In The End, Blow Up The Outside World

In The End, Blow Up The Outside World
by Rob Cottignies

I hate hypothetical situations, but here is one anyway:

Suppose I find out that I am going to die tomorrow. The source is 100% positive and is able to convince me of that.

It is 5:00pm. I make some phone calls, tie up loose ends, etc., then decide that I will not let Death take me but I will go to him.

At 10:00pm, after eating an entire pizza, I drink some beers that have been in my fridge for years, waiting for their perfect time. I would not exactly call this perfect, but they get me drunk. Really drunk. And full. Really full.

It is 11:30pm and I run out my front door screaming.

I am wearing a Viking helmet and no pants, chugging one last beer and looking at the visible stars when my neighbors come over, like a drunk pants-less Viking screaming obscenities near midnight warrants attention.

I mumble that it has been nice living near them, then pass out. Somewhere in my mind, I know I will never wake up.

An ambulance comes and takes me to a hospital.

The doctors do all they can but at 2:00am I am declared dead from alcohol poisoning.

I did it. I beat Death to the punch.

However…

The prophecy was correct. I died tomorrow. But what killed me started today and would not have begun unless I heard the prophecy.

Was it really correct? If I did not drink myself to death, would another doom have been waiting for me?

For those who believe in fate, I was supposed to hear this prediction then get really drunk from awesome beer. For those who do not believe, something else was definitely going to take me out at some point tomorrow.

What is the point of all this? I don't know. But I say you should have fun while you can because having fun is great and not having fun is stupid.

…

Before anyone gets all nervous or whatever, there is nothing to worry about. I am fine and shall continue to be so until something decides I should not be anymore.

Some of you might say, 'I know those excellent beers are strong, but would they be enough to kill you?' Maybe not, but the shots of bourbon during the whole escapade would likely seal the deal. And why did I not throw up? Because I am tough, that's why.

(This piece is oddly dedicated to Linkin Park singer Chester Bennington and Soundgarden singer Chris Cornell, hence the article’s title.)