Grandmothers & The Budget

Grandmothers And The Budget
by Rob Cottignies

I don’t really understand the national deficit, but I’ve figured out an unseen contributing factor. This won't fix the problem, but I truly believe the situation is worth noting. If handled properly, there could be more physical cash circulating through the system.

Every year around the wretched time of late October through December 25, grandmothers seek out the newest trends in their never-ending search for “perfect” gifts. Generally, the only harm caused by this is that unpleasantly awkward moment when the grandchild has to thank said grandmother for something which will never be used. But this feeling only goes with the territory of being a grandchild, so take advantage of it, because grandmothers are wonderful and not everybody has one.

These trends have ranged from combatant overgrown reptiles to electronic pets on keychains. But a few years back, the U.S. Department Of Treasury started a new one.

I'm talking about state quarters, which people collect for some reason. Grandmothers see this and assume their grandchildren would simply adore a map of the United States with a hole in each state for its respective 25¢-piece. My grandmother got me mine the first year, when only five states had been turned into metal.

My immediate thought was, ‘Why not spend this money instead of leaving it in a cardboard map?’

Here is where my theory comes into play.

Inevitably, people will collect every state quarter. A total of fifty states means each filled map would represent $12.50 of actual money. If one million people do this, that'd be $12,500,000 going toward absolutely nothing.

In case you didn’t read that correctly, it said TWELVE POINT FIVE MILLION DOLLARS of currency which is not in circulation but being exhibited on a table as a conversation piece or on a stupid wall somewhere.

For another statistic, the U.S. Mint is now producing nickels with some kind of historical things on them. If these same million people collect fifty nickels each (and you know they will), we're up to $12,550,000. And that’s only for a million people! Think of anywhere else that money could go and you’d be more considerate than these grandmothers.

Many of my critics (and by ‘critics’ I mean that I realized a counterpoint to what I was saying) will say, ‘Well, people need to buy these cardboard maps, so isn't that money circulating?’

No, it's not. Most of these people (the non-grandmothers) simply collect the coins sans map. These are the people you’ll stand behind on store lines who claim to have exact change, but then don't use it because a quarter says Kentucky on it and they don't have that state yet.

Also, why did money need to be modernized? I can understand bills being redone to help prevent counterfeiting, but quarters? NICKELS!? Were people fraudulently buying cheap yo-yos out of supermarket vending machines? No, they weren't.

Please stop collecting money. This country is in enough debt as it is and doesn’t need millions of dollars collecting dust over your stupid fireplaces.

Word to your grandmother.