Before She Cheats (The Judicial System)

Before She Cheats (The Judicial System)
by Rob Cottignies

I’ve had a burning hatred for the song ‘Before He Cheats’ by Carrie Underwood since first hearing it. Not only does it glorify unjustified property damage while setting its own double standard, but it hides the dangers of emotional insecurity behind a catchy chorus.

Imagine a man singing this about his potentially cheating girlfriend. There would’ve been chaos and uproar and all sorts of tommygoggling. But this venomous menace (venomace?) named Carrie sings it with a “tee-hee” smile and all is fine.

Well, I don’t think it’s one bit of fine. Other adjectives which come to mind include psychotic, hazardous, unacceptable, and just plain rude.

Below are the lyrics. Read them carefully, then enjoy my questioning letter to the singer…

Right now, he's probably slow dancing with a bleached-blonde tramp and she's probably getting frisky

Right now, he's probably buying her some fruity little drink 'cause she can't shoot whiskey

Right now, he's probably up behind her with a pool stick showing her how to shoot a combo

And he don't know

That I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up four-wheel drive

carved my name into his leather seats

I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights

slashed a hole in all four tires

Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats

Right now, she's probably up singing some white-trash version of Shania karaoke

Right now, she's probably saying "I'm drunk" and he's thinking that he's gonna get lucky

Right now, he's probably dabbing on 3 dollars worth of that bathroom Polo

Oh, and he don't know

[repeat chorus]

I might've saved a little trouble for the next girl

'cause the next time that he cheats

Oh, you know it won't be on me

No, not on me”

…

Dear Carrie Underwood,

I have some questions regarding your not-quite-chart-topping song, Before He Cheats…

Was the fellow in question actually cheating or did you just have a suspicion? There doesn’t appear to be any basis for the accusations, but a stream of assumptions about what was “probably” happening.

What color is your hair? According to the cover of this song’s single, it’s bleached-blonde, yet in the song you criticized the hypothetical woman for having that very shade of hair. Are you always hypocritical or only when it suits your cause, such as when you told Billboard you don’t condone the behavior you’ve gleefully boasted about in this song?

What makes you indispensable compared to the theoretical woman because you take shots of whiskey and she prefers fruity drinks? The arrogance of that statement almost overshadows the fact that some people just don’t enjoy the taste of whiskey. What a load of passive-aggressive, bragging-for-no-reason rubbish you’ve spewed on so many innocent ears.

Do you always get angry when your boyfriend helps someone improve at bar sports?

What exactly is a ‘white-trash version of Shania karaoke’? According to Google, there is no such thing, therefore the line fails to make sense.

Why do you think this guy would take advantage of a drunk person to “get lucky”? If that’s truly how you feel, why are you still dating him? How low are your standards?

Where is this mysterious bar which has slow dancing, pool, karaoke, and Ralph Lauren cologne all at the same time, which is apparently ‘right now’?

Did you pass second grade? The correct phrase is ‘he doesn’t know’, not ‘he don’t know’.

…

The song told me that you, Carrie, followed a guy to a bar and sat outside imagining this hypothetical scenario, then you actually keyed his car with violent scrapes which caused irreversible aesthetic damage.

You then carved your name into the car’s seats, adding illegal entry, weapons possession, and possibly breaking and entering to your growing rap sheet. You had no right to be in his car wielding a blade of any kind.

(In case you’re thinking about denying that part, please remember you carved your name into the seats.)

Smashing a car’s headlights guarantees the driver will not be able to navigate the roads safely at night. Was endangering his life your intention? Even if he was cheating, attempted murder is not the answer.

Clearly you destroyed the car’s tires, but it’s impossible to “slash a hole”. This defies some law of Physics.

Also, do you always bring a baseball bat to bars?

…

If this guy was indeed cheating and planned on doing it again after this, do you know what he’d reasonably think? ‘Wow, the last time I did this that lunatic destroyed my car. Hopefully she’s getting mental help in prison. That situation was annoying but at least I got an even nicer car with the settlement money.’

Did you ever consider going into the bar to see if he really was doing those things and, if so, confronting him like an adult? Baselessly resorting to vandalism seems like a gross overreaction based on some severe psychological issues you have.

You should be in jail for your actions, Carrie Underwood. “But I thought he was cheating on me” will not hold up in court or in life. Was it worth it?

Perhaps I should direct these questions to Josh Kear and Chris Tompkins, who had the unfortunate task of turning your illicit behavior into this dreadful song. Maybe I’ll do that, but will first listen to Eminem’s song ‘Kim’, which presents a healthy, responsible way to end a relationship…

Yours,
-Rob