'C' You Later

‘C’ You Later
by Rob Cottignies

Of the twenty-six letters involved with the English alphabet, the only one that truly bothers me is ‘C’. This may seem silly, but I think it is a serious problem.

Quite simply, there is no need for ‘C’ to exist. Two of its three sounds also belong to ‘K’ and ‘S’. Country. Kountry. Cesspool. Sesspool. The pronunciations are identical, if you pronounce them identically.

So why this letter? My theory is that the alphabet had 25 lovely letters but somebody hated the rampant use of numbers which are divisible by five and insisted on adding another:

“Edwin, I think we need one more. Not a sound, per se, but one more letter for a nice, even twenty-six.”
“I’m way ahead of you, Gerard. I've already got one that sounds very similar to other letters yet would be a unique new one."

(Note: There was not one ‘C’ in the above conversation.)

(Also note: That might have been the only clever part of this article.)

Naturally, I have a wonderful solution to this pressing problem. It's not to erase the hard work of Edwin and Gerard, leaving the original 25 letters. After all, ‘C’ has a nice shape to it, like a waning crescent moon.

What I propose is a combination of C and H. Ch. This pair is used more often than about 5 letters which sound only like themselves. Chosen. Peach. Church and Chimichanga have two sets of this. Everyone will know how to pronounce the words.

Struggling with words like ‘scarce’ would be a thing of the past. “Does that say Skare-key? Or Ssssarsee?” We’ve all been there.

The Spanish language used to have a ‘ch’ letter but it was removed from their alphabet in 2010 by the same traitors who demoted Pluto to a dwarf planet. (Maybe, but probably not.)

Please support my method of alphabetical reconfiguration using ‘C’ less and less. The words may appear strange-looking at first, but if put into a position of grammatiKal prominenSe, this change would be my first official akt.

Oh wow- official. That ‘C’ doesn't sound like a ‘K’ or an ‘S’. And now that I’m thinking about this nonsense, ‘X’ is kind of useless as well...