Into The Unknown

 

Into The Unknown
by Rob Cottignies

As I prepare to leave the house I grew up in, I am mostly numb to the idea.

I do, however, have a few notable emotions:

Regret, because this should have happened years ago.

Relief, as this house can no longer hold me back. Or, more accurately, I can no longer use the house as an excuse to hold myself back.

Mild excitement at the idea of actually living my own life.

Regret again, because laziness kept me from taking advantage of my situation.

And nervousness, since I have no idea where this path will take me.

For clarification, I am selling my mortgage-free house to live like a vagabond for an uncertain amount of time.

[Note: a vagabond travels without a destination or objective. A nomad settles in various places to use all the resources before moving on.]

While putting things that should mean more to me than they do into boxes, I stopped to remember what brought me to this position…

After quite a trying period of time, my father succumbed to Pneumonia (which was brought on by Parkinson’s Disease) in January of 2008.

The month prior, the job I hated let me go.

Suddenly, I had no urgent need to find work, worrying about my father was over, and I was the sole inheritor of not a great amount of money but more than I had ever controlled. I was 26 years old, solely owned a house, and had no “real” reason to do anything. I also had nobody telling me about the dangers of the situation.

One of my favorite things was telling people that I was retired. I was unaware of what that actually meant.

My friend Kevin warned me against getting too comfortable and lazy.

In January of 2016, my mother killed herself.

I inherited even more money because of her recent divorce. (I always thought that was unfair but did I offer to return it? Not quite.)

I was 34, once more solely owned the same house, and still had no “real” reason to do anything.

I had grown too comfortable and lazy.

(Also, my birthday is in January, between their deaths. What a month!)

I am now 40 and feel like I have accomplished very little. I have no practical skills and sorely wish I had done much more with the past 14+ years. Since getting a proper job was not necessary, I certainly had the opportunity to travel the world, learn languages, attain a black belt, master a musical instrument. Heck, I would even settle for knowing how to carve a turkey or grow plants in my backyard.

I could have done all those things and more but instead dragged myself through most days, largely being unproductive. (Yes, Depression was a factor.)

And I am ashamed of that. But I cannot change the past.

For quite a while, my mentality was that I could not leave my house until a plan was set as far as where to go and what to do once there.

That did not work so I reversed things, which is why I will leave THEN figure out the where and what.

I am selling my house to a cash-for-homes company because I did not care about putting the work into fixing it up. I researched it a lot and could not find the “catch” I assumed would be waiting for me.

As many people have kindly but annoyingly pointed out, I could have upgraded the house and hired a realtor to gain a greater amount of money for it but my realization that I *needed* to get out was so strong that option was barely considered.

I have a lot of regret for the past while. I should have joined the Peace Corps. I should have met my friend in Glacier National Park. I should have finished the screen-play I have been “working on” for over a decade.

But my therapist has said thinking about “should haves” is unhealthy.

(And now you know I talk to a therapist. It has really helped. If you have not done so, find one. If you do not think you need to do so, *definitely* find one.)

On that note, I have never really had guidance. Many people (including my parents) have cared about me through the years but nobody told me nor even hinted at what to do with my life and general lack of initiative got the best of me.

Now, here I am. 40 years old. [Not ‘years young’. What an obnoxious phrase.] I have learned to nourish myself but do not know how to cook a proper meal. I have never hosted a holiday celebration. I have many interests but no real hobbies. I moved out twice (and obviously came back) but only have minimal ‘stupid landlord’ stories.

While getting a tattoo, the artist was talking to his co-worker about one-night stands with Latinas like it was a thing everyone can relate to. (Can they? I really do not know.) It somehow made me realize how little I have experienced. Not that I crave a one-night stand with a Latina but being completely ignorant to their discussion was a real shocker.

And for the record, I never had a one-night stand with anyone.

Will leaving the area I grew up in to drive around aimlessly solve my issues? Of course not. (Well, probably not.) But I must try it out. This is something I have been thinking about doing for years and is finally happening, though certainly not gracefully nor in the best of circumstances.

Maybe it will be incredible and lead to a life of exploration.

Maybe it will be terrible and I will quickly find somewhere new to settle.

Maybe I will meet someone along the journey who can guide me on a good path.

But that is exactly the point- I have no idea what will come of this, which brings an odd sense of confidence.

Is this the entire story? Of course not. But it is a good start. And a new start, which is exactly what I need.

Should you feel like checking in, one of my favorite questions to be asked is, ‘So where are you right now?’

Talk to you from the unknown…

~Rob