My Literal War

My ‘Literal’ War
by Rob Cottignies

There is a hideous plague contaminating society, which is not spread via air nor physical contact, but by everyday eyesight and speech. Some blame the schools. Some blame the internet. Some blame texting. Some blame Texas!

While I’m always in favor of blaming Texas, the problem is even more alarming than our second-biggest state. (Go Alaska!)

Many people routinely commit the written equivalent of manslaughter to spelling, and punctuation has been *figuratively* thrown into the heart of a tornado to be painfully ripped apart and scattered to the depths of places that make no sense.

While grammatical heroes like Lynn Truss (author of Eats, Shoots & Leaves) brave that battle, I turn to a simple word which is misused and horribly abused on a daily basis.

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The word 'literally’, in a literal sense, literally means 'in a literal sense’. Word-for-word. The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but. Someone at work asked me to give him a hand. I took him literally and now I'm in prison for aggravated dismemberment. If you claim to have literally slept for a week, I’m going to assume that you (unfortunately) just woke up from a coma.

That's all it means.

I’ve heard my share of the word used for emphasis when it actually discredited the entire thought.

For example, “I was so hungry that I literally ate my dinner in five seconds.” No, you didn’t. I guarantee it took you longer than five seconds.

This word which means full truth was used in a lie, and I don’t appreciate that.

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Regarding emphasis, ‘literally’ is often not quite incorrect, but unnecessary.

I frequently hear people use the word in practically every other sentence and it makes no sense at all. 'I woke up late so I *literally* had to go right to work.' Experience leads me to believe you did at least three things before you left for work, but since I don't care at all, I believe you. Omit the word in question and your story does not become any less boring.

I think the word 'literally' can only be used properly when discussing translation. The German phrase 'Scheiße von Stier' literally translates into English as 'Shit of bull’, which means ‘bullshit’, which is what you are facetiously full of when you literally misuse this word.

Please make more of an effort to respect our language. Stop using words whose meanings you do not know. Don’t arbitrarily throw words into your sentences because that’s what people are doing. And exaggeration can be great, but don’t be excessive with it.

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Comedian David Cross once said, "When you misuse the word 'literally’, you are using it in the exact opposite way it was intended."

Can a word lose its meaning just because people misuse it often enough?

In recent years, certain dictionaries have added a definition to the ‘literally’ entry. Quoting merriam-webster.com, this second meaning is, ‘in effect; virtually’, which renders the term useless, since its two definitions are OPPOSITES of each other.

Can a stop sign be both red and not red???

Without getting into a crazy philosophical discussion (which I am willing to do), something cannot be something AND not be that same something. Schrödinger be damned!

(“When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar!” Very funny.)

This dictionarial™ addition happened simply because people were using the word horribly.

I know words tend to change meanings in living languages but I’ve never heard of this. I’m wondering if I start calling fire trucks ‘buggiblops’ and it catches on like an insanely infectious disease, would it too be added to the dictionary?

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Here are some examples ‘literally’ abuses, which add complexity to the word's already-tarnished nature:

I got a text message which read, ‘This happened for real, not literally.’ This friend of mine regularly throws 'literally' around like a dog flinging a giant string toy.

That misuse perplexed me because it used the word to negate what it actually means.

There are probably wormholes and string theories all around the phrase, rendering it both useless and mind-blowing, but I’m not a physicist. Or maybe I am “literally” a physicist, which at this point could mean whatever you’d like.

The second misuse was overheard in a bar: "That deli literally wrote the book on how to be a good deli."

This one knocked me on the floor. (Figuratively.) I was baffled upon hearing the statement, so I broke it down into three sections:

1) APPLAUSE: "...literally wrote the book..." Yes! This is how one would write a book! Literally! Literature! Fantastic! In my unprofessional opinion, the word was used correctly in this part of the sentence.

2) NON-EXISTENCE: "...the book on how to be a good deli." There is no book and you should know that I certainly checked. Since it’s book-related, did I literally check? Aaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!

There are books about how to run a successful restaurant and give good customer service, but not one specifically about being a good deli. I can excuse this though since a little exaggeration never killed anyone except some cat and that’s fine because cats are stupid.

3) IMPOSSIBLE- "That deli literally wrote..." No, it didn't. A delicatessen is a store with walls, windows, a door or two, counters, refrigerators, et cetera. Not one of these things can have a sentient thought, let alone scribble said unreal idea on some form of paper.

The employees can have thoughts, but the statement was not about a deli owner or worker. It was devised to make me think that A DELI WROTE A BOOK. No! Stop it!!!

For another example of misuse, I direct your attention to a little stick-legged dog named Pete (R.I.P.).

Upon meeting him, I heard somebody exclaim the following verbal vomit: "His name is Pete? I literally just met another dog named Pete. Literally Pete."

The first use of the sad and abused L word has unfortunately become acceptable, but the second was completely inappropriate, ridiculous, and obviously wrong. IT’S NOT AN ADJECTIVE!!!! I had to go into another room because I’m a coward who doesn’t confront people in real life even when their manner of speaking offends me.

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I have some anti-literally allies and we have discussed several times that we may be witnessing the evolution of a word, like how 'island' is a shortened form of 'isolated land'. That's why it contains that crazy S. (Perhaps you should note I made that up, but doesn't it seem right? Maybe it is. Tell your friends. I bet nobody will call you out.)

Perhaps my friends and I don't know what 'literally' means even though we've done extensive research on the topic and have absolutely no doubt that we are hearing it misused daily.

One anti-literally ally traced back to what he thinks was the cause of this 'literally' phenomenonsense™- actor Paul Rudd. Apparently he molested the word in some way in a movie. I enjoy Paul Rudd but I cannot forgive this even though he was just acting.

If you see Paul Rudd, punch him in the face. Tell him why and I believe he'll appreciate your reason for violence. My theory is that each time Paul Rudd gets punched in the face, one person will forget that the word 'literally' exists and never use it again. Paul Rudd will have to receive thousands of punches in the face for this word to dissipate to an acceptable level but I think it's worth it. Sorry, Paul Rudd. Once more- punch Paul Rudd in the face. Paul Rudd.

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What I would like is for people on my side in this war to completely destroy the word. I know this is being done anyway, but I’m talking about a different breed of savagery.

Go to a butcher shop and ask for fifteen pounds of sliced literally.

Tell a friend that a nearby tree is literally.

Introduce yourself with ‘My literally name is Rob’, even and especially if your name isn’t Rob.

Tell your manager that you literally did a literally job.

Beat the life out of this word so it can’t even be disguised as making sense by some Redcoat dictionary. Use it as an adjective, noun, verb, or even a part of speech that doesn’t exist.

This poor word is running through a gauntlet of eternal misery.

Each time I conquer an incorrect usage, a newer one is lurking around the corner with a battle axe. If a building exploded each time ‘literally’ was used improperly, we’d all be homeless. It’s being thrown around like a live grenade covered with sub-par analogies.

I’ve accepted that this abuse will likely increase to a clinically-maddening level, but I’m still going to fight the good fight. I believe ‘literally’ will be used only for translation once again.

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This whole thing reminds me of another word which has been flagrantly misused: ‘Anymore.’

For knowledge’s sake, this word must be preceded by some kind of negative. I don’t set people on fire anymore. The statement clearly shows that I formerly engaged in bodily arson, but for various reasons I no longer partake.

This grammatical assault was more common a few years ago, when I overheard a man in Punxsutawney say, “It’s all bullshit anymore”. His wordage was incorrect, but I did and still do agree with his sentiment. Literally.