best thing my brain could come up with.

I dropped the ridiculous things I’d gotten from the bathroom and looked next to the bed at my clothes, wondering if an arrest for public nudity would stand after explaining these circumstances.

Cathy again asked me to join her on the bed. With no desire to do that but also not wanting to upset this lunatic, I inched over to my boxers. Putting them on, I awkwardly exclaimed, 'I always put my underwear on right after’.

'That's weird', she said. (Yeah, that was the weird thing going on.)

I quickly grabbed my pants then went for the door. I heard a thump behind me and turned to look as if I had no idea what it was.

She was crawling toward me, unclothed and brown-faced.

In my horrified confusion, I mistook a closet for the front door, which she was now standing directly in front of.

Looking in the opposite direction, I noticed a balcony. But I was on the second floor. Ah whatever- I had to figure *something* out.

With all the speed I could muster (and with Cathy in pursuit), I went straight toward the doors that led to the balcony. Me, wearing boxers and holding my pants, abandoning all my other clothes. Her, in attack mode with her face covered in… you know.

The short trek felt like a hundred miles, but I made it.

While trying to open one of the doors, I felt hands around my ankle. This caused me to shriek in a soprano’s voice and completely forget how locks work.

Cathy had caught me.

I turned around and saw a face that would give the devil nightmares.

Being out of options, I froze.

With a firm grip, Cathy started pulling my leg…

Kind of like I just did to you with this story.

(Sorry.)