Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Idiot Bird Thinks Twigs Will Make A Safe House

Idiot Bird Thinks Twigs Will Make A Safe House
by Rob Cottignies


            Just look at that moron above. First of all, it's a "blue" bird. The minimal amount of blue on this otherwise quite-brown creature is embarrassing. It's pretty established that males are generally the prettier birds but this femalian attempt is weak at best. She's like your girlfriend trading pajama pants for sweatpants because you're going out.
            Secondly, what is she going to do with those twigs? (Or are they blades of dry grass? Whatever.) She's probably gonna go start a fire, right? Maybe warm up a nice meal for Birdo after a long day of standing on telephone wires? Wrong and wrong. She's going to build a house. She honestly thinks fashioning a nest out of twigs is the best way to build a place to live. The fact that she's not a horrible useless idiot goose should boost her intelligence to a decent level. But what is she thinking? She's clearly not, even though birds have been doing this successfully for millions of years.
            And can you guess where will she put this fortress? Out on a feeble tree branch! I mean, has she not read the story about the trio of swine who have some unfavorable encounters with Canis lupus??? And that was an entire house made of sticks!!! A nest could so easily be destroyed by a creature with up to half the intelligence of a vindictive wolf.
            To prove this point: A few years ago, two birds named Roy and Pamela built an unmighty nest on my window air conditioning unit. They were mourning doves and I found this out when they started singing at all sorts of ungodly hours many days in a row. So what did this big bad wolf do? I went outside, grabbed their home, and threw (gently placed) it into a nearby tree. It was so easy.
            …
            Alright, let's say Birdie will actually finish this castle. What will she then put in it? Oh, only her children. The eggs will just lay there- exposed- and once hatched, the kids will have no protection from rain, snow, or wind unless Mom builds a roof out of leaves. I mean, leaves? This fool probably has no idea what a roof even is. It should be noted that she would only do that, of course, if she was not too busy whistling loudly at 5:30 in the god-damned morning or vomiting so her kids can have some leftovers. Nice parenting.
            Point is, this bird has no business doing construction. Yes, wood can be a good building material, but it needs to be sawn, sanded, and properly installed by a professional. Her method involves danger, carelessness, treachery, and general mayhem.

            Somebody call Avian DYFS!!!!!!!!